AN: I don't own Merlin. I am definitely grateful that the writers managed to make such a great and popular series, which I just fell in love with! I only own William!
Warning: English is not my mother tongue, so it is entirely possible there are spelling or grammar mistakes in my story. Do not hesitate to point them out to me. Enjoy!
Spoilers for a few episodes: 5.12-5.13, also 4.13 and 4.06 (although it's only mentioned in this story)
Update (05-15-2013): Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and/or put this story in between their favorites.
William, the fifteen-year old prince of Camelot, has everything in his life. He has friends (real friends!), a family (even though they don't share the same blood), a mother who loves him more than anything on this world and a golden future (where he will inherit his own kingdom). Most people would say there was something missing, though. His father, King Arthur, had died before William was even born, so he had never met him. The people closest to him, however, knew that wasn't entirely true. Since he was four, the prince had been able to see his father from time to time, acting as a guardian angel and advisor. Today was one of those times.
William was taught how to fight with a sword when he was six. In the nine years since his first lesson, he had been steadily getting better, picking up instructions from all of the knights, but especially from his uncles Leon and Percival. He listened intently every time they taught him a new move, and he had never missed a training of the knights, even though he had been too young in his first years. Standing on the side lines had never stopped him from practicing the moves in his chambers later. When he was fourteen, Leon had finally allowed him to join the knights' training, instead of the private lessons with Leon and Percival. And from his very first lesson, he had impressed all of the knights who had never seen him fight before. But the knights and his uncles weren't the only ones who had been teaching him. Sometimes, during one of his lessons, his father would appear and call out instructions or corrections. On top of that, the King had taught him some of the moves he had perfected himself. All of that made William one of the very best swordfighters in the kingdom, and that at such a young age. But the sword wasn't the only weapon he had become proficient with. By the time he was ten, a few other weapons had been added to his training. Today however, he focused on sword training, since he had his very first tournament tomorrow.
He had been busy for about an hour already when he noticed his uncle Merlin sitting at the side of the training field. Surprisingly, the warlock was polishing William's armour. "What are you doing, uncle Merlin? I thought you hated polishing." The man smiled up at him. "I do! But I don't want you to look shabby during your first tournament." "You realise I have a servant for that, right?" "Hmmm, I know. But I have way more experience than the boy…" William laughed and turned to get back to his training. Suddenly, Arthur appeared next to him. "I wouldn't believe him if I were you, son." The prince looked questioningly at his father. He was hesitant to speak, since he didn't want anyone to see him speaking to thin air, even though it was only him and Merlin there. "He's charming your armour, making it stronger. Not that I object to him protecting you, I wouldn't want you to get hurt. I just thought you should know."
William narrowed his eyes and turned back to the warlock. "Uncle Merlin, is there something I should know about my armour?" Merlin sighed and crossed his arms, pouting. "The prat told you, didn't he? Fine, I put a spell on it. But it's for your own protection. He should be grateful!" The prince heard a burst of laughter behind him, but he ignored it. He rolled his eyes at his uncle. "He just thought I should know. He's not objecting, actually. I am, though." "Why?! I'm not helping you fight, am I? I'm just making sure you're safe." It was William's turn to sigh now. "It gives me an unfair advantage. I want to win because I'm the best, not because I'm better protected." "See, that's the reason I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd refuse. See what you've done now, Arthur? Your son's going to fight, unprotected. If he gets killed, I'm blaming you." William rolled his eyes again at Merlin's dramatics.
"C'mon uncle Merlin, it's a tournament, it's not a fight to the death. If it makes you feel better, you can charm my armour when I duel to the death or when I'm going on patrol or to war. Not that there are many wars. As far as I know, there haven't been any since I was born." "Good, you should be grateful for that! And fine, no strengthening your armour for tournaments. Although, now that I think about it, lots of people died in the tournaments your father participated in. Maybe you should change your mind, William." Merlin looked at the boy with a hopeful expression. William just shook his head and told him to lift the enchantments before returning to his training dummy.
When the prince looked at the side of the field ten minutes later, Merlin was just sitting there. Next to him was Arthur. For a moment, William could see the incredible sight of King and warlock, of Arthur and Merlin, of two friends willing to do anything for each other at one time. For years, he had people telling him about how you could almost see the bond between them by looking at them together. Now that he saw what those people had seen, he finally understood. But then, he noticed something wrong about the sight. People had always told him that Merlin was the one who always managed to get Arthur out of his bad mood. They told him that the two of them were mostly seen with a smile on their face. And while Merlin was smiling slightly while watching William train, the former King was studying the warlock and he looked slightly bothered. The prince frowned a bit, before seeing that Merlin had looked away. Apparently, he had been staring at his father and uncle a bit too long and the warlock had noticed. He decided to continue his training.
After William had told him to lift the enchantments, Merlin had just sighed and complied to the boy's wishes. It had only taken him a few minutes, and afterwards he just stayed to watch the prince's training. It didn't surprise him that William wanted the armour uncharmed. He was so much like Arthur. Not only in appearance, but also in sense of fairness, justice… He even had his father's fighting style. After a few minutes, William looked back up at him. But instead of returning to his training immediately, he watched for a few more minutes, first smiling and then frowning. Merlin looked away. He had been feeling a presence at his side, but this only confirmed it. "You're sitting next to me, aren't you?"
He didn't expect an answer. Unlike William, he had never seen Arthur or been able to interact with him. Sometimes though, he could feel Arthur's presence, and this was one of those moments. Merlin drew up his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. He started talking quietly. "I know you can't answer, so I'll just talk. Maybe I should be grateful. You'll have to let me talk now, no interruptions. And you can't tell me to shut up. Sometimes I thought that was your favourite thing to say to me. After my name of course. Oh, and idiot, yes, that was definitely one of your favourites. I hated that one in the beginning, you know? But after a while, you used it more fondly. Like the time I got hurt in the Valley of the Fallen Kings*. Or in the caves near Ealdor. I didn't mind you calling me an idiot anymore by that time. Now I wish I could still hear you call me that. At least it would mean you're still alive. I miss you, Arthur." Merlin swallowed. He was quiet for a few moments.
"You know, sometimes I really hate you. I hate you for dying, for leaving me. And then the next moment, all I feel is guilt. Because it's my fault you died. I should have protected you. I should have been by your side. I should have focused on Mordred, instead of Morgana. I knew he was the one who was destined to kill you. And somehow, I let him do it. He was one of your knights! He swore to protect you, and he did for a while. And I always doubted him, when I didn't have any reason. He only turned to Morgana because my actions led to Kara being killed. He would have stayed loyal to you if she had lived. And I'm so sorry for that." Merlin's sight had become blurred. He was trying to hold in tears. He just kept looking in William's direction, not really seeing anything.
"It's my fault William has to grow up without a father. Maybe you're protesting now, because he can see you sometimes, and you can talk to him. But it's not the same, is it? I mean, you never got to hold him as a baby. You weren't there to proudly show him off to your court. You can tell him how to fight, but you can never practice with him. And that's not fair. 'Cause you should have gotten those chances. You should have been the one to give him his first lesson with a sword. Even though you would have been King, I know that, no matter how busy you were, you would have taught him. And you should have been the one he went to when he had a nightmare. Well, you and Gwen. She still misses you. She will never stop missing you. And that's my fault too." The tears had started running down his cheeks now, but Merlin was unable to stop them. He tried wiping them away, but new ones always replaced the ones he wiped off. He never saw how Arthur was swallowing beside him, holding back his own tears, unable to comfort his friend.
"I know you wanted to achieve peace and unity. We talked about it quite a lot. And I know you would have achieved all that you wanted. But now, Albion is united, and you're not here to see it. Sure, they've declared you High King, but it doesn't mean anything if you're not around to enjoy the title. And you were supposed to bring back magic. I know Gwen legalised it, and I'm happy for that. But honestly, I'd trade that to get you back without a second thought. I'm sorry I never told you. I should have. It wasn't because I didn't trust you, you have to believe me. I trusted you, I trusted you with my life. Okay, maybe in the beginning I didn't really trust you to spare me. And then, I did trust you, but you were so against magic, and there was your father. Like I said, I didn't want you to have to choose between your loyalty to your father and me. And by the time you were King, I'd been lying to you for so long, that I feared you would have been angry. You were angry, you feared me when you found out. I never wanted to hurt you. The only purpose of my magic was to protect you. And in the end, I failed anyway."
By this time, Merlin's voice had started trembling. Arthur had closed his eyes and was reaching as if to comfort the warlock. He put his hand on Merlin's shoulder, but the dark-haired man couldn't feel him. The blonde wished he could speak to his friend, now more than ever. He hated seeing Merlin this way. Merlin was supposed to be the optimistic one, the one who made him laugh, the one who supported him when he was doubting himself. Merlin continued, voice unsteady.
"You were my best friend. And after all the times I managed to save your life, why couldn't I do it that time? I still ask myself that question. I told you once that I would be happy to be your servant until the day I died. And I'm still holding on to that promise. Only now, you're not here anymore, so the only way to keep that promise is taking care of your family and friends. So that's what I will do. I'll keep them safe, Gwen and William." Merlin stopped talking, watching Arthur's son practicing on the dummy.
It was a few minutes later that he said his next words. "You know why I sometimes watch his practices? It's not because I like the fighting. You and I both know I hated your training sessions. Probably because you used me as a practice dummy. William doesn't use me, but that's not why I come. It's because, when I watch him, for a few moments, I imagine it's you. For those few moments, I can pretend that you didn't die, that you're still alive. I mean, look at him. He looks almost exactly like you. A few years younger, maybe, but… He fights like you too, the same moves, the same style. It wouldn't surprise me if he won tomorrow. He's good. And I know you've given him a few pointers. I just wish you could be there, watching from the stands as King. Or maybe you would have participated. Fighting against your own son. I don't even know who would win. You'd have the experience, but William would have the youthful energy. I wish I could have seen that happen."
Suddenly, Merlin stood up. "I can't keep doing this. I don't even know if you're still listening. For all I know, you're on the other side of the field, ignoring me. Just… If you're still here, I want you to know that I still miss you. I miss you more than anything." The warlock walked away, shoulders hunched. He didn't look back once, and even if he had, he wouldn't have seen his King wipe away the few tears that had escaped.
William had been trying to focus on his training, but he was distracted. He kept glancing at Merlin and Arthur, seeing the warlock talk, watching everywhere but at his father. He couldn't hear what was said, but it looked like it hurt his uncle. He had seen the man's face change from neutral, over grimacing to crying. Even his father looked shaken up about what he was hearing. William swore that he had seen tears on his father's face at the end. But by the time he joined his father after Merlin had left, there was no trace of them, so he couldn't be sure.
"What's wrong with uncle Merlin?" He could still see the man walking in the distance, just entering the castle, slightly hunched. "He talked. I think he needed to let it all out. I don't think he ever told anyone how he felt." "Will he be okay?" "I hope so. I've never seen him so broken before. And he feels guilty, while it's not his fault. Can you tell him that?" Arthur looked at William, who nodded. "You were frowning even before he started talking. Why?" The King swallowed, and answered hesitantly. "He hasn't changed since I died." "From what I heard, you told him you didn't want him to change." "I did, but I meant his behaviour back then. Now I mean that he literally hasn't changed in appearance. It's been sixteen years, William."
William thought about this. "Oh… You think…" Arthur seemed to understand his son without the words being said. "He's not aging. He still looks the same age he did when I died. I didn't want that for him. I mean, I've been hearing things about Merlin when I was in Avalon. He's called Emrys in druid circles. Emrys means immortal. And I'm the Once and Future King, someday I will return, prophecies say. But I don't want Merlin to have to wait until that day! Who knows how long that will take. And somehow, I think Merlin has figured that out himself already." The prince bit his lip at those words. He's heard some rumours about his uncle not aging, but he'd never believed them. Apparently, they were true. And now he knew there was a second reason something had looked wrong when he saw them together. While it had been normal that his father still looked the same age he had died, Merlin had looked the same age as his father, slightly younger even.
"I'm going to see if he's okay, dad. You coming?" Father and son walked to the castle together, although people only saw one of them. When they entered, William walked up to the warlock's room. He knocked and entered, but didn't find him. Quickly, he walked to Gaius' old rooms, hoping to find Merlin there, in a familiar place. After not seeing him there either, he started asking people if they had seen him, but none of them could help. His father, who had been quietly following him, spoke up. "My old chambers, before I married your mother. I think you'll find him there." They walked up to the doors and William hesitated to open them. When he finally did, he gave a sigh of relief. Merlin was lying on the bed, asleep. Arthur spoke. "Let him sleep. I'll stay here, and I'll come get you when he's waking up. There's a few things I need you to say to him, if you're willing to do that."
A few hours later, Merlin and William were both sitting on the bed in Arthur's old chambers. "Dad told me to tell you it's not your fault. None of it is your fault. You did everything you could. He doesn't want you to blame yourself." "But it was my fault! If I…" William interrupted. "No! Uncle Merlin, dad doesn't blame you for anything. And, well… he told me you're… you're immortal." Merlin closed his eyes and swallowed before nodding. "He said you won't have to be alone all that time. You may not be able to see him, but he promises he'll stay by your side, until the day he returns." A watery smile appeared on Merlin's face. "He misses you too, you know… He misses the bantering. Oh, and he misses throwing things at you. Sorry, had to say that…" The warlock snorted. "Of course he does, the prat. Apparently, even death can't keep him from being prattish." "He's saying I have to call you an idiot." "Doesn't surprise me… I thought he'd never stop calling me that." "Right, I'm quoting dad now: 'That's because you are still an idiot! But, Merlin, you were my idiot, and I never wanted it any other way.'"
That brought out the first real smile on Merlin's face. The same smile he gave when Arthur returned and immediately called him an idiot for throwing a sword into a lake, where everyone could find it.
*I know Arthur didn't really call Merlin an idiot in the episode, but I imagine somewhere during the night, the word would have come up.
Before I forget: Thank you for reading!
People interested in reading more about William, you can always check out my other stories: 'Of Princes and Guardian Angels', about a four-year-old William (also where I got the reference of guardian angel from in the beginning of this story); 'Of Princes and Visiting Queens', starring a five-year-old prince; and 'His Father's Legacy', where William is seventeen.