A/N: OK, so I've written two-and-a-bit serious stories, I think I deserve a break! This one's seriously random and strange and I just felt like writing it. I mean no disrespect to Christians, being one myself, so I'm sorry if reading this story offends you. It's just a spin-off!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (I wish), nor do I own the Bible (no duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh), Futurama (Sadly, no. The reference to Futurama is Fishy Joes, BTW) or Sesame Street (why would I even want to? Oh, right. The money.).
DING DONG!
"Who's calling at this time of night?" asked James.
"James, it's only four thirty!" said his wife, Lily.
"Oh, right." James went to open the door and found none other than Albus Dumbledore standing on his doorstep.
"I have come to bring wonderful news!" cried Dumbledore joyously.
"Er…" James wasn't exactly sure what to say to this.
"Lily, you are going to have a child!"
"Yeah, I know." Dumbledore looked slightly put out.
"And he's gonna be so totally COOL!"
"Well, duh. He's my kid!" said James.
"Oh. Er, well, you are going to have a child, who shall be really cool, and you shall call him Eggbert Bob Rufus Donaldson Vincent Clifford Potter."
"Hey!" said Lily angrily. "Who're you to tell us what to call our kid? And how do you know it's going to be a boy, anyway?"
"Well sor-ry! It was just a suggestion!" said Dumbledore angrily, as he slammed the door. Lily and James shrugged.
"Meh." Said James.
A couple of months later, Lily and James were out to dinner at a strange place called Fishy Joes.
"Yum this fish is great! It's almost as good as…" but she stopped suddenly. "uh, James?"
"That's my name, don't wear it out."
"Erm… the baby's coming."
"Oh My God! My son's going to be born tonight!"
"Or daughter." Lily pointed out.
"THIS IS SO TOTALLY WICKED!" James had evidently not heard Lily.
"It might be wicked for you, but you're not the one who has to push-"
"Ok, TOO much information, thanks."
"Fine. Let's just go home, then." So with a loud CRACK they both apparated, causing many stares from onlookers, as Fishy Joes was a muggle restaurant.
CRACK! They reappeared in the garden, because their house had anti-apparition charms placed on it. James fumbled in his pocket for the door keys.
"James, Hurry up at open the house already!"
"I can't find the keys! I didn't leave them at the restaurant, cause I didn't even take them out there… I guess I could've left them in the house, or maybe in the yard somewhere, when I was unlocking-"
"James, I don't mean to pressure you or anything, but I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A FRIGGIN' BABY!"
"Right, right. Well, we'll just have to go in the shed."
"The shed? Oh, yeah, that'll be really magical; I'm having my first child in a shed!"
"Would you rather give birth out here?"
"The shed's fine." So they walked around the house and into the shed. Lily sat down on an overturned plastic crate and-
Please Note: The following scene has been edited out to accommodate with the K+ rating. If you are a total pervert and would like to view these scenes, please visit www. bwoop. com and follow the links.
-Lily and James looked down on their baby boy, wrapped in James' jacket.
"WOO HOO! WE GOT A SON!" James got up and started happily dancing around, setting of mini fireworks in celebration. "Wuh Oh." For one of the fireworks had set the tail of one of James' many brooms alight. He panicked and used the banishing charm to send his broom flying out of the shed and into the air.
Lily rolled her eyes. They spent a couple more minutes marvelling at their beautiful baby boy, until there was a knock on the wooden door.
"Er… come in?" Lily and James both felt confused that a) someone had just knocked on the door of their shed and b) someone had just knocked on the door of their shed at about eleven o'clock at night.
"All righ', Lily? James?" Lily and James merely blinked. Hagrid and Professors Flitwick and McGonagall had just walked into their shed.
"Um. Hi." Said Lily. "What brings you to… our shed?"
"We were in the neighbourhood, helping Hagrid with these thestrals." said Professor Flitwick squeakily, indicating the seven or so leashes hanging in mid-air.
"Where?" asked James, glancing around the shed. "I can't see any thestrals!"
"That's because you haven't seen anyone die, moron!" whispered Lily
"Oh…" said James, comprehension dawning on his face.
"-when Professor Dumbledore appeared out of no where (apparating, of course) and told us you'd had a baby and we should go and see it."
"And then he started singing some song about 'All Ye Faithful'. I think he'd had a little too much brandy." Said Professor McGonagall disapprovingly.
"Uh huh. Whatever." Said James – who was slightly annoyed that the first people to see his son apart from him and Lily were his old teachers. Hagrid was OK, but teachers? Eww!
So Lily, James, Hagrid, Professor Flitwick and Professor McGonagall turned their gaze back to the baby, when there was a sudden yell of;
"Lily? James? Where are you? Are you alright?"
"We're in here!" yelled James, who was very relieved that someone other than teachers was going to see their baby on the night he was born. The source of the yell came running into the shed. It was Sirius, Remus and Peter.
"What's wrong? We saw fire above your house and… HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A BABY?" Sirius stopped dead, staring at the bundle in Lily's arms.
"Now, now, Mr Black, mind the language!" said Professor Flitwick. Sirius scowled.
"Yup. It's a baby." Hagrid answered.
"He's soooo cute!" said Sirius. "Um… I mean… he's very cool."
"What's he called?" asked Remus.
"No idea. Any suggestions?" said Lily.
"I got a great one! Sirius Potter, named after the father's best friend." Said Sirius hopefully.
"No." said James flatly "But I guess we could make you the godfather."
"Sweet." said Sirius.
"How about Peter Potter, his name will be an alliteration… how cool is that?" Peter crossed his fingers behind his back.
"NO!" said Lily, secretly thinking that she would be damned if she ever named her son after the fat man in front of them.
"I recon James Elmo Potter." Said James.
"Elmo? What's an elmo?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"It's this totally cool muggle thing Lily showed me, that-"
"I did not show you elmo! I was flicking through the channels on TV and you got hooked onto Sesame Street!" said Lily indignantly.
"Same thing." stated James.
"Sure it is." said Lily.
"DON'T YOU BE SARCASTIC WITH ME, EVANS!" roared James.
"Idiot! I changed my name when I married you!"
"You-"
"How about 'Harry'?" said Remus, trying very hard to change the subject.
Lily stopped glaring at James. "I like it. Harry Potter. It's the sort of name I'd like to yell at a kid when they were doing something they weren't supposed to."
"I'll agree if it's Harry Elmo Potter." Said James.
"No. I'm not calling our son the same thing as a red furball."
"OK, Harry James Potter, but that's my final offer."
"Deal." said Lily. Peter frowned.
"I still think Peter Potter sounds better."
"OK, whatever, can we give them our prezzies now?" said Sirius.
"Prezzies?" asked James enthusiastically.
"But you guys didn't even know we'd had our baby, why do you have presents?" Lily pointed out.
"Yeah, I know, but the author, Dudette 13, wants us to give you a gift each, like in the nativity play." Said Remus.
"Fair enough."
"Oooh, me first!" said Sirius. "I'm giving you a hundred galleons, because I couldn't think of anything more original than that and kids cost a lot."
"Money!" said James, and grabbed the bag of gold from Sirius.
"I got you baby powder, because babies are really stinky, and they like to poopy!" said Peter.
"Right…" said Lily.
"Baby Powder!" yelled James, squeezing the bottle so some powder fell on his hands. He sniffed it. "Ahhh… baby bottom fresh."
"Ew." said Professor McGonagall
"I brought you some bandaids, and a bottle of disinfectant, because little kids seem to get hurt a lot." declared Remus
"I love bandaids!" said Peter. They all stared at him. "What? I do!" They all looked down at Harry James Potter, who blinked up at them and gurgled.
"Awwwwwww…" they all cooed.
"You know, this is a pretty important occasion, why don't we do something special?" said Remus.
"Yeah! Like singing karaoke!" said Sirius. So they all started randomly singing;
"Once in little Godrics Hollow,
Stood a wooden broomstick shed,
Where a mother laid her baby
In a jacket for his bed:
Lily was that mother mild,
Harry Potter, her little child.
He came down from Lily's womb,
As predicted by Sybil Trelawney.
And his shelter was a jumper,
Alongside cleansweeps he was borney;
With teachers and James' mates,
Was born a child which Snivelly hates
And their eyes at last shall see him,
They shall look at him and coo,
But that kid so dear and gentle
Shall grow up and defeat You-Know-Who;
And Dumbledore shall lead him on,
With his friends, Hermione and Ron.
As Harry was wrapped in James' jacket,
A fiery broomstick in the sky.
No one knew that in a few years time,
He'd get a scar, and his parents would die.
A wizarding war shall be fought,
And Harry will defeat Voldemort."
And so it was that Harry Potter was born. Not in a house or a hospital, but in a broom shed, because his father was stupid. And on that happy day, not a soul knew that the green eyed child in front of them would one day be dubbed 'The Boy Who Lived'. Or that his destiny was to defeat the most powerful dark wizard of all time. But that's another story…
Er, actually, it's the same story.
Shut up.
A/N: Yeah, I'm weird - trust me, I know. Once PremzaW.O.W. and I were called weird 52 times in one day! OK, that was partly because we told people to. Whatev. Review!