Everybody's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.
A Ragican Fanfic
By Winnebagels
Chapter One – Blood Brothers
*Hollow and Rage are sitting atop a poorly made discount futon in Hollow's apartment in Leeds, England*
Rage – So now we're finally blood brothers
Hollow – What are you doing in my house? Why is my hand bleeding?
Rage – Oh come on man don't give me that. We're best friends.
Hollow – What does that have to do with any of this?
Rage – Don't question it.
Hollow – You're an asshole Josh.
Rage – Ouch man, words hurt you know.
Hollow – Words hurt? You broke into my house while I was sleeping, drugged me, and then cut my hand open. That's what fucking hurts here.
Rage – Does that soon-to-be-infected gash mean nothing to you? Being somebody's blood brother used to matter to people. Blood brothers used to stick together through thick and thin. Blood brothers used to be brothers made from blood and stuff and fuck you man.
Hollow – No fuck you! We're not fucking blood brothers! You don't even have a cut.
Rage – Well yeah, knives make me squeamish. God I thought that a blood brother would know that about his own blood brother. Great fucking blood brother you are. I knew I should've picked Evanz.
Hollow – Fuck it, I'm making a tea. Do you want anything before the police show up?
Rage – No I'm good. I've just had a bag of crisps.
Hollow – Suit yourself then. Hey that was my bag of crisps!
Rage – Wait you're calling the police on me? Duuuuude, that's not cool.
*The television flashes red with the words "emergency broadcast" scrolling across the top and bottom of the screen*
Juke – This just in, we are getting widespread reports of unidentified flying objects blacking out the skies above London. These objects appear to be of extraterrestrial origin. You are advised to stay in your homes until further notice. To prevent widespread panic and looting we leave you now with these pictures of lolzcats on a continuous loop. God save the Queen.
Rage – How long has Juke been a news anchor?
Hollow – Aliens, real honest to God aliens.
Rage – I mean he's got those silky tones, I just never expected anything to come from it.
Hollow – Aliens. From Outer Space. Here to kill us and take over.
Rage – Good for him then. I always thought he'd be a boxer what with those legendary fire punches of his. Amirite Hollow?
Hollow – How is this even happening?
Rage – Hollow come on man. Get my reference. It was funny.
*A flash of light streaks across the window*
Hollow – We should go now Josh.
Rage – Go where? TV Announcer Juke told us to stay inside and watch lolzcats.
Hollow – Look Josh, inside isn't safe anymore. I saw an explosion outside. We should try to go somewhere more secure. Maybe we could meet up with Fluke in London. It doesn't really matter. The point is that we have to get out of here. Now.
Rage – Yes kitty Daniel Day-Lewis. You can haz a Oscar. You iz so cute kitty Daniel Day-Lewis. Yes you are. Yes you arrrrre.
Hollow – Fuck it.
*Hollow slings Rage over his back and walks toward the door.*
Rage – Stop it Hollow you're getting blood on my favorite RageGaming t-shirt.
*Another flash of light hits the roof of Hollow's apartment, caving it in.*
Rage – It's the one that has "RageGaming" written across the front of it.
*Hollow takes the stairs two at a time, frantically approaching the door of his apartment building.*
Rage – You know the least you could do is apologize. It's like I'm talking to myself up here.
*Hollow roughly tosses Rage off of his back and underneath a nearby car just as another flash of light engulfs the apartment building behind them in flames.*
Rage – Oww. You fucking douche.
*Hollow crawls under the car and punches Rage in the shoulder.*
Hollow – Don't ever call me that again you cunt. Now where do we know that's safe?
Rage – Jesus you're emotional.
Hollow – Look I told you before not to ever call me douche. It, it hurts me. You know, on the insides.
Rage – Well you hurt me you prick. You know, on the outsides.
Hollow – Oh shut it you big baby.
Rage – I think my shoulder is broken.
*A flash of light vaporizes the 1993 Honda Civic parked in front of Hollow and Rage*
Hollow – Right so we need to move again. I can see an open cellar about six blocks away. If we run I think we can make it.
Rage – Do we really have to run? I've already been outside today. That's a lot for me. Besides I'm pretty sure we're fine here.
Hollow – Are you fucking retarded? Did you not just see that car in front of us explode?
Rage – C'mon man that was a Honda, everybody knows that Hondas are shit. The same thing would've happened if it had been hit by a light breeze.
Hollow – Are you being serious right now? You're a dingus man, a fucking dingus.
Rage – Am not.
Hollow – Are too.
Rage – Dee two.
Hollow – That was so bad.
Rage – You're so bad.
Hollow – I'm surprised, that actually resembled a comeback.
Rage – You're a comeback.
Hollow – Aaaand it's gone.
*Loud metallic clanking can be heard coming from behind Hollow and Rage. It is accompanied by the rattle of a mounted machine gun.*
Hollow – Shit no more horsing around. Get up and run with me or I'll break your other shoulder. This could be our last chance.
Rage – Zigging and a zagging?
Hollow – Hooting and a hollering.
Rage – Lets do this.
*Hollow and Rage roll out from underneath the vehicle and start screaming at the top of their lungs. Hollow follows a straight line, using the buildings as cover. Rage runs in circles like a headless chicken. Rage beats Hollow to the cellar door by a good minute and a half.*
Hollow – What're we gonna do now Josh? You have any ideas on how we're supposed to get past that "thing" up there?
Rage – Hollow how many times do I have to tell you this? Call me Rage when we're in public.
Hollow – Dammit Josh this is real life not some stupid YouTube video!
Rage – Quiet down man. What if a Ragican heard you?
Hollow – Grow up man. Besides there's no one here but us two.
Guy Mansley – Hello? Is anyone there? Can you help? Please I need help.
Rage – See Hollow? What did I tell you?
Hollow – Yes mate we're down here in the shaft! Come quick!
Rage – Hehe shaft.
Guy Mansley – Thank you! How many of you are there?
Hollow – There's just the two of us, me and my friend Josh.
Rage – Holllllowwwwww
Guy Mansley – Oh thank God! Ill be right there just give me one-
*Explosion* *Cry of pain* *Silence*
Hollow – Fuck he's dead. He's really dead.
Rage – And my secret identity dies with him.
Hollow – That alien fucker's gonna pay for that.
*Hollow scans the room for anything useful. He finds a tank of gas, silly putty, a tire iron, and a single length of rope.*
Hollow – I've got an idea.
Rage – Alright but I'm keeping the silly putty.
*Hollow opens the cellar door and sneaks back along the line of buildings, swinging a lasso above his head.*
Rage – BE CAREFUL HOLLOW! THERE'S A MECH RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! YOU SHOULD TRY TO SNEAK UP ON IT SO YOU DON'T DIE!
*The alien mech rotates and locks on to Hollow.*
Hollow – Shit.
*Hollow throws the tire iron at the face of the mech and ducks behind the cover of an overturned police cruiser.*
Hollow – I swear if I ever get out of this I am going to find him, and I am going to kill him.
*The mech's mounted machine gun whirs in anticipation.*
Rage – AHHH ZABENYAAA
*Rage crashes into the back of the alien mech with a red and black 2013 Lotus Elise.*
Hollow – Where'd this come from?
Rage – YouTube gave it to me for 250k subscribers man. They've got to take care of the talent.
Hollow – Why didn't you mention this before you sent me out here to lasso an alien mech with machine guns for arms?
Rage – You seemed pissy. Besides that silly putty was fucking entertaining.
Hollow – Christ on a Bicycle. I really need a tea after all this.
Rage – Jesus man you have a problem, after all this settles down we're staging an intervention.
Hollow – To London?
Rage – To London.
*Rage pushes the play button on his dashboard, causing "You've been watching RageGaming…" to boom out of the car speakers. Hollow and Rage drive into the sunset, the burning ash that once was Leeds lying securely in their rearview mirror.*