A/N: Hi everybody! This is Freckled Raven talking; I suppose I should
attempt to explain this incredibly screwed up story. Recently in science
class my friend Jen/Draca and I got extremely bored and decided that we had
to write a parody. But what kind of parody??? Ah yes, that is the question!
We thought it over and realized that what we were both a little annoyed
with is all the really lame fics out there about somebody's long-lost
cousin's, friend's, twin's, former roomate's, cat's babysitter who appears
out of nowhere and takes over the entire story, saving the other, more
logical characters time after time.
Another overdone idea is ridiculously angsty stories. Now I love angst as much as the next person, I read it a lot and I'm even writing a PotC angst fic, but sometime's it's a bit overdone, especially if it's not written well. At times it starts to sound like a bloody soap opera.
And slash. Some people love it and I've got no beef with that...but it's just...well in some cases..it's..the pairings can be.....well, ewww. Sorry to sound immature but personally I don't like it and neither do any of my friends. So we're mocking slash too.
So here it is, our parody, written by Jen/Draca, Random Character and of course myself, Freckled Raven. Just one reminder; if you're a fan of the afore-mentioned genres and don't want to read any mockeries of them then..don't. It's as simple as that. Not like we're tying you down and forcing you to read it after all. We're just writing this because it's fun and we really need something to occupy our time.
So enjoy!!!!!
Disclaimer: (Insert usual disclaimer stuff here)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, Ron and Hermione left Snape's potion class, Ron still slightly on fire.
"You know," commented Hermione, pointing at Ron's flaming cloak, "you might want to do something about that."
He shrugged, "I've got it covered," with that he burst into a violent coughing fit from the smoke. Harry and Hermione watched in vague disbelief as Ron fell to the ground and began twitching.
"Is he...supposed to be doing that?" asked Harry hesitantly.
"Ugh..."Hermione took out her wand and poked Ron experimently in the nose. This caused Ron's eyes to roll back and he started to speak in tongues.
"Oh, just dump a bucket of water on him or something," said Harry over his shoulder as he studied their surroundings.
"Aquaticus bucketus!" cried Hermione waving her wand in intricate and completely unnecessary patterns above Ron. A large pink bucket painted with garish pictures of fairies appeared above his body and dumped a gallon of water on his face.
Hermione smiled in satisfaction as Ron sputtered and spat. As soon as he'd returned to consciousness, he looked himself over.
"Greeeeeaaaatttt," he said sarcastically, "Now I'm half-drowned /and/ still on fire."
It was true. Hermione had focused all the water on Ron's face, completely ignoring the flames dancing around his ankles.
"Oops," giggled the witch sheepishly. She raised her wand and once again drenched poor Ron with the ugly bucket. He was now very very very wet, but at least he wasn't on fire anymore.
"Hermione," said Harry from behind her, "you could've just used that bucket."
"What bucket????"
"That one," said Harry and Ron in unison pointing off to the side. Sure enough, there was a medium-sized metallic bucket filled to the brim with water.
"What's that doing there??!!!" Yelled Hermione, her temper inexplicably flaring up.
"Beat's me," replied Ron, still sitting on the floor, "I'm not the one writing this forked up story. If you're going to ask questions you might as well ask why I was on fire in the first place!?!"
"NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU," shrieked Hermione, "NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A THANK YOU ONCE IN AWHILE? YOU INGRATEFUL BASTARDS ALWAYS EXPECT ME TO FIX ALL YOUR BLOODY PROBLEMS FOR YOU AND THEN YOU COMPLAIN IF IT WASN'T DONE TO YOUR LIKING. I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Silence.
Ron and Harry stared at Hermione, completely shell-shocked.
"I mean...heh heh," continued Hermione as though nothing had happened, "I think we're lost."
"Right," snapped Harry, "that would make sense, considering we've only lived in this bloody castle and attended that bloody class for the past FIVE YEARS!!!"
Despite Harry's outburst, the three began to look around for a way out.
"Y'know," said Ron after two hours had passed and they were now in a dungeon filled with cobwebs and skulls "Maybe we should have stayed where we were."
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Muttered Hermione under her breath then in a louder voice she said, "Although it goes against everything every muggle horror movie had taught me I think we should split up to cover more ground. There's a good chance we all might end up torn to shreds without the others knowing, but it still seems like a good plan...I'm already alone inside." She finished melodramatically, but no one was paying attention.
However, both Harry and Ron agreed to the splitting-up plan and immediately wandered off in opposite directions.
Hermione stayed in one spot for a little while longer, slightly pissed that neither boy had noticed her theatrical and sorrowful statement. She tapped her foot and frowned trying to get into a good manic-depressive mood-maybe she should try suicide next time, or possibly insanity-when she heard a sound coming from one of the corridors.
She followed the sound and realized it was someone talking to themselves.
"The brain is a lot like a large fish," Hermione heard the voice say, "It is flat and slimy and has gils through which it can see. Should one of these gils fail to open then the messages transmitted by the lungs cannot reach the brain. It's as simple as that."
At the last bit, Hermione finally saw the speaker. They were chained to the wall, whoever they were, and had messy black hair, bright green eyes and a lightning shaped scar across their forehead.
"Harry!" shouted Hermione, her voice filled with impatience, "We were supposed to split up! And what are you doing chained to the wall??" she said with her hands on her hips, considering the figure in front of her, "If this is some sick, twisted bondage fantasy, I want nothing to do with it. Besides this is neither the time nor the place to be.." She trailed off as she noticed something she hadn't before.... "Boobs!" She cried in disbelief, "You don't have boobs Harry!"
The chained girl stared at Hermione, "My name isn't Harry," she said indignantly. "It's Harrina. Harrina Potter," she added.
"Say what??"
***
Meanwhile, back in....ummmm...somewhere...SOMEWHERE EVIL!!! Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy are plotting.
"So,"Lucius began. "How are we going to kill Potter this time?" He asked with an exasperated sigh.
"I'll tell you how." Voldemort replied, "I'll turn him into a flea, a tiny harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box in another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives: HAHAHAHA." He laughed with pschotic stereotypical evil villain laughter. "I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!! It's brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT I tell you! Genius I say!"
"Yah.." Lucius said with shifty eyes. "Sounds great." He said sarcastically. "I..have to go..over here." And he walked a step to the left and turned away from Voldemort.
"Oh make yourself useful and at least inform the men of my ingenious plan," Voldemort commanded, bringing the tips of his fingers together. Lucius left the room and went to tell the other Death Eaters.
Checking to make Lucius was gone, Voldemort commenced searching the room, making sure no one was there, and closing the blinds. Once he was sure there was no one else in the room he pulled a blanket off of a bundle in a shadowed corner of the room, revealing...*dun dun daaaa* A large pink teddy bear.
"It's just you and me now Mr. Fluffy." He said hugging the bear close. "And now it's time for happy happy fun fun song time!" he squealed happily. He held onto the bears arms and spun him around and started to sing.
/Sunshine, lollipops and
Rainbows, everything that's
Wonderful is what I feel when
We're together./
And that was how Lucius found him when he walked back into the room to retreive his pen he had left on the table.
"What the hell are you doing??" He asked, staring open-mouthed at Voldemort.
Voldemort looked like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes looked from side to side as if he was searching for a reasonable answer. He realized he was still holding the bear to his chest and he quickly hid it behind his back and glared at Lucius.
"DO NOT QUESTION THE DARK LORD!!" he yelled, pulling out an electric tazer and lunging at Malfoy, hitting him with it in the arm. "HAH!!!!" he laughed.
"Ow! What the hell'd you do that for?" he asked, "and what's with the teddy bear?"
Once again Voldemort searched for an answer.
"Mr. Fluffy is a very eeeeevvvvvviiiiiiilllllll teddy bear." He said cocking his head to one side and drawing out the word evil. "Now leave us, we're not finished with happy happy fun fun song time."
Lucius exited the room very disturbed.
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A/N: MWAHAHAHA that was fun. A round of applause for Random Character who wrote (and came up with) happy happy fun fun song time. There's loooooooooooooottttsssssss more parody goodness, we promise, now REVIEW!!!! Or we send Mr. Fluffy after you!!!! Beware the eeeevvvvvvvillll Mr. Fluffy!
Another overdone idea is ridiculously angsty stories. Now I love angst as much as the next person, I read it a lot and I'm even writing a PotC angst fic, but sometime's it's a bit overdone, especially if it's not written well. At times it starts to sound like a bloody soap opera.
And slash. Some people love it and I've got no beef with that...but it's just...well in some cases..it's..the pairings can be.....well, ewww. Sorry to sound immature but personally I don't like it and neither do any of my friends. So we're mocking slash too.
So here it is, our parody, written by Jen/Draca, Random Character and of course myself, Freckled Raven. Just one reminder; if you're a fan of the afore-mentioned genres and don't want to read any mockeries of them then..don't. It's as simple as that. Not like we're tying you down and forcing you to read it after all. We're just writing this because it's fun and we really need something to occupy our time.
So enjoy!!!!!
Disclaimer: (Insert usual disclaimer stuff here)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, Ron and Hermione left Snape's potion class, Ron still slightly on fire.
"You know," commented Hermione, pointing at Ron's flaming cloak, "you might want to do something about that."
He shrugged, "I've got it covered," with that he burst into a violent coughing fit from the smoke. Harry and Hermione watched in vague disbelief as Ron fell to the ground and began twitching.
"Is he...supposed to be doing that?" asked Harry hesitantly.
"Ugh..."Hermione took out her wand and poked Ron experimently in the nose. This caused Ron's eyes to roll back and he started to speak in tongues.
"Oh, just dump a bucket of water on him or something," said Harry over his shoulder as he studied their surroundings.
"Aquaticus bucketus!" cried Hermione waving her wand in intricate and completely unnecessary patterns above Ron. A large pink bucket painted with garish pictures of fairies appeared above his body and dumped a gallon of water on his face.
Hermione smiled in satisfaction as Ron sputtered and spat. As soon as he'd returned to consciousness, he looked himself over.
"Greeeeeaaaatttt," he said sarcastically, "Now I'm half-drowned /and/ still on fire."
It was true. Hermione had focused all the water on Ron's face, completely ignoring the flames dancing around his ankles.
"Oops," giggled the witch sheepishly. She raised her wand and once again drenched poor Ron with the ugly bucket. He was now very very very wet, but at least he wasn't on fire anymore.
"Hermione," said Harry from behind her, "you could've just used that bucket."
"What bucket????"
"That one," said Harry and Ron in unison pointing off to the side. Sure enough, there was a medium-sized metallic bucket filled to the brim with water.
"What's that doing there??!!!" Yelled Hermione, her temper inexplicably flaring up.
"Beat's me," replied Ron, still sitting on the floor, "I'm not the one writing this forked up story. If you're going to ask questions you might as well ask why I was on fire in the first place!?!"
"NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU," shrieked Hermione, "NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A THANK YOU ONCE IN AWHILE? YOU INGRATEFUL BASTARDS ALWAYS EXPECT ME TO FIX ALL YOUR BLOODY PROBLEMS FOR YOU AND THEN YOU COMPLAIN IF IT WASN'T DONE TO YOUR LIKING. I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Silence.
Ron and Harry stared at Hermione, completely shell-shocked.
"I mean...heh heh," continued Hermione as though nothing had happened, "I think we're lost."
"Right," snapped Harry, "that would make sense, considering we've only lived in this bloody castle and attended that bloody class for the past FIVE YEARS!!!"
Despite Harry's outburst, the three began to look around for a way out.
"Y'know," said Ron after two hours had passed and they were now in a dungeon filled with cobwebs and skulls "Maybe we should have stayed where we were."
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Muttered Hermione under her breath then in a louder voice she said, "Although it goes against everything every muggle horror movie had taught me I think we should split up to cover more ground. There's a good chance we all might end up torn to shreds without the others knowing, but it still seems like a good plan...I'm already alone inside." She finished melodramatically, but no one was paying attention.
However, both Harry and Ron agreed to the splitting-up plan and immediately wandered off in opposite directions.
Hermione stayed in one spot for a little while longer, slightly pissed that neither boy had noticed her theatrical and sorrowful statement. She tapped her foot and frowned trying to get into a good manic-depressive mood-maybe she should try suicide next time, or possibly insanity-when she heard a sound coming from one of the corridors.
She followed the sound and realized it was someone talking to themselves.
"The brain is a lot like a large fish," Hermione heard the voice say, "It is flat and slimy and has gils through which it can see. Should one of these gils fail to open then the messages transmitted by the lungs cannot reach the brain. It's as simple as that."
At the last bit, Hermione finally saw the speaker. They were chained to the wall, whoever they were, and had messy black hair, bright green eyes and a lightning shaped scar across their forehead.
"Harry!" shouted Hermione, her voice filled with impatience, "We were supposed to split up! And what are you doing chained to the wall??" she said with her hands on her hips, considering the figure in front of her, "If this is some sick, twisted bondage fantasy, I want nothing to do with it. Besides this is neither the time nor the place to be.." She trailed off as she noticed something she hadn't before.... "Boobs!" She cried in disbelief, "You don't have boobs Harry!"
The chained girl stared at Hermione, "My name isn't Harry," she said indignantly. "It's Harrina. Harrina Potter," she added.
"Say what??"
***
Meanwhile, back in....ummmm...somewhere...SOMEWHERE EVIL!!! Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy are plotting.
"So,"Lucius began. "How are we going to kill Potter this time?" He asked with an exasperated sigh.
"I'll tell you how." Voldemort replied, "I'll turn him into a flea, a tiny harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box in another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives: HAHAHAHA." He laughed with pschotic stereotypical evil villain laughter. "I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!! It's brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT I tell you! Genius I say!"
"Yah.." Lucius said with shifty eyes. "Sounds great." He said sarcastically. "I..have to go..over here." And he walked a step to the left and turned away from Voldemort.
"Oh make yourself useful and at least inform the men of my ingenious plan," Voldemort commanded, bringing the tips of his fingers together. Lucius left the room and went to tell the other Death Eaters.
Checking to make Lucius was gone, Voldemort commenced searching the room, making sure no one was there, and closing the blinds. Once he was sure there was no one else in the room he pulled a blanket off of a bundle in a shadowed corner of the room, revealing...*dun dun daaaa* A large pink teddy bear.
"It's just you and me now Mr. Fluffy." He said hugging the bear close. "And now it's time for happy happy fun fun song time!" he squealed happily. He held onto the bears arms and spun him around and started to sing.
/Sunshine, lollipops and
Rainbows, everything that's
Wonderful is what I feel when
We're together./
And that was how Lucius found him when he walked back into the room to retreive his pen he had left on the table.
"What the hell are you doing??" He asked, staring open-mouthed at Voldemort.
Voldemort looked like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes looked from side to side as if he was searching for a reasonable answer. He realized he was still holding the bear to his chest and he quickly hid it behind his back and glared at Lucius.
"DO NOT QUESTION THE DARK LORD!!" he yelled, pulling out an electric tazer and lunging at Malfoy, hitting him with it in the arm. "HAH!!!!" he laughed.
"Ow! What the hell'd you do that for?" he asked, "and what's with the teddy bear?"
Once again Voldemort searched for an answer.
"Mr. Fluffy is a very eeeeevvvvvviiiiiiilllllll teddy bear." He said cocking his head to one side and drawing out the word evil. "Now leave us, we're not finished with happy happy fun fun song time."
Lucius exited the room very disturbed.
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A/N: MWAHAHAHA that was fun. A round of applause for Random Character who wrote (and came up with) happy happy fun fun song time. There's loooooooooooooottttsssssss more parody goodness, we promise, now REVIEW!!!! Or we send Mr. Fluffy after you!!!! Beware the eeeevvvvvvvillll Mr. Fluffy!