DSICLAIMER: I do NOT own Hetalia or anything related to it in some way. Hetalia belongs to Himaruya Hidekaz. If I do own it, Canada would be in every episode.
Simon Densen was resting behind his desk when his boss Tino Väinämöinen entered the office. Despite having a heavy workload, he was bored. Who wouldn't be when you're sitting your ass off inside the cramped office doing nothing but type and sign documents only to be paid a small amount? It annoyed the Dane to no end. He had been working in this company as a damn manager for almost three years, and never once did he get a promotion. If his boss wasn't so generous, he might've resigned there already.
Tino was busying himself taking to the security guard Emil Steilsson. The Finnish was thanking the guard for all the hard work he's went through during the time the company was almost robbed. Simon hissed at the sight of the Icelandic guard and his boss laughing and talking about the same damn thing. Then, a plan seeped into him. He thought that if Emil got fired, the lesser his rivals will be, and thus, he would have more salary. He could clearly imagine himself bathing in a tub of money, tossing it high up in the air and returning to its position at the tub. Beside that tub was another tub full of beer. He felt great happiness as he dipped his head onto the alcohol and sipped a bit of it. Ah, it was a paradise for the Dane.
Simon slipped those thoughts away for a while and thought hard on how he could degrade the security guard. It was pretty easy considering that being a security guard can be risky. One wrong move, and you're fired.
He raised a hand to call his boss's attention. "Sir Tino!" he called, approaching the blonde Finnish man.
"Oh, what is it Simon?" Tino asked with his usual cheerful expression that never failed to soften the heart of even the most ferocious, bloodthirsty mass murderer.
Simon cleared his throat, trying his best to act professionally on this one. "Sir Tino, I greatly apologize for my rude behaviour, but there's something you must know about Emil."
Both Emil and Tino widened their eyes in surprise. "Eh? What's with Emil?" Tino scratched the back of his head in confusion.
Simon then again cleared his throat. "Well, you see sir, when I stayed here overnight last time, I caught Mr. Steilsson sleeping."
"What?!" Emil snapped at the blonde Dane. "What kind of nonsense are you telling him? I never saw you work overtime here!"
"That is because you were sleeping." Simon then turned to his boss. "Sir, this kind of act is not acceptable as it would ruin the company's reputation. What if a robber entered here and stole our hard-worked money? What you need are loyal and selfless workers like me who are willing to risk anything for the company's success."
Emil tried hard not to facepalm at the Dane's ridiculous speech. Tino, however, nodded in agreement.
"You've got a point there." Emil's mouth gaped open at the boss's statement. "Okay then, from now on you, Simon, will take charge of guarding the company's premises."
Simon smiled proudly. It took him five seconds to fully comprehend what his boss had said. "H-hey! Yo, wait, Sir, why do I have to take charge of guarding the company?"
Tino once again smiled and said, "Well, just as you were saying earlier, this company needs loyal and selfless workers like you who are willing to risk anything for its success. Unless, of course, you're thinking of backing out and resigning the compa-"
"No, no, Sir. I'll guard." Simon drooped his shoulders in defeat. Emil couldn't decide whether to laugh at the poor blonde's distress or to be worried that he might actually be replaced.
A few seconds later, the secretary Lukas Bondevik entered the room with a cup of coffee in his hands. Simon observed as Tino took the cup from the Norwegian.
"Thank you, Lukas. It smells great as always." Tino praised the blonde Norwegian who in turn gave a small bow. Simon felt another pang of insecurity. He couldn't tolerate another rival in this company.
Simon snuck his way in the middle of the two conversing men. "Uh, Sir Tino, it might be an unfortunate hour, but I have yet another bad news."
Again, Tino was astounded. Emil rolled his eyes while Lukas only stared at him emotionlessly.
"Sir, did you know that the coffee cup you're using was infested by cockroaches?"
Tino choked on his drink, coughing hardly as he tried to remove the mental image of cockroaches bathing in his coffee. Lukas was furious at what Simon said for he always cleaned any cup or plate before using them. He grabbed Simon's necktie and used it to choke the Dane, who now was unable to move. Emil let out fits of chuckle seeing the blonde Danish man's face full of suffering. Tino, being the peacemaker he is, stepped in between the two fighting men and shouted, "ENOOOOOOOOUGH!"
Everyone in the room turned their heads to the Finnish man and gulped slowly. Tino went back to his calm composure once everyone was finally level-headed.
"So, you were saying that Lukas here-" Tino approached the Norwegian man and pointed at him, "-attempts to kill me using cockroach-infested coffee cups?"
Simon nodded. "Yes sir. In fact, even the coffee was also cockroach-infested. Sir, it is a good thing you haven't drank that coffee or else this company would have to suffer without its great and highly understanding boss all because some Norwegian was being irresponsible."
Lukas remained indifferent for he might start another fight with the cunning Danish man. Emil nudged the Norwegian and told him that Simon also talked trash about him.
"Something's fishy with that guy." Lukas replied to Emil who nodded in agreement.
"Ah," Tino said in understanding. "so if that's the case, then Simon, you would be the one making me coffee."
"Making coffee!?" Simon jumped in surprise.
"Not only that, you'll also be the one cleaning my workplace, arranging the documents, and all those other housework, I mean, officework." Tino laughed at his own pun as his employees eyed him worriedly. Lukas already had the therapist's number ready just in case.
"But why me? You already assigned me as a security guard!" Simon complained at the Finnish blonde.
"Well, aren't youa loyal and selfless worker who's willing to risk anything for the success of this company?" Tino turned to Simon with smile still remaining, but eyes overwhelming with seriousness. "Unless you want to say 'hello' to the resignation letter, that is."
Lukas and Emil were chuckling at the shivering Dane, forcing themselves to stop whenever Simon would look at them with menacing eyes.
The tension was cut when Swedish janitor Berwald came to the room holding a paper bag which looked pretty abundant and heavy. Tino took the paper bag as Berwald reached out a great amount of money.
"It's two doll'rs all 'n all." Berwald informed the blonde boss. Tino thanked the Swedish man, thought he was somehow freaked out by the tall janitor. A blush crept its way to the Swede's cheeks, freaking out the boss even more.
Simon rolled his eyes, annoyed by the fact that he hadn't gotten rid of everyone yet. He tried to think of a way to dirty Berwald's reputation as Tino gave the Swedish man a tip. Lukas and Emil eyed the Dane suspiciously.
Once again, Simon cleared his throat, stealing his boss' attention away from the janitor.
"You have something to say, Simon?"
The Dane faked a gasp. "You're absolutely right sir! In fact, it's about our big guy here." he turned to the Swede with a forced smile. Berwald kept his usual poker face while Tino only nodded for Simon to continue.
"I was walking around the office one time, trying to release the stress. When I've passed your room, I saw Mr. Oxentierna slipping a few thousand dollars inside his pocket."
Tino tilted his head, again confused by what the blonde Dane was saying. "Eh? Berwald wouldn't do that."
"You can't be sure, Sir. Berwald's family is in need of money for his sick mother's treatment, so he was tempted by the large amount sitting on your table. But according to the company rules, stealing is not and will never be tolerated."
"So is deliberate lying, motherfucker." Lukas replied back. Although he was becoming pissed off, Simon remained calm and ignored the Norwegian's insult.
Tino looked at Simon, then to Berwald. "Berwald," he called, making the janitor look at him, "why didn't you tell me all of this?"
There was a developing smirk on the Dane's face. Finally, he was going to get that sweet promotion he was craving for. Just a few more steps, and he'll be able to bathe in beer.
"Sorry, Sir Tino." Berwald looked down at his shoes in shame. "I just... don't w'nt ta be a burd'n t'ya." Simon let out a soft chuckle. "But I prom'se, I've n'ver stol'n an'thing."
"But still," Tino grabbed Berwald's arm, signaling for the Swedish man to look at him. "you could've just told me so that I've promoted you earlier!" Berwald's eyes widened while Simon's mouth went agape. The Swede never expected that the boss would actually promote him despite the things Simon said about him. He blushed at his boss's consideration and understanding.
"B-but Sir, I've worked longer in this company! Why would you promote him instead of me?!" Simon lamented.
"Just like you said, he has a sick mother needing treatment. And I could see that he's really working hard not only for his family, but also for the company." Tino said proudly, shaking Berwald's hand in a business-like manner.
Simon was panicking now, thinking that he might just have more work, but no increase in the salary. He had to promote himself as well or else all his hard work (not really. Being a douche is Simon's field of expertise.) would result to nothing. It doesn't matter if he could get into trouble as he was there from the start. He needed that promotion.
"I have a better suggestion." he told Tino who still was interested at whatever the Dane would say, "Why don't you fire all of them and promote me instead?"
The three employees got pissed off at Simon's statement, finally learning about his true intention.
"I was right." Lukas cracked his fists as he approached the Danish man, tilting his head shortly as a signal for the two to follow, who gladly did. "Let's get this son of a bitch!"
They cornered Simon as Lukas started with a punch at the Dane's gut. Berwald followed, elbowing Simon at the head. When Simon stumbled down, Emil kicked him at the bum. Tino watched in horror as the three tortured his Danish employee. He felt stupid for actually believing all of Simon's white lies. Now, four of his employees were making a chaos. He couldn't take this anymore. He walked closer to the fighting men and loudly faked a cough. The voice of their boss made all four guys stop their battle, arranged themselves, and stood in front of the Finnish. They looked down at the floor aploogetically, ashamed of having showed their unruly side to their boss.
"Simon," Tino called, sending shivers down the Dane's spine. There was something about the cheerful Finnish man that made Simon feel like he was getting stabbed by a thousand daggers. Tino may look like an innocent man, but it was just an enigmatic mask he uses to hide any unpleasant emotion that might scare his employees away. "I have an even better suggestion."
Simon gulped nervously as Tino wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
"You said you're a loyal an selfless worker who's willing to isk anything for the success of the company, right?" Tino added emphasis on Simon's quote. The Danish man nodded. "Well, then, you're fired."
"WHAT?!" Simon snapped at his boss. "But that's not fair!"
"What is?" Emil butted in. "The fact that you were trying to poison Sir Tino's mind with your nonsense?"
"T'sall y'r fault f'r bein' a douche." Berwald added, putting tears on the Dane's eyes.
Tino smiled. "Don't worry, Simon. It won't be a bother for you since you were a great employee!"
Simon looked up to Tino with pleading eyes. "Really, sir?" He tried to look as pitiful as possible, much to his three former co-worker's disgust. It's as if a bubble of hope was forming inside him.
Tino chuckled lightly, petting the taller Dane's head before his expression turned serious.
"No."
And in a sudden, Simon's hope bubble popped. His promotion, his money, his beer... all of it went down the drain in just a flash.
"Pack up your things, Simon Densen." Tino removed his arm around the Dane and went to join his three employees. Altogether, they raised their right hands and waved, "Bye!" They all said cheerfully before Simon went to his former desk and removed his things.
After all the commotion, Emil and Lukas returned to their usual jobs as a security guard and a secretary, but with higher salary. Berwald took Simon's place as a manager and the company became even more successful than before.
Meanwhile, Simon struggled to find another job at some richer company, only to be stuck as a fry cook at his new hellhole, McDonalds.
-FIN-
A/N: Hello! I'm Aki, and it's my first time actually publishing a story here in ff! I was nervous really. I felt like I'm going to explode sooner, but since I really want to know what people would think about my stories, I've decided to publish one here!
This joke was actually an old joke shown in TV. I thought Denmark and the other Nordics fitted the role, so I said, why not?
And for those who can't tell who's who, here's the guide:
Denmark - Simon Densen
Finland - Tino Väinämöinen
Iceland - Emil Steilsson
Norway - Lukas Bondevik
Sweden - Berwald Oxentierna
So, guys, please review! I would highly appreciate it since I'm still a n00b. w