I once loved a man.

You'd always smile at me, that smile that brought the left side of your mouth up, a hint of dimples appearing on your cheeks. My favorite smile. You'd ghost your fingers across my face, your roughened calluses dragging against my skin. You'd press your forehead against mine, your unruly golden locks brushing against my own fiery curls. Our hair would tangle together, a mix of lava and gold and fire and honey. You opened my heart up the way nobody else did. You wormed your way into my life and stayed there, a parasite, feeding on the tremendous amount of love even I didn't know I had. You ruined me, destroyed me, spoiled me. There was nothing left of me for anyone else, because you took all of it. I could never love anyone like I loved you.

He made me the most foolish girl in the world.

I believed every word you said, and worshipped every syllable that came out of your mouth. You'd tell me you loved my innocence. You loved my cluelessness. You loved my everything. I believed it all. I'd blush and bury my face in your chest. Cheeks aflame, I'd whisper, barely audible, that I loved your chipped tooth, I loved your eyes, I loved your tattoos, the way they'd curl and disappear up your sleeve, and how I couldn't resist tracing my fingers along the dark lines, from the center of your chest all the way to your collarbone, and back down to your arms. I didn't care that nobody approved of our relationship. I didn't care that my father warned me to stay away. I didn't care that my friends didn't like you, and I didn't even notice that I no longer had any friends. All I wanted was you. I was content with waking up curled into your side, soaking in your otherworldly warmth, breathing in your delicious scent, a hoarse "I love you" coming from your throat and your lips pressed against my temple, sending all sorts of wonderful sensations running down my spine.

But one day, he lured another woman into his embrace.

You'd say the same words to her as you said to me. You'd wrap a lock of her hair around your finger and kiss it, and you'd tell her that you loved her between each kiss. I love you, I love you, I love you. A hundred thousand of them, one for each strand of hair. You'd pass your thumb across her eyelids and tell her that her eyes were brighter than any jewel you'd ever seen. You'd kiss the side of her mouth, nibble on her lip the same way you used to nibble mine. And I bet she loved you just as much as I did. You had a way of doing that—pulling people in, dragging them into the magnetic force that orbited you, as if you were the only one in the world. I loved that about you, how you had people surrounding you at all times, how charismatic you were. I bet she loved that about you too.

He smelled like her perfume.

Perhaps it was my own fault. My own stupid nose that picked up the fruity smell on your neck. Maybe if I hadn't noticed, we would have been fine. Maybe I should've been more ignorant. I shouldn't have noticed how nice she smelled. I shouldn't have realized that she was, in all ways, better than me, and I should've blamed you, but how could I? I could taste her on your lips when you kissed me. I could smell her in your arms when you embraced me. And she was so perfect. So I'd ignore it all, I'd wipe away my tears, wash away my own cheap perfume I'd been using since high school. I'd crawl back into bed with you, and together, we'd breathe in her scent, and sometimes I wondered when it was that I fell a little in love with her too.

I couldn't learn to be like her.

I realized that what you wanted was something I could never be. So this is my goodbye. I don't know where you are right now. You could be with her, you could be with another woman, you could be with ten other women. I'll never find out, because I'll be gone. Away. Far, far away. I don't know where I'll go, or how I'll get there. I'll probably go back to New York. I've missed the city. You never liked the noise and the constant traffic, but I love it. Maybe it'll help me forget you. Everything moves so fast there, a blink, and everything is gone. I can only hope my pain will be the same way. I'll turn around, and you'll be nothing but a distant memory. If you even loved me one bit over the years we've spent together, don't look for me. I'm sure you wouldn't anyway. But if you do notice that I'm gone, if you do find this letter I've started writing months ago and if you do decide you need me, just remember, no matter where I am, my heart will always be yours. It's been yours the day I spilled coffee all over you and you yelled at me. To this day, I still don't know what you said, because I was too mesmerized. By your voice, by your entire being, by your existence. I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you tomorrow, and the day after that. I'll love you for years to come, and I'll love you until I die.

Goodbye, Jace.

~C.