A/N: Hello! About half way through my NaNoWriMo I decided to have a short break from writing my main story (Something More – previously called To Darkness), and I wrote this oneshot yesterday. For those of you following Something More, don't worry, I haven't stopped writing it and I plan to upload more of it in December.
Warnings: Major character death, suicidal themes, magic reveal
Merlin was running. He was running as fast as he could. He was running like his life depended on it – or more accurately, his death. He knew that Arthur was close on his tail. He had run passed the gates of Camelot minutes ago, and he had no idea where he was headed now. He just knew that he needed to get away. Away from Camelot, away from Arthur, and away from everything that he knew. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't hide who he was anymore. All Merlin wanted was to be able to show Arthur who he really was, but he couldn't put Arthur through that. He needed his freedom, and he knew the only way he would ever get it was through his death.
"Merlin!" Arthur shouted after him as he ran after his raven-haired manservant. Arthur hadn't meant to upset Merlin. He didn't even know what this was about. One minute they were in Arthur's chambers, talking like normal and joking about, and the next Merlin was having some form of breakdown and ran off saying that he had to end his life because it was "the only option left". Arthur was shocked as to where this outburst had come from. In all the years he had known Merlin, he hadn't ever acted this way before, which caused Arthur to know that Merlin was being serious. Merlin really did want to end his life for some reason. But Arthur wasn't going to let him do this.
Merlin didn't even turn around at the sound of Arthur's voice, even though he just wanted to run into his King's arms and be comforted. He wanted to be able to tell Arthur the truth and for everything to be okay, and for Arthur to hold him and tell him that everything was fine. But he knew that he was past that now. Arthur could never know the truth about him. Their friendship was all a lie. They could never be. Arthur had gone his whole life with people lying to him. Merlin couldn't betray his trust the way everyone else had.
"Merlin! Just stop and talk to me!" Arthur shouted, only a few metres behind him. Merlin started to run a little faster as he knew Arthur was gaining on him. Merlin realized that he was running out of places to run. They were headed straight for a dead end. There was a cliff surrounded by tall, swaying trees up ahead. Merlin knew this was the perfect chance. Arthur could also see the cliff approaching and he could tell what Merlin was planning.
"MERLIN!" He was panicking. Merlin was coming up to the edge of the cliff as Arthur managed to catch up.
As he reached the edge Merlin turned around, a dagger in his hand facing Arthur. Merlin had been keeping the dagger with him the past few days while he was contemplating whether ending his life was the best option for him. It had comforted him knowing that the option was there if he needed to take it. It seemed that now the dagger was going to be useful after all. Arthur backed up as he saw that Merlin had the dagger.
"Stay back, I don't want to have to hurt you". Merlin said, tears streaming down his face. Arthur could see all the pain Merlin was feeling in his face. He moved back a little. The thought that Merlin was feeling this way and Arthur had never known was crushing him. He felt that he should have prevented Merlin getting to this stage.
"Merlin… why are you doing this?" He asked softly in a soothing voice. Merlin wiped the tears off his face.
"I,.. I can't do this anymore.." Merlin said, as he broke into a sob. Arthur felt like he had been punched in the gut. How could his beast friend have been feeling this way and not told him. This wasn't right.
"Why? What's made you feel this way?" Arthur asked. He needed to understand why this was happening.
"If I told you, you'd hate me. And I don't want that. I want to die knowing that you don't think any differently of me". Merlin said sobbing softly. Arthur considered this for a moment. Whatever it was that Merlin had been hiding from him, Arthur decided he didn't care. He just wanted Merlin back safe and happy.
"Merlin, what ever it is, I won't treat you any differently. I need you to tell me what's going on. You can't just end your life because you don't want me to know something about you. We're friends. I'll except you for whatever you have done". Arthur said more forcefully, pushing Merlin to tell him the truth.
"Arthur… you don't understand. You would hate me! I've been lying to you since the moment we met. Our entire friendship IS A LIE!" Merlin shouted at him. He needed to make Arthur see that this couldn't be avoided. This was the only option now. There was no turning back.
"No, I won't accept that. Are you saying you don't want to be my friend? Even if you were lying about something, it doesn't mean our friendship was false. As long as your intentions were always pure… then no matter what, we can be fine. We can pull through this Merlin. I need you". Arthur explained sincerely, edging closer to Merlin. He was hoping to get close enough to take the dagger off him and pull him away from the cliff. Merlin noticed him coming close and raised his weapon closer to Arthur.
"Stay back or I'll jump. I mean it, Arthur". Merlin said glaring through his tears. He hated having to threaten Arthur, but he believed it was the only way to get the message through.
Arthur raised his hands as if to show that he was defeated. He took a slight step backwards. Merlin relaxed a little. Arthur could feel his eyes prickling with tears. He just wanted to hold Merlin in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But Merlin wasn't going to allow him that contact.
"Just tell me what it is, Merlin.". Arthur pressed. He needed to know. Whatever this secret was, it couldn't be worth Merlin ending his life for.
Merlin thought for a moment, and decided that Arthur wasn't going to give up. At least if he told Arthur now, then maybe he would see that not everyone with magic is evil.
"I have magic, Arthur!". He shouted. Arthur froze for moment, unsure of how to react. He felt hurt that this is what Merlin had been keeping from him for all of these years. Arthur felt betrayed. He had trusted Merlin more than anyone he had ever known. But Arthur knew, even though the betrayal hurts, that Merlin would only have ever used magic for good. He let out a deep breath.
"You should've told me, Merlin". He said softly, hurt in his eyes. A tear slid down his cheek. He brushed it away quickly.
"Why? So that you could execute me? I've spent my entire life in Camelot hiding who I was just so that I could protect you, and the whole time I knew that the second I told you who I truly was I would be punished!". Merlin shouted.
"I would never have had you executed! You're my dearest friend. It may take getting used to, but I would never hurt you for being who you are!". Arthur yelled back. Merlin thought for a moment. He figured he may as well just explain everything to Arthur now that he knew about his magic.
"You know, the reason why I've stuck around all of these years is because our destiny's our entwined. It is my destiny to protect you so that one day you will bring magic and peace back to the land I've risked my life countless times trying to fulfill this". Merlin explained, crying. Arthur felt so guilty that he had never known all that Merlin had done for him.
"But I know the truth now and I can acknowledge everything you do. We can get through this, Merlin. I'm so sorry about everything, just give me a chance to set it all right". Arthur responded, heartfelt. Merlin sunk to his knees. He couldn't believe how reasonable Arthur was being. He was expecting Arthur to be angry with him. He curled up on the ground next to the edge of the cliff sobbing. Arthur accepted that it would probably be safe for him to go to Merlin now. He walked over to his manservant and knelt next to him, wrapping his arms around him into a comforting embrace. Merlin wrapped his arms back around his King and sobbed into his chest.
"Its okay, Merlin. It's all going to be okay". Arthur said soothingly as he stroked his fingers through Merlin's hair.
"I'm sorry Arthur. I'm so sorry". Merlin said, looking into Arthur's eyes as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Arthur looked back down at him, and tried to comfort him.
"It will be okay, Merlin. We can get through this". Arthur explained, wiping the tears off Merlin's face. Merlin looked down.
"We could never work this out. You aren't ready to return magic to the land yet. But just know that not all magic is evil, and one day, you'll realize that it is right for you to return magic to the. Remember that, Arthur. Remember that is your destiny". Merlin said sternly. Merlin knew that no matter how much Arthur wanted to, or how hard he tried, he would never be able to fully forgive him for his betrayal. The lies would hang over the pair of them for the remainder of their lives together. Merlin knew that death would still be the only way to correct the wrongs between them. Then they would finally be at peace with one another.
Arthur was surprised by the way Merlin was talking. He was about to ask why Merlin was speaking to him this way when he saw Merlin's arm swiftly move to his throat. It took Arthur less than a second to realize that Merlin still had the dagger in his hand, but he wasn't quick enough to stop Merlin from swiping the blade across his pale-white throat.
"Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed. Blood poured from Merlin's neck as Arthur laid him along the ground, holding his hand to Merlin's throat to try and stop the blood flow. As Merlin slowly lost consciousness he gave Arthur a reassuring smile. He wanted Arthur to know that this was okay, and that it was what he wanted.
"Goodbye, Arthur. I love you". Merlin said softly.
"I love you too, Merlin. Please, don't leave me... I need you". Arthur replied, a tear falling down his face. Merlin's eyes slid shut and his life drained from him. As Arthur felt Merlin go limp in his arms, he sobbed, clutching Merlin to his chest in a tight embrace.