Disclaimer; I do not own any form of the Harry Potter series. (This disclaimer is for every chapter in this fanfiction)
Chapter 1; The Beginning. (A.K.A. First Impressions, The Beard (Oh God the Beard!), and the Chase)
"You must be jesting." Albus Dumbledores' face still held remains of shock, which frankly would have delighted the rest of the teachers if it weren't for the situation at hand. All professors were currently herded into the Headmasters' cluttered office. Rubeus Hagrid sat in front in an overly enlarged chair facing Dumbledore waiting for the verdict of what was to be done.
"Are you sure that's exactly what happened though? Maybe you might've misunderstood what the poor boy did." Ponoma Sprout pipped up from the left of Hagrid, her face was matted in soil and concern. "Perhaps you should tell us again what happened." she tried helpfully, carefully concealing her amusement. In fact all present were trying not to burst out in laughter except Dumbledore who was still in shock, Hagrid who seemed troubled by what occurred, and Snape who hadn't stopped scowling when the name "Potter" left Hagrids mouth.
"I's wha I sa'd be'ore," Hagrid stressed out. "E' jus chuc'eld an' shu' th' door."
"But didn't you say he gave you directions too?" Minerva McGonagall stated rather than asked.
"E'r" Hagrid gently handed her a piece of notebook paper, careful not to tear it. McGonagall took one look at the childish writing before bursting out in peals of laughter. Doubled over she shoved it at the closest person who was Sinistra, this continued until all the Professors read the message and trying to quell their laughter. Smirking the tiniest bit Snape passed it over to Dumbledore who numbly took it without reading. The letter was simple but to the point.
You and your bumblebee should go here.
And in small letters underneath it read.
Don't come back, I have a knife and I will use it. Thanks
At the bottom of the page were directions and a makeshift map, followed by a crudely drawn picture of a stick figure holding a knife.
"What was at the destination?" Dumbledore inquired leaning back in his chair and sucking on a lemon drop. His face lost the shock and now had a determined look to it. What you could see of Hagrids face grew red in embarrassment. He looked down and mumbled out a string of words fast. Dumbledore leaned forward and listening with rapt attention to what happened, but toward the end his eye got this little twitch in it and when he smiled at Hagrid everyone winced at how crazy he looked.
"An asylum? Why in Merlins Beard would he send you to an asylum?" Albus gritted out. He leaned back and pinched between his eyes attempting to ward off a headache. This was suppose to be easy. The boy was suppose to be thrilled to come to Hogwarts. All the wizarding world was counting down the hours until the Boy-Who-Lived returned to their world! What Dumbledore didn't count on was young Harry declining, it was unheard of for someone to decline an invitation to go to Hogwarts.
"Don' know, whe' I we'n ba' e' pull'd a knife on me." Hagrid slowly explained.
"Maybe someone else should've went. No offense Hagrid but you are intimidating and he might've had a fright at the sight of you." Sprout said. "Maybe one of us should go fetch him."
Dumbledore smiled and a twinkle found its way back into his eyes. "Splendid idea! I will go and explain in detail about the Wizarding Community. Anyone else want to accompany me?"
A small waif of a boy sat in the front lawn of a house that scarily looked exactly like every other house in the development, but that wasn't odd at all, what was odd was that he was cackling on as he was burning ants with a magnifying glass. Sadly this wasn't as odd a sight to the neighbors who have seen much crazier than this. Becoming bored quickly the boy tossed the object over his shoulder (where it banged loudly again a window pane) and stomped the rest of the ants dead. Laying back he apparently decided it was nap time, that was until there were a series of cracks breaking through the air.
Brilliant Harry thought to himself as he lazily opened one eye. Which he shut again quickly when he saw the odd arrange of people heading in his general direction.
"Mr. Potter I presume?" a shadow fell over his form, still laying on the ground. Hoping to whatever God out there that it was not one of those sideshow freaks, Harry opened his eyes, apparently he likes setting himself up for disappointment. That or the universe hates him. For what was standing over him was to put it frankly a beard, with a person hidden somewhere in there.
Rolling into a sitting position Harry took note of the crowd that was suddenly surrounding him and his escape options.
"Depends...who wants to know?" He stared at the Holy-Bearded-One. completely ignoring the other adults who were currently staring at him.
"My name is Albus Dumbledore and-" That was as far as Dumbledore got before Harry was crab-walking away from him, a look of anger and frustration on his face.
"Hold on there!" Dumbledore chased after the scuttling child as he tried to escape. The rest of the professors who accompanied Dumbledore watched in rapt fascination.
"I told your lackey, and now I'm telling you! If you don't leave me alone Bumblebee, I will go to the constable! Then...then I'll tell them you touched me in my no-no place! Y'know what they do to perverts in prison? huh, well do ya?" Harry spat out as he stumbled to his feet and took off down the street, Mr. McBeardy (surprisingly agile) right behind.
"Halt!" Dumbledore cried out in vain. To the rest of the group it was quite a privileged site to see one of the most respected men in the magic community be accused of being a pedophile, it was not helping that he was currently serpentining down a street after a boy of only eleven. The professors stood by idly and watched as the two disappeared around a street corner and out of view.
"All in favor of going back to the castle and thinking out a plan?" McGonagall looked at the others.
This was answered throughout the crowd with "Aye." and "Yes." then several sharp cracks sounded out. Then, Privet Drive was peaceful once again.
It was in the teachers lounge where Dumbledore found all of his wayward employee's. Looming in the doorway he towered above them like a vengeful god about to smite down his enemies (in this case, he made a mental note to fire everyone gathered that abandoned him on his Boy-Who-Lived hunt throughout most of Surrey). He stared at them, while they all stared back. It went on for about a minute before Snape, of all people, gave an undignified snort and turned his head away. Dumbledore just kept his glare firmly on, there was absolutely no way he was going to eye twinkle at them, this he felt was the best way to proceed.
"Uh...Albus? Did you happen to see your reflection lately?" Sprout bit her lip to keep from smiling.
"I've been busy for the past couple of hours. Why? Is there something in my beard?" His eyes self-consciously darted down to his beard for a quick second, when he found nothing wrong he glared harder for trying to get him off track.
Minerva summoned a mirror and enlarged it without looking in Dumbledore's general direction.
"Oh dear." Albus muttered. It seems when he fell into a puddle (chasing the savior of the wizarding world) it escaped his notice that it rather looked like he soiled himself. A quick cleaning spell on his robes and Albus felt he was back in business, and once again the other occupants of the room were left to wither under his disappointed glare.
Harry looked back over his shoulder and sighed. Finally that creepy old guy was no where in sight, and Harry planned to keep it that way.
Starting the long walk back to Privet Drive he decided he needed to intervene on his relatives attempts to sell him, for that was obviously what this whole "Magic School" nonsense was. And Harry has never been so insulted in his life! To think the biggest payer was a walking beard who wore dresses, sure he was tiny for his age, but seriously? Harry thought he could've gotten at least a more eye pleasing person wanting his body. Not that he even wanted to be sold to crazy men, or even be sold at all...but if he was he'd definitely be way out of that man's league.
Harry abruptly stopped in his tracks and decided that the last five minutes of his thoughts did not, in fact, happen. Feeling happier, still paranoid, but happier, Harry rounded the corner to trek his way back to the house.
He consciously made a mental note to himself that he was never going to sell his body, regardless of the buyers age or gender.
Far away Gilderoy Lockhart felt disappointed, but could not for the life of him figure out why.