Dan Cahill was bored. Amy and Nellie told him to get out of the house and go have some guy time so they could have "girl time". Dan was on his computer Googling "guy time". A list caught his eye. Grinning, Dan hit print.
An hour later found Dan, Hamilton, Jonah, Phoenix, Ned, Ted, and (to Dan's dismay) Ian. "So you want to do this list," Ned began.
"As a way for us to have 'guy time'," Ted finished, looking up from the list. "Yeah," Dan was jumping up and down, "Amy and Nellie said it's okay!" What they had actually said was more along the lines of "get out".
"I highly doubt that," muttered Hamilton as he got in the front of his minivan. Ian climbed in shotgun and the others piled in the back. "So where should we go? Wal-Mart, Target, Kmart?"
"Let's start with Wal-Mart. The list is called Funny Things to do at Wal-Mart!" Jonah suggested. "But let's skip the ones that could hurt people and/or get us arrested." As they pulled into the lot, Dan passed out copies of the list. "Here we go!"
Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
"Hello sir, how much are the shopping carts?" The salesperson stared at Dan. "They're free! Great, thanks!" Dan hugged the man and walked away.
Confess your sins to the customer in the next fitting room.
"…And then I told my sister that my other sister was the one who broke her trophy but it was really me!" Hamilton was trying to stifle his laughter by pretending to cry but he just sounded congested.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
"I thought this was supposed to smell like pine. I guess not."
Create your own clothing line in the Arts & Crafts section.
"Hamilton?"
"Yeah Ted?"
"What the heck is that supposed to be?"
"It's a shirt!"
"I'd stick with sports if I were you."
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
They moved in perfect formation around a group of old ladies and made them scream.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
"Where's the food court?" Ian asked. "Well, we're in Wal-Mart, not the mall," Jonah answered.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin – to the Batcave!"
"Let's go Robin Ned!"
"Wait, Ted, why am I Robin?"
Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming".
Ian scowled, "We are not doing that."
Excessively use anything that says "Try Me".
Jonah's attempt at flirting after bathing himself in cologne resulted in him getting kicked in the shin by a girl who thought he was crazy.
Go in wearing a towel and ask for soap.
Hamilton didn't even get to ask because the salesgirl almost fainted at the sight of the ripped Tomas shirtless.
Greet everyone coming in the store with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
An old lady pinched Phoenix's cheek and said, "Okay little boy."
Hang comforters over a few aisles.
The comforters didn't reach all the way across.
Have a picnic with some friends in the food aisle.
"I guess we don't have to worry about lunch."
Have pillow fights with stuffed animals.
Dan had a kangaroo and Phoenix had a penguin. "Take that!"
Hide in the clothing racks and when someone goes past, shout out "TRY ME/BUY ME".
"What the fuck?" was the response to Ned's request.
Hog up the Xbox or PS demo games.
A ten year old boy was glaring at Ian. "Dude, I've been waiting for twenty minutes!"
"Patience is a virtue," was the only reply.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Jonah almost cracked his head open.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
"…and 1, 2, 3, 4 dollars, and 25, 50…"
"12, 43, 1007, a bajillion!"
Marco Polo! Need I say more?
While Dan was it, he bumped into the manager who did not look happy. "I am afraid I will have to ask you and your friends to leave before I have you arrested for loitering." The boys decided to leave Wal-Mart and head to Target.
Open up some cheese and crackers, and offer samples.
The minute Phoenix opened the boxes he was bombarded with questions:
"Are those gluten-free?"
"What farm is the cheese from?"
"What is the serving suggestion?"
"How many calories?"
Play hide-and-seek. If you want to make it more fun, play it with your imaginary friends!
"Timmy, come out come out wherever you are!"
"Who's Timmy?" a little girl asked Ned. "His imaginary friend," Ned explained, "except Dan thinks he's real."
Play limbo with the brooms.
One teenager bent over into a back bend, went under the broom, stood up, and blew a kiss at Jonah who blushed.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
Hamilton kicked the ball into the metal trash can and bellowed, "Goal!" at the top of his lungs.
Play Tag.
This escalated into a shoving match which resulted in the group being kicked out of Target. "Next stop, Kmart!" Hamilton announced as he started the car.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
The calculators were in boxes.
Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that you're a prissy English Man. Say things like "What ho, good man" to people who walk by. Don't forget to have a perfect posture.
"Also something that we will not do," Ian was annoyed with the list. Why not act like stupid Americans?
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Also in boxes.
Stick a price tag on yourself and sit on a shelf.
One girl told Ian she'll take him home anytime. Dan fell over laughing.
Walk around the store with an empty book saying it is a guest book, and get people to sign it.
Several girls wrote down their phone numbers for Hamilton and batted their eyes at him. "Sinead's gonna kill you," Ted warned him.
Walk up to an employee and say, "Can I help you?"
"No thanks, I'm fine," said the kind-faced middle aged woman. "Is there anything I can get you?"
When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially in thin narrow aisles.
Ian abandoned this when he realized there was a screaming baby behind him and he decided to escape.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this shit, anyway?"
"Uh Dan, you do," Ned smirked at him, gesturing to his t-shirt and jeans.
This story was inspired by the following article: .