Harry was going to the dungeons.
Nothing dodgy, he just needed to do his potions homework.
Hermione was ill.
So he went to the dungeon and THREW his bag onto a desk.
"Hello Harry Potter" said a dark voice.
"Hi, Seamus!" said Harry happily. "Hermione is ill."
"I know, " said Seamus, "I have to do my own homework."
"Hey, how about that!" Said Harry. "Me freaking too!"
"Oh no, is Hermione ill?" said Seamus concernedly.
"Yes she is," said Harry tiredly. "That's why I have to do my own homework."
"Me too!" said Seamus. "It's sad isn't it?"
"What is?" said Harry.
"I don't know." Said Seamus, sadly.
"OMG!" said a voice from the shadowed shadows. "Are you all retarded?" it was Lavender Brown.
"No, we're not." Shouted Harry, a little bit annoyed.
"We're not what?" said Seamus, confused.
"Retarded." Said Harry.
"Oh." Said Seamus. "I might be."
Harry grabbed his shoulders, and Seamus leaned back anxiously.
"Listen, friend!" said Harry urgently. "You are NOT. Don't let anyone tell you that!"
"I'm not what? I'm not your friend, buddy."
Harry dropped him on the hard, cold floor. "I'm not your buddy, guy."
Seamus cried when he hit in the floor and clutched his weary face and then decided he was okay.
"I've finished now." He said, picking up his things.
"You haven't even started!" said Harry, surprised.
"I've finished now." Said Seamus, and left.
"I AM ALL ALONE!" said Harry, and sat down.
"I'm here" said Lavender.
"No you're not." Harry retorted, and sure enough Lavender wasn't.
"Potter." A voice hissed.
Harry felt a cold prickle feeling on the back of his neck.
"What are you doing here? Where is Miss Granger?" Snape hissed.
"I think we should get this over with." Said Harry, pulling down his trousers.
"Good God, Harry! No!" said Snape, alarmed. "I don't like that at all."
"Are you gay?" said Harry asked affronted.
"If I was, I would have gone for your sweet ass." Said Snape.
"That sounds legit," said Harry, pulling his trousers up. "But people expect something to happen between us!"
"Okay." Said Snape, evilly, caressing Harry's scar.
"That tickles!" Harry screamed.
"Does it?" said Snape, happily. His long fingers touched his rib cage.
"OOOOOH!" said Harry.
"Shut up!" said Snape, clapping a hand over his mouth.
"MORE." Harry demanded.
"NO!" said Snape.
"Okay," said Snape changing his mind. He threw Harry onto the desk.
"MIND MY BAG." Said Harry.
"FORGET YOUR BAG." Said Snape, tickling Harry's feet.
"GET OFF ME AND MY BAG." Said Harry.
"TIIIIIICCCCCCKKKKLLLLLEEE." Said Snape, scratching Harry's tummy.
"THIS IS TORTURE." Said Harry, weirdly aroused.
"I HOPE YOU'RE NOT AROUSED." said Snape.
"NO!" said Harry, damning occlumency.
"GOOD." Snape shouted, and shoved his fingers into Harry's armpits.
Harry screamed. "THIS IS AWFUL… BUT I LIKE IT."
"ME TOO!" said Snape. "But I'm tired now."
"Yes." Replied Harry. "Let's cuddle and go to sleep."
So they did.
"I'M A RETARD!" shouted Seamus.