From the Desk of Roy Mustang: 50 Things I'll Never Do
Giraffes
Anal Sex (unless it's Envy)
Ass-play (unless it's Greed)
Rimming of any sort (unless it's Gluttony)
Get my hair cut to look like a homo
Fuck a water alchemist
Leave any other fire alchemists alive
Take off my gloves (even during masturbation- friction makes it better)
Not be a badass
Anything for Love
Riza Hawkeye (LOL JK)
Ed Elric (for real this time he's tiny)
Alphonse Elric (how would that even work?) (JK I'll find a way)
Black Hayate
Visit Ishval (it's smelly)
Refuse to smack a bitch
Refuse buttsex from the Fuhrer
Disobey the Fuhrer
Not masturbate thinking about Alex Armstrong
Masturbate thinking about Olivier Armstrong
Not light my pubes on fire when masturbating
Become a Lesbian
Crystal Meth (again)
Hire a black man
Insert a Philosopher's stone into my ass again (don't ask)
Auto-erotic Asphyxiation
Erotic Asphyxiation
Have any lost limbs replaced by automail
Visit Hideki's Farm
Become a furry (unless I'm a wolf)
Coat hangers as nipple clamps
AIDS
Use corndog nuggets in foreplay EVER AGAIN (not even frozen)
Drunkenly make out with May Chang
Or Xao-Mei
Especially Xao-Mei
No really
That was fucked up
(Unless I do, in fact, become a furry)
Nah, even then. Still fucked up.
Make any real contributions to society other than impregnating women with my manliest seed
Get a vasectomy
Masturbate with a vacuum cleaner
Give head to a tranny while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance on acid (never again, dude)
Fuck Maes's corpse (Gracia's got first dibs)
Do it with a goat, on a boat, in a box, with a fox
Pull Hohenheim's ponytail during sex (apparently he hates that?)
Reveal my affair with Trisha Elric's corpse to anyone but the Elric family (Sidebar: is it an affair if they're already dead?)
Finish this fucking lis