Snow White
My step-mother had this mirror
Would never let me clean it
(It was going green around the edges)
And she asked the men to move the well twice
Until it was at a right angle to the back wall
And then – to make things worse – she tried to kill me!
Just imagine the blood
(Terrible to remove through dry cleaning)
So I talked the grubby man out of it
Slipped him some washing powder
And stumbled through the woods
Until I came upon the cottage
You would have thought that men who mine diamonds
Would have been able to afford a house keeper
But no
So I tidied it
Scrubbed it, dusted it, washed, gutted it
Hoovered three times and rang Ikea to replace the furniture
And then, before I collapsed on them, remade seven little beds
The men came home
And what dirty little men they were
I sent them outside to wash
Before sanitising every surface they had touched
Sanding down every floorboard on which they had stepped
And then made them sleep outside
Then there came the day this old lady offered me an apple
She was insistent I took a bite
But first I washed all her clothes
And brushed her hair
Then – of course – I spent half an hour polishing said apple
Before I took a bite
The next thing I know, someone is kissing me
Placing their lips – and God knows where they've been – on mine
I didn't even pay attention to his face
All I could notice were the fingerprints
His grubby fingers he had pressed all over the glass