RYOGA'S JOURNAL
"Hopeless"


I will be entering my journal in English. It will give me a chance to practice it, and I do find myself needing to expand my language skills what with my travels. In all honesty I don't want to end up in the places I've been to... but, it's not to be helped.
This Journal I will be keeping is not about my travels, mostly because I would like to forget many of them, but about me. Things I need to get out... Out of my system before they release themselves in the wrong places. Before.

Before I was just a normal boy. At a normal school. Doing normal things. With normal friends.
Then, I ask myself: "How did it start?"
How?
And why?
It all seems hopeless for me now. And I will have to bare it, struggle on. What will happen in my future? It seems that I can only be hopeless.
Hopeless.
How do I keep going?
Something I may always be.
I am...
Hopeless.

It started when he came. Ranma Saotome. The tyrant, the coward, the cretin... the blame! He is the cause of my suffering. It is his fault. All of it. You may think it funny that I blame this life -- no, this hell -- on Ranma Saotome, but I don't! Maybe at first... maybe I didn't think it through. But he didn't help the matter any! No, he made it worse. What do I ramble about? I'll tell you:
It was a bread feud. That's all it was at first. EVERYDAY he would manage to take the bread from me; and my school was a battle ground! Lunch-hour was the worst of all! So at last I did what any man would have done after suffering such injustices! I challenged him. We were to meet in a empty lot. Then we could settle it. Once and for all.
But Saotome wouldn't have it! All I had to do was follow the main road to the lot.... Four days! It took me four days to get to that accursed lot! I will never forget what awaited me when I finally reached it: an empty lot! THAT DAMN SAOTOME RAN OFF TO CHINA WITH HIS FATHER! I was lost...
I became more lost than I ever thought possible after that. Mentally and physically! I couldn't let Saotome escape-- run away-- from a man-to-man fight! Never! I wanted revenge! Revenge; the dish best served cold. One man's destroyer. Another man's joy.
I tracked him down as best I could. I got lost several times and those times I won't go into. I finally had tracked him to Jusenkyo -- a name that would haunt me forever after that. I was unsuccessful in getting my revenge! But one misfortune led to another. I was pushed into a spring by a girl and a panda. Not just any spring. A cursed spring.
I reemerged a black pig. I had fallen into the spring of drown piglet. I was thankfully pulled out. Had my luck changed slightly? No. No, I was to be eaten! ME! Ryoga Hibiki, eaten, as a pig! As a pig! I was lowered into the boiling water.
Then I turned back. Back to human. Naked, but otherwise intact. But, to my dismay, I found that when ever I get wet with cold water... I become... that... thing... that damn pig! That curse! You'd think my life couldn't get any worse... You'd think. You'd be wrong.
I managed to track Ranma back to Japan. Where at last I could get my revenge. But it would not come. As much as I tried it would not come. To make matters worse, I found that Ranma was the girl that knocked me into the spring! First I had only blamed him for my going to Jusenkyo, but now, now it was HE who pushed me in... the direct reason for my curse!
Ranma had also been cursed... at least that's what he calls it. The body of a woman he calls a curse. A beautiful form... Not like mine, where I'm forced to loose my clothing, forced to shrink down to a tiny worthless size, forced to remain un-known... unwanted... I cannot even communicate! Not Ranma, he is still loved. He is not unable to speak. He is not weak. He is a she. That is all.
The days I've lost lamenting lost days. I've said it before. I still mean it.
This is not the last of it.
This is not the end of my sad story.
There is one other.
Akane.
I fear that that name will ring forever in my ears. Akane is the most beautiful, amazing woman I have ever set eyes upon. I weep now to think of it. I am in love with Akane Tendo. She has no idea I exist.
She loves P-chan. Also a name that will ring forever in my ears.... P-chan. A name Akane gave to my pig form. When she gave me the name. When she kissed me on the nose. When she held me close. I could have died. I could have. I should have.
She loves P-chan. She doesn't love Ryoga. And I don't know, or want to think about what she would do if she found we were one in the same. Ranma knows. He is a constant reminder, infact.
Akane.... (I don't want to write it... I don't even want to think it... but I have to admit it.) Akane... loves... Ranma. She loves him. He loves her.
At first I didn't realize it. It seemed to me they hated each other. It still does. It makes me think: "Ryoga, you have a chance!" But no... I know I don't. I know that.
I sigh to myself now. To think of the way Ranma treats Akane. To think how he hurts her. How he talks to her in ways a man should never talk to a woman, especially one like Akane. To see the way he treats her and the way he gets away with it; it really hurts my feelings.
When Akane's not looking, he gives her the look I find myself making whenever I think of her. Unrequited love. At least that's what mine is. I don't know about Ranma, he can turn it off. As soon as Akane turns to him the look fades then he says something like, "What's up, macho chick?" than Akane hits him! I only wish I had that chance.
I've watched this display many times. And I think, "At last, Ryoga. At, last you can make your move." But then... Akane gives him a look. A look I will never see. Not for me. Never. The same look I give her. Love. But she too can turn it off. Not as easily as Ranma can. They try and hide their love. They can't. I know I can see though it. I wish I couldn't. whoever said ignorance is bliss was 100% right.
Even if.... if I could walk right up to Akane and say, "I love you Akane Tendo." What would she day? She'd say, "But I love Ranma." Then what? I'll tell you what...... My heart of glass.... would be shattered!
It's already broken. But to hear those words. It would shatter. And Akane would have to witness it. And I couldn't do that to her. I could never hurt her. And maybe that's why I can never destroy Ranma. Maybe... as much as I don't want to admit it. Maybe I lose because I want to... So I don't hurt Akane. So she won't lose Ranma. Lose Ranma to me. To P-chan. I sneer in disgust to write it. I don't know if it's 100% true. But it's a thought that came to me more than once.
What if I did bring Ranma to justice? What if I finally beat Ranma? I have before. But he's even more relentless than me. Than me! That would mean I would have to get rid of him. For good. Also a thought that has entered my head more than once. There is one thing I know for certain: A dead man if perfect. Left untainted, unhated, even undead in a sence! I say that because in true love you never let go. I couldn't watch that. I couldn't watch Akane cling to him like that! Cling to him even in death! It's bad enough now to see them together. But to see Akane when they're apart. I couldn't live through that. I couldn't bare it. Not me. To multiply my strength but 100 would produce how fragile my heart is. And I am known by my fists of steel.
If there's a prize for stupid mistakes, I'd know. Not only that I'd have won it one thousand times over. There's nothing stupider than falling in love with your enimie's Fiancee.
So at last I ask myself: "when will it all end?"
When?
And how?
Maybe... maybe there is hope for me. But I will have to wait, wait and see. What will happen in my future? I can only hope that is includes Akane by my side.
Hope.
That's how I'll keep going.
Never take it away.
Never lose it.
Hope.