A/N. My St. Berry muse has been on hiatus due to RIB & co's assassination of Rachel Berry's character. I find it very difficult to imagine Jesse with the Rachel we now see on our television screens and hence very difficult to write St. Berry. Today I needed to deal with my inner frustration/sadness/anger about Glee so this story came from that. (I'm still not sure if this will be a one-shot or continued.)
SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW
Jesse St. James stood at the stage door signing countless autographs as he always did. No matter how big a star he became he still believed it was important to give back, not to mention it was good PR. At thirty years of age he had achieved remarkable success both on stage and on screen yet he was keenly aware that fame could be fickle, fame could be fleeting. It never hurt to stay on the good side of the general public who were, after all, his real employers.
He was under no allusions that his looks and his talent had been a big part of his achieving success, but so had hard work and determination. Jesse St. James was always focused. Tonight however, he was struggling to sign the last few playbills and programs. It had been an exhausting week due to extra projects he'd committed himself to aside from the nightly show. He realized he was beginning to work on autopilot and closed his eyes for a second to regroup. Just then he heard a soft voice say:
"Could you sign it 'to Rachel?"
Jesse's blue eyes snapped open and he gazed intently at the petite figure before him. Many times he had hoped for this moment, for his Rachel, the one person who had managed to make him truly care, the only one to break his heart, to be waiting at the stage door. But the woman who stood before him looked much older than he expected. Her short dark bob was streaked with premature silver; there were furrows on her brow and the start of faint lines near her mouth. Then his gaze locked in on a pair of sad, tired, but familiar brown eyes "Rachel?" His voice inadvertently displayed his shock and disbelief.
"Hi, Jesse, it's been awhile." Rachel shifted uncomfortably before his gaze. It had taken her a great deal of courage to come to the stage door after the evening's performance, and she was regretting the decision already.
"How are you doing? I expected to run across you somewhere on Broadway over the years. I mean, you were attending NYADA after you graduated from high school."
"Yes, well, I got pregnant and had to drop out. " Rachel dipped her head, momentarily averting her gaze from Jesse. She hadn't thought admitting her stupid mistakes would be this hard. She gathered her strength and resumed looking him squarely in the eye before continuing, "After the twins were born, Finn couldn't support us here with the high cost of living and only one salary, so we moved back to Ohio. He started working for Burt and we've been there ever since. I'm only here now because I got pretty sick a few months ago and my Dads decided I needed a break. They paid for my holiday and are looking after the kids for a couple of weeks."
"I see." Jesse for once was at a loss for words. It was an uncomfortable and sad scenario. What could he talk to her about? They had been so similar in their talent, dreams and goals. They shared so many of the same likes and dislikes. But if he spoke of those things, would it make her happy or just add to her sorrow? Should he just make small chat and then walk away? But this was Rachel and there was still that small tug at his heart that he couldn't ignore, so he asked "Do you want to go for a drink and talk a bit?"
"I'd like that very much" Rachel responded softly.
As Jesse ordered his driver to the stage door, and signed a few more autographs, his mind sorted out the situation. It worried him that Rachel seemed so timid and unsure. Where was the Rachel he had known? Did she even exist? Had she ever existed? Or had he deluded himself all those years ago? No, he didn't believe that. She had been wildly talented and extremely focused. His Rachel hadn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. But Finn Hudson had been her Achilles heel.
Jesse grimaced at the thought of Finn Hudson. He loathed the man, even more so now that he'd seen this shadow Rachel had become. Briefly the idea of gaining revenge on Finn by seducing Rachel entered his mind, but he just as quickly dismissed it. As tempting as the thought was he couldn't do that to Rachel. He didn't want to hurt her or cause gossip or problems for her. He would take her somewhere public but with some privacy to converse, he would have closure and they would go their separate ways. After helping her into the limo, Jesse immediately phoned Raoul to prepare a private table.
Rachel looked around the inside of the limo with awe. She'd never been in a limo before. Everything was pristine and there seemed to be every convenience imaginable. But her eyes were soon drawn back to Jesse and she appraised him covertly while he was engaged in his telephone conversation. He hadn't aged much from the last time she had seen him. The year he'd coached Vocal Adrenaline he'd already become a grown man and time seemed to have relatively stopped for him at that point. She was envious that he was still so youthful and beautiful, and that unlike herself, he was so completely at ease and confident in this luxurious setting. Rachel tugged self-consciously at her plain black dress. It was old but as she hadn't worn it much over the past few years, and it was a simple classic cut, it was quite presentable. Still she felt like some poor relative or a country mouse.
After calling Raoul, Jesse lowered the partition between the driver and themselves and asked Max to give Rachel a guided tour while he dealt with some other calls that had accumulated. None of them were of immediate concern but it kept him occupied so that he didn't have to converse with Rachel yet.
At first Rachel dutifully listened to Max's monologue. The city for her was magically and she had never tired of it during the one year she'd lived here. Max was equally enamored of it and he made an excellent tour guide, so soon his enthusiasm captivated her interest. Before she knew it they had arrived at their destination. As they entered the restaurant, an unexpected shiver of delight shot through Rachel when Jesse lightly placed his hand on her back to guide her to their secluded table. But all too soon she was seated and the comforting warmth was gone.
After the wine steward had served their wine and left, Jesse smiled at her and finally spoke. "I never eat much before the play and this is my favorite place to dine afterwards. I hope you like the wine; they keep it in stock for me at all times. Raoul is an amazing chef and a good friend. He can easily make up one of your favorite vegan main dishes or only a vegan dessert if you wish; just tell me what you'd like." He had no sooner spoken then Rachel promptly burst into tears.
For a moment Jesse froze in dismay, then regaining his mental faculties he swiftly handed her a dinner napkin while pondering worriedly as to what he had done to so distress her. After a few minutes Rachel regained control and explained. "I'm sorry, Jesse. It's just you haven't seen me in ten years and you remembered that I was a vegan. It took Finn four years to remember that about me, and then when money became tight, he complained all the time about the cost of my special food. I finally gave up being a vegan. It was just easier to do that then to fight about it all the time."
Jesse clenched his fist in anger at Rachel's words. The urge to throttle that bumbling fool Hudson was coursing through his veins at an alarming rate but he made himself take slow deep breaths and think logically. Hudson was an idiot, that was a given. However, he had to remember that Rachel had willingly chosen to marry that idiot. His cynicism rose to the surface. There had been plenty of women who had tried to trap him with sob stories over the past few years, how could he be certain that Rachel wasn't just putting on an act to gain sympathy? After all, she had always been good at turning on the waterworks. All great actors were. The hot anger subsided leaving a cold, icy calm in its place.
Just then the waiter who had been hovering discreetly in the distance appeared to take their order. As Rachel did not seem to be in any condition to make a decision as to food, Jesse ordered for her as well, and then sat back in his chair, gazing at her dispassionately.
"What's your game, Rachel?"
"Game? What do you mean?" Shocked bewilderment was etched on her features.
"Yes, game. You show up suddenly after ten years, and seek me out, I want to know why."
Rachel bristled, a bit of her old vibrant self surfaced and she snapped at him. "Because this was the first opportunity for me to come back to New York. I wanted to see you perform and to try and speak with you and apologize."
"Apologize?" Jesse raised an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.
"Yes! For the way I treated you when you came back and apologized to me; for my kissing Finn at Nationals and…" Rachel's voice trailed off then she swallowed hard before continuing. "I used you. I used you to bolster my ego and worst of all I used you to make Finn jealous. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry."
"And what led you to this realization that you needed to apologize?" Jesse's voice remained impassive, his show face was firmly intact.
Rachel grimaced. "I've had a lot of time lately to do nothing but think. Finn spends most of his spare time at the bar watching games with his buddies. Even when he is at home we never have anything to talk about except the children and finances. "She took another deep breath and then blurted it out, the thing that had been eating at her inside for several years now but she had never before dared give voice to "I should have never married him. I sacrificed my dreams, my ambitions, a…" she took another deep breath, "a possible future with you, all for him. It is my biggest regret."
Jesse smiled grimly. It was cold consolation hearing her say that now. He ran his fingers absentmindedly through his curls, then said with a sigh "I cannot understand how your parents, your true friends let things happen the way they did. But then again you were so in love with your fantasy of being Finn's girlfriend, Finn's wife, you probably couldn't be stopped. I'm truly sorry life hasn't turned out the way you thought. Above all else, I wanted you to succeed. I was certain you would, you had the immense talent, the drive, the passion. But you made your choice Rachel. You can't go back in time and fix it. If that were possible I would go back and fix my mistake. The egging would never have happened. My leaving McKinley and transferring back to Carmel, none of that would have happened. Then again, who's to say that you wouldn't have returned to being Finn's girlfriend when I left for college in LA? In any case the point is moot, we can't change reality."
Jesse took a sip of his wine and gazed pensively at Rachel's bowed head. Rachel had fallen in love with a fantasy Finn, while he had fallen in love with a Rachel that could have been. The woman before him was not the girl he'd fallen in love with. She was just somebody he used to know.