Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is not mine. :P

The Grant Series

You're Not Alone

-

"You've got to remember

You're not alone in this world

Always remember

You're not alone in this world

-

The moment that I looked at you

I recognized the killing truth

You really think there's no way out

But if you let me,

I can help you now..."

-

"You're Not Alone" by Amy Grant

"...You don't know what to do. You care for them so much, you're willing to follow in their shadow, even if that means they don't even acknowledge you. You give up everything without a second thought; you feel helpless whenever they cry..."

Hisoka turned, his breath becoming rapid. He knew what was coming. He knew...

Tsuzuki was in front of him, smiling softly. New. Tsuzuki lifted a hand and cupped Hisoka's cheek. "Hisoka..." That beautiful voice, full of happiness. Rare. Cherished.

"Tsuzuki..." What was going to happen this time? Could they finally...

"I'll finally be rid of you." That same sound, with relief mixed inside. "Thank goodness." And he stood straight, turning away.

"Tsuzuki," he called, trying to catch Tsuzuki one last time. He felt the tears in his eyes, heard a soft chuckle from far away. The slight burn of his scars was ignored. "Tsuzuki, wait." His fault?

A part of him fought. Tsuzuki would never say that. Too kind. He was too kind.

"Tsuzuki," he called. "I'll leave. I'll leave. I won't bother you again, if you just come back!"

But Tsuzuki didn't hesitate. He never did. If anything, Hisoka's voice made him hurry faster into the flames.

"Tsuzuki, the others. Think of them!" It was like he was coherent, coherent yet living in this one moment. He had lived in this moment for months.

Tsuzuki passed from eyesight, lost within the smoke.

"Tsuzuki!" Whether Tsuzuki wanted to die or not, he wouldn't let him. Even if Tsuzuki never wanted to see him again, Hisoka wouldn't let Tsuzuki die!

He leaped towards the flames, Feeling Tsuzuki fade.

"Tsuzuki!" he screamed. "Tsuzuki, come back! Come back to Tatsumi and the others!" Even if you're not coming back to me...

He coughed, inhaling too much smoke. "Tsuzuki-" He had to stop; his breathing was becoming labored. "Tsuzuki..." His eyes watering, he tried to see beyond the smoke that surrounded him. Tsuzuki was almost gone. He could Feel it. Tsuzuki would die again. Another eternally lost chance.

"Tsu..." He took a blind step forward. Not this time. Please, please, not this time, too! Not because of him! "Tsuzuki..."

He stumbled, unable to hold himself up. Too much smoke inhalation? Shouldn't he be waking up?

Was it... real? Could what was happening be real? Could Tsuzuki...?

"No." He struggled to stay on his feet. To stay up. "No. Not this time." He wouldn't let Tsuzuki go.

A small, pathetic spark, like a zygote or embryo. "No." The tears were expected, ignored. Unnoticed. Not again. This pain inside him, this tearing and burning in his chest. He was losing the one person he loved again... and the smoke, the feel of his energy fading, made it too real. Was it real?

"Tsu... Tsuzu...ki..."

"Now, now, You can't die yet, my little doll." That voice, that damn voice. The bastard who had tried to kill him and Tsuzuki. The rat bastard. Muraki.

"Muraki," he hissed. Muraki had become a normal voice in this nightmare, this Hell of his. Muraki, who had known where they'd been. It was only a matter of time.

If they killed Muraki, would the nightmares disappear?

He Felt Tsuzuki die.

"Tsuzuki!" he cried, turning back to where Tsuzuki had disappeared. Not again! Please, God, not again! "TSUZUKI!!!"

"You still have a part to play, boy." Hisoka screamed, a cry of anguish and fury. He had no breath...

Hisoka shot up from his bed gasping for air. He clutched at his throat, feeling a burn that couldn't have been there. It was hard for him to breathe.

He looked around. No smoke. He didn't sense or smell any gas. Why was his throat so painful? What was the matter?

He carefully worked it, wincing when he sighed. What had happened? The smoke that had felt so real... had he let it freak him out so much that he'd messed up his throat on his own? He had heard that such a thing was done, though it was rare and only done when a person was extremely traumatized. The dream was traumatizing, but he'd seen it a lot these past four months.

He sighed and let his head fall forward, this time not acknowledging the pain with even a wince. Four months. Four months since that last battle with Muraki. One month since he'd found out he loved Tsuzuki and consequently found out that Muraki knew where he and Tsuzuki were, along with Hisoka's nightmares. Hisoka feared Muraki could see much more – where he slept, how he got into the Judgment Bureau, his dinners (and long desserts) with Tsuzuki. Could he hear Hisoka's thoughts? See what he was doing right this minute?

A quick glance at his watch on his dresser told him it was three in the morning. Four hours again. On the dot. That had been happening for the past week and a half. Like four hours was suddenly his limit.

He missed those days in the hospital, recovering from Amara's attack on him. Amara, a young girl who'd been beaten to death by her mother, had stayed alive through her feelings alone for centuries, trying to save her brother from his own repeated tragedy. Because of Hisoka's gift, Hisoka had been targeted. As a result, his immortal soul had almost died. He'd gotten a full week of solid rest. It had been a blessed time.

But immediately after being sedated off his ass, he'd awoken, and the nightmares had returned.

He'd managed, in the past few weeks, to assure the newly informed Tsuzuki that the nightmares had stopped. It had been rough work, but he had gained a new power over the nightmare. He didn't speak. He didn't sit up. He didn't do anything but flinch awake. Simple enough to hide. The hours awake were much harder. He'd had to skip out of working on his kendo a bit. He had needed to learn the art of being absolutely exhausted and horizontal on a bed with his eyes closed and not falling asleep. That had taken some wretched practice in his room, but at least now Tsuzuki didn't have that god-awful guilty look whenever he found Hisoka awake or saw Hisoka's shinai, or wooden practice sword.

Alone in his room that night, he decided to get up. He couldn't leave; Tsuzuki had caught him leaving early once. He'd had to make up a story about being worried about the soul in the last case they'd had.

He was disturbed. This was different. Way different. Something else he had to worry about now? Not only was he fighting a fear that centered around everything that was important to him, he had to worry about hurting himself while suffering through the damn things. Dammit.

What was he to do? He was back to that exhausted point, the point at which he would be practically useless to Tsuzuki.

Those dreams. They were getting worse instead of better. Worse. Ever since the end of that assignment...

One month. Each day for one month, the dream changed fractionally. Oh, Tsuzuki always died in the Serpent's fire, always left Hisoka alone screaming for him, but it was different. This time, Tsuzuki had touched him. It wasn't the first time Tsuzuki insinuated that it was Hisoka's fault he was committing suicide, but it was the first time Hisoka had seen that smile, that fully relieved, happy smile. The smile that was so rarely seen on Tsuzuki's face. True joy.

Hisoka closed his eyes, trying to shake out the thought, the image. Why had he fallen in love? And with Tsuzuki, for that matter? Was he insane? Was he stupid? To love someone like Tsuzuki...

He shook his head. No. No thinking about this. Tsuzuki was his closest friend, the man he cared about more than anyone else. Thinking this way was a danger. He could lose Tsuzuki – either to another partner or Muraki. He wouldn't risk it. He wasn't that foolish, at least. He wouldn't lose Tsuzuki. Not to anyone.

He left his room at dawn to practice. His voice, after hissing and working with it for a few hours, was practically all better. He could only thank his lucky stars that he had his Shinigami ability to heal. It was all that was saving him lately.

Tsuzuki. Why was he so... so... so damn unforgettable? Tsuzuki was his friend. Friend. Nothing more.

How many times had he told himself that in the past month?

He sighed, this time without pain. "No. No, dammit. This is enough."

Enough. It had to be enough.

He Felt Tsuzuki's presence coming toward him. It wasn't emotions anymore as much as it was... just his presence. He grimaced at the thought.

"Hey, Hisoka. Up again?"

There it was, that concern and vague suspicion. He wanted to bang his head against the wall. "I'm not going to stop training." He turned to face Tsuzuki in time to see him frown at Hisoka's words. Tsuzuki blamed himself for everything as it was. Hisoka's dreams only made that a thousand times worse. Hence the enormous secrets.

Hisoka put his shinai down and faced Tsuzuki completely. "What's wrong?" He could Feel worry and preoccupation. He waited for Tsuzuki to get to it.

"We have a meeting with Konoe," Tsuzuki told him finally, eying Hisoka's shinai. Apparently Tsuzuki looked at the shinai as an excuse to be up early – a sign of his nightmares. Hisoka almost snorted at the thought. Too bad Tsuzuki was exactly right... but he had the other reason to fall back on.

"What about?" Because Tsuzuki obviously knew already. Hisoka wondered suddenly why Konoe had gone to Tsuzuki. Everyone thought of him as the number one slacker, kept in check by Hisoka. Though Tsuzuki was his superior, Hisoka was considered the one to go to about this sort of thing. Any sort of thing.

"He... he told me that I... I have a solo mission."

Lying out his ass. And there was no way there would be a solo mission. Shinigamis had to have partners. It was a rule, one that was never broken.

"Bullshit," Hisoka replied. "What did he really tell you?"

Tsuzuki hesitated again. "It's Muraki," he said finally.

Hisoka's breath caught. Just the name of that bastard had his fury growing. "Muraki?" he asked. Had Muraki managed to get inside thanks to him? Impossible. It had to be.

Didn't it?

"Yeah," Tsuzuki confirmed. Hisoka Felt his worry growing. Tsuzuki hadn't wanted him to know.

"Let's go see Konoe." Hisoka grabbed up his shinai.

Tsuzuki stopped him. "Hisoka," Tsuzuki began, then hesitated again. Hisoka could guess what Tsuzuki was going to say. He beat his partner to the punch.

"I'm going with you, Tsuzuki. There's no way I'm leaving you to face him alone."

Tsuzuki hesitated again. If Hisoka could read minds, he'd probably be reading that damn concern again. Tsuzuki didn't want Hisoka in danger. But that was just it – Hisoka didn't want Tsuzuki in danger, either. So, he thought, they would just have to face it down together.

"All right," Tsuzuki agreed resignedly. "Let's go."

Apparently Tsuzuki had decided that it was too dangerous for Hisoka to actually work as his partner. It angered Hisoka. They'd been working together for a long time, and though he'd gotten into his share of scrapes, so had Tsuzuki. They'd helped each other out. Dammit, he'd become a Shinigami, just like Tsuzuki. He had signed up for danger, for exactly this reason.

He couldn't help but worry about Tsuzuki, though, despite knowing that Tsuzuki was able to take care of himself. Was it because of those few times when Tsuzuki had lost that damn fake smile and shown how lonely he was – just like Hisoka? Whatever it was, Hisoka knew now that Tsuzuki wasn't just some lazy idiot with a lot of power. He was vulnerable, too. It was what had warmed his heart toward a man who had fooled even him, with his ability to read emotions.

He dropped off his shinai with Tsuzuki watching him closely, then changed. They were at Konoe's office within five minutes.

"Ah, there you two are." Konoe was sitting behind his desk, with Tatsumi standing right beside him. Tatsumi was his usual stoic, condescending self, but his concern was strong enough for Hisoka to get a small reading. "You're late."

"Ah, sorry about that, Chief," Tsuzuki said with a laugh, scratching his head. It was a typical Tsuzuki fake-out move. Like hell Hisoka was going to let Tsuzuki take all the blame.

"It was partly my fault, sir," Hisoka said. Tsuzuki looked at him with his eyebrows raised. "I was in the middle of practice." He didn't have to elaborate; everyone knew he was practicing his kendo with a new fervor. Tsuzuki opened his mouth to argue with Hisoka, but Hisoka's glare made him silence himself.

"Very well, Kurosaki," Tatsumi said, fixing his glasses higher up on his nose. "I'm sure Tsuzuki told you about this mission having to do with Muraki."

"Yes." He was tense.

"He has started a new experiment."

"What?" Tsuzuki asked.

"That we don't know," Konoe put in. "But he's obviously targeting you. He leaves a letter with every... body. They all say, 'find my Shinigamis.'"

Tsuzuki tensed beside Hisoka. Hisoka knew Tsuzuki was thinking about who'd been killed. More people that Muraki was piling at Tsuzuki's feet. Hisoka elbowed his partner slightly. They would talk after they left Konoe's office.

"The victims are all female Caucasians," Tatsumi put in then, watching Tsuzuki carefully. "They were identified by the DNA in the blood sent to the families. There's nothing else left."

"In other words," Hisoka mused, "they could have just been disappearances. He wants us to come."

"Exactly," Konoe spat. "Muraki wants you to come to him. That's why I'm sending Tatsumi with you."

Both Hisoka and Tsuzuki stared at their superiors in shock. Tatsumi was coming with them? Since when?

Well, Hisoka mused, at least this time the hotel will be nice. Tatsumi was only thrifty with everyone else. If he was involved, everything was top-class.

"Yay! Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki threw himself forward and glomped Tatsumi, who fumbled a hug to keep Tsuzuki on his feet.

"Tsuzuki, calm down." Tatsumi's harsh voice was warmed by the smile that lit his features. Hisoka hated the harsh feeling of jealousy that shot through him. Maybe it was because of his ability, but Tsuzuki never even thought to touch Hisoka that way. He hated how his jealousy made him curt.

"What do we know?"

Konoe nodded to him, turning so that he wasn't looking at Tsuzuki at all. "As stated earlier, the only bit of the victim found is the blood, placed in simple Ziploc bags and left on the family of the victim's front porch." A nasty thing to find in the morning. "They were all lost during the night. And there's absolutely no trace of them. Muraki appeared at the last scene holding a red rose." Hisoka wrinkled his nose. Yes, Muraki would bring a crimson rose. He had an affinity for them.

"It's obviously a trap." Tatsumi entered the conversation again, having successfully escaped Tsuzuki's arms. Hisoka burned in anger. Jealousy, he decided, was an emotion he could live without. "That is why I will accompany you. We cannot afford to lose Muraki again."

Hisoka's eyes flickered to Tsuzuki. Knowing the elder Shinigami, he would blame himself for being unable to kill Muraki with the Serpent. And for letting Muraki get away when Hisoka had been teetering between life and death – permanent death. He wanted to do something, say something. But he couldn't open up in front of Tatsumi and Konoe, despite the fact that they were friends. He could only do it for Tsuzuki, in front of Tsuzuki. No one else.

"Where?" Hisoka asked.

"Milan. A small town on the East coast." Tatsumi fixed his glasses again. "At least, that was the last girl. One was from Tokyo, another..." Tatsumi stared intently at Hisoka. "Another's blood was left on your grave, Kurosaki." Hisoka's eyes widened. He froze. He found Tsuzuki suddenly by his side.

Caucasians? All the victims were... Caucasians... but he only knew one...

"Her name was Serendipity Channery."

Serendipity? The girl who had been by his side for a few months, on a high school trip. The one who had shown him emotions... the one who had betrayed him. He'd never seen or heard from her after that last night. She'd disappeared from his life. She'd said she would come back, but she never did. What had she been doing at his grave? Had Muraki looked for her and stolen her from her home? Had he... had Muraki hunted her down, somehow knowing that Serendipity had been...

He heard raised voices around him, then noticed Tsuzuki's hands hovering over him. He was kneeling on the floor in Konoe's office. Shit. Shit! He squeezed his eyes shut. This couldn't be happening. Serendipity had betrayed him and left him alone to bear those years of anguish alone. He'd had no one when he'd thought he would have at least one person. Alone. He'd died alone because of her betrayal.

So why had she been at his grave? Why had Muraki gotten her involved? How the hell had she gotten involved? He wouldn't have searched for her in America just to torture him, would he?

Why the hell not? he thought, and moaned. He was hurting. His heart hurt.

"Hisoka? Hisoka, are you all right?"

Tsuzuki's voice, with that concerned tone. It was only then that he realized he was crying.

He shot up and turned away, unbalancing Tsuzuki, who had crouched beside him. Without a word, he transported himself to his bathroom. He washed his face mechanically, then leaned on the sink.

His grave. Her blood had been found at his grave. Why? He squeezed his eyes. Why? Why would it be there? Why would Muraki... how could Muraki have known that she...

He took three deep breaths and prepared to face his actions.

Tsuzuki opened the bathroom door behind him.

Hisoka turned to him, trying to hide what he was feeling. A bit late, he thought sardonically.

"Hisoka," Tsuzuki murmured. He came to stand beside Hisoka. "You knew her." A statement, not a question. Hisoka didn't see fit to answer. Tsuzuki sighed. "Hisoka... who was she?"

That was something he certainly didn't feel like diving into. "No one." But the questions churned inside him. If she was nothing, why was he mourning? Why was he so sad?

Had her blood been left there as a joke, some sort of cruel prop from Muraki? Or... had she been in Japan?

Why would she be in Japan now?

"You're lying to me again, Hisoka." Tsuzuki looked sad about that. "Tell me."

He hated that damn tone in his voice. He wanted to beat Tsuzuki's sorrow to death. Or wherever. "It's nothing."

Tsuzuki... growled. "Hisoka..." he warned.

"Nothing," Hisoka repeated firmly. "We need to get back to Konoe."

Tsuzuki's fists clenched, but he nodded and followed Hisoka back to Konoe's office.

It wasn't easy to apologize for leaving, or to effectively evade the questions, but manage he did. Konoe seemed to be a bit disturbed by his reaction and shared a look with Tatsumi. Tatsumi nodded.

It was when they had checked into the hotel – a disturbingly well-kept motel – that Tatsumi pounced. "Kurosaki, we need to know the importance of this girl."

Hisoka grimaced. "She's someone I knew once. When I was alive. But she left a long time ago."

"Left?" Of course it was Tsuzuki who caught the important part.

Hisoka nodded. "It's nothing."

Now it was Tsuzuki and Tatsumi who shared a look.

Hisoka gritted his teeth.

Finally Tatsumi sighed and turned away. "The first thing we need to do is find out more about these women and what Muraki wants with them."

"He may not want anything," Tsuzuki said quietly, his eyes on Hisoka. "He may just want to get our attention again."

"To get to you," Tatsumi agreed. "Whether you like it or not, Tsuzuki, I'm here to protect you from that fate. So no..."

"So no trying to dump out on us. Got it?" Hisoka turned to him. "This is him killing, not you. Don't you dare take blame for any of this."

Tsuzuki's face twisted into surprise, but then he smiled. "Thank you, Hisoka."

Hisoka harrumphed and went back to unpacking. "You better remember."

"Yes, sir!" Tsuzuki did an exaggerated salute.

"But the question arises as to why Muraki killed someone related specifically to Kurosaki. Was it to lure him out instead?" Tatsumi mused.

"Or," Hisoka pointed out logically, "he knew how much it would anger me, how I would fight to find out why. It could be insurance, to make sure Tsuzuki comes. Because I would."

He felt that shared-look occurring behind his back. He almost snarled.

"Yes, that could be it. Or he could have found it poetic, that what he had planned included someone close to you. It could be just a part of the game, just another kill, but one he knew would have a personal meaning."

Yes, Hisoka thought. Muraki would like that. But he would had to have found out about his relationship with Serendipity. How?