Title: Never the Same Again
Author: Farah
Rating: PG 13
Summery: Xander and Willow fight, that's when Xander realizes they can never have their friendship back. Not the way it used to be anyway.
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and co.
Distribution: Want it? Yay! Just let me know first.
Notes: This event happened during Consequences right after Faith tried to strangle Xander. Xander and Willow are looking for Faith.
This probably goes with our Missing Scenes Series.
Thanks to Mera for the fast beta and to Irene for the few tips in grammar.
……..
Never the Same Again
Xander walked glumly after Willow towards Faith's haunts, looking for the brunet slayer.
"I knew she was nothing but trouble," Willow said crossly. "The moment she came into our lives, things have gone from bad to worse."
Xander listened quietly to Willow bitch about Faith. He knew his best friend was jealous of the brunet slayer, what with Buffy preferring to spend more time with another slayer like her than dear old Willow. Well, it was only fair to let Willow continue to bitch for all the times she listened to him bitch about Angel.
"And now we have to find her and 'help' her! After all she did! Not enough that she had come between us, whenever I wanted to spend time with Buffy she comes with her 'oooh I'm a slayer too, I'm cooler to hang out with' and Buffy leaves with her! I mean what if I wanted to talk about important stuff? What if …"
"You could've come to me, you know?" he interrupted.
Willow blinked. She was lost in her rambling to catch what he said. She looked at him confused. "Huh?"
"If you wanted to talk about important stuff, you could've just come to me," he answered calmly.
"Oh, uh … Xander …"
"Yeah I get it," he cut her off again. This time coldly. "Talking to me is out, huh? Yeah, you have to get things back on track with Oz which makes hanging out with Xander a big 'no', right?"
Willow's brows furred in a grimace. "That's not what I wanted to say and things 'are' right between me and Oz."
"Then why are you still shutting me out, Will?" Xander yelled furiously. He was so hurt he wanted to let it out. All of it. For the past few months he wasn't alright. He wasn't alright at all.
"I never shut you out!" Willow snapped taken aback. "It's just that some stuff are not meant to be said to a boy, there are girl talks between me and Buffy!"
"You've always talked to me, Willow! You didn't have a girl pal before. It was just me and Jesse. You used to talk to me about everything!"
"Yes, I did! But not everything everything! I keep some of my girly secrets away from you and just write them in my dairy. Now I'm too old to have a dairy and there's no need for it because I have Buffy … but since Faith came to our lives, Buffy just forgot I existed!" Willow yelled back bitterly.
"You could have talked to me about that!"
"Well, if you weren't out there sleeping with her I might have …"
"Oh … oh so I'm at fault now! Everything is my fault! I'm the one who has to suffer for everything! It was me who forced you to kiss me, right? That's why you're forgiven and I wasn't," he snapped resentfully.
"Is that what this is all about? You're jealous coz Oz forgave me and Cordelia didn't forgive you?" Willow asked angrily. "Xander, I thought you're happy for me."
Xander sighed. "I am, Will," he spoke softly. Willow didn't look convinced. "I just hate how things have turned out for me."
Willow appeared angry. "Well, maybe it's your taste in girls."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"All these girls … they weren't right for you! They have all been using you, if you knew who to pick, you wouldn't have ended up this way!"
"Oh, you mean, someone like you? Yeah, coz you were so different from all of them," he uttered sarcastically.
"I wasn't using you!" Willow yelled irritably, looking a bit shocked.
Xander scoffed. "Yeah, right, you weren't."
"What?" she whispered stunned.
"Oh I dunno, all these years playing the 'I love Xander' card, then you got your chance, a kissie here, a kissie there … but then you chose Oz and not just that … you started avoiding me … as if I was this big disgusting thing, now tell me that has nothing to do with using me?"
Willow stood there looking dazed. Her eyes slowly went glassy and her expression became wounded. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. Is that what you think of me?" her voice held a broken tone and suddenly Xander realized what he had said.
"Willow …"
"Shut up," she hissed. "You meant more to me than anything. I loved you so much. Do know how hard it was for me? Listening to you moaning about those other girls and not noticing me?"
Xander looked ashamed. "Willow, I'm …"
"Now, I know I did the right thing when I chose Oz," she let out evenly. She fixed her icy eyes on Xander's guilty ones.
Xander closed his mouth and stared at her unhappily.
The redhead sniffed looking around. "Faith is not here. We better go back." With that she started running towards the high school, leaving behind a very miserable Xander.
……….
Xander headed silently home. Buffy had found Faith at the docks and convinced her to come back. Big yays for everyone. But Xander wasn't happy. It wasn't because of what happened tonight between him and Faith. Well, not entirely. The majority of it wasn't that she tried to strangle him or the fact that she hadn't apologize for it afterwards. It had been his fight with Willow that had upset him the most.
He stood in front of his house, staring blankly at the windows. Two shadows; one of a man and another of a woman could be made out from behind the curtains, clearly arguing heatedly. He let out a suffering sigh and walked around the house. No for using the door tonight either. He was not in the mood to be yelled at for getting in the middle of the fighting match.
He stood right under his room's window and began climbing the drainpipe until he reached the window. He pushed at the glass, thanking God that he hadn't lock it like the last time.
Stumbling inside the room, he fell down on his basketball basket. Ouch! His ribs hurt like hell. He glared at the basket, remembering that it fell off the wall yesterday and he was supposed to put it back up this morning. But Giles had called for an important meeting and he didn't have the time.
He looked around his room. Man, it was full of crap! He really should tidy it a little … well, now wasn't the right time. Possibly there would never be a right time, because he never did and would never do it. Right now though he just wanted to lie down and wallow. He stood up feeling the itching pain in his rib. Clearly the era would be all purple in the morning.
"Shut up you bitch! I know what it …"
Xander jumped at the yell. His father was upset about something, and he was yelling too loudly.
" … if you were man enough to …"
Like always, the screams reached Xander's room easily. Normally, he would open the stereo to block the yelling from reaching his ears. But too bad the stereo wasn't working for a week now, and he still didn't take it to the technician to be fixed. He sighed; guess tonight he was doomed to listen to his parents fight while he tried to sleep.
Strange that it didn't bother him much this week. That was probably because of all the sex thoughts he was having. Sex thoughts with Faith. He clinched his teeth and kicked the bed. He was an idiot! How could he ever think that he and Faith had a connection!
The way she laughed at his naivety earlier tonight, mocking him.
He groaned and threw himself at his bed, covering his ears so he wouldn't hear the ridicule chuckles in his head. Her chuckles. He was nothing but a play toy, a slayer's play toy, again! Memories of Buffy using him in the Bronze to make her honey jealous flashed in his mind.
All of them! That what they all wanted! To have their boy toy whenever they desired.
"You whore, leave that TV or I'll …!"
Xander's hands pressed harder on his ears. It wasn't fair that he had to hear that every single night! Maybe he should ask Willow if she knew a spell to make his room soundproof.
Willow.
What a jerk he was! Why did he say that to her? Now he completely lost her. It was ripping his heart to pieces, everything that happened!
For the first time in his life, he felt alone. So alone. He had always had someone he could go to. After his father lost his job and his family started to lose the real meaning of the word 'family', he had Willow and Jesse by his side. Willow had always been by his side, was always the warmth he needed when he felt cold. He knew she had a crush on him, knew that she was the perfect one for him, but unfortunately he didn't like her back. Not that way anyway. Because yes, he loved her, as a friend.
Sometimes he thought he saw her as more than just a friend, but he would block that away as fast as the thoughts appeared. Starting these things with Willow would mean risking everything they had. What if it didn't work? He could lose her. He could lose the person who looked out for him all these years, the only person who gave him the attention he needed.
That was the reason why he hated Oz the first time he knew about him and Willow. The attention Willow always gave him had lessened. Most of it was given to Oz, and Xander was jealous. But he eventually learned to cope. Besides, he had Cordelia, even though she wasn't a good replacement for Willow. She lacked Willow's warmth, which was why Xander still ran to Willow when he needed that tenderness.
In the Homecoming night, she looked beautiful. That was the first time in his life to see her wearing a dress like that. It was like seeing her for the first time. She had always been Willow; the little girl he used to play with. At that too short moment she was Willow the woman. They kissed and it was sweet, it was wonderful, they had the whole chemistry thing between them. It was so amazing they kept doing it every time they had the chance. In Willow he found love, tenderness and affection. She had things his life lacked, he longed for, things Cordelia couldn't give him.
Guilt was the reason they had returned to Cordelia and Oz. The reason why Willow let him go and went for Oz, at least that what Xander thought. But it turned out that Willow liked Oz more.
They all wanted the same thing, Buffy, Ampata, Cordelia, Faith and even Willow. Buffy didn't want him at all. She acted like it once just to get Angel jealous. Ampata acted like she loved him, but when her life came to the risk she was willing to take his life and save her own. Cordelia only liked his kisses in the beginning, he wouldn't deny that she started to like him as time passed, but she didn't forgive him the way Oz forgave Willow. It felt like she had second thoughts, like it was good riddance. Faith obviously wanted an easy fuck. And Willow … well, she got what she wanted, and now that she was through, she went for the best. Oz.
That was a harsh thought. But wasn't it the truth? He remembered what Willow said to him earlier, how hurt she looked, how broken and shocked she had sounded.
The yelling downstairs was getting really aggravating. He should be used to it by now. He had gotten used to it by now that it never bothered him much anymore. Why was it that annoying tonight? Why was it that frustrating that his lip had started to quiver? He didn't cry. He never cried. He might have had tears in his eyes, rarely too. But he didn't cry, because what was the point in it? Would it change what was happening? Why did he have the urge to cry now?
Maybe because things outside his home weren't going well too. Buffy was more busy with Faith and Angel these days that she didn't have enough time for Willow! If she didn't have enough time for Willow, why would she have enough time for Xander? He and Cordelia were completely messed up. He wasn't that close with Giles. Oz didn't seem to trust him or want his company anymore.
And now Willow was angry with him.
He was harsh on her. She didn't deserve what he said. He was so frustrated that he lashed on Willow. But was it worth it? Was what he had said worth ruining his friendship with Willow? Of course not! Should he apologize?
He …
"Give me that bear, woman!"
"Why don't you go and get it yourself!"
Xander screamed aggravated, he took the pillow and put it over his head, grabbing on it tightly. No, he wouldn't apologize! He said what he felt! He said the truth! She was complaining about him sleeping with Faith when she had her chance to be with him but she chose Oz! He could have sex with whoever he wanted! Besides, their friendship was ruined the moment Cordelia and Oz had found them kissing in the factory.
He threw the pillow away and just sat on the bed. Drawing his knees up, he hugged his legs and gazed blankly ahead, ignoring the loud voices from downstairs.
The harsh truth was right in front of him. Even if he apologized, even if she apologized, things would never be the same between them. Well, guess what? He was right all along. Hooking up with Willow did ruin their friendship.
His heart twisted painfully.
From now on he must forget about exchanging lunches, eating each other's food, drinking from each other's cokes, the midnight phone calls, Willow tutoring him, the childhood jokes, the special smiles they had for each other…
All that was gone. And even if some of that would still be there, it would never be the way it used to. No matter how Xander wanted for it all to be back.
He bit his lower lip. Everything between him and Willow was the best thing that ever happened in his short life, and he didn't want to lose it!
He released a shuddered sigh. He had to accept that he had lost it, no matter how much he wanted it. He had lost what he had with Willow. He had lost his Willow.
"She will never be mine again," he murmured brokenly.
Although it was pointless, Xander let the tears slip this time.
The End