"Inner Conflict"
By: Eliyora
[Your will... is no longer your own!
Hunt the down and destroy the, my soulless slave!
Hurry! here he comes!
Sprx! Nova! Run! I don't want to hurt you!
I can't hold him!
MAGNO BALL BLASER!]
Antauri shot awake. Taking deep, shivering breaths, he calmed himself. He'd had that nightmare so often since Mandarin's intrusion of the Super Robot. It barely took any time to calm himself down after it anymore, though he wasn't surprised he still had the nightmare now, even so deep into the war. He wished he could stop them, but that night, Mandarin had attacked him in a way that he potentially would never truly recover from.
Sighing, Antauri realized he was not going to get back to sleep. He decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. Moving quietly, so as not to wake his team, he left the Robot and made his way to the bridge. Watching the stars was always soothing.
[Your will... is no longer your own!]
Antauri shook his head to clear his thoughts. That voice followed him everywhere now, constantly echoing in his mind. It was forever pulling him back to that day, when he'd been forced to attack his friends. Sighing again, he raised his eyes to the stars over his head. He fully believed in confronting your fears, but this was one fear he simply couldn't gain a firm hold of. It wasn't even the loss of control that truly bothered him. It was what had nearly resulted because of it.
Had it not been for Sprx and Nova, he could have killed his team.
A tear made its way down his face. That, the thought of losing any of them, was his true greatest fear. Even worse was the knowledge that he'd nearly done it himself. Mandarin had surely been aware of that. He was afraid of losing control because of the silver monkey's power. It could easily kill. Once again, he silently thanked Sprx for stopping him.
"And if he hadn't stopped you? What then, my brother?"
Antauri started at the sound of Mandarin's voice. He turned around sharply, but he was alone on the bridge.
"Would you have seen the color of their blood, staining your ghostly claws?"
Antauri looked around carefully, and cast out his senses, but there was no one else there besides him.
"What would you have done, if you had seen Chiro's lifeless corpse? His eyes staring blankly back at you, empty of not only the Power Primate, but his very soul?"
Frowning, Antauri assumed the lotus position. It was happening again. Every so often, he would hear Mandarin's voice, taunting him, torturing him with what he feared most. It was becoming less frequent, but it hadn't stopped by any means.
"What would you have done then, brother?" Mandarin asked.
"I don't know what I'd have done," Antauri thought. "To lose any of them, I don't know if I could handle that."
"There's nothing you could have done. You'd have been the one who killed them. You wouldn't even have the right to mourn them," Mandarin taunted.
"I was under your control. I couldn't..." Antauri began.
"Oh, but is that the truth? You were able to stop yourself from attacking Nova again after Sprx shot you, were you not?"
"The silver monkey had been weakened. I was able to exert my control over it again," Antauri argued.
Mandarin laughed. "Your excuses are feeble, Antauri, just as your will is. A part of you reveled in the chance to hurt them."
"That is not true!" Antauri snapped. "They are my dear friends, my family! I would never even wish harm on them, let alone harm them myself!"
"And yet you attacked them without mercy at the call of the witch's magic. You told Valina that no magic can control the Power Primate, and I agree. It was your will that was so easily dominated, aided by the part of you that WOULD wish them harm, the parts of you that hates them."
"That part of me does not exist!" Antauri argued back.
"There is no one without darkness in them," Mandarin sneered.
Antauri could not argue this, for he knew it to be true. What if the rest of it was true too? What if some part of him had wanted to do as Mandarin willed?
"Perhaps you should admit it to yourself, then. You did not take back control because you did not want to."
Antauri's eyes snapped open. Mandarin's voice had changed into his own.
"There is a part of you that was happy to do such a thing. That part of you was thrilled to have its chance," he voice said. Antauri closed his eyes again, focusing on his internal conflict.
"I in no way, shape, or form want to see my teammates harmed!" Antauri argued.
"Really?" his voice responded. "Why is that?"
"Because I love them with all my heart!" Antauri replied. "I couldn't bear losing them."
"Is that really why? Is your reason really so compassionate?" his voice sneered.
"Yes, it is!" Antauri answered.
"Then look me in the eye and tell me it's true," his voice challenged. Antauri opened his mind's eye, and saw the very picture of the silver monkey standing before him, sneering down at him, eyes blank. He looked at himself, and realized he was in his black body.
"What is this?" Antauri demanded.
"Why, yourself of course. You, and you," the silver monkey replied. "You didn't think you could avoid me forever, did you?"
Antauri frowned. "I've avoided nothing."
The silver monkey laughed. "You're pathetic. Acting so high and mighty, like you're so much better than everyone. Always have to put on that brave face, can't let the others see when you're scared. Gee, I wonder how they'd like it if they knew how truly afraid you are of me?" it said mockingly.
"I doubt it would affect their view of me," Antauri shot back, though unsteadily.
"Oh, but you do. You know that it would change their opinions of you. They'd know how badly Mandarin's little attack affected you, wouldn't they? They'd know that you've spent all of your time since running, as much as you're able, from the memory," the silver monkey said.
"That's not true," Antauri said fearfully.
"They'd know that somewhere, deep inside, there was a part of you that enjoyed it," the silver monkey pressed, moving closer to Antauri.
"Stop it!" Antauri begged, covering his ears.
"'Stop it'? Is that all you can say?" the silver monkey mocked. "Oh, but of course it is. You know I'm telling the truth. You can't lie to yourself, after all." It grabbed Antauri by the throat, lifting him off the ground. "Then why don't you just say it, huh? Just admit it. Say what it was that really scared you the most that night. Say why it is you can't truly face that day. Tell me!"
Tears started streaming down Antauri's face, but he remained silent.
The silver monkey tightened its grip. "I guess I win then. You can't defeat me if you continue to run from me. That means I win."
"... you..."
The silver monkey froze. "What did you say?" it demanded.
"It... was... you..." Antauri managed.
The hand that held his throat began to disappear. Antauri dropped to the ground. He looked the silver monkey in the eyes and said, "You are what scared me most. That I couldn't control you, that you took so much joy in attacking everyone I care about."
The silver monkey began to dissolve, from the feet up. Still it sneered, "So, there is something you're able to face after all. You're still afraid, though. You continue to run from that which is my core. Your deepest fear. Your most selfish fear. The fear you are most ashamed of." As it said this, its body stopped dissolving, leaving the chest up just floating there.
Tears flowed from Antauri's eyes faster. his silence caused the silver monkey to begin reforming. "I knew it. You can't deal with it. You can't face your own fears."
"What scared me most..." Antauri started, causing what had reformed to fall apart again.
The silver monkey glared. "If you think you can conquer me, then say it. Just see if you can finish me."
Antauri stood, not bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes. "What I was most afraid of... was that... at the end of the day... I'd be the last one left. That I would... be..."
The dissolving began again. "Finish it!" the silver monkey yelled.
"... alone..." Antauri whispered. "What I fear most... is being alone."
The silver monkey smiled. "And you have finally admitted it to yourself. That is the first step in dealing with your fear." Antauri looked at the silver monkey again, as it continued to dissolve. "You should talk to someone about it next. A deep-rooted fear such as that cannot be handled alone. Let them help you for once. Allow them to see your vulnerabilities. Don't be afraid to show them your other face." And it disappeared.
Antauri opened his physical eyes in time to see the sun rising. He had spent the entire night fighting his fears, but he was glad he had. It was past time he had done so. Maybe his other self was right. It was time to talk to someone else, time to begin healing.
Antauri looked at the rising sun and smiled.