Did I ever tell you how you saved me, Castle? I'm not talking about that stupid tally list you kept, I mean mentally.
I was drowning, Castle, when we first met. The water was rushing up, the tendrils of a riptide curling around my ankles, threatening me as I flailed helpless, unprepared. And the worst thing is that I didn't even know it. I couldn't see it in myself, Castle, how close I was to going under.
Even if I had I never would have admitted it, especially not to you. Not then. Montgomery saw it though, that's why he let you hang around for so long. In retrospect it's why I did too.
I should have told you, Rick, before now. I should have spun you the tale of how you reached in and gripped my wrists, yanking me up toward dry land even when I battled you, unknowing, unseeing of how you were helping. But I didn't. Even after all these years together I didn't and I am sorry, I am so sorry that I never said it and I am even more sorry that I couldn't do the same for you.
I tried to tell you in ever other way I knew how and part of me thinks you knew anyway because you're you and you know me... Knew me. God, Castle.
You always saw me as larger than life, so strong up there on that pedistal you placed me on but I'm not. I never have been. I am tired and I'm broken and I tried. I swear to God I tried. I failed you, Rick. There I said it, I failed you.
But I won't fail you again because this time I'm not going to go under. You won't let me. You will be there to keep me afloat. Always.