A/N - As I reached the end of Twist the Knife, I began to feel more and more melancholy... The characters of Shepard and Kaidan from Turn the Tables and Twist the Knife had become old friends, and I knew I would miss them terribly, no matter how much I was committed to finishing their story. It was a feeling that I knew from reaching the end of Turn the Tables, but having Twist the Knife on deck helped alleviate it. Add that to the fact that during my most recent playthrough of the series (my first complete trilogy play since I created the AU world of TTT and TTK), I viewed ME1 through the eyes of these characters, and found that there were a few things I wanted to change. So this 'story' was born in a bout of writer's block during TTK Priority: Earth - London. It's more a collection of vignettes than a true story. It's centered around the conversations between Shepard and Kaidan in ME1, and framed within the development of my own version's relationship... if that makes sense. I'm sticking fairly close to canon, especially at first, but there will be tweaks toward the end. And while all but the last chapter will be safe for anyone to read, it will culminate (haha see what I did there?) with the love scene and thus, be rated M.
In preparation for the story, I created a detailed timeline/backstory for Shepard, and you can see that if you're interested on my blog at arinskye dot wordpress dot com
All credit for characters, story, setting, and most of the dialog contained within belongs to Bioware.
Once Shepard dismissed everyone from the debrief and spent a frustrating two minutes arguing with the Council over the importance of her latest recruit, she started her tour on Deck 3. The habit of speaking to each of her senior staff - and as disparate and alien as her crew had become, that's how she thought of them - was deeply entrenched. She had begun it during her first command, and although at the time, she had been operating on instinct more than design, it had been extremely successful and she didn't have any intention of messing with a good thing.
She knew herself well and didn't question the reason she had started. She had been raised aboard ships and truthfully had been a rather lonely child. Her mother frequently hadn't had time for her - Shepard didn't begrudge her, she knew her mother's duties came first - and her father had been a distant connection that she saw only on important occasions or on the once a year family shore leave. There weren't a lot of other kids around, so the crews of the ships and stations she moved to as her mother's posting changed became her closest companions. It wasn't rare at all for a young Shepard to be watching the navigator in the CIC or sitting near the firing range, and she was lucky enough that most of the Alliance personnel on those ships were patient and kind with her.
By the time she got to Officer Training School on Arcturus Station and her drill instructors began to lecture against familiarity between an officer and her subordinates, the warnings fell on deaf ears. Shepard knew the value of that familiarity - and since then her ideas had proven successful time and time again. She wasn't about to change now.
But because she was always honest with herself, she could also admit that starting her rounds in the cargo hold was to give her time to prepare for her conversation with Kaidan Alenko. She wouldn't avoid him - she was, in fact, looking forward to getting to know him better - but that was also the problem. She was anticipating their conversation a little too much. Since her instructors had been equally clear when delivering their messages against fraternization - and that had been one she had heard and always followed - she wasn't sure how to keep the lines between her and her chief of marine detail from getting blurred, but she knew she had to try.
She had been very impressed with Alenko's skills during their mission Eden Prime - and extremely grateful that he had been there to haul her ass back to the Normandy after what she was mentally calling the 'Beacon incident'. She didn't kid herself that taking him on the mission to Therum had been just a professional decision, though. Watching him in combat thrilled her on several levels, and the fact that their biotics teamed together so well was only one benefit to having him on her squad. She knew she would likely be calling on him again when they reached Noveria.
Given the amount of purely female interest he sparked in her and the way she had nearly crossed the line from polite to more during their conversations in and outside the med-bay, she needed to get a handle on this before it interfered with their mission. Judging by his slip when they were exploring the Citadel, she knew her interest was returned, but the responsibility fell to her as the superior officer. She needed to nip this in the bud.
All of her preparation and good intentions flew out the window once she returned to Deck 2 and approached him. He looked up from the console that he was studying and smiled in welcome when he saw her. His whiskey colored eyes watched her walk closer and mirrored the welcome - and held more. She was doomed.
"Commander, do you have a minute?" he asked when she was close enough to hear him.
"I always make time for my officers," she replied. She hoped that the simple truth disguised the less than bland tone she'd managed to share it in. He didn't seem to notice and she relaxed a bit, letting her posture loosen, but resisted the urge to lean on the console next to him - barely.
"Off the record, I think there's something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council? Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it," Kaidan said, his brow furrowed.
"The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong," Shepard replied, happy to turn her mind to the galactic situation. "I'd call it human nature, but…"
"I hear ya," he replied with a soft chuckle. "I – it just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming. It's funny. We finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers."
Before she could even stop herself, she spoke the next thing that came to her head - in a tone much less than business-like.
"Well, well, you're a romantic. Did you sign on for 'the dream,' Alenko? Secure man's future in space?"
"Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves," he seemed to realize what he had said - implied - and blushed softly. "Or, you know. For justice," he corrected himself. "Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.' I'm not looking for 'the dream.' I just want to do some good. See what's out here." He paused a moment and his posture stiffened a bit. "Sorry if I get too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus in BAaT."
She waved off his concern with a smile. Recognizing that she was totally screwed, but figuring that she'd deal with it later, she decided to pursue the conversation. She was truly interested in his story. She hadn't spoken with with many other human biotics - there were so few of them. And since her experience had been drastically different from his - although her abilities had made themselves known in early childhood, as was typical, her mother had read the Alliance reports on L2 implants and had resisted having Shepard's put in until she was 16 and the L3 was available - she was curious to hear how those differences had shaped him.
"Tell me about it," she said with an encouraging smile.
"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was 'Brain Camp'," he winced a bit and then corrected himself. "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.' There are worse results of 'accidental' exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."
"Is there some question about how you were exposed?" she asked in concern.
"My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins," he explained. "It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals. Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero."
Shepard gave a low whistle and wondered how she didn't know any of this. His story made the ostracizing and stigma she had often suffered once her abilities made themselves known seem insignificant, though they had wounded her at the time.
"You know of any intentional exposures for certain?" she asked carefully.
"No one 'knows'," Kaidan replied with a shake of his head. "Doesn't mean they didn't happen. As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals." He paused a moment and seemed lost in his memories. "It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold. I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene."
She nodded and decided to move on. Nothing they would say could change wrongs suffered in the past.
"'Jump Zero' is Gagarin Station, right?" she asked for confirmation. "What's it like?"
"Yeah, that's the official name," he confirmed with a smile. "Biggest and farthest facility we had for decades. Right on the termination shock, the outer edge of the solar system. It's where they did all the 'goose chase' FTL research. Before we caught on to using mass effect fields. The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids. It was as sterile research platform when I was there."
"There were other kids in the same boat, right?" she asked earnestly, as if she could change the story retroactively. She wanted to provide comfort, make it better for him. "At least you weren't alone out there."
"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out," he said, and a smile indicated that she had succeeded in evoking better memories. "We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks."
"Then you must have had plenty of time to get to know each other... or more," she said with a smirk.
"Yeah. We'd sit around and bull every night after dinner. Play cards or network games. But we kept our clothes on. I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly, anyway," he muttered almost as an afterthought. He seemed to realize what he'd said and rushed on. "There was this girl named Rahna who had a little circle grow up around her… She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you, I guess. Ma'am."
Shepard felt the warmth of his words - and the blush they caused - wash over her and she allowed herself a few seconds to be just a woman basking in the praise of a man who interested her. Then the implication of what he had said struck her and she felt a twinge of something close to jealousy. It surprised her so much she barely kept her tone even.
"Sounds like she was special to you," she said, trying not to make it an accusation.
"She was," he confirmed and her heart sank a bit. "Maybe she felt the same, but… Things never fell together. Training. You know," he trailed off a bit and then came back to himself again. "Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago."
"I wanted to get to know you a little better, that's all," she said, trying to steel herself back into the resolve he was showing. "Thanks for the talk, Kaidan."
"Well, you're welcome. Ma'am," he added the honorific almost as reminder - to both of them - she was sure. "You make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"
"No," she replied slowly, realizing it not for the first time herself. "No, I don't. We'll talk again later."
"I'll, uh – I'll need some time to process that, Commander," he said, stiff and formal, but then he relented a bit and smiled softly, ruining the effect. "But yeah, I'd like that."
She turned and walked away slowly, and resisted the urge to look back at him and smile. Barely. She had a lot to process as well.