The Brain Eating Teddy Bear
DEDICATION: Kaytee, you helped me release my inner brain eating teddy bear. Thanks!
NOTES: Well, Jessica and Frances wanted to be mentioned. Well, I was chatting with them at the time and they thought it was funny...
[The manor. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe are sitting in the sun room. God forbid they should be normal and have a living room.]
PHOEBE:
I was thinking of putting out-
PIPER:
Don't you already?
PHOEBE:
Let me finish! I was saying, I was thinking of putting out a CD.
PRUE:
Must you always bring shame to this family?
PHOEBE:
Probably... if I understood what you meant, I would probably have a better answer.
PIPER:
That's the story of your lfie.
[Leo orbs in and knocks over a lamp.]
PIPER:
That lamp was NEW!
PRUE:
No it wasn't...
PIPER:
Shhhhhh! I'm trying to make him feel bad!
LEO:
I can hear you, you know. It's not like you're whispering.
PRUE:
Why don't you go get knocked unconscious. You're good at that.
LEO:
I just have weak ankles!
[Crickets chirp as everyone stares at Leo.]
PIPER:
Anyway, why are you here?
LEO:
There's...danger!
[Prue yawns and more crickets chirp.]
LEO:
For God sakes, get out of the house!
[Everyone sits there.]
PHOEBE:
You do know we never listen to you, right?
LEO:
Fine! But when the teddy bear eats your brain, you're going to be sorry!
[Leo orbs out.]
PRUE:
Geez, what got his panties all in a wad?
PIPER:
Who knows? Leo's also got a wad in his pants... wait... I mean... uh...
PHOEBE:
What do you think he meant by the teddy bear eating our brains?
[Prue takes a drag from her cigarette.]
PIPER:
Where'd you get that?
[Prue shrugs and puts it out.]
PHOEBE (whispering):
Let me be your hero.
PRUE:
What?
PHOEBE:
I...uh...I said, so, how about that brain eating teddy bear that is slowly creeping onto Piper's head?
PIPER:
WHAT???
[Piper races around the room, with the evil teddy bear hanging on to her back. Prue puts her cigarette in her mouth.]
PIPER:
Where'd you get that?
[Prue shrugs and rips the teddy bear from Piper's abck and throws it at Phoebe. It begins suckign out her brains.]
PHOEBE:
Why don't I feel anything?
[The teddy bear gets a confused look and opens Phoebe's head. It's empty. A lone tumbleweed tumbles by and exits through her left ear. The teddy bear shuts her head. Prue and Piper laugh at it.]
PRUE:
You obviously haven't done your research.
PIPER:
Phoebe is just here to state the obvious. [does an impression of Phoebe] There's a demon in the attic! Oh my gosh, that guy is evil!
[Teddy Bear growls because it is incapable of speech.]
PIPER:
I have never met a stupider teddy bear.
[Prue takes her cigarette from her mouth.]
PIPER:
Where did you get that???
[Prue shrugs.]
PHOEBE:
Timmy's fallen down the well!
[Everyone stares at her. The teddy bear turns to Prue and Piper.]
PIPER:
We couldn't tell you even if we weren't about to kill you... wait, that wasn't witty. We always say soemthing witty before we kill things!
PRUE:
Uh...go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!
[Piper mulls it over. The teddy bear crosses his arms and taps his foot.]
PIPER:
No, it doesn't have that in your face Chamred attitude going on.
PHOEBE:
I dunno. I would say we've got more sass than attitude.
PRUE:
Sass? Sass is so '80s. Girl Power is so over. Um... the whole "embracing the word bitch" is over now. Attitude sounds about right.
[The teddy bear growls at them.]
PIPER:
Hey, Mister Panty Wad -
PHOEBE:
Wait, I thought that was Leo.
[Prue crosses her arms and waves her cigarette.]
PIPER:
Where do you get those???
[Prue shrugs.]
PHOEBE:
So, have we decided on attitude?
[Piper and Prue nod. Then they all turn to the teddy bear.]
PIPER:
Wait! We need a witty vanquish!
[The teddy bear sighs and sits on the couch. He picks up Seventeen magazine. He looks at the cover, then the girls, then the cover.]
PRUE:
What are you looking at?
[The teddy bear shakes his head and goes back to the magazine. The phone rings. Phoebe picks up.]
PHOEBE:
Hewo?
PERSON:
Hewo.
PHOEBE:
That is a trademark Phoebe baby voice word!
PERSON:
First I played with Judd, then I played with mommy and now I want to play with you.
PHOEBE:
You have been watching too much Pet Cemetary.
[Phoebe hangs up, but it rings again.]
PHOEBE:
House of beauty, this is cutie.
PERSON:
I'm in the house, do you know where I am?
[Phoebe looks at the teddy bear. He has a really tiny cellphone.]
PHOEBE:
On the couch?
PERSON:
Uh... no.
PHOEBE:
Yes you are. I'm looking right at you!
PERSON:
Um... no you're not.
PHOEBE:
I so am!
[The teddy bear hangs up his phone.]
PERSON:
You are not!
PHOEBE:
You're right. You wanna talk to Prue? She was almost in Scream 3...
[Phoebe hands the phone to Prue.]
PRUE (to Phoebe):
Be a sweetie darling and empty my ash try.
[Phoebe grabs the ash tray and bounces away.]
PRUE (on phone):
Oh yeah? Well you're a *BEEP* *BEEP* and you've got a small *BEEP*! Oh you think? Shut the *BEEP* you *BEEP*! Honestly, if you *BEEP* anymore of those *BEEP* I'm going to shove a *BEEP* up your *BEEP*!
[Prue hangs up the phone and throws it. It hits Phoebe in the head.]
PHOEBE:
I'm pretty sure that hurt...
[The teddy bear sighs.]
PIPER:
Are you still here?
TEDDY BEAR:
Mmmmmmhmmmm.
PRUE:
Well, we need a witty saying or we'll have to do with "Die in fuzzy hell."
[Leo orbs in and screams like a woman, then he jumps in Prue's arms.]
LEO:
Waaah -hey, where'd you get that cigarette?
[Prue shrugs and drops Leo to the floor. Leo clambers to his knees and hides behind Prue. Prue sighs and rolls her eyes.]
PRUE:
God you're sad.
[Leo whimpers in response. The teddy bear gnashes his teeth and Leo shrieks and climbs up on Prue's back and grabs onto her neck.]
PRUE:
Choking Prue! You're choking Prue!
[Leo drops to the floor then orbs out. Everybody looks at Piper.]
PIPER:
I'm cheating on him, don't worry!
PHOEBE:
Me too.
[Everybody looks at Phoebe.]
PHOEBE:
Uh.... go to fuzzy hell!
[Teddy Bear taps his watch. Piper picks him up by his little teddy bear neck.]
PIPER:
You will wait until we have something witty!
[She throws the teddy bear down and Prue puts out her cigarette.]
PRUE:
We've only got one choice.
PHOEBE:
What's that?
PRUE:
We kill him in the closet.
PIPER:
Enlighten the stupid... Phoebe didn't hear.
PRUE:
If we kill him in the closet, no one will see. Then we can pretend that we had the wittiest saying ever.
[The sisters agree and drag the teddy bear in the closet. Muffeled pummeling noises, screams, a chainsaw, and... giggles? Whatever. Anyway, they're heard in the closet.]
PRUE (muffled):
Go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!
[A bang is heard then smoke comes from the crack under the door. The door opens and the sisters come running out, choking and gasping for air.]
PIPER:
Forgot about the demonic vanquish smoke.
PRUE:
At least there was no demonic vanquish fire.
PHOEBE:
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm curiously high.
[Piper and Prue stare at her.]
PHOEBE:
Nobody else? Okay.
[Phoebe goes back into the closet and shuts the door.]
PIPER:
Adopted?
[Prue lights her cigarette then puts the lighter away.]
PIPER:
Where did you get that???
[Prue puts her arm around Piper shoulders and they walk into the kitchen.]
PRUE:
Let me tell you the story of the little smoker that could... he huffed and he puffed, then he died of black lung.
THE END
DEDICATION: Kaytee, you helped me release my inner brain eating teddy bear. Thanks!
NOTES: Well, Jessica and Frances wanted to be mentioned. Well, I was chatting with them at the time and they thought it was funny...
[The manor. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe are sitting in the sun room. God forbid they should be normal and have a living room.]
PHOEBE:
I was thinking of putting out-
PIPER:
Don't you already?
PHOEBE:
Let me finish! I was saying, I was thinking of putting out a CD.
PRUE:
Must you always bring shame to this family?
PHOEBE:
Probably... if I understood what you meant, I would probably have a better answer.
PIPER:
That's the story of your lfie.
[Leo orbs in and knocks over a lamp.]
PIPER:
That lamp was NEW!
PRUE:
No it wasn't...
PIPER:
Shhhhhh! I'm trying to make him feel bad!
LEO:
I can hear you, you know. It's not like you're whispering.
PRUE:
Why don't you go get knocked unconscious. You're good at that.
LEO:
I just have weak ankles!
[Crickets chirp as everyone stares at Leo.]
PIPER:
Anyway, why are you here?
LEO:
There's...danger!
[Prue yawns and more crickets chirp.]
LEO:
For God sakes, get out of the house!
[Everyone sits there.]
PHOEBE:
You do know we never listen to you, right?
LEO:
Fine! But when the teddy bear eats your brain, you're going to be sorry!
[Leo orbs out.]
PRUE:
Geez, what got his panties all in a wad?
PIPER:
Who knows? Leo's also got a wad in his pants... wait... I mean... uh...
PHOEBE:
What do you think he meant by the teddy bear eating our brains?
[Prue takes a drag from her cigarette.]
PIPER:
Where'd you get that?
[Prue shrugs and puts it out.]
PHOEBE (whispering):
Let me be your hero.
PRUE:
What?
PHOEBE:
I...uh...I said, so, how about that brain eating teddy bear that is slowly creeping onto Piper's head?
PIPER:
WHAT???
[Piper races around the room, with the evil teddy bear hanging on to her back. Prue puts her cigarette in her mouth.]
PIPER:
Where'd you get that?
[Prue shrugs and rips the teddy bear from Piper's abck and throws it at Phoebe. It begins suckign out her brains.]
PHOEBE:
Why don't I feel anything?
[The teddy bear gets a confused look and opens Phoebe's head. It's empty. A lone tumbleweed tumbles by and exits through her left ear. The teddy bear shuts her head. Prue and Piper laugh at it.]
PRUE:
You obviously haven't done your research.
PIPER:
Phoebe is just here to state the obvious. [does an impression of Phoebe] There's a demon in the attic! Oh my gosh, that guy is evil!
[Teddy Bear growls because it is incapable of speech.]
PIPER:
I have never met a stupider teddy bear.
[Prue takes her cigarette from her mouth.]
PIPER:
Where did you get that???
[Prue shrugs.]
PHOEBE:
Timmy's fallen down the well!
[Everyone stares at her. The teddy bear turns to Prue and Piper.]
PIPER:
We couldn't tell you even if we weren't about to kill you... wait, that wasn't witty. We always say soemthing witty before we kill things!
PRUE:
Uh...go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!
[Piper mulls it over. The teddy bear crosses his arms and taps his foot.]
PIPER:
No, it doesn't have that in your face Chamred attitude going on.
PHOEBE:
I dunno. I would say we've got more sass than attitude.
PRUE:
Sass? Sass is so '80s. Girl Power is so over. Um... the whole "embracing the word bitch" is over now. Attitude sounds about right.
[The teddy bear growls at them.]
PIPER:
Hey, Mister Panty Wad -
PHOEBE:
Wait, I thought that was Leo.
[Prue crosses her arms and waves her cigarette.]
PIPER:
Where do you get those???
[Prue shrugs.]
PHOEBE:
So, have we decided on attitude?
[Piper and Prue nod. Then they all turn to the teddy bear.]
PIPER:
Wait! We need a witty vanquish!
[The teddy bear sighs and sits on the couch. He picks up Seventeen magazine. He looks at the cover, then the girls, then the cover.]
PRUE:
What are you looking at?
[The teddy bear shakes his head and goes back to the magazine. The phone rings. Phoebe picks up.]
PHOEBE:
Hewo?
PERSON:
Hewo.
PHOEBE:
That is a trademark Phoebe baby voice word!
PERSON:
First I played with Judd, then I played with mommy and now I want to play with you.
PHOEBE:
You have been watching too much Pet Cemetary.
[Phoebe hangs up, but it rings again.]
PHOEBE:
House of beauty, this is cutie.
PERSON:
I'm in the house, do you know where I am?
[Phoebe looks at the teddy bear. He has a really tiny cellphone.]
PHOEBE:
On the couch?
PERSON:
Uh... no.
PHOEBE:
Yes you are. I'm looking right at you!
PERSON:
Um... no you're not.
PHOEBE:
I so am!
[The teddy bear hangs up his phone.]
PERSON:
You are not!
PHOEBE:
You're right. You wanna talk to Prue? She was almost in Scream 3...
[Phoebe hands the phone to Prue.]
PRUE (to Phoebe):
Be a sweetie darling and empty my ash try.
[Phoebe grabs the ash tray and bounces away.]
PRUE (on phone):
Oh yeah? Well you're a *BEEP* *BEEP* and you've got a small *BEEP*! Oh you think? Shut the *BEEP* you *BEEP*! Honestly, if you *BEEP* anymore of those *BEEP* I'm going to shove a *BEEP* up your *BEEP*!
[Prue hangs up the phone and throws it. It hits Phoebe in the head.]
PHOEBE:
I'm pretty sure that hurt...
[The teddy bear sighs.]
PIPER:
Are you still here?
TEDDY BEAR:
Mmmmmmhmmmm.
PRUE:
Well, we need a witty saying or we'll have to do with "Die in fuzzy hell."
[Leo orbs in and screams like a woman, then he jumps in Prue's arms.]
LEO:
Waaah -hey, where'd you get that cigarette?
[Prue shrugs and drops Leo to the floor. Leo clambers to his knees and hides behind Prue. Prue sighs and rolls her eyes.]
PRUE:
God you're sad.
[Leo whimpers in response. The teddy bear gnashes his teeth and Leo shrieks and climbs up on Prue's back and grabs onto her neck.]
PRUE:
Choking Prue! You're choking Prue!
[Leo drops to the floor then orbs out. Everybody looks at Piper.]
PIPER:
I'm cheating on him, don't worry!
PHOEBE:
Me too.
[Everybody looks at Phoebe.]
PHOEBE:
Uh.... go to fuzzy hell!
[Teddy Bear taps his watch. Piper picks him up by his little teddy bear neck.]
PIPER:
You will wait until we have something witty!
[She throws the teddy bear down and Prue puts out her cigarette.]
PRUE:
We've only got one choice.
PHOEBE:
What's that?
PRUE:
We kill him in the closet.
PIPER:
Enlighten the stupid... Phoebe didn't hear.
PRUE:
If we kill him in the closet, no one will see. Then we can pretend that we had the wittiest saying ever.
[The sisters agree and drag the teddy bear in the closet. Muffeled pummeling noises, screams, a chainsaw, and... giggles? Whatever. Anyway, they're heard in the closet.]
PRUE (muffled):
Go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!
[A bang is heard then smoke comes from the crack under the door. The door opens and the sisters come running out, choking and gasping for air.]
PIPER:
Forgot about the demonic vanquish smoke.
PRUE:
At least there was no demonic vanquish fire.
PHOEBE:
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm curiously high.
[Piper and Prue stare at her.]
PHOEBE:
Nobody else? Okay.
[Phoebe goes back into the closet and shuts the door.]
PIPER:
Adopted?
[Prue lights her cigarette then puts the lighter away.]
PIPER:
Where did you get that???
[Prue puts her arm around Piper shoulders and they walk into the kitchen.]
PRUE:
Let me tell you the story of the little smoker that could... he huffed and he puffed, then he died of black lung.
THE END