For you, A gift
Faceted Mind
Kakashi didn't like gifts. It was the main reason he didn't tell anyone when his birthday was anymore. There were a few people who knew, that was unavoidable, but they were on pain of death if they told anyone else. And the ex-ANBU could do pain of death very well.
The look in someone's eye when they gave a gift was always the same, and it was a look he'd seen in far too many bad places. He saw it in his nightmares on a regular basis.
In his fathers pale face as he smiled up at him from the tatami mats, eyes soft and dark and full of love.
"I'm doing this for you." He'd said. "When I'm gone they won't think about me anymore. Your achievements will be your own." That was what disgrace did to a person. It erased them, along with all of their own light and life. Leaving nothing behind, not even friends to remember him.
'For you' he had said. Like a gift; as his blood spilled and the smile faded.
He hadn't realised the relevance until the second time he received such a gift.
'For you' Obito had said, his breath wheezing and his mouth twisted into a pained smile, blood on his lips. Like a gift; as his best friend - who he hated so much in his ease of living and accepting and giving - his best friend silently allowed medical jutsu to take away the pain as Rin performed the transplant. Everyone else had been able to say your Sharingan so much earlier than he had, look him in the eye - the only one he left uncovered - and say it as if it were true. If he admitted it only to himself, it was still Obito's eye and he still couldn't look at himself in the mirror.
He had never felt the kind of weight he did then, as he fell into himself, desperate to escape. He couldn't explain why he pleaded with them on his next birthday to give him nothing. But Konoha's future fourth was a smart man, and he offered Kakashi blessed relief that year; on a long hard mission somewhere far, far away from home.
Rin gifted her life to those she was protecting, taking the shuriken on behalf of the young medical students under her tutelage as they fought to heal the ANBU they had been sent out after. He had never wanted to be separated from her - he'd promised after all, he'd promised he'd protect her. For Obito. But she had skills that she needed to put to use and she wouldn't be restrained, not even by him. Her own gifts were those of healing for the ninja of Konoha. When they had come to him with her forehead protector - she wanted you to have this - he had turned them away at the door. He wasn't going to accept a gift from her. Not a present for having failed. Not that. It was too sour a pill to swallow. He fell into his bed and contemplated being 'the only'. It hurt inside.
When the Yondaime gave his life for his hidden village, Kakashi thought he might break. He had railed in anger against the decision - already long made when he found out - and then gone into hiding. His head in the sand.
When he'd managed to escape himself, he took the first opportunity he could see to pay them back. To make things right. He was going to teach Obito everything he could learn. He was going to show Rin just how much he loved her. He was going to make Konoha's Yellow Flash proud.
He took a place he had been offered more than once with ANBU. He had the skill, the strength, the power and the complete lack of self-preservation. At fifteen, his first captain hadn't given him more than a week. He stayed seven years.
They stopped doing psychological evaluations for ANBU when he'd been there four years because too few people were passing the baselines. His superiors had asked the psychologist in question exactly what they thought they would find. The evaluations had become a challenge as to who could get the worst score. The old boys always won. By old - that covered anyone with more than three years of service with ANBU. By ANBU standards, Kakashi was ancient, but he never felt as young as he did when he took a life in the name of his village.
ANBU was not a loving profession. But it took away the pain. The pay was much better than standard jounin service, but not many ninja lived long enough to spend it. If psych said you were a danger to your team, you got mostly solo missions. If psych said you were a danger to yourself, you got only solo missions. Kakashi got a lot of solo missions, but he always came back. ANBU was not a caring place to be. That was the reason most of the ninja were there.
He left ANBU when the rumour reached him that he was picking up his father's name. Some for the younger ANBU members didn't even know why the nickname 'White Fang' had stuck to the young jounin, his father's memory all but erased by his betrayal, never to be mentioned in public, his legendary tales never to be told to the next generations. It was one of those members - older than Kakashi but still too young to remember the passing of a dishonoured hero - who first called him by the name to his face. It was the first time the ANBU has seen their calm and stoic Copy-nin show anger - and more to the point - show his Sharingan outside of a mission. They said the man would wake up eventually. Kakashi never saw him again.
It wasn't until later - with students of his own - that he found himself in a situation where he couldn't escape his birthday with a mission; and Kakashi already knew it was going to go badly. Sakura's grin was aimed at him, and not at the subject of her long-held affections, and there had been no complaint at his later-than-usual arrival. When Sasuke smiled he nearly ran. They knew that his birthday was today, and without a doubt they wanted to give him something. He didn't need images to go with his nightmares, those eyes, so young and innocent, giving him their everything. 'For you.' Like a gift. He briefly tried to convince himself that he didn't care for these annoying children enough to suffer if they died. It wasn't true, so he gave up and tried not to look at their giving eyes.
"Whatever you have planned, forget it." His voice was harsh, but at the moment his nightmares were flickering across the backs of his eyelids and there wasn't much he could do about it. "I don't want anything from you."
"It's alright, Sensei - Gai-Sensai said you had a phobia of gifts." Sakura reassured. Kakashi blinked. That had been unexpected. "We won't give you anything. But we all learned a new jutsu for you birthday."
"Not that the dobe's actually works yet." Sasuke scoffed quietly.
"Teme." Naruto muttered under his breath, fists clenching, but not moving to make his anger physical. The retort was almost second nature to him. "We thought we could show you how good we are at defending ourselves, Kakashi sensei." Naruto continued aloud, grinning as if it had all been his idea.
"Gai-sensai said it was a good idea." Sakura said, her eyes widening a little when Kakashi made no reply, his face pale and masked face giving nothing away. "He even did his 'nice-guy' pose. Did we do the wrong thing?" Kakashi made himself swallow past the lump in his throat.
"No." He swallowed again, that was far too high-pitched to be acceptable. "No. That was… was very good. Let me see the jutsus." And he watched as his young team proved they were more than capable of defending themselves.
Please - he whispered in the privacy of his own mind - please don't give your life for a cause, don't give up everything for one person, and don't you dare die before me.
Laughing at Naruto's failed jutsu, Kakashi hoped his prayers would be enough. It had to be enough. He didn't have anything else left.