Disclaimer: I do not own any rights whatsoever to the wonderful television franchise Criminal Minds.
Summary: "You're in love with Hotch." She winced when she saw the tear fall from his eyes and down his cheek. She bit her lip and her eyes watered, but no tears fell. She couldn't deny it, because it was the truth yet she wasn't ready for the consequences of what that truth would entail.
Never Enough, Chapter One
Penelope inwardly sighed in a mixture of boredom, hurt, and frustration. She pressed the programmed speed dial on her cell phone for the fourth time within the last hour.
She wiped away a stray tear from her jaw as she automatically received his voice mail for the fourth consecutive time. "Morgan. Leave a name, message, and a number and I'll get back with ya. Ciao."
She hung up for the fourth time without leaving a message. Disappointed that her chocolate confidante had uncharacteristically not answered his phone, she placed the phone down onto the counter top of the bar. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply before slowly exhaling.
"Hey lady, you sure you don't want a drink?" The bartender asked her for the second time after his original question of what would she like.
"Straight coke, please." She finally ordered.
The young bartender glanced at her in barely veiled disbelief.
She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm waiting on someone."
"Lady, not to be rude, but you've been stood up." He said as he fixed her nonalcoholic drink request. "You've called somebody several times within the last hour while you've been here two. He's not showing."
"Thank you." She softly replied as she took a sip of the drink that he placed in front of her while she silently agreed with him, but any other day she would have defended Morgan. However, how is someone guilty of standing you up when they didn't know they were supposed to show? She very much needed to talk to someone and Morgan was the one that she always called first. He always answered his phone when she needed or wanted to talk, so she did not have to need other options, but this time she did as she was obviously not going to be able to talk to him tonight for whatever reason his phone was automatically going to voice mail.
She slowly sipped her drink as she mentally made a list of people she could call. Her brothers were absolutely not the ones to talk to about what she wanted to talk about, anyway they had just recently started to speak again and their relationship was entirely too fragile to speak of things such as she wanted to.
JJ and family were attending a wedding of one of Will's best friends from back in Louisiana.
Reid would rattle off statistics of break ups and scientific reasons how her and Kevin were never compatible while he tried to comfort her, but succeeding on making things worse.
Emily would definitely listen to her and attempt to offer advice, but she would be just as lost and confused as Reid. It had always amazed Penelope that while Emily was drop dead gorgeous, she was so awkward and lost where it came to relationships.
She could call Rossi, but she wasn't comfortable speaking to him about what she needed to talk about. She knew that she could call Aaron and he would be here, but she knew that the topic of the conversation would make them both feel awkward and quite frankly Aaron was the last person she wanted to speak to about what she needed to speak of.
The argument that had occurred at her apartment just short of three hours before kept replaying in Penelope's mind.
She was exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open as she drove home from the Hoover Building. She hadn't seen her apartment for five days and she hadn't slept for six. She knew that she shouldn't complain, because she was spared some of the horrors that the rest of the team was not, among other blessings whether disguised or not. She hadn't had the luxury of having the six hour sleep breaks as the others had, because she had to fill in for the alternative BAU analyst, Colleen who had contracted a nasty case of walking pneumonia.
Penelope knew that she was a technological Goddess, but she and her powers were drained and more than spread to the max the past week. She had her job, half of JJ's, and now all of Colleen's. There was never enough time in the day for what she wanted to accomplish. If only she knew how to clone herself, now that would be perfect.
She parked Esther in her normal parking space, took the keys from the ignition, and grabbed her purse from the passenger seat right before she stepped out. She shut and locked the car door. She walked up the sidewalk toward her complex. She walked through the courtyard where she had been shot three years ago and cringed at the memory and pain. She used to console herself with the fact that if she had not been shot, Kevin would not have filled in for her while she was healing while under investigation, and if Kevin had not, they would have never gotten together. However, it was getting harder and harder to rationalize the reason for her being shot, because her relationship with Kevin was deteriorating and had been for quite some time.
She had always believed that everything happened for a good reason, but the past few years it was getting harder and harder to firmly believe. Why would a man that dedicated his life, sacrificed his family, pioneered the BAU, and practically adopted a very young FBI genius, just walk away with nothing more than a letter as a way to say goodbye? Why would a mother be taken away from her son and ex-husband? Why was that man doomed to suffer the same fate as his predecessors where it concerned his personal life? Why was she shot? Why would a man kill a little girl's father right in front of her? Why would anyone do the things that she saw daily on her screens? Why? Why? Why? She knew the reasons behind most of the questions regardless of if she personally understood or agreed with them, but why did all of those happen? Why?
Even though she had originally thought that the reason she was shot was to meet and fall in love with Kevin, she no longer did. Why get shot and fall in love with a man that after a few years you realize that you never loved him like he always loved you? Of course she cared about him, there was no way for her not to. She was a caring individual, but that caring no longer matched what she felt for him when they first got together. She now understood that what she had felt for him for so long that was disguised as love was really infatuation, respect, and if she were honest with herself, lust. Caring about him would never again be enough for her and it should not be enough for him either. He deserved better and she deserved much better. She wanted out, in all actuality she had wanted out for the past year, but she didn't want to hurt him and she didn't want to be alone.
She cared, no, she loved more people than she loved her boyfriend and that wasn't how it was supposed to be. She loved every member of her team more than she loved Kevin. She cared more about Rossi than she cared about Kevin and that was definitely telling, because out of all of the team, Rossi was the one that she was least close to. She was resigned to the fact that she was stuck with Kevin, but she would leave him just not now especially so close to the holiday season. It was early October and she didn't want him or her to spend the holidays alone. She would break up with him in March a couple of weeks after Valentines Day.
She sighed as the elevator doors opened. She was almost to her bed. She was almost home. She speed her walk up as she walked down her hallway to her door. She unlocked her door and opened it. She stopped just inside the apartment and stared in at first amazement then fury at the person sitting on her couch. He stood with an odd look on his face and started to walk toward her, but stopped once she gave him her sternest glare and closed the door behind her with out breaking eye contact.
"What are you doing here, Kevin?" She asked firmly as she stood clasping the handle of her purse as if it were a life line.
"I wanted to see you." He stated cautiously then added in an questioning tone. "I thought that you would want to see me. We haven't seen or talked to each other for days. I thought that me being here when you got home would be a great surprise, but obviously it isn't as great as I thought it would have been."
"How did you get in? You don't have a key." She asked in realization.
"Eloise let me in." He replied as he referred to her elderly next door neighbor that looked in on her plants while she was out of town with the team which was rare, but because Penelope did not know when she would be needed in the field she had given Eloise a copy of her key which she now regretted. As he continued to speak his tone got accusatory. "She asked me why didn't I just let myself in and I had to lie to her and say that I had lost my key. She wasn't impressed and she let me know that your boyfriend before me never lost his key. She had the gall to ask me what happened to him, because she loved talking and looking at him. She called him a sexy sculpture of chocolate."
She groaned in frustration. "Kevin, we've talked about Derek. There has never been anything more than friendship, flirting, and a lot of teasing. Ms. Eloise is sadly mistaken. Derek was never and will never be my boyfriend."
He interjected mildly. "This is where you tell me that you love me more than him."
"I've never told you that." She declared then asked perplexed. "Why do you want me to now?"
"Exactly." He yelled. "Out of all of our arguments about him, you've never told me that you love me more than him."
"How is that important?" She asked even though she knew that it was important to him.
He declared bordering the line of frustration and anger. "I am your boyfriend not anyone else."
"Of course you are." She replied primly as she walked to her kitchen and grabbed a bottle water from the refrigerator. "No one is saying that you aren't and what do you mean by not anyone else? There is no one else. Would you like something to drink."
"Something? Something to drink?" He sputtered. "What's happened to you Penny?"
"Nothing, Kevin." She sighed before she asked. "What's going on with you?"
"That's funny. I was going to ask you that question? Something is definitely wrong. You've always been sort of distant and I understood that you liked and wanted your own space, but we've been together three years, Penny. You won't move in with me. You won't let me move in here. You won't give me a key to your home and you won't take a key to mine. Do you not care about me anymore?"
"Kevin," She sighed and truthfully replied. "Of course I care about you."
"Marry me, Penelope." He stated firmly. She dropped the bottle of water that she was about to take a sip from. It landed on the kitchen floor with a thud and spilt over her shoes, the bottom of her pant legs, and all over the floor.
"Pardon?" She stated in shock. "What did you just say?"
"Marry me." He slowly enunciated as he took a small dark blue box from the inside of his jacket pocket. "I love you, Penelope Garcia and if you love me, you'll marry me."
"Absolutely not." She replied once she realized that he was serious. "I have nothing to prove to you."
"Absolutely not?" He repeated enraged. "Is the thought of marrying me that distasteful to you? I love you and I thank God everyday since we got together for you. I've always known that you could have someone better than me, but you chose me." He laughed in disbelief at her silence. "I'm not an alpha male. I'm not a lady's man. I'm a nerd. I'd rather be holding a laptop than a gun. I don't like guns. I thought that we had so much in common, but we don't anymore. I'm the man that loves you with his entire being, I'd die for you, but that doesn't matter to you anymore does it? I'm not Morgan or Hotchner."
"Woah!" She exclaimed as she held a hand up in emphasis. "Stop right there. What are you talking about? I understand why you feel threatened by Derek, because there could have been something there, but like you just said, I chose you. I chose you over my best friend that I know that I would have been happy with, but that train has long since past. Don't bring Aaron into this, because he has nothing to do with us."
Kevin flinched as he heard her vocalize that his doubts and concerns about SSA Derek Morgan were valid, but he then realized that she had called SAC Hotchner, Aaron instead of Hotch like she normally did.
Kevin replied softly. "I hit a nerve didn't I?"
"I don't understand what you're talking about." She stated truthfully with a hint of exasperation twinging her tone. "What nerve? The nerve that is pressed every time you start accusing me of cheating on you with Derek regardless of whether or not your accusation is vocalized directly or not?"
"No, I really believe that you haven't cheated on me with Morgan, because if you had, he would have rubbed it in my face that I wasn't man enough for you." Kevin replied, sighed, then confessed. "I've felt very insecure about Morgan from day one and that's my fault. I've been so insecure and paranoid about Morgan that I didn't see the real threat to our relationship."
"Kevin." She yelled in frustration as she slapped her hand on her small kitchen table. "I don't understand where you getting this from. If you want a damn copy of my key then I'll give you one. I can't believe that you not having a key and Derek having one is so important to you. Stop this nonsense."
Kevin sighed as he took a seat at the kitchen table, folded his hands on the table over the small dark blue velvet box, and softly stated. "Penelope, this isn't about Morgan." Penelope took a deep calming breath that didn't work and gingerly took a seat across from him. He continued as he stared at her sadly and almost pityingly. Whether or not he felt pity for himself or her, she was uncertain "Not having a key, a little bit, but this is more about the fact that you shared a hotel room with Hotchner and didn't tell me about it. Ever since,"
Penelope parroted shocked at the implications in his tone. "Shared a what?"
Kevin ignored her interruption. "Ever since you went with the team to Idaho, a couple of weeks ago, you've barely talked to me. You started to distance yourself from me when Mrs. Hotchner was murdered perhaps before then."
"Look, Kevin," She sighed as she placed an elbow on the table top and laid the side of her face into her hand.. "I understand that we have problems and yes I have distanced myself from you and our relationship, but do not bring Aaron or Haley into this, please."
"Penny, you don't see it, do you?" Kevin asked then stated as if in realization. "You don't."
"I don't know what you're talking about, so no obviously I don't." She retorted dryly as she leveled a cool stare toward him.
Kevin softly stated as he stared into her brown eyes. "You're in love with Hotch."
She blinked several times and sputtered indignantly.
Kevin quickly added quietly."At the very least infatuated."
"Kevin." She whispered and placed her hands over his. "Have you been drinking?" She asked seriously then asked just as serious. "Have you suffered a psychotic break? You don't have all of the signs."
"No and no." Kevin replied and chuckled bittersweetly. "Penny. Just listen, I love you. I want to marry you and start a family, but we can't do that without trust and total honesty. A few months ago, I was really pissed when you called and told me that you had to share a hotel room with Morgan. I was really pissed when I found out what you witnessed and what happened in Alaska, but what mainly pissed me off was that Morgan was there for you when I wasn't. When I couldn't."
"Kevin, nothing hap-" She stopped when he interrupted her.
He interjected angrily. "I know that nothing really happened, but the fact remains that you shared a hotel room with him and you told me about it. You were honest about it, but you didn't tell me that you shared one with Hotch." He paused then quickly continued when he saw that she was about to interrupt him. "Look, I know that nothing happened between you and Hotch. Hotch would never cross that line with you no matter how much he and you might want to. He has too much of a moral code. He wouldn't sleep with someone else's woman, but more than anything he wouldn't sleep with one of his subordinates. It would be against his ethical code. It's against protocol."
She asked quietly,"Kevin what brought this on?"
"You're not denying it." He stated flatly.
"Denying what?" She asked confused.
He blinked back tears as he replied,"That you're in love Hotch."
Her comforting grip on his hands stiffened which made him stiffen. She winced when she saw the tear fall from his eyes and down his cheek. She bit her lip and her eyes watered, but no tears fell. She couldn't deny it, because it was the truth yet she wasn't ready for the consequences of what that truth would entail.
She let go of his hands and placed them in her lap under the table. She started to ramble as if to distract both of them from the truth of what he had said. "Look, Kevin, I love Morgan. I love Reid. I love Prentiss. I love JJ, Elle, and even Gideon even though they've left the team. I sort of love Rossi and yes I love Aaron. I love Jack. I loved Hayley. I like Jessica. They're my family. I thought you understood this. We talked about this when you asked me whether or not I would leave the BAU. The BAU is my home. It's my family."
He interjected in a hopeful yet pathetic tone."But I want to be apart of your family. I want to have children. I want you to be the mother of my child. I want you to be my wife."
They both sat unmoving and looking at the other in silence. She broke the silence. "Kevin, I care about you and I am grateful for the love that you've shown me, but I won't be the mother of your children. I can't be your wife. I can't give you more than what I've already. I care about you and I think I might love you, but I know I'm no longer in love with you. You deserve better than this," She took a deep shaky breath and added. "But we can try again if you want to."
"I understand." He stated in a defeated tone then asked. "I know that you haven't cheated on me, but did something happen between you and Hotchner before I came along?"
"Absolutely not, Kevin." She answered immediately. "He was married and is as much in love with Haley as he was when they married."
He stated reluctantly. "He cares about you, you know."
She groaned in irritation. "I don't understand why you're so insistent about this. Nothing happened between me and Aaron."
"Why have you started calling Hotchner, Aaron?"
"Kevin, it doesn't matter whether I call him Aaron, Hotch, or Hotchner."
He firmly retorted."Yes, it does."
"Look, over the years I've alternated between calling Hotch, Aaron and Hotch, like I do with Derek and Morgan, or Emily and Prentiss. There is nothing special about it."
"Yes, Penny, there is. Think about it, how many people does he let call him Aaron?"
"Very few." She replied then added. "Like I was saying I alternated between what I called him, but when Gideon abandoned the team then Haley abandoned her marriage, I stopped calling Hotch, Aaron. I don't know why, but I did."
"Why did you start calling him Aaron again?" He asked almost dreading the answer.
"He asked me to." She shrugged as she replied.
"What? Why? When?" He asked again dreading the answer.
She stood from the table and walked to the kitchen sink and braced her hands on the counter top. She asked with her back toward him."It doesn't matter what I call him. His close friends call him Aaron. I'm honored to be considered one. I don't know why you've gotten on this crusade about what I feel or don't feel about him, but it needs to stop. Like you so astutely said earlier, Aaron wouldn't cross that line for me. It would be against everything he believes in."
He stood up, walked toward her, and stopped a foot away from her. "Why didn't you tell me that you shared a hotel room with him?"
"I don't know." She sighed as she turned from the sink and faced him."I didn't think it would be an issue for us. Aaron didn't realize that I would volunteer to replace JJ," She snorted. "Like I ever could. She deserves some sort of service award for what she did for the team. But anyway, he didn't realize that he hadn't reserved enough rooms. His room was the only one with two beds. Emily offered to share hers, but Rossi pointed out that me and Hotch sharing a room would be the most logical, because there was two beds and that Hotch could fill me in on the aspects of JJ's job that I was unfamiliar with. It made sense. It was a rational choice."
He interjected. "But it wasn't strictly professional."
She looked away from his eyes and looked down to the floor beside him.
He pushed onward with the topic. "Something happened Penny. If you don't admit it to me, you need to admit it to yourself." He stated as he stepped six inches closer to her.
She stated firmly as she refused to make eye contact with him. "Kevin, stop pushing this issue."
He refused. "No. I won't. If I had asked you to marry me before the Reaper murdered Mrs. Hotchner, you would have agreed. Right?"
She retorted angrily and truthfully. "My decision to not marry you has nothing to do with Haley."
He interjected hurt and angered. "But it has everything to do with Hotchner."
She stated in frustration. "No, it doesn't."
"Penny." He softly whispered. "I love you very much, but I can't do this. I won't do this. I've understood, however reluctantly, that Morgan will," He paused when he saw the look on her face. He held a hand up and continued. "Always have a place in your heart. You have a special bond, regardless of whether it's platonic or more, with him that you won't have with anyone else. I would have settled for second place in your heart and I have, but I won't settle for third place especially since neither of the men ahead of me will finish the race. I hope that you figure out what or who you want and I hope that whomever that is will reciprocate if only a little, because unrequited love hurts like a bitch."
She softly apologized. "Kevin, I'm sorry."
"Don't, Penny. Be sorry when you realize that neither one of them will see you as anything as a close friend that they will always care about, but never love. Be sorry when you realize that the only man that will ever love or find you attractive is me. By the time you realize this, I will have already moved on, and I won't take you back. You've made a fool of me for long enough. Goodbye, Penelope Garcia."
She was brought out of her memory by a concerned voice. ". . . your feelings, ma'am. . . cry."
"Pardon?" Penelope looked at the bartender strangely as if he could see her memory plastered across her face.
"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings ma'am. I didn't mean to make you cry."
"Oh." She replied and when she touched her fingertips to her face sure enough her face was wet with silent tears. "It's not your fault. I was just thinking."
"Whoever you're crying over doesn't deserve your tears."
"You're really sweet." She smiled sadly.
"Thank you, but don't let it get out. I have a reputation to maintain." The young bartender replied then winked. She smiled at his attempt to distract her from her problems. The man couldn't be much older than the legal drinking age, but he smoothly stepped into the stereotypical role of a bartender psychologist as if he had done it for a time. After his wink that earned a small chuckle from her, he nonchalantly suggested. "Why don't you try calling 'em again?"
"I'll try, thank you." She replied just before she paid for her drink and walked toward the restrooms. She stepped into the semi-long line and yawned. She knew that she should go back to her apartment and attempt to get a couple of hours sleep, but she was afraid to. She wasn't afraid that Kevin would be there, because he had effectively told her that he was out of her life and she his, but she was afraid that the reality of what had happened and what had been said would manifest in her psyche.
She knew that it had happened and why that it had happened, but she could attempt a small amount of ignorance while she was out and about, because once she was home the self deceptiveness would be harder to accomplish and she was doing a horrible job of accomplishing while she attempted to distracted herself anyway.
As the line slowly moved forward, she sighed while her right thumb swatted a tear from her left eye as she remembered exactly what did happen between her and Aaron not only in Idaho, but after they had returned to Virginia.