A/N: I'm honestly trying to keep this as short as possible. After season three, there was no accident, so Marissa did live, but Sophie Cohen is very much a part of the family. There is no Frank/Julie hookup or baby because… Well, that would just make this relationship awkward. It was written for the OC Fan Fic Challenge once again. The prompt is the quote in italics. Please review if you do read. Thanks in advance.
Ryan Atwood was absolutely miserable. Pointing out the fact that he wasn't happy or even that he was depressed was a major understatement on many levels. He couldn't honestly remember the last time he was remotely happy because it really had been that long. It had been that long since he had held her in his arms while she slept. It had been that long since he had felt her lips against his own. It had been that long since he had told her that he loved her. Hell, it had been that long since he had laid his eyes on her breathtakingly gorgeous body. It had been almost a year by now, and he was miserable.
Staring up at the ceiling of the pool house, he actually considered counting the many tiles that covered it, or the floorboards beneath his feet. He had considered the windows that surrounded him on three sides, but there weren't enough to count so he could waste his time and pass another afternoon. It was December, a week until Christmas Seth had kept reminding him, but he wasn't looking forward to the holiday at all. He wasn't looking forward to anything anymore, he realized that it was an easier way to live. You didn't get let down if you didn't have expectations. You didn't get hurt when people left time and time again if you didn't count on them staying. And after she picked Boston over him… Well, he stopped looking forward to things that weren't going to happen.
That wedding he had always seen, the day when she would become Marissa Atwood? It wasn't going to happen. Well, maybe he had set his hopes too high. So, instead he envisioned graduating with her from the college they had chosen together. But that didn't happen either. He guessed things started to unravel when she told him that she had applied to Boston University as well as Berkley and she had gotten in. She had done her research and there was a great Architectural school right next door, so they could still get that apartment together and live happily ever after. That was before both of them realized that happily ever after was a figure of the imagination, not a state of mind that could truly be reached at any time.
He hadn't wanted to be three thousand miles away from their families, especially considering the fact that Kirsten had been pregnant at the time. Marissa couldn't wait to get away from the box that Newport had become for her. He had wanted to still consider Berkley. She wanted to go see the campus in Boston for the weekend. Eventually, he had given in to her only to save his relationship with her from completely falling apart. He had followed her to the east coast, and they had been happy for the first year they were there. And that was when he brought up New York.
He actually laughed aloud to himself as he thought back to what a disaster that had been. As if they hadn't moved around enough, he had brought up the internship he was offered by an affiliate of NYU. It was the chance of a lifetime, and it would get his name out there before he even had finished his college education. The only problem was he had to attend NYU to take the job. Money wasn't an issue, they had offered him a full ride because they really did recognize his talent, even if he was only a freshman at Boston University. His mistake had come when he told her about it, and immediately, she couldn't believe he wanted to leave. Why did he need to go to a different school? Why wasn't it good enough to be attending Boston? Did he think he was too good for this school? Was he too good for her then too? The list of demands went on and on, all of them with no reply from him. He had already made up his mind, and he was going.
Being three thousand miles away and being three states away was a huge difference, so he hadn't seen the harm in leaving. And seeing her reaction to his considering the offer, he was infuriated. He had moved for her, and now she wasn't only offering to do the same for him, but she was mad at him for wanting to move on. But he was so stubborn then, he thought that leaving may actually have an effect on her. The next morning while she was at her earliest class, he had packed and left, leaving nothing behind except a small note for her. He said that he thought they could use the time apart, maybe they weren't so good for each other. He didn't bother to leave a number, he changed the number to his cell phone, and he left for New York.
Now, it had been almost a year, he had left in March. He hadn't heard from her once, and while it may have seemed impossible for her to get in touch with him, she could've tried if she really wanted to. And on the same hand, he could've called her after he had had time to himself to really think over his decision. But he didn't. He stayed unhappily by himself in the tiny dorm room that was included with his full ride and the roommate who never went a night without bringing a different girl back with him. He was on winter break now, he would be for another three weeks, and even that prospect couldn't make him excited about spending time with the Cohens. Not even Seth/Ryan time that morning or a pep talk from Summer could cheer him up. And he himself was starting to think he had become a lost cause.
A knock on the door to the pool house broke his train of thought and he sat up on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his tousled blonde hair. "It's open." Expecting to see either Seth or Summer again, attempting to get him out of the house, he was surprised to see Kirsten open the door. She gave him a small smile as she stepped inside, trying to balance two year-old Sophie on her hip as she slid her purse onto her opposite shoulder. Immediately, Ryan stood up from the bed, happily taking Sophie from her arms.
Sophie really was his little sister, no matter if they were related by blood or not. He absolutely loved the little girl and had since she was born. With her blonde eyes and startling blue eyes, she resembled him a lot as well, making it harder to discern the fact that they were not biologically brother and sister. "Wyan" had been her second word, which had delighted Ryan, and she had always wanted him when she was upset, not either of her parents or Seth. She was just another reason that made leaving Newport behind so hard.
He looked back up to Kirsten as she spoke breathlessly, obviously in a hurry before she even stated that. "I'm sorry to just drop her on you like this, but I really have to go. Sandy's at the office right now, and Seth and Summer went Chrismukkah shopping. They should be back soon, but I forgot that I promised Julie I would meet her right now. So, do you mind watching Soph for a little while?"
Ryan shook his head, offering a small half smile in response. "No, it's not a problem. It's not like I have anything better to do anyways…"
Kirsten gave him a sad smile as she heard what he said, her heart breaking for Ryan. None of them were oblivious to how hard the past year had been on him, it only took one glance to realize that he was falling apart inside. But he never wanted help or even moral support, which made it even harder to see him like this.
She bit her bottom lip just slightly as she looked back over at him, hesitating a minute before talking. The last thing she wanted to do was upset him. "You still haven't talked to her?" He just shook his head in response, busying himself with tickling Sophie instead, eliciting a small giggle from her. Kirsten smiled to herself as she watched their interaction, forgetting her question for the minute. It was good to see him happy once again, even if it was just for the moment with Sophie. But she knew that there was only one way he would truly be himself again. With that in mind, she decided to try again. "I know that you really miss her, Ryan… I'm sure that she has forgiven you by now, if you've forgiven her for not agreeing to you leaving…"
Ryan's confusion was obvious as he looked back up at her, forgetting about his little sister in his arms. "What do you mean, Kirsten?"
She shook her head, giving him a small smile as she sighed inwardly. It was one thing to ask questions, it was completely different to give him advice when he didn't ask, and she knew that. "Never mind. I should really get going. You're okay with Sophie?" Receiving a nod from him, she turned back around to leave the confines of the pool house, and she was once again surprised by his behavior. The Ryan that she had always known, the Ryan that she welcomed into her home begrudgingly wouldn't just let it go like that. He would've sat her down and made her explain to him just what she meant by her statement. And his nonchalance about the matter made her worry. She stopped in the doorway, hesitating a minute before she turned back around to face him. Seeing that he was once again preoccupied with Sophie, she cleared her throat, but still didn't get a reaction. "Ryan?" Hearing his name, he spun back around to face her and she bit her bottom lip just slightly once again. "You know… You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."
Ryan looked back up at her, completely confused. He didn't know if the way she had said it or how brutally honest she had been was more shocking, and he didn't have a clue as to how he should answer. "What?"
Her face grew warm as she gave him that same sheepish smile again, shrugging her shoulders just slightly. "I guess I've been reading too much Winnie the Pooh lately… But that bear may have a good point. You may not be in the Hundred Acre Woods, but you are definitely hiding right now, and I'm not sure if it's yourself or her anymore."
He shook his head quickly as he sat down on the edge of the bed, resting Sophie his lap. "I'm not hiding, I'm giving her some space. If she missed me so much, she would've called. Or tried to call at least. So unless you've been having these same conversations with her, I don't think it's very fair of you."
Kirsten sighed to herself, nodding in response. She didn't know why she had thought her small intervention would make a difference, but now she really did feel defeated. She gave him another small smile as she paused in the doorway. "You're right, both of you could afford to make the first move right now. It's just easier to talk to you. But, still. It couldn't hurt to just call her." With that, she left the pool house, easing the door closed behind her and leaving him alone with his thoughts.
She was right, he realized after a moment. In fact, it would even make sense for him to call her first. He had been the one to leave, hadn't he? And deep down, he knew that he had forgiven her, if he even really did need to forgive her. So, it would make sense to call, wouldn't it? No, he thought after a minute. He wasn't going to call her, not now. He would wait until after the holidays, and then he would consider it again. Besides, she was probably busy with her own family, Kaitlyn used to come up to see her for Christmas since neither of them really talked to their estranged father anymore. And Julie Cooper was the last person anyone would want to spend the holidays with. No, it would be better to wait until after the holidays.
But then… Well, the thought of her and Kaitlyn alone, all on their own for Christmas wasn't exactly reassuring either. Maybe just one phone call wouldn't hurt… He could just wish her a Merry Christmas, let her know that he had forgiven her in a less obvious way. Yeah, that could actually work. Setting Sophie down on the bed and handing her the teddy bear she had left in the pool house the day before, he kept his eye on her as he grabbed his cell phone from the table next to his bed. Sitting back down and resting the small child in his lap, he stared at his phone for a long while as if it might be able to give him advice on the situation before going into his phone book and finding that familiar number with the same label: Riss.
He didn't hesitate when he dialed or when he brought the phone up to his ear, but he could feel his heart beat faster after that first ring. The phone on the other end rang a second time and his palm felt clammy. In fact, he was sure he was going to drop the phone before she ever answered. A third ring, and his breath caught in his throat as her melodic voice floated into his ear… But it wasn't what he had wanted at all. It was only her answering machine.
"Hey, this is Marissa. I'm not here right now, but…" Maybe it was the fact that he had gone a whole year without talking to her, or maybe it was because he really did intend on getting in touch with her. Maybe he just wanted to prove that he had actually called her, but for some reason unknown to him, he stayed on the line, listening to the recording as if it were meant just for him.
"…If you're calling about the apartment, I actually already sold it…" What was she talking about? That was their apartment, their first home that they had bought together. Now she was selling it? Well, she was selling it if she even still lived there now. That thought left Ryan feeling sick to his stomach, his head spinning with this new revelation. Even if he had moved on and moved away from her, he had counted on her staying in the same place. He thought that she would still be the same, waiting for him. But now… What if she had a boyfriend? What if she was engaged? Could she be married now? No, he thought after a minute of pure panic. He would've known if Marissa Cooper had gotten married, that was a give in.
"… If it's Tuesday night, I'm probably at the library…" Checking his watch, he realized that it was 5 o'clock, and even though it was Tuesday, odds are she wasn't at the library. Could she be on a date? "… If you're selling anything, you're just wasting your time on me…" He smiled to himself as he heard this, knowing that she had always been pleasant with telemarketers even if they drove her crazy. He wondered if she still complained to anyone who would listen after she got off the phone with one of them. "… If you're anyone else, wait for the tone. It's the 21st century, you know what to do…" And that was his cue. That was when he hung up and pretended like he had never made the call in the first place. But then her voice returned, much softer than before. And nothing prepared him for what she said next.
"… But… If this is New York… I'm sorry… And I still do love you." With that, the telltale beeping sounded and then he was left with complete silence on the other end, a sound he never truly heard… or didn't hear for that matter. His cell phone lay on the bed a couple of inches away as he stared intently at it. He was New York, he had to be, and now he knew. He felt like his life had changed, that that one tiny phone call had forever made him different. Because Marissa Cooper still loved him. And that changed everything.
Marissa called her apartment on Thursday night to check her messages and was surprised to find dead silence on the other line during the fourth message. Just when she thought that no one was going to say anything at all, a tiny voice that she recognized filled the silence. "Wyan…" was the only word on there before someone hung up, and she knew who it was. It didn't matter if it had been a year, she remembered that little girl like she had seen her yesterday, and nothing could change that.
Of all the times Ryan Atwood could call her, it would have to be the two weeks when she wasn't home. Kaitlyn had been planning on coming for Christmas just like every other year, but the week before she was supposed to arrive, she had called Marissa with a new, different idea. She asked what she thought about going to visit their grandparents, Jimmy's parents, at their home in San Diego, and Marisa had agreed. They hadn't seen them since they were much younger, and it would be good to spend the holidays with other family. Besides, it would be her first Christmas in almost five years without Ryan, and a change would be a really good thing. So, they had called their grandmother who was absolutely thrilled to see them again, packed their things, and taken a flight out to San Diego for the next two weeks. And of course, that was when Ryan decided to come back into her life.
It was another week, it was the following Monday, Christmas Eve, when he had called again. At least, that was what her answering machine had told her. Instead of letting herself enjoy the holiday, her thoughts had been occupied with him and the mysterious phone call. She had caller I.D., and it wasn't very often that a number would flash across the screen that she didn't recognize. That message was also the first of its kind, meaning he hadn't called her before then. At least, she didn't think it was a possibility. She had been checking her answering machine every day now religiously, but she had been busy with family things all day so far. With helping with dinner, and then having dinner, opening gifts, and, not to mention, being dragged along to church, she hadn't had time to herself to make the call. When her grandparents were finally sitting down to watch White Christmas with Kaitlyn, a Christmas Eve tradition, she excused herself from the room to make that long-awaited call.
Settling onto the twin bed she had been sleeping on in the room she was sharing with Kaitlyn, she eagerly pulled her phone into her lap and dialed the number to her apartment. Like every other time, she had to listen to her own voice first, and she felt nauseous as she did. Did she have to include that about the apartment? It seemed like a good idea at the time, having sold it right before she left for two weeks. But now, it seemed to mean that she was only trying to forget about him. But that last part, the part that she always had on there, that had to give him a clue. And it made her completely embarrassed to know that he had heard that, every word of that.
Thankfully, the recording finally ended, and the robotic voice told her that she had six new messages. That was good, that meant she had a one in six chance of having gotten a message from Ryan. The first message turned out to be a call from a guy in her building, one that had always completely freaked her out. He was calling to make sure she wasn't alone for the holidays, and she deleted it before he could even finish what he was saying. The second message was her mother, calling with the customary "Happy Holidays" phone call that came every year, usually at a time when her mother knew neither she nor Kaitlyn would be there to answer the phone. But it was the third message that she had been waiting for, the one that started with complete silence.
She had saved his last message and listened to it a total of 22 times in the past four days. She had caught onto the fact that you could hear his steady breathing before Sophie spoke, the way you could barely make out the tiny girl's babbling until she finally spoke to him, the way he pressed another button before finding the right one to end the call. And she intended to analyze this message in the same way, but it was his turn to surprise her. That silence she had waited four days to hear again only lasted a few seconds before his deep voice reached her ear.
"I… I don't really know why I'm doing this… But… I … umm… Well, my cell number… it's 298-8326 now… I just thought you might want to know… Bye." That was it, 16 seconds in length, barely a coherent thought, but it was meant for her. She listened to it another eight times before Kaitlyn came to check on her and she knew that she had to leave it alone to return to the movie, but she had already memorized that number. If he had taken the time to call her once again and leave her number, even after all of this time it had to mean something, right?
She could only think that it meant that he still loved her, that he still had feelings for her. And it was a thought that gave her chills and butterflies in her stomach, both feelings she didn't want to go away. And as she sat there, listening to Rosemary Clooney singing about counting your blessings, she vowed to herself that this was one of those little "blessings" she wasn't going to ignore. She was going to do something about it, before she went back to Boston.
Ryan was usually a calm person, but when a week passed since he had given her his cell phone number and still he hadn't heard anything, he started to worry. It had been almost two weeks since he had decided to call her, a week since he had left her his number, and there were only two hours left in the year. Yeah, this was some great way to spend New Year's Eve. If you truly spent it the way you spent your year, he was destined to spend the next 365 days worrying relentlessly over her. But, then again, how was that so much different than this past year that he had spent mourning the loss of her presence?
The Cohens were hosting an elaborate party a little less than ten feet away from where he was sitting on his bed, watching Sophie's sleeping form, but he could care less. Kirsten and Sandy had made several attempts to get him out of the pool house before giving him babysitting duty, and even Seth had tried to convince him to celebrate for at least the evening. She would come around, she would call back eventually, probably after the holidays when she had the time. It wasn't until Summer actually dragged him out by his collar that he greeted all the other Newport families who were there before retreating back to the pool house to put Sophie to bed for the evening.
Now, he was watching some movie marathon on TV, one that he could only guess was supposed to be the worst films of the year, on mute so Sophie wouldn't wake up. Kirsten seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to the baby, and if she even made the smallest sound, he knew that she would be there in a minute. Which would mean another battle over whether or not he should really be in the pool house alone all night. She would assure him that the baby monitor would work just fine and that it was a rare occurrence for her to not sleep through the night anymore. So, subtitles would do just fine for the time being.
He was in the middle of what had to be the 15th movie they were showing that night, and the clock read 11:45 when his cell phone rang. It actually startled him, causing him to jump on the bed, and the sudden noise make Sophie wake up as well. Before he could answer the phone, she was crying as she rubbed her tired little eyes and he had no choice but to try to comfort her. A quick glance at the screen made his heart fall as he realized he didn't recognize the number and he would have to keep wishing and hoping for that one call. But whoever this was, they weren't giving up. By the time Sophie was sniffling in his lap, not wanting to go back to sleep, his cell phone was going on its eighth ring, and whoever it was wasn't planning on hanging up.
He maneuvered around the tiny girl in his lap to grab his phone, flipping it open as he turned the TV off all the way. "Hello?" he answered after a moment's delay to hand Sophie the teddy bear she had discarded to the other side of the bed while she had been asleep. He quickly became agitated when he was met with quiet, this person already having woken Sophie up. "Is anyone here?"
It was another moment before the soft voice on the other end spoke, and he actually felt like he had to catch his breath for a minute. "Hi, Ryan… This is Marissa…" Marissa. She actually had called. She had gotten his message, she had called him back, so maybe he really was New York, just like he had been so sure of only a couple of days before. "I wanted to let you know…"
"No." He cut her off, surprising even himself, as he set Sophie back down on the bed, beginning to pace the floor right in front of the bed. It wasn't every day anymore that he spoke to Marissa Cooper, and he was going to do it right. "The last time you did all the talking. You told me what you wanted, you told me not to go, and I didn't say anything. I left you… And I've regretted that everyday since then. When I finally called you a couple of weeks ago, hearing the recording on your machine, it was one of the best days I've had in a long time. Because I miss you, I really do miss you… God, let's be honest here: I'm a complete mess without you here. And I only wish that it hadn't taken me this long to figure that out."
He paused only to look back at Sophie, finding that she was still fast asleep. He took a deep breath, making sure that he could hear her soft breathing still there before starting again. "I know that I'm New York because… Well, to my knowledge, you don't know anyone else there. And now, I know that you still love me. But now you need to know something. I was stupid to leave you like that, it was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I was mad at you for not letting me go, but I never should've gone to that extreme. And to know that you still felt that way about me, it said a hell of a lot. So, I thought that I owed you at least this much. Because I still love you too, Marissa."
He was met with complete silence, and he panicked, thinking she was about to tell him that he really wasn't New York. Maybe Luke had moved to New York, or DJ. Maybe it was Alex, or, god, maybe it was even Oliver. He heard the faint sounds of footsteps approaching the pool house and he automatically assumed it was Kirsten until she finally spoke again. "Ryan… I'm right outside your door."
In his confusion, he just hung up, not hesitating for a minute as he went back over to the other side of the room, immediately opening the door. Finding her standing there, her cheeks tearstained even as she gave him that same small smile, he wanted to take her back into his arms right then or there. But he had no idea anymore if that was what she wanted. He didn't have to wait long though before she spoke again as she closed the door behind her. "I'm sorry too. I thought… I thought that by leaving Boston, you wanted to leave me. But I know now that that wasn't the case… Well, at first. You're right, you are New York. And you're not the only miserable one. Why do you think I left that there? I've been waiting for 10 months now to hear your voice on my answering machine, and every day I don't, I miss you even more. I didn't want to try to call you because I thought you needed your space, I honestly thought you didn't want me. But I meant every word I said. I still love you. And I want to make this work."
She didn't say anything else as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer for what had to be the most passionate kiss in her life. Her hands wrapped around his neck as a wave of fresh tears came to her eyes, these ones out of happiness, unlike the others that had been shed out of regret for letting him go. She was back in his arms now, and there was nowhere else she would rather be.
It was a minute before he pulled back to meet her eyes, his voice barely above a whisper. "And we will. We'll make it work this time. Berkley, Boston, New York… Wherever we end up, it'll be okay. If we're two states away or a whole country away, it won't matter. I promise you, I'm not going to leave again. I'm not going to lose you again, Riss."
She nodded, giving him a soft smile as she leaned up to peck his lips again. "I'm not going to lose you either, Ryan Atwood. You're stuck with me now."
And as the clock struck midnight a mere four minutes later, it was her lips he kissed. It was her that he held in his arms. It was her that he stayed up for hours with, catching up on the last year of her life, figuring out just how she had ended up in Newport. It was her that he held in his arms that night as he slept. It was her that he knew he would leave Newport again with, no matter where they were going. And if this was the way he was going to spend the next 365 days of his life, this was just where he wanted to be.