Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events depicted in this story are fictitious, except for those that aren't. All resemblance to people, gods, animals or objects either living or dead is coincidal. Some of the ideas might not be mine. No newts, krakens, dogs, ice devils or other monsters were injured in the course of writing this story.
The Ascension of the Ordinary Valkyrie
A haggard and glum Valkyrie materializes on the Astral Plane. She looks around with a bored face.
Hoarse whisper: "Thou hast been worthy of me."
An angel appears next to the Valkyrie.
Guardian Angel of Odin: "Behold, mortal, I am thy..."
Someone throws a potion of hallucination at the Angel. The flask shatters. The Angel sits heavily and begins to watch his hand move.
Valkyrie (disgusted): "Junkie."
She turns and wanders towards where an altar ought to be.
A renegade priest of Odin jumps out from behind a corner.
Valkyrie: "Hi."
Renegade priest of Odin: "Thou wouldst have words, eh? I'll give thee..."
Valkyrie (interrupting): "Pardon me."
Renegade priest of Odin (slightly taken aback): "Yes?"
Valkyrie: "You wouldn't happen to know which way the altar of Odin is, would you?"
Renegade priest of Odin: "Um. Sorry. I don't know the layout of this place. I just got a job to do, see."
Valkyrie: "Ah. I don't suppose you know anyone who does?"
Renegade priest of Odin: "Really sorry. They just hired me, see, and told me to get killed by a Valkyrie. It was supposed to grant me some kind of reward in the afterlife-thingy, see. I'm just a simple country boy and the folks here don't mingle much with my kind."
Valkyrie (gloomily): "Thought so."
Renegade priest of Odin: "Yes. Well. Where was I? Ah, yes, see, I'll give thee a word or two!"
The renegade priest of Odin swings his mace clumsily. The Valkyrie half-heartedly chops off his head and wanders away.
There is a commotion behind the door of a shrine. Some voices can be heard.
A voice: "Hey! You stepped on my toes!"
A voice: "Aargh!"
A voice: "Repent and thou shall be saved... Augh!"
A voice (angry): "Now, if any of you chums says another word concerning repenting, saving or the wrath of Tyr, I'm gonna get real nasty!"
A voice (hurt): "You kicked me in the..."
A voice: "So what made you incarnate as a male?"
A voice: "There was no reason to kick me in..."
A voice: "Ah, shut up!"
Thud. The shrine door is kicked in. The Valkyrie pokes her head in. Bodies can be seen in the background and several priests and Angels are busy trying to attack the Valkyrie, who keeps blocking them with a notched and muddy shield that once might have been polished silver.
Valkyrie: "'Scuse me."
The High Priest: "I'm not interested."
Valkyrie: "Is this the altar of Odin?"
The High Priest: "I'm not interested."
Valkyrie: "You said that already."
The High Priest: "I did? Sorry."
Valkyrie: "So is it?" (chops off the head of an Angel of Loki)
The High Priest: "Is it what?"
Valkyrie (mumbles some swearwords under her breath): "The altar of Odin."
The High Priest: "No, no, this is Loki's altar. Odin's is that way." (waves his hand in the general direction of the rest of the world)
Valkyrie: "OK. Thanks."
The High Priest: "Yeah. Sure. My pleasure."
The Valkyrie turns towards where the High Priest had pointed.
An Angel of Quetzalcoatl: "Behold, mortal, I am thy Guardian Angel!"
An Angel of Loki (sniggers): "Wrong plane, dude."
Angel of Quetzalcoatl: "Oh, darn. Not again. The boss isn't gonna like this." (vanishes with a poof)
An Archaeologist (on a different Astral Plane): "Aaarrgghhh!" (keels over) "There was supposed to be a Guardian Angel!" (dies)
An Angel (on this particular plane): "Repent and thou shalt be saved!"
A Priest and another Angel look at each other.
The Priest: "Uh-oh."
The Angel: "Let's get out of here!"
They run off, followed by sounds of something hacking something else to little pieces.
Valkyrie (wiping feathers off her armor): "There. I bet you won't say 'repent' anymore."
The chopped-up Angel: "..." (what can you say when your lungs are no longer attached to the rest of your respiratory tract?)
The Valkyrie absent-mindedly thrusts her sword through Famine and walks off again towards another shrine. Suddenly Death appears, comes face to face with her and raises his scythe menacingly.
Death (to the Valkyrie): "Who do you think you are, War?"
Valkyrie: "Nice scythe."
Death (flattered): "Thank you. I try to do my best."
Valkyrie: "That's cool. Carry on the good work."
Death (claps her on the back): "Good luck, lady!" (swings his scythe and cuts the Guardian Angel of Odin in half.)
Valkyrie: "You didn't have to do that."
Death: "Oh, the hell with it."
Valkyrie: "OK. Have it your way." (remembers something) "Oh, wait, do you know where Odin's altar is?"
Death (points): "That one over there."
Valkyrie (walks off): "Thanks!"
She stomps on a giant ant, cuts a priest to pieces and kicks open the door to the shrine.
The High Priest: "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place."
Valkyrie (annoyed): "Tell _them_ that." (points behind her where several angels and priests are fighting among each other for the right to be slaughtered)
The High Priest (to the fighters): "Hey! Break it up! Break it up! We're trying to have a conversation here." (to the Valkyrie): "So, what can I do for you?"
Valkyrie (tired): "Is this the altar of Odin?"
The High Priest: "Sure is, lady. The best altar on the whole five planes. We offer a quality service here."
Valkyrie: "Yeah, OK, I'll just be a moment." (walks to the altar and starts fumbling in her pockets) "Now where did I put this darn amulet..."
The High Priest: "Take your time. Hey, shouldn't you have a cat or dog or something?"
Valkyrie (casually): "Something ate it." (digs deeper in various pockets) "Ah, here the bugger is. OK, let's get this over with."
She makes a few movements with her hands and sets the Amulet of Yendor on the altar. There is a burst of flame.
A Heavenly Choir: "Shallalla!"
The Valkyrie winces. Someone in the choir is singing rather badly.
The voice of Odin: "Congratulations, mortal! In return for thy service I grant thee the gift of Immortality."
Valkyrie (very tired): "Yeah, whatever."
The voice of Odin (surprised): "What?"
Valkyrie: "What?"
The voice of Odin: "What?"
Valkyrie: "What?"
The voice of Odin: "Wha... Wait a second. Could we start over? Congratulations, mortal! In return for thy service I grant thee the gift of Immortality."
Valkyrie: "Yeah, whatever."
Odin appears.
Odin: "Why do you say that?"
Valkyrie: "So what should I say?"
Odin: "Well, you could say something along the lines of being grateful for a chance to serve me and that you'd be willing to die for me and that this is a great honor."
Valkyrie: "Why?"
Odin (surprised): "Well... Um."
Valkyrie (frustrated): "Do you really think I have nothing better to do than crawl to the bottom of Hell just to get you some trinket?"
Odin: "I thought..."
Valkyrie: "Yeah. Whatever."
Odin: "But I was a good god! I even gave you the Vorpal Blade!"
Valkyrie (looks down at her sword, covered with blood, feathers and other substances that are best left unmentioned): "Sure. While what I really wanted was the Frost Brand. But no, you just weren't happy with my sacrifices. You wouldn't even give me Mjollnir! I had to pray for a hundred times until you finally remembered to crown me. Not that I'm complaining."
Odin: "But I'm giving you immortality."
Valkyrie: "So? What makes you think I want to live forever?"
Odin: "Er..."
Valkyrie: "I mean, yeah, it could be fun for the first couple of hundred years, but then it probably gets boring."
Odin (taken aback): "If you put it that way..."
Valkyrie: "Look at yourself. You're just bloody bored with your everlasting life so you make people try to get you some amulet. I saw several graves on my way, don't think I didn't. You make them go down and get themselves killed. I just got lucky."
Odin (pouting): "But I really wanted the Amulet of Yendor."
The Valkyrie throws him a disgusted look.
Death (appears): "So. You two finished here?"
Valkyrie: "Yeah. Let's get out of here."
She takes Death's arm and they begin to walk away.
Odin: "Erm, the Vorpal Blade..."
Valkyrie (disgusted): "This?" (looks at the sword) "Keep it." (throws it back at Odin's feet. Odin jumps to avoid being hit) (to Death) "You wouldn't happen to have a vacancy for an assistant, would you?"
Death: "I might. Let's talk about it over an ale." (they walk off)
THE END.