He tries, sometimes, to hold on to whatever little morality he has left. He doesn't know what to look for: a sign he's going to be okay, a sign things have changed. There's nothing there.
Sasuke watches Naruto sleep. It's a night before he falls again, and he watches the softness in Naruto's features. It's all he can do to stop himself from breaking down right then and there – and then he can't anymore.
"Sasuke?" Naruto asks, because he's awake now, and he knows.
"I'm sorry," Sasuke whispers.
He can't stand knowing that he's going to hurt the one person he cares most about – and it's the only redemption he'd ever had. He watches Naruto's eyes turn a darker shade, blue and strong and as fierce as an earthquake. As scary as one, too, Sasuke thinks, because it is so full of love that he does not deserve.
"Please don't hurt yourself," Naruto says, and it's a demand that Sasuke can't keep up with. He looks at the pills, but he falters, and it isn't because of his failing health, but because of the way Naruto's eyes seem to cry out to him.
"I'm going for a walk," he says, and his heart clenches.
"Will you come back?"
"Please, Sasuke."
He stops with his hand on the door handle, and for a second Naruto thinks he's going to burst. Instead, Sasuke says, "I can't do this," and his voice is shaky and small, and Naruto wonders what happened to the man who used to rage as loud as an avalanche.
Naruto can't take it anymore, then, and he slowly makes his way to his lover. Sasuke backs into the wall, and once he hits the ground Naruto's running, crossing the small distance as fast as he can, and when Sasuke starts to cry he has his arms around him.
"Tell me I can do it," Sasuke says, and he quavers in Naruto's arms. "Tell me everything will be fine."
Naruto's kisses are soft and sweet, and he whispers, "you can, you can," and the worst part is, he believes it.
Sasuke's tears fall faster.
It's cold outside when they leave, hand in hand. Naruto says, "you don't have to fight this alone," and Sasuke looks at the cuts on his wrist, and wonders if that's true.
They go to the lake, to the place they first met, and it's frozen over now. Sasuke's fingers are crushed in between Naruto's, and when Sasuke looks down at them he can sense Naruto's fear. "You're the only one who –"
But he can't say it.
Naruto's heart melts at the words, and he kisses him again, kisses his cheeks and his lips and his tears, catches them as they fall. There is a hint of sadness in Sasuke's smile, because Naruto has always been this way – has always understood him better than he did himself.
When Naruto lets him go, Sasuke sticks his hand in his pocket, and when he pulls it out, he is holding the pills in his palm.
He doesn't look up at Naruto until after he had thrown them on the floor, stepped on them, and crushed them to powder.
He watches them get wound with wind and dirt, and when they've gone away, his eyes meet sky blues.
Naruto smiles with all of his features, and his eyes crinkle at the edges. They walk home hand in hand, and Sasuke's too afraid to speak.
He keeps his eyes to the ground and wonders how much time will pass before he finds the next stack.
When they're in bed, and right before Naruto falls asleep, Sasuke asks, "how long has it been?"
Naruto's voice is soft, and he says, "5 months and 28 days."
"That's the longest I've ever been."
Naruto sits up in bed, and his fingers wind in Sasuke's hair. Sasuke's eyes fall shut against his touch, and he thinks Naruto might almost be able to wipe away the pain. Naruto watches him, begs for a sign with his eyes, anything at all that could mean they'll be alright.
Sasuke smiles, but when he opens his eyes there is nothing there but pain and loneliness, and it is as if no time has passed at all since they'd left the hospital three years ago, as if it was only yesterday Sasuke had cried into his chest and said "I'm orphaned," with the most quiet voice Naruto had known him to have.
Naruto can't say anything then, but kiss him softly, and swallow away the lump in his throat. He thinks, I hope one day you'll come back to me, and doesn't know Sasuke thinks he never can.