Author's Note: A little fic for the holidays. After seeing "Rescue" I wanted to combine Olivia's struggle without Calvin and the upcoming holidays and see how it turns out come Christmas and New Year's.
Chapter One: Loss
He's gone.
Is this a dream?
He's really gone and never coming back. She'll never feel his small arms wrap around her waist when he's upset or even when he's happy. She'll never get to make him hot chocolate after a vigorous snowball fight. She'll never watch him grow, not even a little bit.
Never again.
Olivia recalls the dismal moment when she watched, helplessly, as Calvin was pulled out of the squad room.
She should've known that this was only temporary.
She should've listened to reality.
"It's going to be okay, Calvin." Her voice cracks a little.
The tears are fresh in her eyes.
Even now that they're gone, Calvin's cries for her are still audible.
"Olivia! Please don't let them take me!"
Her eyes remain forward.
"Olivia."
She's startled when she feels a strong hand on her shoulder. Olivia turns to see Elliot standing next to her at the coffee pot. His face is sympathetic and caring but he'll never know.
He'll never know what it's like to lose every person he cares for.
She's alone. Again.
"Yeah? I'm fine, I'm fine." Olivia said and wipes the tears from her eyes. She takes her cup of coffee and lets it warm her hands, "Um, i-is there anything else left to cover or is this case closed?" She asks and walks over to her desk. She uneasily sits down and lets out a shaky breath. She knows damn well that case has been closed for over two hours.
He follows her. She doesn't look at him when he puts his hands on her shoulders. She only stares at her computer screen.
"There's nothing wrong with missing him, Olivia." Elliot says.
No response.
"Last night I planned to take Calvin out since it's snowing today. Right before…" Her words trailed off. The approaching tears make her unable to finish her sentence. Olivia brushes her hair out of her face and she covers her eyes.
"Hey, hey," Elliot whispers, "Don't even go there."
"I ruined it for Calvin. If I hadn't talked to Vivian, he would still be here."
A few tears run down her cheeks but she quickly wipes them away when she notices their replacements walk in.
It's been years since the detectives have had the holiday off. She was happy to find out she had a few days off to spend with Calvin but the happiness went away with Calvin as Vivian forced him out of her life.
"Have a good holiday, detectives. See you in a few days." Cragen declares.
Olivia smiles and nods, "You too." She says weakly.
Fuck holidays.
She grabs her coat and walks out. Elliot copies her and is eventually walking in sync with his partner.
"Need a ride home?" Elliot offers and slips on his gloves.
"No, I think I might take a walk for a little bit." Olivia smiles weakly and pulls her black hat on top of her head.
"Okay, but I'm gonna check up on you later. Wanna meet for dinner or something?"
Olivia looks down and her eyebrows raise as she speaks, something she does when she tries to hold back her emotions, "Actually, I, uh, I have to return some things I got Calvin for Christmas so I'll be out all night."
"So? Let's meet." Elliot says.
Olivia only looks at him.
"Come on, Liv. Would you want Calvin to see you like this?"
"Like what?"
"You're tired and it's obvious you're not getting much sleep, you have no appetite. I haven't seen you eat anything but an occasional bagel and coffee. If you don't come to dinner with me tonight, I know you're not going to eat at home. You're sulking in your house whenever you're not at work."
"Elliot, I'll eat. Can we just drop this?" Olivia asks irritably. She shoves her hands into her leather gloves and then into her coat pockets. She walks outside and instantly the rush of the cold New York air hits her face. Elliot quickly follows her.
"You've never been this upset over anything, Olivia. Not even when your mother died."
Shit. Wrong choice of words.
Olivia stops and whips around, "You don't know what the fuck I did when my mother died so don't act like you know what I'm going through right now. So just fucking drop it, Elliot, and leave me alone."
He searches for words to make this better.
There aren't any.
"Tell your mother and family I said Merry Christmas."
Jealousy and anger coats every word that came out of her mouth.
Elliot doesn't say anything. He watches her turn on her heel and walk down the snowy street.
He wants to follow her. He wants to pull her into the biggest hug and tell her everything's okay.
Olivia's spent many Christmases alone. Each year, there's not one moment where Elliot sits with Kathy and the kids and wonders what Olivia's doing. Each year he invites her to spend Christmas with him and the family but every invitation has been declined. Olivia always says it's because he rarely sees his family during the year so this was a time to spend as much time with them. That's not the only reason. She'll never admit it, but Elliot's figured out why.
She's not a Stabler so she doesn't want to be the odd one out.
His eyes are still fixed on her disappearing figure. Finally, she is out of his gaze when she turns the corner. By now, his nose is red with the cold but that's the least of his worries.
This year, he doesn't want her to be alone. He wants to make this a memorable Christmas for her. She wants to spend this Christmas with Calvin and Elliot's going to make that happen.
Even if he has to go find Calvin and bring him back himself.