"Oh, Petey!" Sirius called as he hurried up the dormitory stairs.

Peter glanced up from the book he was reading, pushing his brows together. "Sirius?"

"Yeah, it's me," Sirius responded as he entered the dormitory, hurrying over to Peter's bed and jumping onto it, not caring that the ripples caused Peter's book to fall out of his hand and onto the ground.

"I didn't put that snake in your bed," Peter quickly said.

Sirius quirked his eyebrow. "You didn't? Good. I'd have to kill you if you did. I figure a third year or something did it to get back at me. Anyway, that's not what I'm here about."

"Oh… Oh. Do you need help with a prank?" Peter asked, his eyes flashing with amusement.

"No."

"Oh… then what?"

"I heard you had a date," Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

Peter flushed. "Oh, um, yeah. This Hogsmeade weekend."

"About time!" Sirius yelped proudly, patting Peter on the back. "Now we have many things to discuss."

"W-we do?"

"'Course."

"Like what…?"

"Well… it's about time we had… the talk."

Peter pushed his brows together curiously. "What talk?"

"The talk. The one I had with James and Remus when they both went on their first date." He lied.

"You had a talk with them?"

"'Course!"

"Who had the talk with you?"

"Peter… I'm Sirius Black. I was born with this knowledge."

"Oh. Okay." Peter nodded.

Sirius nodded, standing up and running a hand through his hair. "Peter, sex is…"

-Two hours later-

Peter stared at his hands with wide eyes, his breathing almost quick enough to count as hyperventilating. "So, then they wipe all the disgusting blood and white pus off, and then they spank it. Then it cries, and bam. You're a father!"

"Sirius…"

"Yes, Peter?"

"Th- you're messing with me, right?"

"… Nope," he lied again.

"I-it only… but…"

"That my friend is why you always use protection."

"I-I don't think I want to have sex… Ever."

"You can't do that!"

"Wh-why?"

"Because then it'll fall off!"

"Wh-what will fall off?"

"Your prick."

"WHAT?!"

"Yup."

"B-but I haven't had… sex yet."

"Oh… and you're how old? Oh merlin…"

"Wh-what?"

"It falls off when you're eighteen if you're a virgin!"

"What?!"

"Painful process… it feels like someone is grabbing it, and yanking as hard as they can—"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH—"

Sirius bellowed in laughter. "PETER! Come back! I was kidding!" He called as he chased him down the stairs.