I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I act so mean. It just seems to be who I am. I hurt people before they get the chance to hurt me. The further I keep people away the easier it is for me to believe that I really am a waste of skin. No one bothers to see through me shell. No one, that is, expect for Beck. He broke through my wall and saved me for awhile.
I almost did it once before. Killed myself, that is. Freshman year, I had no friends (by my own doing, of course) and I figured no one would notice if I was gone. I was ready to do it, standing on the railing of the platform in the Asphalt Café. It was late after school one night, so no one should have been there, but out of no where there was Beck.
He saved me that night and has kept me here for the past two years.
But these feelings are back. Alone in my room I sit on my bed crying as the world around me disappears and all I can see is the blurriness of what looks to be like my room spinning. And all I can hear is the voices in my head telling me that there's no point to going on. No point in waking up the next morning. Beck's only with me to keep me alive. He doesn't love me anymore. No one has ever loved me. I've made sure of that. My own parents don't like me.
The bottle is right there. A fresh, unopened bottle of sleeping pills all for my taking. Washed down with my favorite drink, coffee. A sweet taste to hold onto for the rest of eternity. Beck will be glad to be free. Tori will be glad to have Beck. Robbie will cry, but Rex will tell him to man up and he'll obey and move on with life. Cat will cry, but then stop to ponder who the little man inside of her head is that turns on the faucet to let the tears out. Andre may write a song about his feelings, but it'll become a big hit and it will just be profit from there. Trina won't even notice. No one will truly be affected if I was gone. They'd all be free of my ridicule and sarcastic comments.
My hand reaches over, blindly feeling around until my fingers land on the smooth plastic bottle. I can't hear anything. My mind is racing so fast it's as if I've forgotten how to hear. I still can't see anything but the blur of my room spinning….or my head spinning. I'm not quite sure which. I just want it all to end. I just want it to all be over, these feelings to go away. I'm sick of going day by day pushing everyone in my life away. I'm sick of coming home and crying myself to sleep every night hoping and praying that my eyes don't open in the morning. But what lies in this bottle guarantees that. This little bottle, those smaller pills, hold my entire future….or lack there of.
It's finally time. I can not go on any longer like this. My right hand weakly rises to the top of the bottle as I firmly grasp it in my left. I push down on the lid and turn the top until it falls off. I start to pour some pills into my hand. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I swallow them down. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. I want to make sure this works. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. That should do it. My eyelids are so heavy. My head feels like one hundred pounds. My head hits the pillow. The pills fall to the ground. The tiny pings of each pill hitting the hardwood floor of my room is the final sound I hear as I slip into a deep slumber. A slumber that I will enjoy for the rest of eternity. No one will miss me. I'm Jade West and all I have ever done is hurt people.
Just something I thought up and cranked out. Didn't take me long to write and I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this yet soooo you should review and let me know what you think of it :).