As the door began to close she could no longer help herself. She gasped for air as if she were drowning, while her insides were on fire, burning to ashes.
She didn't know how she could be drowning and burning at the same time, but somehow she knew it was true and could not imagine a greater agony in all her very long life.
She hadn't been able to look the young ninja in the eyes as she handed him the mission report. She couldn't bear to see the life in them, the life that would soon be gone. No, she'd ordered him to die and could not even give him the courtesy of acknowledgement.
Unwillingly - because the sun belonged nowhere near this cold dark place - she thought of shining blue eyes and an impossibly wide grin. Maybe she would break her promise to him. How could she help him accomplish his dream while knowing she was condemning him to this agony. To this fire that made the burn of cheap sake feel cool and sweet and smooth. To this suffocation that made you covet the release of your own slit throat. Maybe she could save him from it...
But her's was a fool's dream. If there was only one undeniable fact about that boy it's that he never goes back on his word. And his word has been given and one day he will succeed her and she knows that she will never be able to save him from his own dream.
She didn't know how long she sat there - shaking and drowning and burning and trying to lie her way to believing that there was still hope that the young ninja would come back and that the hopeful boy would find a new dream.
She lies to herself all the time, but she can never quite believe herself. The young ninja will die on this mission and the loud blond will keep his dream and pursue it to the ends of the earth.
So instead, Tsunade finds a new dream. If she can only put the world back together, and fast, she could hand him the reigns of an easier world. After all, it was far more likely that she could change the very nature of the whole world than she could change the gaki's mind.
Eventually, Shizune walks in with a new batch of death certificates to sign. Tsunade gets to work.