A/N- Hello, this is the first glee fic i've ever wrote, it's actually the first time I've wrote a m/m relationship before. But in light of everything that has happened recently I feel it's important to show solidarity. I'm a straight female so I'm trying my best here!
Bit of info about the fic, I'm going to sort of fill in the gaps of the episodes for a little while up until Kurt transfers to Dalton, then it's going to be AU. Don't want to lull you into a false sense of security with it being Canon and then it suddenly changes to life at Dalton!
Obviously if you like the story and want to see it continue I would love to hear from you, if you don't like it then if you could drop me a bit of constructive criticism that would be great! Anyway enjoy!
Chapter 1- Never been kissed
Kurt sighed to himself as he watched the rest of the glee club from his position by the door. Most of them were in couples, even if Quinn was denying it, she definitely had feelings for Sam and they certainly acted like a couple! Even Santana and Puck would wink at one another when they thought nobody was watching!
He watched as Finn lightly pushed Rachel's hair behind her ear as she smiled shyly, openly stared as Tina cheekily lifted Mikes t-shirt to get a glimpse of those abs, but finally his eyes rested on his best friend, Mercedes and he smiled softly , he wasn't the only one not in a couple!
Mercedes was alone as well, but watching her as she laughed at something Brittany said and teased Artie about his sweater vest, he realised she wasn't alone...not really. And if he really thought about it, technically he could say he wasn't alone either, he had friends, he joined in when they laughed and made fun of Rachel, he sang with them, he defended them, they were his team...yet as he spied Karofsky making his way down the hallway, towards the choir room, Kurt realised that at that moment he'd never felt so alone!
ALL IT TAKES- ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES
'Girls versus boys...seriously? Again!' Kurt couldn't help the whine in his voice as he skyped with Mercedes later that night.
'It'll be fun Kurt, you enjoyed it last time!'
'Last time I was on drugs...' He mumbled to himself. She laughed affectionately at his whining, watching as he applied the fourth and final layer to his moisturising regime.
'Well I'm sure we could get hold of some more of them...' She trailed off with a smile, clearly teasing.
'Mercedes, do you not see how this is completely unfair?'
'I don't know Kurt, the assignment is boys versus girls and as much as I'd love you to be in our group, if only to help control Berry, you are a boy.' She looked at him, compassion in her eyes, clearly sympathising with his decision. Yet there was a part of Kurt that felt she didn't really understand what she was sympathising with...
'I realise what my gender is Mercedes, I just don't think it's fair for Mr Schue to separate us in such a sexist way, it's so old fashioned and it's offensive Merce! Why should I have to sing with the boys when my talent is more suited to working with the girls!' Kurt looked at her through the computer screen, trying to get her to understand his feelings about this...his feelings in general. He was lonely, it was hard enough trying to fit in without being shoved into a room for the next week with the most heterosexual boys in the world.
'Yeah but Mr Schue wants us to try something different, get us out of our comfort zones...I think the fact your uncomfortable with this is the whole point Kurt...'
'Why are you taking his side?'
'I'm not I just think_'
'You are! Don't you think it's a little harsh of him to expect me to spend the next week in a situation I'm uncomfortable with! I spend every day at school feeling uncomfortable Merce, glee is supposed to be the one refuge we have!'
Noticing his eyes were beginning to well up he quickly finished his rant and subtly ran a hand across his eyes. He didn't know if Mercedes noticed or not through the low quality webcam but he was hoping she hadn't. She was his best friend, but he couldn't bring himself to be vulnerable with her right now, not with any of his friends.
He heard her sigh before she replied.
'I get what you're saying Kurt, honestly I do, but maybe you're just reading too much into this.'
Kurt looked at the screen with disbelief, he knew he was being stubborn in attempting to hide his feelings, but he didn't think he was that good at hiding them! Either Mercedes really didn't think he had any right to be upset or she just couldn't tell how upset he really was, Kurt didn't know, but he didn't know which option made him feel worse.
ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES
Kurt left Dalton academy not sure how he was feeling. His I phone was burning a hole in his pocket from where he had just entered Blaine's number.
Blaine.
The first out and proud teenager Kurt had ever met, who also happened to be a fantastic singer. Kurt could forgive the choice of song...
But what a voice! And those eyes, and the way he'd looked at Kurt when he'd sang, he'd really thought his heart was going to burst!
But that wasn't the only thing, they'd been so nice to him, so accepting of his sexuality it made his heart ache. He wanted that, he wanted nothing more than a place where he could be accepted. Kurt had been living his life thinking that he was just supposed to suffer. That every gay guy suffered in high school, but that it was ok because life got better. But that wasn't the case! He didn't have to suffer, it wasn't normal for him to be bullied and ridiculed and made to feel guilty for being gay, it didn't have to be his life.
And yet it did.
And Kurt didn't know whether he was happy or devastated that there was an alternative.
ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES
After the kiss, Kurt had ran, he'd ran from the locker room, he'd ran from the school and he'd kept running until he'd got into his car. He didn't stop once he was in; he just drove home as fast as he could. He wanted nothing more than the comfort of his bed; he wanted to forget this day had ever happened. That he'd just had his first kiss from a guy and it_ No he wasn't thinking about it, it hadn't happened.
Arriving at the house he shut of the engine and practically jumped from the car, his dad wasn't home from work yet as it wasn't even lunch so he had the house to himself. Which was good, no third degree about why he was home, no questions on why he looked so pale and by the time he got home Kurt would have recovered, he would have buried it deep enough that nobody would know.
Kurt felt his stomach drop at the realisation that nobody would ever know, nobody could know! He didn't have the strength to tell them and no one had seen it happen, and he was good enough at acting like everything was fine that nobody would be able to tell that anything was different.
Reaching his bedroom Kurt simply curled up on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling, he didn't know how long he lay there for but he heard his dad come home, vaguely remembered telling him he was tired and didn't want any dinner. And Kurt just lay there, not changing position, not answering the multiple texts he knew he would have on his phone, most of them probably wondering why he'd not been at glee rehearsal.
After a while Kurt began to come to his senses enough to realise that he needed to change his clothes and begin his nightly facial routine. Sighing to himself he began to sit up, he felt his stomach jolt as he saw who the latest text on his phone was from.
Blaine.
Heart pounding he reached for his phone, absently scrolling through his other texts, Quinn, Mercedes, Tina...he saw he had three texts from Blaine. Hands shaking he opened the first one.
Hey, just got out of practice, sorry I've not had chance to text before now. How did it go today? B x
That one had been sent at around 6, presumably when Warblers let out for the day. The other two had been sent an hour after each other.
Worried about you Kurt, let me know everything is ok yeah? B x
And finally.
At the risk of looking like a stalker, please let me know your ok...getting tempted to add people from Mckinley on facebook...B x
Kurt smiled weakly at the last text, it was nice that someone cared, that someone noticed that something wasn't right...granted Blaine had never met Kurt when he was right...but it was still nice, it made him feel less alone. Before he realised what he was doing Kurt was tapping out a reply.
I don't think courage is for me.
Talk to me.
He didn't know what to say, talk to him? Talk to Blaine? Talk to the one openly gay guy he'd met and explain how he'd tried to be brave, tried to have courage, and just ended up sexually assaulted instead?
It was humiliating! It was hard enough Blaine knowing just how miserable he was at school, how blatantly unpopular he was, without him having to explain this.
Nothing to say really, just the usual, locker shoving etc...
He hesitated just a moment before pressing send; this was somebody he could talk to. Somebody who understood! Why was he pushing him away when all he wanted was someone who could relate to him, who could offer advice without being patronising that would look at him without the slightly judgemental stare that seemed to be in everyone's eyes lately.
Because it was his choice to be gay after all, he made the decision, if he was suffering the consequences of that, then why should they have to suffer as well? That's what they were all thinking when they looked at him...it's why none of them ever helped, not really. They saw him retreating into himself, they watched as he got shoved into lockers day after day, yet no one really did anything. Maybe Blaine could help?
No, he quickly pressed send, this was his problem and it was far to humiliating to have to explain to practically a total stranger that he didn't have anyone else he could talk to!
He jumped as he heard teenage dream blare from his I Phone, there was only one person attached to that ring tone.
Blaine.
'Hello?' Kurt cursed himself for the timid nature of his voice, but no guy had ever called him before! At least not like this, not an attractive out and proud gay guy, who Kurt found unbelievably sexy.
'You're a horrible liar Kurt, even in text form...' His voice was exactly how he remembered, smooth, suave and spine tingly sexy!
'I don't know what you're talking about.' Kurt cringed, he sounded pompous and defensive and he knew it, but he was finding it hard to keep it all in when all he really wanted to do was scream it from the rooftops!
'Are you going to tell me the truth? Or are we just going to circle around it for a while?' He sounded half amused, half worried and Kurt found it strange that he could tell that about a boy he hardly knew.
'I...I'm just so ashamed, I...' He felt his voice break as the tears that had been threatening all day finally came. He was not going to do this! He couldn't cry to Blaine...not again!
'Hey, hey Kurt it's ok...I promise you whatever has happened you don't need to be ashamed.' There was no mistaking the concern in his voice now, and that did it for Kurt, the damn he'd built up for the last few weeks broke and he felt the tears slide down his cheeks before the sob tore from his throat.
And he cried, he cried like he hadn't in years, he cried out his fear and frustration with the phone clutched to his ear, as the boy on the other end whispered reassurances.
'Shhh, it's ok, it's going to be ok, I promise...'
He thought about that kiss, that sweaty body invading his space, those greasy lips and slimy tongue possessing him, claiming him in a way that wasn't theirs to claim! He felt himself gag as he thought about it, he felt sick and the crying wasn't helping him gain any control over it.
'Kurt...Kurt you need to calm down. You're making yourself sick. Ok deep breaths...Kurt seriously, listen to me, calm. Down. In and out...that's it, you're doing so well Kurt, we're going to fix this I promise, but I need you to calm down first. So just breathe, In and out...that's right...'
He listened as the voice on the other end, he did what he asked and slowly he got control of his body once more. A hot dose of shame spread throughout his body as he realised who he'd just broke down to, but as he listened to Blaine telling him he was doing so well, he stopped being embarrassed and just listened, listened as Blaine told him they'd fix it, listened as he directed his breathing and finally when his sobbing had quieted to hiccups he listened as Blaine took control of the conversation.
'I need you to tell me what's going on Kurt, I know it's hard, but you can't go on like this anymore. '
Kurt immediately began making excuses;
'I...I don't know why that happened, I'm sorry...I...just...' He broke off as the other boy interjected,
'No Kurt! Nobody cries like that unless they've been keeping it in for a long time, I know that it's not just about today, but if you just explain what happened that took you over the edge we can deal with it, bit by bit...together.'
Kurt took a sharp intake of breath at the last word...together...that concept was foreign to him, he was independent almost to a fault, but he couldn't do this anymore, it was all getting too much and no amount of pride or stubbornness was helping him.
'Alright I...it just seems so stupid, I've made such a fuss and it's not actually that big of a deal, I guess just added onto everything else I got upset and_'
'Kurt, if it upsets you it is a big deal it doesn't matter if somebody just insulted your hair, if your this upset then it's a big deal. Nobody has the right to make you feel like this.' The passion Kurt heard in Blaine's voice made his eyes well up again, he quickly brushed away the tears and nodded to himself. Taking a deep breath he decided to tell him the truth...
'He shoved me into the locker again, I mean it was nothing new and it happens every day, but something was just different you know?'
He heard Blaine hum in agreement as he carried on his story,
'So I just snapped I mean I'd seen what you have at your school and it just made me so angry! So I ran after him, followed him into the boys locker room, and he made some jibe about me being in the wrong room and then everything changed. And I wasn't scared anymore, I was furious, I didn't care what I said to him or what he did to me, because in that moment, with his stupid immature insult I just saw him as pathetic.'
'Kurt that's great, it really is, but what changed?' Kurt could hear the confusion in the other boys voice, as he took in another breath he prepared himself for the rest.
You've come this far Kurt...may as well tell the rest.
'Well I said something along the lines of he wasn't my type and other things just as equally brilliant...and at one point I really thought he was going to hit me...and a part of me wanted him to, because then I wouldn't be afraid of him anymore, the worse would have happened and I...'
He broke off again, another sob threatening to tear from his throat. He waited for Blaine to interject, try to calm him down, but there was nothing but calm breathing from the other end of the phone...he wanted him to finish, as hard as it was, Blaine was waiting for him to tell him the rest.
'I...I wouldn't have anything to be scared of, but that's not the worse that can happen...it's just...it's not...he...he...kissed me.'
He heard the sharp intake of breath and the muffled curse before he carried on, it was like a dam had opened and he just had to get it all out!
'I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, people kiss people all the time but he just...he's been terrorising me for weeks, every time I see someone from the football team I panic thinking it's him, every time I hear a locker slam I feel like just curling up in a corner! But I was handling it because it was just homophobia and I had my principles, I just always thought to myself I'm gay, it's who I am I have nothing to be ashamed of. But when people are constantly on you about it, it's kind of hard to keep believing that...'
He took another breath before carrying on...
'That was the only thing getting me through...Blaine I...the only thing I had was my pride, in who I was and what I was, and it's like he's kissed me, against my will and invaded my little gay bubble. It's like nothing is sacred anymore, he's tainted everything!'
He let the tears fall again then, and the sobs escaped, but it wasn't as frantic as before, so he sobbed and he listened to Blaine's response on the other end of the phone.
'Jesus Kurt I...what he did to you, it's not right...I feel so fucking angry for you! But you're wrong about one thing; he's not tainted anything Kurt. Nobody has the power to change you or make you feel anything you don't want to feel; only you have that power. And I know it's easier said than done but it's up to you to stop letting him in...If you don't want him in your bubble then keep him out.'
Kurt laughed bitterly,
'How can I do that? He's everywhere Blaine, but he had never invaded that part of me before and now he has and all I can think about is his lips and his breath and it's just everywhere!'
'Go brush your teeth.' Came the short reply.
'What?'
'Just do it, go brush your teeth and then we'll talk.'
So Kurt did just that, he left the phone on the bed as he went to brush his teeth and as silly as it seemed, it helped, he felt cleaner, powerful, more in control than he had before.
Picking the phone back up he couldn't help but smile.
'I did it, he's gone.'
He could sense the smile in the other boy's voice as he replied;
'You're in control Kurt. You don't have to let him in, he doesn't have to affect you, what he did, it means nothing.'
Kurt nodded into the phone,
'Ok, I'll try and think of it like that, but what do I do...I mean how do I face him?'
'Well he's not getting away with it, that's for sure. Tomorrow he's going to get the best coming out talk he'll ever receive...'
'What...what do you mean?'
'We're going to talk to him Kurt...together...I told you we'll fix this, and we will, it's going to take time but you're not alone anymore. All joking aside he's obviously terrified, he's a complete dick, but a terrified dick at that and maybe he just needs to know he's not alone as well.'
Kurt shook his head in disbelief,
'I don't think it's going to change anything Blaine, he's not going to miraculously change his ways because two gay guys say it's ok to be gay.'
'No, but it's a start. The other option is to tell your dad or the school_'
'No! No I can't do that I...'
'Exactly. So for now, we try and talk to him, and if that doesn't work, well we did our best. '
'You keep saying we Blaine, but you don't go to my school and_'
He heard a laugh down the other end of the line,
'I do own a car Kurt, what time's your lunch period tomorrow?'
'Half 12...' Kurts voice was laden with disbelief, 'But why_'
'Ok well I'll meet you in your parking lot at half 12 on the dot ok? I'll be the guy in the incredibly cool blue blazer...'
Kurt laughed, half in shock yet half of him filled with something he couldn't describe. Relief?
'I...you don't have to do this Blaine...but thank you...thank you for listening, and I'm sorry for being so miserable and_'
'Don't apologise Kurt, and don't thank me either. We're friends yeah? '
'Erm...yeah...yeah we're friends.'
'Well friends look out for each other. I told you Kurt I've got your back, you're not alone anymore. Now close your eyes and get some sleep, I've got a history test in the morning and I'm not hanging up until I know your safely asleep and not thinking about homophobic in the closet gay jocks...'
Kurt smiled softly into the phone as he closed his eyes.
'Ok but you really don't need to stay on the phone you know...I can get to sleep just fine.'
'Kurt?'
'Yes?'
'Shut up and go to sleep.'
Kurt laughed then, a real genuine laugh he hadn't had for a while.
'Ok Blaine, whatever you say.'
ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES
Kurt sat awkwardly in the booth at breadstix, watching from under his lashes as Blaine perused the menu. This boy fascinated him; he was new and exciting, so kind and considerate, yet scarily put together. He'd never met anybody like him before, and not just because he was an out and proud gay teen, but because he was so unselfish and brave, he was definitely brave, even if he didn't think so.
He'd stuck to his word and helped him confront Karofsky, and it hadn't exactly gone as planned but it still left him with a warm feeling in his stomach that someone had stuck up for him.
He blushed as he realised Blaine had seen him staring and was looking at him with fond amusement.
'I...I...don't get you!' He burst out in a rush, the pink tinge still burning his cheeks. Blaine cocked his head to the side in confusion.
'I don't know what you mean...' He ventured, his eyes burning into Kurt's.
'Well, you're just so...so...well you were so brave then. He shoved you against the fence and you didn't even blink, you just looked at him, didn't even try to get him off you...' He trailed off as Blaine smiled at him.
'Well I think you did all the fighting for me...' He teased flicking a piece of breadstick at Kurt.
'No seriously Blaine, were you not terrified? Did he not scare you? He was right in your face and it just came from nowhere!'
Blaine studied him for a moment before answering and Kurt could feel those eyes on him, seeing right through him.
'Truthfully? Without sounding like an arrogant prick, no he didn't scare me Kurt.'
Kurt looked at him with disbelief, both forgetting their menus for the minute as they looked at one another.
'But why? I mean no offence to your fighting skills, but he's a big guy...I don't think there's one guy at Mckinley that could take him in a fight.'
'But that's just it Kurt, I had no intention of fighting him. Guys like that, they don't scare me anymore. Big and loud with more muscle than brain, it used to terrify me. I'd stay late after class and at lunch just to avoid them, but I think you have to get to a point where that type of violence from those guys, it means nothing. If he was going to hit me then it was going to happen and realistically what was I going to do to stop it?'
Kurt opened his mouth a few times, in a completely unattractive manner, before he thought of what to say to that.
'So you're saying he could hit you and you'd do nothing? That we don't have a choice? We just have to accept it?'
'No, no, I'm not saying that at all, I'm saying that I'm not afraid of guys like him anymore. He's pathetic, violence is his go to reaction and that doesn't scare me. He could have hit me, and yeah it would have sucked, it would bruise and the warblers would kill me for getting into a fight, but then that's it, he's not changed who I am, he's not achieved anything at least not from where I'm standing. Big guys with no brains, they don't scare me...look at Hitler, tiny little man, terrifyingly clever...now he was scary! I'm more scared of a homophobe with brains than some jock who thinks he can punch the gay out of me.'
Kurt smiled, it was refreshing to have a new outlook on life, he and Blaine seemed so similar in that he'd had some of the same experiences but yet they were so different. Blaine was the epitome of someone who had been through the ringer and come through the other side, with a positive attitude and a great outlook on life.
'So Hitler is scary?' Kurt repeated with a grin, Blaine nodded, his mouth full of breadsticks.
'And Karofsky is all muscle and no brains?'
Blaine grinned at him,
'Exactly! You learn fast young grasshopper...' Kurt grinned and threw a breadstick at him.
'Dork.'
ALL IT TAKES - ALL IT TAKES – ALL IT TAKES
Just something I forgot to say up there, this chapter is sort of a trial to see what people think of this story, the next chapter is going to be from Blaine's point of view, but I was wondering what people thought of that? I know from reading other fics Blaine is way more attractive when your not quite sure what he's thinking and he will stay quite ambiguous, I'd just like to develop him a bit more. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it!