Maybe it was because she was feeling a little fuzzy from the two and a half glasses of wine she'd drank. Maybe it was because Rachel had been even more cuddly than usual while they watched Brave. Maybe it was because of the way Rachel's face had lit up when she'd appeared unannounced at her door with a complete (vegan) pre-Thanksgiving dinner the night before she was scheduled to fly home the holiday.
Whatever it was, it had led to Quinn Fabray thinking that telling Rachel Berry how she really felt about her would be a good idea.
She looked down at the interlocked fingers of her hand and Rachel's, working up the courage to speak. She squeezed Rachel's hand lightly. That got Rachel's attention, drawing her eyes down to her lap. Quinn reached over with her free hand, grasping their joined ones. She licked her lips and drew in a deep steadying breath.
"Rachel?" Rachel's wide brown eyes turned towards her. "I love you." Nothing happened for a moment. Rachel's wide, unblinking eyes continued to stare back at her. Quinn tried to push down the dread rising inside her, reminding herself that the wine had affected Rachel as much or more as it had her.
Rachel's blank stare shifted, and she locked eyes with Quinn. The little smile that she'd had all evening – the one Quinn knew only came when she was truly happy – slowly morphed into a wide, joyful one that showed her teeth and made the corners of her eyes crinkle.
Finally, she spoke.
"Aw, Quinn!" Rachel turned, without release Quinn's hands, and wrapped her other arm around Quinn's neck. The hug was slightly awkward due to Rachel almost straddling her and their arms squished between them, but all Quinn could focus on was that Rachel hadn't yet rejected her. "I love you too."
Quinn felt dizzy. Her heart pounded out a crazy rhythm in her chest. Of the things Rachel could've said, she had never dreamed she would hear that.
"You're such a great friend. I was feeling so lonely lately and with not being able to make it home for Thanksgiving..." Rachel's pause allowed Quinn some time to process what she'd said. Friend. "I just – that was so sweet, coming here and doing this for me, so thank you."
Quinn tried to say something, to tell Rachel it wasn't necessary to thank her, that she just wanted to see her happy, but it came out as a choked almost-sob muffled in Rachel's hair. Rachel pulled back slightly to look at her face. "Are you okay, Quinn?"
"Fine, fine, I um, I – could you maybe let me get up?" Quinn needed to get out of there. She couldn't let Rachel see her cry. "I need to use the bathroom."
Rachel hopped right up, giving Quinn's hand one last squeeze before she released it. Quinn watched her as she took their empty glasses into the kitchen and tidied up some of the dishes from their dinner, before she ran from the room.
Once she was in the bathroom, she double checked the door was locked before sitting down on the closed toilet lid. She slumped over with her head in hands and let her tears come.
"Damn it."
Quinn gave herself five minutes, not wanting to take too long and worry Rachel. When her time was up she moved to the sink and washed her face. She stood there staring at her reddened eyes in the mirror, taking a deep breath that turned into a shuddering gasp. "Don't fucking cry."
She wanted to run. She wanted to grab her coat and run out of the apartment and get on the train back to New Haven and lock herself in her dorm room for a week or two. She didn't want to see Rachel's face or feel her hold her hands and hug her and whisper comforting words in her ear. Even more, she didn't want to see Rachel's big sad tearful eyes when she saw that Quinn had been crying. She just wanted to forget about Rachel, at least for a little while.
But she couldn't.
Quinn had made a promise to herself, way back when Rachel had hesitantly asked her 'We're kind of friends, right?' She promised that she would always be there for Rachel, for as long as Rachel wanted her.
Of course, at the time she had hoped that being there for Rachel would mean being something more than her friend. Logically, she knew that probably wouldn't happen, but the hard reality of having her fairytale ending ripped away from her when it was almost in her grasp hurt more than she had expected.
She took another breath, this one slightly less shaky than the last, and with a final check of her face unlocked the door and headed back out to the living room to find Rachel.