A/N: This started out as a KMF variation question (spitball, wedgie, and throw paper planes at) where the options were the Ninth Doctor, Tenth Doctor, and Eleventh Doctor. Anyway, a comment I made about throwing paper planes with naughty notes at Eleven eventually turned into a plot bunny, and eventually turned on an innuendoy life of its own that ultimately became this. Basically, you have maigonokaze to blame (or thank) for this.
Takeoff
He was trying to ignore her. Very hard. His hardest. Honest and proper ignorance. But she wouldn't let up. Every few minutes he'd feel it at the back of his neck.
Shwoop!
Or maybe his ear. Or his cheek. One even landed in the brambles of his pomp. "Rivah!" he scolded, trying to sound low and primal. Instead, he heard her snicker in that bad bad girl tone that did things to him that would be bad if he didn't have something to stand in front of. Advantageously, he happened to be facing the time rotor.
"Oi!" Amy barked as she trampled down the stairs in her nightgown and robe. "What's going on down here? Rory and I can't sleep with your rubbish piloting."
"Nothing!" The Doctor squeaked. He darted around the console to avoid her gaze, but she gave chase. "Nothing at all. Everything's perfectly fine down here. Nothing to see! Go back to bed, Amelia."
"Amelia?" Amy stopped on one side of the console and glared at The Doctor in between glassy bobs of the time rotor. "You only call me that when you're worried. But you're clearly not worried…" She turned to spy her daughter in the pilot seat. "…unless…River?"
River had her legs crossed, cradling a stack of blue papers within them. Her blonde curls bounced about the bright apples of her cheeks as she lifted her head, but said nothing. Meanwhile her hands worked gracefully, like a time-lapse video.
"What's he not telling me?"
The corner of River's mouth quirked and she began to open her red lips.
Amy raised a green tipped finger. "And don't you dare say 'spoilers!'"
River pressed her lips into an easy smile.
Amy glared and swept the console room with her eyes. As she turned back to grill The Doctor, something crunched beneath her slipper. When she looked down, she noticed it was a crushed paper airplane that looked of the same paper from River's lap. Moreover, there were several airplanes. "What?" she murmured, mid-bend.
"No! Leave those alone!" The Doctor panicked.
Realizing she was on the precipice of an answer, she grabbed the crumpled plane and hopped around the console as The Doctor had done earlier to evade her. Her eyes worked over the body and wings of the paper, unsure of what she was supposed to be looking at. Then a thought occurred to her: maybe something was folded inside. As she tried to unravel the crushed wing, she noticed something on the edge.
"Amy! Amelia!"
Amy scampered back, losing a valuable moment as she paused to read the writing, and didn't see The Doctor change to a counterclockwise direction. Before she knew it, her finger was bleeding and the paper plane was in The Doctor's hands.
Within moments, the plane was a pile of blue confetti on the console floor. "Back to bed, Pond!" He directed her by the shoulder towards the stairs.
"I hope you at least use protection." Amy felt The Doctor's hand roll off her shoulder like a blob of the canned cranberry jelly her Aunt Sharon always brought to Christmas dinner. She heard her daughter chortle in the background.
"I-I think—" The Doctor wrung his hands together while his legs jiggled like overcooked spaghetti. "—you've got the wrong idea."
"Oh?" Amy, already on the first step, swirled back. "And who do you think invented the Tokyo Sandblaster?"
The Doctor's cheeks burned like hot iron. "That's not what it said!"
"'Tokyo Sonicblaster,'" Amy replied. "Like I wouldn't realize the variation!" She glanced at the sonic, balanced on a bell on the console and shivered. "I should've made Rory come down here."
"Amy?"
"Speak of the husband." Amy turned quickly and pointed upstairs. "Go."
"But–"
"Now!"
Rory tied the belt on his robe a little tighter. His eyes caught The Doctor's, who then diverted his face, and then he looked to River, who was caressing the nose of her now finished paper plane with her thumb. Another look at his wife and his stomach nearly bottomed out. "Oh!"
"I told you to go!" Amy scolded.
"I'm going, I'm going!" Rory shouted as he ran up the stairs, nearly tripping over the hem of his robe.
The Doctor waited until her heard the telltale slam of the Ponds' bedroom door, then he waited a few minutes longer before turning to his wife. Unfortunately, as soon as he did, the nose of her latest plane met the nose of his face. "Rivah!"
"Sweetie?"
The Doctor crumpled up the paper airplane without reading it and stalked towards her. "You got the Tokyo Sonicblaster from your mother?"
"No," River said calmly. "I got the Tokyo Sandblaster from my mother. You didn't think you were the only thing we talked about before she found out who I really am, did you? Besides, like she said, the Sonicblaster is my own invention."
"But that – that's just – just—" As he struggled to find a word that described just how creepy and ill fitting the situation was, but the breath suddenly vanished from his mouth, replaced by a supremely talented tongue.
"I spent time in France," River whispered against his shuddering lips. "Who do you think invented their kiss?"
He squirmed at first, then relaxed as her mouth dove against and away from his again, leaving him even more frustrated than before.
"I guess I'll have to write my notes in Circular Gallifreyan next time, won't I?"
Even though he still wanted to be grumpy and mad at his in-law embarrassment, his anger slipped between his fingers when River's tongue slipped across his teeth. Eventually he began to thrust his fingers through her delightfully springy ringlets.
She nipped at his lips, her ministrations as delightful to the senses as her given name. "I see my hair's not the only thing springing up tonight."
The Doctor sputtered as she picked up the sonic from the console.
River traced her husband's lips with the green node, then dropped her arm to her side with the sonic out of sight. "You liked the notes on my paper planes. Admit it, Sweetie."
The Doctor stuck his nose up. "You gave me a paper cut on my ear." The next thing he knew, said ear was being suckled and he felt a wet shiver run through his blood. He still couldn't figure out how zooming one innocent little paper plane at his wife had turned into this.
"Do you want me to pilot your TARDIS?"
Bzzzzzzt.
The Doctor groaned at the hum of his sonic. He wanted to say something clever about a cockpit, but his wife always made his brain was too addled for that sort of thing.
"I won't take offense if you say no," River continued, turning her face away from his. "That way you can do whatever you like with your blue boringers." She shrugged and slipped the sonic into his inner pocket.
The Doctor shook his head as she lingered around the circumference of the console and began to pull out and release his pinball lever. "P-pilot."
"What was that, Sweetie?"
The Doctor pried his sonic out of his pocket and pointed his arm out as far as it would go towards River. "Drive."
River accepted the sonic and lifted it to her lips like a microphone. Her eyes dipped and glided before she spoke. "This is the Captain speaking. I believe we're ready for takeoff."