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Tsuna's Decision
Tsuna couldn't recall how long he'd been awake. He didn't know how much time had passed since the moment he'd opened his eyes and his gaze met the ceiling of Gokudera's bedroom. He couldn't remember when was the last time he had eaten a full meal or when was the last time he'd even smiled. Tsuna didn't feel like smiling right now. After everything that had happened, smiling seemed impossible. It was hard to believe that it had been only three days since that horrifying ordeal.
Three days ago when three lives were taken right before his eyes.
Tsuna closed his eyes and pressed his hands over his face. He felt empty now. Gone was the sadness, anger, and despair. There was simply nothing. He felt numb and rubbed raw and there was nothing save the nightmares that could make his tears return. The nightmares were truly horrible. They did not warp his experience. They did not make it darker or more horrifying, for that was impossible. Every night he was simply forced to relive each second of what had happened, each word that had been spoken, each breath that had simply stopped. Gokudera had been there each time he'd woken up. He had held him. He had let Tsuna cry into his chest. He'd let Tsuna tremble and sob until it was over and Tsuna was able to stand on his own two feet again. But Tsuna knew he'd be there again the next time he woke up. He didn't feel alone.
But it was during these quiet moments that Tsuna realized things were quieter than they were supposed to be. He hadn't heard Zero's voice ever since that moment. Had he died then too? Had the body count been four instead of three? Tsuna bit his lip. Zero's appearance had been a mystery and he had died a mystery as well. Perhaps Reborn would know more, but he doubted that the hitman would wish to speak of such a thing.
Tsuna knew he'd have to return home soon.
Gokudera knew this too, though he was doing his best to put this thought out of his mind. It was an eventuality was unavoidable, but one that Gokudera wished was much more far off from now.
For the last three days, the silver-haired teenager had done his best to distract his boss as best as he could. He didn't dare to utter a word regarding the Vendetta incident. He didn't even dare to bring up in passing any of their friends, afraid that by doing so, he would only further upset the other. It wasn't hard to do so since the brunette spent the majority of his stay sleeping, or trying to. It was a tactic Gokudera himself had used often when he was younger and alone, but when Tsuna woke up trembling from his nightmares, Gokudera made sure to be there at his side, holding him tightly in his arms each time. He'd murmured quiet reassurances and quieter promises, empty as they felt. Each time he had felt the other tremble in his arms, Gokudera had squeezed him tighter.
What else can I do…? Gokudera's mind was plagued by this thought constantly. He wished he had a way to make Tsuna feel better. Seeing him like this made his heart break endlessly, and it killed him to know that no matter how bad Gokudera felt, Tsuna was surely feeling worse.
If only none of this had happened… If only the Vendetta had never shown up…
Thoughts like that persisted in Gokudera's mind. He didn't care at all about the fate that had befallen the Vendetta Family—though even he had to admit it left a bad taste in his mouth, even after all the shit the bastards had pulled—but he wished his boss hadn't had to experience that horrifying scene. The silver-haired teen knew how deeply affected Tsuna had been by the event, and he knew there was nothing he could do to make it better.
There was nothing anyone could do to make it better.
(Would it ever get better? Gokudera already knew the answer to that question. He knew that things were only going to get worse in the future.)
If only I could take him away from all of this, Gokudera thought, feeling all the despair of a centuries-long regret in the span of a second.
It was no use to dwell on this though, at least not now. Gokudera couldn't let his mood drop while Tsuna's own mood was no better. He had to keep his spirit high, and support the other as best as he could.
And Gokudera wasn't the only one who was working hard to do so.
Uri jumped up on the bed and began making his way across the mess of limbs and bed sheets until he reached his destination—Tsuna's chest. The white kitten nudged Tsuna's face with his nose before lying down, sprawling across his shirt.
Tsuna felt the warm bundle of fur lying on his chest and smiled slightly. The motion felt strange to him, almost as if the muscles used to smile were stiff from disuse. It was then that he realized he hadn't smiled since they returned to Gokudera's apartment three days ago. Tsuna felt his chest get heavier and lighter at the same time.
He slipped a hand from the blankets and limbs in order gently scratch the kitten's head. "Good morning, Uri," Tsuna whispered. He glanced over to Gokudera's sleeping face and returned his gaze to the cat.
"Let's try not to wake Hayato up yet, okay?" He scratched behind the feline's ears and under its chin, enjoying the purring that sunk into his chest. The hand that was still entangled in the sheets found Gokudera's fingers and slowly took hold of them, finding comfort in the other's presence.
Unfortunately, Gokudera wasn't much of a heavy-sleeper, especially not these days when he was so alert and mindful of the other's mood. The quiet murmurs roused him from his sleep, and his eyes blinked open as he felt a familiar warmth spread across the top of his hand.
Tsuna…? Gokudera licked his lips and felt his stomach flutter as his realized where the warmth was coming from. Instinctively, he squeezed the hand that was grasping his own, the gesture light and tender. Gokudera's eyes glanced up from their hands and stared at Tsuna, whom lay beside him. The brunette was quietly petting Uri, and the peaceful sight before him eased a weight in Gokudera's chest. It felt like it had been so long since the other had smiled. That listless, numb look in his eyes had finally diminished, and Gokudera's own gaze softened at the fact. A grateful smile lifted the corner of his lips. "Ah, morning…" he whispered in a quiet voice, not wanting to disturb the calm, quiet atmosphere that had formed around them.
Tsuna held in the gasp that almost escaped when Gokudera's hand moved and squeezed around his own. He hadn't expected Gokudera to be awake. He turned his head to look at him and smiled apologetically. "Oh… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." He still spoke gently, not wanting to be so loud so early in the morning. "Good morning, um… H-Hayato," he murmured, looking down at their hands as his cheeks flushed. It had been a lot easier to say it when he thought the other to be asleep.
Gokudera immediately felt his chest warm at the sound of his name. Though it wasn't the first time the brunette had said it, hearing it—hearing his boss' boss utter it in that quiet, embarrassed tone, it caused Gokudera to close his eyes slightly as relief flooded him. Tsuna was finally better… He'd been so unresponsive these past couple of days, and Gokudera had been worried about when the brunette would recover. He'd tried to reach out to him, calling him constantly, comforting him during those moments when the brunette broke. Gokudera had grown used to calling his boss by his first name. Whereas before he felt hesitant and somewhat uncomfortable to use that form of address, now he felt privileged, and he took every opportunity to say it. And now, as his boss finally said his name back in a tone that wasn't filled with anguish, something inside him loosened.
"It's fine, Tsuna." Gokudera beamed, enjoying the way the word felt in his mouth. He let the short syllables linger on his lips before continuing. "It's about time to get up anyway," he said as he shifted in his spot and sat up. "Would you like anything in particular for breakfast, Tsuna?"
Tsuna held Gokudera's hand as he moved. He gathered Uri into the crook of his other arm before he sat up as well. "Um." Tsuna looked down at the sheets and shrugged lightly. "I'm not picky. It doesn't matter to me, Hayato." It was easier and easier to say his name every time he said it and he couldn't help it. He wanted to say it. Every time he did, though, it caused his cheeks to flame red and his head to duck downwards in embarrassment.
The way the other kept saying his name, the way he kept blushing a second later and looking down at his lap, it all made the butterflies in Gokudera's stomach flutter more and more. Seeing the other's face free of that troubled expression he'd had for days sent a rush of happiness and relief through him, and Gokudera wished more than ever that his boss' expression never changed from the one he had now. His eyes softened affectionately, and at that moment, as he was filled with the desire to kiss the other's sweet smile with his lips, he couldn't help but to say in a quiet, longing whisper, "Well… If that's the case, would you have me, then, Tsuna?"
Tsuna's eyes widened and he looked at Gokudera quickly. "I…!" He felt his face heat up and redden darkly as he imagined just what Gokudera had in mind. He put Uri down in favor of tugging the blankets over his face. "N-No! Hayato, don't say stuff like that!" Tsuna squeaked with embarrassment, his voice muffled by the sheets.
Gokudera grinned, chuckling lightly at the brunette's reaction. He tugged the blanket off the other's blushing face, felt his heart stutter for a moment as his cheeks pinked in happiness. Then, with a gentler look and an even gentler smile, he said, "Isn't it alright?" Gokudera leaned in a bit and placed a hand on the other's cheek. "Can't I kiss you, Tsuna?" he murmured softy.
Tsuna looked at Gokudera's hands as he pulled the sheets down. His face was red and he closed his eyes shut, his heart fluttering at Gokudera's chuckle. He felt the hand at his cheek and he leaned up into it automatically. He didn't know why his hands were trembling. He wasn't scared. He wasn't scared at all. But this overwhelming emotion was just too much and he couldn't open his eyes. Instead, he bit his lip and nodded at Gokudera's words, unable to find words of his own to respond.
Gokudera's eyes softened even more at his boss' face. He felt almost a little bad for making the other feel this embarrassed. As comfort, Gokudera leaned in until he was pressing his forehead against the other's. His thumb caressed Tsuna's cheek in a soothing motion. "Hey…" he whispered. "Look at me?"
Tsuna leaned against the other's forehead and opened his eyes slowly. His eyes connected with Gokudera's vivid green ones and his heart started pounding again. His face was still red and his eyes darted down to Gokudera's lips before deciding that was much too bold and instead settling on his gaze on the other's nose.
Gokudera let out another quiet chuckle, but he was pleased. Not wanting to tease the other any longer, his hand slid down the brunette's cheek and propped up his chin so they could see each other eye to eye, before leaning in to kiss him. The touch was sweet, soft, a simple meeting of lips pressing against one another. When Gokudera finally pulled back, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes shone happily as he smiled. "Thank you for the meal, Tsuna."
Tsuna felt like he had butterflies in his chest as their lips met. His eyes fluttered closed again and his body, previously tense, loosened with relief. However, when Gokudera pulled away and spoke, Tsuna was blushing again. "Ah, Hayato…" he murmured. "Don't say such embarrassing things." Tsuna's tone was softly chiding, saying it simply to say it and not actually meaning it. He opened his eyes again and smiled a bit. Tsuna hesitated for a few moments before he leaned forward and pressed his lips quickly against Gokudera's in return.
Gokudera smiled into the kiss and happily followed the other, leaned in as Tsuna leaned back. He found it hard to keep away. "I'm sorry," he said, looking shameless. "But I really am thankful for the kiss." Gokudera leaned in and pressed another kiss against the brunette's lips. "Thank you," he murmured, and then pressed his lips on the other's cheek. "Thank you," he whispered again, repeating this routine a few more times as kissed the other's forehead and eyelids, before pressing one last kiss against his mouth.
Even with the title, Tsuna flushed. He felt light headed, surely because of the amount of blood pressing against his cheeks. But maybe it was because of Gokudera's kisses, Gokudera's words, Gokudera's hands and breath. Tsuna clumsily placed his hands on Gokudera's cheeks, holding his head still but at the same time, wanting to feel his skin underneath his fingertips. "Okay, okay…" Tsuna smiled awkwardly. "I should be the one thanking you, anyway." He leaned forward and pressed a final kiss to Gokudera's lips as he felt Uri wriggling in his lap underneath the sheets. He looked down and quickly removed the blanket from over the kitten, gathering it in his arms. "Ah, sorry, Uri," Tsuna said before he glanced to Gokudera, still quite pink in the cheeks. "Let's go eat, okay?"
"Okay!"
The two eventually made their way to the kitchen. Gokudera put some bread to toast before filling out Uri's food bowl. After using up the last of his eggs and making some coffee, Gokudera served their plates, and the two of them enjoyed a peaceful, lighthearted breakfast.
It'd been a good morning. Gokudera felt more than relieved to see the brunette finally smile. But as they sat on the table, making small talk as they ate, Gokudera couldn't help but to spare a thought to the rest of their friends. He wondered how they were doing. Gokudera hadn't bothered to contact them at all since he last saw them. He'd been too preoccupied with taking care of Tsuna, but now that the other seemed a bit more cheered up, Gokudera allowed his mind wander.
Though Tsuna had been deeply shaken by the deaths of their enemies, Gokudera couldn't forget the purpose that had led them all to fight against the Vendetta Family. The bastards had captured one of their own and held him hostage for an entire week. Now, three days after they had managed to rescue Hibari, Gokudera couldn't help but to wonder how the prefect was doing. Being kidnapped for a week couldn't have been easy. Gokudera had no experience on these types of matters, but it must have been tough, and that's putting it mildly. Taking in consideration the way Hibari had brutally murdered the red-haired Vendetta member, Gokudera didn't think he could possibly imagine what the other had endured.
At least the Bucking Horse is taking care of him, Gokudera thought. He figured the older blonde had experience with these matters and knew how to handle them. The reassurance allowed Gokudera to focus on their other friends better.
Though he spared a few thoughts to Chrome and Lambo, Gokudera wasn't actually too worried about them. Despite being youngest members of their team, the two of them had been the least affected by the tragedy that had occurred. Lambo had been saved from the brunt of the event for the most part, which was a profound relief. As for Chrome, the girl had kept a cool head throughout the entire affair. She had even managed to get their boss to get back up on his feet, at least until they all managed to exit the enemy's base. Gokudera felt his grudging respect for her increase because of that despite the fact that he still didn't completely trust her.
In the end, it was Yamamoto and Ryohei that Gokudera was most worried about (after Tsuna, of course). The silver-haired teen knew them the best out of their group, and it was because of that that he was worried. This was the first time any of them had seen someone die before their eyes, and Gokudera knew that that was always hard, especially the first time. He wished he could do something to put them at ease, and make them feel better, but at the same time…
It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The part of Gokudera that knew that all of them were going to be in this life for the long run was sort of relieved that this had happened. It had been sickening and horrible, and he wished it wasn't that way, but it was. Gokudera wouldn't begrudge them if they decided to end their association with the mafia after this event. (But he also knew they wouldn't.)
They'd all have to get used to it eventually. It was a pity that it had happened so soon—that it had happened at all—but Gokudera had never expected anything else.
Tsuna was eating breakfast which was more than could be said for the past few days. Over the past few days, Tsuna had make sure Gokudera didn't notice, but Tsuna would often pick at his food or skip meals, feeding much of the leftover food to Uri so Gokudera wouldn't worry. However, this morning, he was hungry. And though Uri approached him, expecting to be fed, Tsuna merely patted its head and ate his breakfast. So the cat began to meow and dig his claws into Gokudera's pants.
Tsuna's mind wandered to the rest of his friends, hoping everyone was alright. He couldn't help but feel terribly selfish now, hiding behind Gokudera when the others must be hurting just as much as he was. Tsuna sighed slightly, thinking, not for the first time, when he should go home. However, he felt that familiar aversion, remembering that Reborn would be there and he hoped for one more day without him.
Though the two were deep into their thoughts, the silence wasn't as tense as it had been over the past few days. Of course, Uri also did his best to keep the two distracted.
"Tch! You have your own plate! Why do you keep coming up to me for?" Gokudera complained as Uri once again begged him for some of his food. This routine continued on until their meals ended. Once Gokudera stood up to take the plates to the kitchen, Uri meowed again but the cat didn't move to follow his owner, and instead wandered off, looking a bit put off.
Gokudera rolled his eyes at his pet's actions. It was becoming spoiled… mostly because Gokudera himself spoiled the cat quite a lot.
Tsuna smiled at the kitten stalking around them. He felt a little guilty for accustoming Uri to it but he didn't have the heart to tell Gokudera about it. So he stood up and followed him to the kitchen to help with the dishes. However, he wasn't in the kitchen for two steps before he suddenly felt a rough tug at the back of shirt. Tsuna choked and he was pulled down to the floor with a loud thump. He gasped and opened his eyes, immediately becoming shocked by what he saw.
"R-Reborn!" he squeaked, rubbing his neck. The Arcobaleno crossed his arms and frowned down at Tsuna.
"It's time to go home," Reborn said firmly. "Your mom is worried about you, you know."
Tsuna looked away from him as guilt gripped his chest.
Gokudera swiveled around on his feet the moment he heard Tsuna gasp. His heart jolted slightly, and his eyes widened as he spotted the Arcobaleno that had suddenly appeared in this apartment, "R-Reborn-san!" he stammered in surprise. Hearing the baby's words made his chest clench. He stood there frozen for a moment, his hands dripping water and foam into the floor as he tried to work his tongue for an excuse to allow his boss to stay here for just a little bit longer. The idea of being separated after all this time was hard to swallow.
Tsuna looked at Gokudera, a moment of desperation crossing his features. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to go back to the house where surely Reborn would corner him for a discussion or lesson based on what had happened. But his mother. His mother was worried about him and surely so were Lambo, I-pin, and Fuuta. Tsuna was especially worried for Lambo as he had been directly involved in the battle three days previous.
Tsuna sat up and looked down at his lap. "Right, um. I'll go," he said before glancing up to Gokudera once more. Saying good bye seemed wrong. Thank you seemed too little. Tsuna wasn't ready yet. He didn't want to separate from Gokudera so soon. "Will you come with me?" he asked, swallowing.
Reborn frowned at this question. However, he made no protest.
Relief washed over Gokudera like a crashing wave. His panicked expression softened as he rushed to agree. "O-of course, I will!" he breathed out, smiling gratefully at the offer. "Let me just dry my hands. I'm ready whenever you are, T-Tenth" he said, only pausing for a moment to glance at the Arcobaleno before turning his gaze back to the brunette.
Tsuna stood up and straightened out his clothes as Reborn went over to wait by the door, his arms crossed. He nodded and waited for Gokudera to be finished while he fingered the hem of the slightly long shirt that Gokudera had let him borrow after his own suit had been bloodied and ripped. Gokudera was taller than him, so the pants had to be rolled up but the shirt extended past his waist. Tsuna felt even smaller than usual. After Gokudera was ready, Tsuna walked with him to the door where Reborn lead the way out. Tsuna followed, biting his lip with his hands stiffly at his sides, unsure of what to do with them or if he should do anything with them.
Once they got down the stairs and began heading back to Tsuna's house, Gokudera made sure to walk beside the brunette without missing a step. It was a silent journey. Gokudera noticed Tsuna's uneasy immediately and wished he could do something to soothe his nerves. A glance ahead of them assured Reborn wasn't looking at them, so Gokudera gathered the courage to reach out to his boss. He knocked the back of the other's hand with his own for a brief second, before intertwining their fingers. Gokudera squeezed Tsuna's hand in comfort and shot the other a shy, small smile as he glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes.
The moment Gokudera's hands touched his, the knot of nerves and fear inside his chest loosened. Tsuna breathed easier and curled his fingers tightly around the hand in his. It was warm and strong and supportive. Tsuna glanced over to catch the smile and soon, he smiled too. It was small and discreet, but there. The walk to the Sawada household was much easier.
When they arrived, Reborn called inwards. "Mama. I brought Tsuna home," he said, stepping in. When Tsuna heard his mother's footsteps, he automatically slipped his hand out of Gokudera's. Not wanting to cause a scene or have questions be asked. Not now. Not yet. He wasn't ready for that conversation from his mother.
Gokudera quickly stuffed his hands in his pockets as well, feeling embarrassed at his own actions now that they were at Tsuna's house. Thankfully, no one had seen. Still, Gokudera's face was slightly flushed by the time Nana came down the stairs with a freshly-bathed Lambo on her arms.
"Ah! Tsuna's home!" Lambo exclaimed excitedly as he wiggled out of Nana's arms and launched himself at Tsuna who caught him with a grunt.
"Tsu-kun! Welcome back!" Nana's expression shone with relief upon seeing her son. "You sure were gone long! I was beginning to worry!" she scolded him lightly, putting her hands on her hips.
"And she's not the only one. Why haven't you been answering my phone calls, Hayato?" Bianchi cut in in a disapproving tone as she, too, walked down the stairs, following Nana. There was a towel hanging off her shoulders, which was beginning to get soaked by her wet hair. There was a freshly-bathed I-Pin on her arms as well. Fuuta followed behind her and greeted them happily too.
Gokudera wasn't in the right mind to answer any of them back however. Upon seeing his sister's naked face, Gokudera's usual symptoms returned.
"A-Aneki!" Gokudera squeaked, his eyes widening in panic as he saw her face. The urge to throw up rose, and his stomach immediately tied up in knots. "Shit," he muttered, before falling down to his knees.
"Oh, my! Gokudera-kun, are you alright?" Nana asked worriedly, immediately switching her attention off her son and towards the silver-haired teen.
"Gokudera-kun!" Tsuna was half-thankful for the distraction though immediately regretted it when he caught the look of pain on Gokudera's face. However, he would still use this opportunity.
"Mom, I'm going to take him upstairs to lie down. He doesn't look so good." Tsuna put Lambo down and placed his hands together apologetically. "Sorry! We'll talk later." He then grabbed Gokudera's arm and helped him up to his feet, guiding him to the stairs.
Nana watched them go with a slight frown. "Alright, Tsu-kun. I'll bring some tea up for Gokudera-kun for a bit, alright?"
"No fair! Tsuna, play with me!" Lambo protested as he tried to go after them.
"Lambo, no!" Fuuta grabbed Lambo before he could make it up the stairs and held on to the squirming five-year-old tightly. "Come on, I'll play with you."
"Yeah! I-Pin play too!" said the Chinese girl in Bianchi's arms.
Tsuna was thankful that the kids were well distracted and hauled Gokudera all the way up to his room. It was a difficult task and Tsuna bumped his toe on two corners but they made it. He laid Gokudera on his bed and moved the hair out of his face. "Gokudera-kun?" He swallowed and looked back at the door. "H...Hayato? Are you alright? Can you hear me?"
Gokudera groaned weakly but nodded. "I-I'm alright," he said, though it actually felt like his stomach was bursting. He bit his lip and held back a wince. He tried to focus on the warm, soothing touch on his forehead instead.
Tsuna sighed. At least he wasn't completely out of it. "It's okay. Just relax." Tsuna glanced at the door again before placing a quick kiss on Gokudera's forehead.
Gokudera's pale face flushed brightly at the kiss. "T-Tenth!" he stuttered in a quiet, embarrassed voice as his eyes darted towards the door. But the action had managed to distract him from his pain. Warmth swelled inside him like a salve being spread across a wound. The pain in his stomach dulled.
Tsuna could see Gokudera's face calm and the wrinkles on his brow that usually signified pain were smoothing out. He let out a small sigh of relief and held Gokudera's hand in a soft hold between his two own. Being back home was easier since Gokudera was there. Perhaps he could convince him to stay the night. But then his mind returned to Reborn and he was sure that his tutor wouldn't allow it. But for right now, this was enough.
The two of them stayed like that for a while. As promised, Nana soon came up with some tea, which Gokudera gratefully drank down. The concoction managed to calm his stomach, but the effect of his childhood trauma, coupled with the little amount of sleep he'd gotten over the past few days, rendered him exhausted. It wasn't long before Gokudera began to doze off on Tsuna's bed while the brunette stayed by his side.
And stay by his side he did. Tsuna sat on the floor beside the bed, not wanting to sit on the actual bed lest he stir Gokudera out of the sleep that had taken him over. Gokudera had been working so hard to help him. He deserved this respite from the chaos that was their lives the past couple weeks. Tsuna didn't know how much time had passed as he watched Gokudera sleep. But what jarred him out of this self-hypnosis was a soft murmuring outside his door and then a knock. It didn't sound like Reborn. The voice had been much deeper. Tsuna stood up and padded softly over to the door, glancing at Gokudera to make sure he hadn't woken up before opening.
"Dino-san!" Tsuna's eyes widened and his stomach did a simultaneous flip and clench at the sight of the blonde. The last time he'd seen the man was when… Tsuna bit his lip. He didn't want to think about it. "Um… Come in, but Gokudera-kun is sleeping, so please be quiet." He stepped aside, his gaze locked onto the floor.
"Hey, Tsuna." Dino stepped inside the room and shot the brunette a small smile that didn't really reach his eyes. His gaze shifted to the teenager resting on Tsuna's bed, but the glance was brief. Dino soon turned his attention back to Tsuna, who was doing his best to avert his eyes. Dino grimaced slightly and rubbed his arm awkwardly. He did his best to put on his usual older brother persona, though he had a feeling it wouldn't be as reassuring as it usually was. "Sorry for dropping by all of the sudden without a word," he said.
Tsuna shook his head and smiled politely. It didn't reach his eyes either. "It's okay." He closed the door and moved back to the bedside. He didn't sit. Instead, he rubbed his arm a bit and looked at Dino's feet.
Dino carefully watched Tsuna's nervous demeanor and bit his lip in remorse. Just as he feared, Tsuna still seemed a little shaky from the whole Vendetta incident. There was a familiar troubled expression on his face that Dino wished he could ease. There was little he could do to help the other though. Dino held back a sigh and let his arm to fall back to rest at his side. "How are you holding up?" he asked softly after a brief pause.
"I'm doing okay… Um, how is Hibari-san?" Tsuna looked up at Dino's face this time. Hibari had been kidnapped for a whole week before he'd murdered his kidnapper right before their eyes. It had been the last in the three deaths they had witnessed in that short time. But no matter what Hibari had done, he was concerned for him and his well-being. He was even relieved to see Dino alright even after the man had prevented him from stopping Hibari.
A flash of pain crossed Dino's eyes, and this time it was he who looked away from the other. He tried to ignore the ache in his chest that hadn't stopped plaguing him since he'd left his lover's house, but it was hard. "…He's alright, physically at least," he finally answered after a brief pause, his voice quiet. "He'll recover. He just needs time."
Tsuna frowned. Of course Hibari would be scarred by this. No matter how strong he was, the prefect had been through a heavy ordeal. It would be foolish to think he would be alright. He nodded slightly. "I hope he recovers soon," he said softly.
"Yeah…" Dino sighed, before shaking his head slightly. After another brief second, he finally turned his gaze back to Tsuna, and tried to smile sympathetically. "But I didn't drop by today to talk about Kyouya. Seriously, Tsuna, how are you holding up? I know that this couldn't have been easy for you," he said. His smile faltered. "It never is, the first time."
Tsuna swallowed and he pressed his lips into a thin line. He glanced back towards Gokudera's sleeping form and hugged himself softly. "Um, Gokudera-kun has been helping me… I'll… I'll be okay," he said, ignoring Dino's last words. The first time. He didn't want there to be a second.
"Yeah…" Dino knew Tsuna would be okay, even if things seemed tough now. He remembered how it was back then, and could sympathize with Tsuna, whom was the mirror image of his past self. "I know it seems hard at first, but you'll get used to it. I wish you hadn't been forced to confront this so soon, but that's the life for you." Dino let out a quiet, sad chuckle that sounded more tired than anything else.
Tsuna looked up at Dino, his eyebrows furrowed. He didn't know why, but his words bothered him. For the first time, he willingly looked back three days ago to the scene of those three deaths. He recalled Dino's face, his strong satisfaction, as he had watched Hibari beat a man to death. And then the reason for his discomfort became all too clear. A fear gripped his heart because he'd always wanted to be like Dino. Strong like Dino. Smart and great like Dino. Tsuna shook his head. "No." He swallowed again and gripped himself tighter, looking at the man almost incredulously. "I don't want to get used to it."
Dino stared at Tsuna's resolute face. The familiar words resonated within him and made him want to look away. How long had it been since it had been him standing in Tsuna's position? Both Reborn and Squalo had reprimanded him for being too soft back then, and now…
Now things had changed. Dino had learned to accept that there was no way to avoid the fate you had been born into. As much as he protested, in the end, he ended up becoming the Cavallone boss. He still hated the burdens that came with the position. He'd never been fond of violence before, but he'd grown used to it, even more so after meeting Kyouya.
Tsuna would follow a similar path, he was sure. And as Reborn's older student, Dino wanted to save the younger pupil the heartache he'd experience if he continued to fight against his fate.
"Tsuna… After everything that has happened, don't you think you should start throwing the towel? There's no point in protesting anymore. You're already deep into this. Wanting a normal and quiet life isn't something people like us are allowed to have. We can't run from this," he said in a heavy voice.
Tsuna shook his head again as Dino spoke. Part of him couldn't believe Dino was saying these things. "No. I'm not going to just… Let it happen." He didn't break his gaze from Dino's face, his eyes. There was fear and determination swirling around in his chest as he gripped his own shirt. "I'm not running. I know my life won't be normal or quiet. But I refuse to accept that murder will become normal to me." The word came from his lips like a vile poison, like the word itself had brought along its meaning. And it did. He remembered each death clearly and he wanted so desperately to forget.
It was like staring right into a mirror… Staring at Tsuna made a chasm of painful memories resurface. Dino did his best to push them away and focused instead on the lessons he'd learned, on the lessons that he'd taken to heart as he'd grown up. "You'll only hurt yourself if you keep thinking that way, Tsuna," he told him. "Death is an unavoidable part in our profession. I'm not saying you should learn to enjoy it, god forbid. But there's no point in mourning the death of an enemy. The Vendetta won't be the last to target your Family, Tsuna. There will be many more, and you have to be ready to face the consequences that come with that. You won't be able to convince everyone to stand down. Those who don't will aim for your head, and unless you eliminate them first, people are going to get hurt." Dino frowned as he shot a pointed look at Tsuna's right-hand man.
"No point?" Tsuna released his shirt to rub his hands over his face for a moment before he shook his head more determinedly. "They weren't just enemies, Dino-san. They were people." He stared at the blonde and felt like the ground was shifting beneath him. How could Dino be saying such things? To think that he could become that, that he wanted to become that, it was terrifying. "There's always alternatives. I… I could have done so many things. If… If I was just stronger then there might have been a chance." Tsuna's voice was soft and hopeful.
"You wanted… You wanted to give these people a chance?" Dino repeated incredulously. "After everything they did?!" Dino's voice began to rise with each word that escaped his lips. His eyes narrowed. Gone was the calm, mentoring tone he'd been using. A spark of anger flashed in his eyes. "Did you already forget what they did to Kyouya? What all of this might have done to our child?" he snapped defensively.
Tsuna's expression snapped to shock when Dino's voice changed. He stared at the man, practically watching him transform into the voice he once overheard in the hospital so long ago. "Of course I haven't!" He clenched his fists at his sides. "I saw the pictures just like you! I know what they did! I'm not stupid! But that doesn't mean they deserved death!"
"They almost killed you!" Dino threw back at the other, exasperated and growing angrier. "They almost killed all of you! And you think they don't deserve any less?" The blonde's forehead creased as his eyebrows knotted downwards. His lips pressed together thinly as he tried to calm himself down, but it was impossible. "That kind of thinking is naïve, Tsuna, and it will get you killed," he promised.
"Watch your mouth, Bucking Horse."
Dino's eyes darted towards the silver-haired teenager that was shifting up to a sitting position. The previously slumbering teen was wide-awake now, and his expression bode much ill-will. Gokudera's green eyes were narrowed dangerously as he pulled the covers off his body. "Don't you talk to the Tenth like that," the teen commanded in a threatening tone.
Dino's eyes narrowed in his direction, but Gokudera didn't stand down and merely lifted his chin in return.
Tsuna looked back at Gokudera when he heard his voice. But he didn't stand aside. He didn't cower this time. Instead of using Gokudera as a shield, he'd use him as a support. So Tsuna unclenched a fist and lifted his open palm slightly, faced towards Gokudera. A soft but stern stopping motion that he hoped the other would understand. His gaze returned to Dino and the strength in his voice was renewed.
"I know what they did and I know what they tried to do." Tsuna spoke clearly. "But the Vongola has killed many people over the years. Too many. If I'm going to be the next boss, I won't follow that same path. I'm going to change this. I won't let anyone else die needlessly and nothing- no one is going to stop me." Tsuna didn't glare. He merely looked at Dino right in the eye. He realized then that if both of them were to continue to walk forward, they wouldn't be able to do it side by side. Their paths were too different.
Tsuna's gaze fell to Dino's chest and a heavy weight hung deeply in his chest. "Please go. Gokudera-kun is not feeling well. Give Hibari-san my best wishes."
Dino stared at Tsuna with an unreadable look in his eyes. He stood there in silence for a long moment. The brunette's idealistic words made him feel tired and old, but above all sad. If only things were that simple… What Tsuna proposed seemed almost impossible. Worse, it was the kind of thinking that got people killed. Dino couldn't abide that. He had to protect his own.
Dino finally broke his gaze and closed his eyes briefly as he sighed. Tsuna would learn in time, just like Dino had been forced to. Until then, it was clear that the two of them would not see eye to eye.
This didn't mean Dino was going to turn his back on Tsuna, however. They were still allies, even if they were in disagreement. So, he did his best to muster up a polite smile, even if the gesture didn't reach his eyes, and complied with his fellow boss' wishes.
"Good bye, Tsuna. Take care of yourself, and… keep my advice in mind at least," he said quietly before turning to leave the room. Then, the door closed behind him, and he was gone.
Tsuna watched Dino leave, nodding softly. When the door finally closed, the hand he held in front of Gokudera dropped limply at his side. He stared down at the table, feeling that heavy weight grow heavier with each passing second. He didn't know what to do now. For all his words, he felt lost. Dino's advice felt more like a foreboding shadow swallowing his future. No matter how much he tried, he knew he wouldn't be able to escape his fate. And he was scared.
Gokudera's anger diffused with Dino's exit, and in its place, a worried frown marred his expression. His eyebrows knotted in concern as he slid off the bed and approached the brunette, who had suddenly slumped and gone quiet. "Tenth…?" he whispered as he placed his hand on the other's shoulder.
The hand on his shoulder was a welcome anchor, keeping him from drifting too far back into despair. However, the word caused that heavy weight to double in size and he flinched. "Don't…" Tsuna bit his lip. "Not… Not now."
Gokudera's eyes widened and his expression twisted in pain at his own blunder. Now that they were alone, there was no need for him to continue to call the other with that title, but it had slipped out of his lips unthinkingly. And there couldn't have been a worst time for that to happen. Gokudera's chest ached as he saw the painful expression he'd caused his boss to have. His grip faltered for a moment, and he looked down at the floor in shame. "Sorry," he apologized quickly, swallowing thickly. His hand returned to rest on Tsuna's shoulder, and he squeezed the tense muscle comfortingly before stepping in front of him. Gokudera's hand slid off of the other's shoulder and up his cheek. His touch was soft and gentle, and his words even more so.
"Don't let that guy's words get to you... Whatever you decide to do, I promise I will follow right behind you, supporting you every step of the way. I believe in you, Tsuna."
Tsuna let out a soft sigh when the hand moved to his cheek. He leaned against it before looking up at Gokudera when he spoke. "I know." Tsuna smiled gently. He felt a small relief at the other's words and he lifted his hands to hold Gokudera's. He pressed his lips against his fingers and sighed. Tsuna lowered his head and rested his forehead against Gokudera's hand. "I know you will," he spoke softly. "Thank you, Hayato, for staying by my side."
Gokudera's lips softened into a smile. There was no need to say anything in response to that. Instead, he wordlessly pressed a reassuring kiss on the other's head and held him close. The two stayed like that for some time.
Tsuna wrapped his arms around Gokudera and sighed at the close contact. He buried his face into Gokudera's chest, breathing in his scent and feeling like he could stay there forever.
However, the moment was quickly interrupted when the door opened. Tsuna and Gokudera were quick to separate and it was good that they did. "Reborn?" Tsuna swallowed as he stared at the baby walking into the room and hopping onto the table.
"I saw Dino leaving." Reborn crossed his arms and glanced at Gokudera, who looked away in an attempt to hide the telling flush crawling up his face, before returning his gaze to his student. "What did you two talk about?"
Tsuna frowned and looked down at the floor. "We just… talked about what happened with the Vendetta Family. How they died." He returned his gaze up to his tutor and shook his head. "It's not right, what happened. They… They didn't have to die like that!"
Reborn stared at Tsuna for a moment. His lips widened in a small chuckle and Tsuna's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm serious!" he insisted. "That… What happened was horrible, and Dino-san, he…" The words died in his throat but luckily Reborn was quick to interrupt.
"I know." Reborn put his hands behind his back. "The world of the mafia is a dark place. You know that now. But you already made your promise and I think you'd make a fine boss."
Tsuna ignored the last half of the sentence and frowned quizzically. "My promise?"
"You're going to change the Vongola, right?" Reborn smirked. "To do that, you have to become boss first."
Gokudera watched silently as the two talked, glancing between the two of them. He bit his lip slightly at the conflicted expression that rose on Tsuna's face. A small frown crossed his lips, but he did his best to give the brunette an encouraging smile instead as he reached over and squeezed his shoulder.
Tsuna looked at the hand on his shoulder before looking at Gokudera's face. He had to become boss. Such a thing he had been trying so desperately to avoid ever since the first moment Reborn had stepped into his house was suddenly staring at him in the face. This wasn't the first time and he knew it wouldn't be the last. However, this time, it seemed all the more pronounced.
Three days ago when three lives were taken right before his eyes, Tsuna witnessed the consequences of the Vongola Family's sins. This was the legacy he would inherit and, just as Reborn said, what he had promised to change. It seemed like a daunting task. However, with the soft weight of a hand on his shoulder and those kind green eyes standing at his right side… He felt stronger. He felt capable.
Tsuna looked at Reborn again and nodded softly. "I know."
That was all he said. And that was all that needed to be said. Reborn understood and he nodded. "I know you'll make the right decisions." Reborn gave a smile before he turned and walked out the door again.
Tsuna's posture immediately slumped and he lifted a hand, placing it on Gokudera's and gripping tightly. He felt as though he'd signed his soul away to the devil and he was already on his way to hell.