Title: Laughing Out Loud
Summary: Jeff and Matt reflect on Jeff's lost of passion for wrestling.
Author: KrystalBlaze
Disclaimer: The song is "Could I Be You" is from the group Matchbox 20 and was written by Paul Doucette. It is off the CD "More Than You Think You Are."

Laughing Out Loud

 Sometimes I wonder how we got to this point. I don't want to believe it anymore. I don't want to believe that now Jeff is no longer a part of what I am. I don't want to believe that Jeff is no longer a part of what we fought so hard for. I can't believe he let himself down like this. I can't believe it. It's just too hard to grasp. I can't understand why we're at this point. I don't understand how he let himself fall like this.

Something is wrong
With the sum of us

Matt thinks I don't know what he's feeling. He's trying too hard to hide what he thinks. I know he's ashamed. I know he's feeling anguished. I know that he's wondering what he did wrong, what I did wrong. I can see the conflict on his face as he watches me. I stare back at him. He looks away. I know this is so hard for him.

I mean, I'm his little brother. He's supposed to save me, right?

But how can he save me from myself?

That I can't seem to erase
How can I be

Jeff's fallen so far. I can't believe he let himself fall into this little sick hole. He's not supposed to lose his passion. He's not supposed to lose his spirit. He's not supposed to lose his soul. Wrestling is in his blood. It's what makes him him. It's not like I pushed him into it. He chose the path I did. I think he resents me. I don't know why. I think he believes I forced him into this position.

He's probably thinking," well, if Matt wasn't so focused on the bigger goal, I wouldn't be here. If only Matt hadn't pushed me so hard and actually listened to me."

I did listen to you, Jeff! I love you too much not to. Don't you understand? I only want you to be happy. Don't you understand you won't without your wrestling?

The only one
Without a smile on my face

Matt thinks he knows me so well. He's probably right. He knows me better than I know myself, but this time he's wrong. He thinks I can't be happy without wrestling. He thinks the only thing that has kept me alive these past years is my love of the business. He thinks so many things that are so wrong. I wish he understood what I want. He just understands what he thinks I need.

When now
You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight?

"Jeff, why?" I finally ask him. I have to know why he quit on the WWE. I have to know why he quit on me. He knows how much this business means to me. He knows how much it bothers me to see him let go. He knows, damn it! Why is he being so callous about it? How can he just look at me and not answer the question. Does he even know the answer himself?

 You show your pain
Like it really hurts


Matt is so torn up by this. The conflict is fighting on his face. He wants to scream at me, but his better half is telling him not to. He's made a mistake by showing me his pain and conflict. I won't show mine to him. I've learned. I don't want to show him my weakness. He might use it against me to make me feel guilty.

I already feel guilty.

 And I can't even
Start to feel mine

He doesn't answer me. I didn't really expect him to. I'm not sure what to expect of him anymore. He's grown so far away from me. I can't bridge the gap. It's too far, and I can't even see the bottom. I don't want to yell at him. I don't want to scream. But at the moment, the only thing I want to do is grab his shoulders and shake him until he realizes he's out.

The realization hasn't hit him yet. He's out. He's no longer in the WWE. He's out. When the truth hits him, he's going to be so broken. I know it. I know him.

 And I'm standing in place
With my head first

I don't want to answer him. I don't know the answer. Truthfully, I wanted to be free. I didn't have control over what was happening to me. Control is important to me. For so long, I've been in control of my life. I like having that feeling. I like knowing where I'm going and what I'm doing is actually what I want to do when I want to do it.

Vince doesn't give me that anymore. He was driving us to a place I didn't want to go. I guess that's why I started missing everything. I didn't want to face what Vince was making me do. I suppose it's not really that bad. I mean, I was in the WWE! People would kill for that.

I guess that means I'm spoiled. I wanted something he wasn't willing to give and with that I began to slip.

And I shake, I shake, I shake
And I see your progress

Jeff loves his music. I don't understand this. Yes, I understand music heals, but Jeff doesn't have a wound to recover from! He should be perfectly happy. He has everything. His girlfriend is wonderful for him, he has the opportunity to make music in his free time, he has an excellent career.

I look at him again.

"Jeff, I can't believe this. You know that, right?"

 Stretched out for miles
And miles

Matt's angry with me. I don't like making him mad. I wish he understood how happy my music makes me. He just thinks it's a little past time I have. He doesn't understand how important this is to me. For my entire life I've wanted to make music. The only thing that kept me from that was my wrestling. I love the business, there's no doubt about it. I just needed a break.

And then Vince dropped the bomb: if I didn't agree to come back, he would let me go.

I think he was a bit backhanded that I had left like I did. Yes, he granted me the time to leave, but I don't think he expected me to take so much time. Frankly, he was getting worried. The fans wanted Jeff Hardy. He couldn't deliver.

I can't tell you how hot I was when he gave me that ultimatum. He had given the damn Rock months to make his movies! He couldn't even give me nine. He couldn't even give me six. I was so angry. It came down to me then.

I didn't tell Matt about Vince. He would have pressured me, and I needed to make the decision on my own. At that time I decided I needed to have control over my life again. I needed to be able to decide where I went and when.

That's when I cut the plug.

You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight?

I sit down on the couch next to him. We're at his house. It's my day off. He didn't tell me before today. I walked in with Amy, happy to see him. I only get to see him once a week. He asked if he could talk to me in a dead voice. I looked at Amy, and she just shrugged. He asked if he could speak to me alone, which really sent me on edge. Something was wrong. Amy went back to my house.

When he told me it was like a bomb dropping on my ears. I just looked at him. And then I finally asked him why.

He didn't answer. He still hadn't answered. I asked him again. Why?

This the sound that I make
These are the words I chose

"Matt," I finally said, dropping a shade of anger. "Stop trying to understand. You just have to know I did what I did because I wanted to. I had my reasons. Vince gave me a choice I couldn't have. He gave me something I didn't want."

"But you need this, Jeff!" Matt told me. "Why would you quit?"

"I didn't quit, Matt!" I snapped. "I chose the other route."

"For you music?" he asked in a sneer.

"Yes, my music!"

 But somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out

It was an odd moment when he actually confirmed it. I looked at him and into his eyes. They burned. I'm not very good with my words like Jeff is, but his eyes burned me. They were alive with something like fire. I knew my eyes were hurt, but Jeff sent me a streak of something I didn't know. I just looked at him. I didn't know what to say.

Somehow his eyes made me understand. I saw the desire in his eyes. I saw that he wanted something from me besides my attention. He wanted me to understand, yes. That was clear enough. Something else, however, was in his eyes but I couldn't understand it.

"The only thing," he said suddenly, "I want is to please you. Matt! You don't understand."

I looked at him, shocked.

Cause you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight?

For all my life I have fought for Matt's approval. It hurt me that he didn't approve of what I was doing. It hurt me that he didn't understand everything I did, I wanted him to approve. I know it's corny, but Matt and I are extremely close. I know he likes me and he loves me, but I'm not always sure if he likes what I do. I know I scare him when I take risks, but I also know it's what makes me, me.

"Matt, please," I said. "I just want you to understand. I want you to just say, "well, good job, Jeff. You're doing what you want to do." I don't suppose you're going to say it now, though, are you?"

He just stared at me and I knew I shouldn't have spoken. When it all boiled down, yes, I had quit for me, and yes, I hadn't thought of Matt in the process. But now that everything was done and I couldn't change it, I wanted him say, "okay." I just wanted him to say that word.

A light went off in his eyes and he sighed. He looked at me, and he smiled.

"Jeff, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to do what you have to do. It doesn't matter if it makes me unhappy as long as it makes you happy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I could barely believe my ears. He was okay with it?

"You know I said that to make you feel better," he suddenly said hastily. "Right? You know I'm proud of whatever you do, right? You understand that, right?"

I looked at him. I closed my eyes once. Things weren't clear between us. I don't think they ever will be again. In leaving the WWE, I had broken something inside of him that couldn't be fixed. I know I hurt him, but nothing as ever seemed more right.

"Yeah, Matt," I said. "Right."

 You're laughing out loud

At just he thought of being alive

And I was wondering

Could I just be you tonight?