Hello, this is my new story, and it's called Unusual You! What it is a dedicated collection of one shots that will contain an assortment of the most disturbing and never before seen couplings in Glee history, and to start it all off, we have Santana Lopez and Ken Tanaka as our lead romantics, and we will see how they get together. This story uses a lot of intentional irony, so if you think it's kind of silly, that's the goal. I HATE making this M, it's actually not that racy, I am only doing this to be safe, there are no explicit sex scenes or anything of that nature. That being said, the song is Peacock by Katy Perry, so it does get a little bit steamy. I hope you enjoy!
Santana Lopez had just finished making out with some freshmen lacrosse player, the feeling of fulfillment still on her lips, when she decided now would be a good time to go back to the choir room to pick up the sheet music she left by the piano. Santana was becoming more and more frustrated with these high school boys who seemed to be only interested in sex, but not sexy themselves. Why was it that she had to be the only thing spicy in these little hookups that she kept finding herself having? Just last week she fell asleep while having phone sex, later explaining that he blew her mind so much that she passed out, but really having been so exhausted from dealing with immature little boys who didn't know how to please a woman. She was a strong, mature girl who needed a powerful man to stand at her side. As she walked towards the choir room, she could hear the faint sound of a pulsing beat and a man's voice, but amounted that to her tiredness, so just kept on walking in, thinking of how badly she needed a masculine figure in her life that would rock her world. That's when she saw him. There he was, Ken Tenaka, in all his glory, dancing his heart out to Miley Cyrus' 'Can't Be Tamed', booty shaking and all, gyrating and groping with each passing syllable, tossing the hair he did not have; the only thing more shocking was how turned on Santana was at the sight of it. The way his bleached white knee high socks complimented his chunky calves, his thunder thighs shaking like a firm container of gelatin, the breathtaking rise and fall of what could only be described as his 'moobs', and the rippling of his arm fat, a sight only comparable to a sunrise reflecting off of a cottage lake. Santana was completely and utterly stunned by this immaculate site, and she knew more than anything that she had to have him, but if she wanted to succeed, she would have to be sneaky.
"I don't understand, Santana, how could this happen?" Dave Karofsky looked just about ready to explode, and while the Latina looked completely devastated on the outside, she was enjoying every bit of this trick as much as possible. After more than one sexual encounter with the boy, she knew just how dense he was, so she figured if this plan was going to work, she could exploit him like the useless toy he was.
"I told you, the sex we had was so hot that it melted the condom, and now you have my STD. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but it's curable, really." Karofsky was now all ears, and anticipated the plan for his recovery. "It's simple, all you have to do is take a bath in a garlic at roughly three thirty today, and you'll be fine." He sighed in relief loudly, but then was interrupted by a more than cunning Santana. "But, the way this works is that it can pass really easily, like sharing a locker room with someone could give someone the same illness. So you need to tell your guys to take this garlic bath, or their junk is going to fall off." She figured death wouldn't mean as much as to someone as barbaric as him, so she thought she'd throw that in there, and it worked.
"Great, thanks for telling me, Santana, I'll go tell the guys. And if you see coach, tell him where we are, I'll even leave him a note or something." Santana politely said goodbye, not before smacking his firm rear end, and realizing just how badly she wanted that behind to belong to the middle aged coach. She pulled out her amazingly well organized plan sheet, and reviewed how everything was going. Getting the all of the guys to skip practice today had gone amazingly well, and as a bonus, they were going to tell Ken the exact same excuse she would use. All she had to do was grab a hold of this note, and she was all good.
Everything with Santana's master plan had been going great, until she found out the moronic jock had placed his note on the inside of Ken's office through the crack in the door, where she couldn't retrieve it. Her only hope was to find a way to get in there that would prove quick, efficient, and untraceable. It was then that she saw Ms. Pillsbury walk by, and she knew what she had to do.
"Hey, Ms. Pillsbury? Can you help me with something?" The tiny red head turned to face her with a look of alarm on her face. Emma, although a grown woman, was a little bit intimidated by Santana, who always walked around in a manner that was beyond sexual, and a little bit scary. Her apparent bisexuality made her a likely suspect for jumping her then and there, and while she wasn't homophobic in the slightest, it was more the chance the latina would give her any sort of bacteria scared her quite a bit. But it was her job to give guidance to the students, so out of obligation, she approached Santana.
"Yes, what do you need help with?" Santana hated talking to this woman. Not only did she make Brittany release her bird into the wild again, but she always seemed so stiff and uptight. Not to mention her habit of stealing away two of the most crust worthy teachers at the school, well, at least for her. But her strange obsessive compulsions would prove to help her get the plan in action again, so she had to do it.
"I was wondering if I could see the classroom master key, just to see the design." Ms. Pillsbury looked at the girl suspiciously, but figured it seemed pretty harmless, so gave her the key. Santana smiled gratefully, but then her smile turned into a small frown, and then a scowl, and then suddenly, her mouth was wide open and spilling the contents of her lunch all over Emma Pillsbury. It took everything she had to not smile at the talent she taught herself as a Cheerio to throw up on demand, because there was absolutely nothing that wasn't hilarious about the sight of the woman who had thrown off her high heels and run into the distance, crying hysterically. Just as she had hoped, in a fit of hysteria, she had forgotten she had left her key with Santana. Amateurs...
Santana was now walking into Lima's hospital through the backdoor, smiling to herself as she went over the adjusted note in her head. Now the note said something along the lines of the guys having gone to get decontamination showers at the hospital, and that Mr. Tanaka was at risk as well. Now, unless he was as stupid as he was unhygienic, it was a near certainty that he would be arriving any second now. Santana pulled out the lined paper that scrawled 'Out of Order' to put on all but one shower door, which meant that sooner rather than later, Ken would stumble into, unsuspectingly, a room where he would find Santana ready to seduce the man to the point where he would crumble into nothing. She undressed at the rate of someone who has slept with half of the school, and then proceeded to wrap a white skimpy towel around her chest that ended at her upper thigh, a technique one Nicolette Sheridan had taught her from her infamous commercial a few years back. This time, though, the tables would turn, and oppose to a middle aged woman being unrealistically stalked by a hot young man, two people, gorgeous in their own right, would meet in the shower steam and passionately make love like pheromone injected gorillas at the zoo. It would be magical, and then, he walked in, the sweat dripping down his brow making him look even more heart stopping.
"What, where are the guys, what's going on? Santana?" With the precision of a Glee club member, she promptly hit the play button of her stereo, and begin to play with the towel that was barely covering her body, but revealing her well toned legs, and sang.
"I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock."
The thumping 'Hey Mickey' like beat felt a little too 'hollaback girl' for her taste, but she knew that the theme would get his heart racing, and hopefully his pants dropping.
"Word on the street, you got somethin' to show me
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery
I'm intrigued, for a peek,
Heard it's fascinating
Words are mislead
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it's beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a bow"
Around the first half of the verse, she began to see a change in the stance of the sweaty man. Oppose to a look of pure confusion and uptight irritation, he now looked at her with unbridled want, and his stance now resembled a neanderthal who was going to steal a young woman from an opposing tribe.
"I want the jaw dropping, eye popping, head turning, body shocking
I want my heart throbbing, ground shaking, show stopping, amazing."
She used as many teasing moves as she could come up with, thrusting in a way that was nothing in comparison to Ken's 'Can't Be Tamed' moves, but definitely made him hot under the collar. Santana took short, seductive steps towards the man, until her arms were around his shoulders, and she almost lost all control and kissed him; instead, though, she sang into his ear while playing with stroking his thick arm fat.
"Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy, I bet it's beautiful,
Come on baby let me see
What you're hiding underneath."
Ken suddenly reached for his shirt, and threw it over his head, leaving her to stare at his toned chest. Six packs were for wimps, Ken however, had a pure gut made of a good diet of high fat KFC and Pizza Hut. She wanted a real man, and she was about to get it.
"Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
brake me off, if you bad, show me how's the boss
need some goose, if you lose, come on take a shot."
Santana almost wished she hadn't done this, that she had waited for a romantic candlelit dinner to give a heartfelt confession of her true emotions. She wanted to do it right, but then again, she just wanted to do it at all, so this would have to satisfy her for now.
"Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath."
Then, Ken's pants were down, and his far too tight white briefs didn't leave much to the imagination, but she knew that she wanted more, and he gave it. Then, in the middle of the shower, it was there, and she felt at home with the strongest, most masculine man she had ever known.
"Oh my god, no exaggeration,
Boy all this time spent was worth the waiting,
I just shed a tear, I'm so unprepared,
You've got the finest architecture
End of the rainbow looking treasure,
Such a sight to see
And it's all for me."
She felt herself being thrust into his arms, and they were passionately making out under the shower head, and Santana Lopez finally knew she had found her true love for the first time. She had told Finn after twenty or so times that he would feel satisfied, but everything before now paled in comparison to how she felt with his rolled fat surronding her wet skin.
"Oh my god!" Emma Pillsbury had come to the hospital to get Santana's washed off, and now, she found herself looking at her ex-fiancee and sixteen year old student on the floor of the hospital decontamination shower. Santana laughed to herself as she watched Emma run for her life for the second time today, and so did Ken, the vibrations of his laughing stomach making her feel at peace. After it was all done, Santana looked into Ken's eyes, and saw that behind all of that undeniable beauty, there was a real man. She couldn't help but think that she herself may not be worthy of someone so magnificent, but now he was speaking, and she couldn't wait for the words this amazing man would say.
"That was great, Santana, but I don't think we should do this again. I'm a little out of your league." Damn it.
Yep, the end of our incredibly awkward story. I hope you liked it, it was pretty darn funny to write, I love the Teenage Dream record, well, the ones that have leaked so far, and I had to use this. I can't say for sure what the next coupling is, but it'll be just as strange. Until next time!