A/N: Tess POV through Departure, canonish, dark and twisty and angsty, a different (much stronger) side of Tess than represented in My Torture. Lyrics are to By the Way by Hinder.
By the Way
In the winding down hours
I let your heart down again
What did I do to make a scene so gory?
I'm no better than the ones before me
There is blood on my hands, crimson streaks on the perfectly pale pink skin, and I wonder why they're so still, why they aren't shaking on the outside like I am on the inside. I did this. I got inside his mind and I twisted it all around, pushed and pulled until he was my little meat puppet as Nasedo used to say, those warm blue eyes blank and hollow as he did my bidding.
It wasn't supposed to kill him. I knew it would hurt him; I won't lie and say I didn't. I knew it was wrong. I even knew that if I had asked, as a friend, he probably would have helped me. But that wasn't how I was designed, that wasn't what my mind had been twisted to do, and even now, I can't say that I would do things differently, that I could do things differently. Humans like to talk about Nature versus Nurture, well I don't have either on my side and while that small, human part of me that stubbornly refuses to die wants things to be different, they aren't.
So I stare at the blood on my hands as Kyle carries him to the trunk, mesmerized by the physical evidence of the lines I've crossed, the bonds I've broken, the life I've taken, and know that somewhere, Nasedo is smiling.
Old habits die hard
I always end up hating the end
What did I do to make a scene so gory?
I'm no better than the ones before me
There was blood on his hands, dried rusty streaks he hadn't bothered to wash off as he sat at the table, reading the files he'd taken from the presumably dead FBI agent while I made dinner. I wondered if he even noticed it was there, if it was done on purpose, another lesson, or if to him the whole world was stained with blood and he was just blending in. He glanced up, eyes dark and hollow and endless and I turned back to the pasta I was straining without a word.
I'd learned not to comment about the things I saw, both with my eyes and my other senses, and had perfected the art of looking at him without really seeing him, something that had proved useful with the human children at school as well. If I didn't see them, I had no desire to befriend them, and remaining cold and aloof was easier, safer, for me, and for them.
After dinner was served and we both sat at the table, silently eating the food I had prepared with ruthless precision, even though he couldn't taste it, he looked at me again, waiting until I actually saw him, before twisting his lips into a cold smile. "Pack your bags tonight, Ava, it's time for the Nelsons to die. Ed and Tess Harding have a trip to make, and Tess has a very nice surprise waiting for her."
I'm in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you scream
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming at me
And by the way
What made you think you'd have it your way?
His hands wrap around my neck, amber eyes burning maniacally as he yells almost incoherently about lies and Nasedo and murders, and even as my eyes artfully widen, tears glistening on their blue surfaces, I feel like laughing. He is so innocent and so clueless and so everything I have never been, and part of me wants to put him a glass jar where he can remain that way forever, while the rest of me wants to twist him and taint him until he is just like me.
Had he really thought it would be that easy? Had he really been so naïve? He has his perfect life, his perfect family, loving parents, sister who would never consider betraying him, best friend who's screwed up just enough for him to prove he is better. And then there's her, the little human girl, damsel in distress, giving him that final veneer of suburban normality. What a joke.
We aren't human, we aren't normal; we are so far from perfect that Satan himself would be in awe of our peoples' capacity for destruction. And he actually thinks that I am the problem, that I am the one giving him those feelings, those visions, awakening those instincts that are wreaking hell on his 'human' side. Poor little alien boy, he has no idea what life has in store for him, or how short that life is going to be.
And by the way
By the way
Don't say I didn't warn you
That I'll always stay the same
They all look so shell shocked, standing there frozen as if their lives have ended, even Michael who's seemed the most enthused about learning the truth of our heritage, earning my pity for his hopeful ignorance. It is the human who breaks the silent tension, predictably fleeing from the reveal of Destiny - of a fate that has no place for human loves or human companions, only human tools.
She is the smart one, running away from something too big for her, and I watch as Max tries to follow, Michael stopping him, and then we are all huddling together, silent under the weight of the past and the future, the three of them looking to each other for comfort and answers while I stare at the still running figure vanishing into the desert, wondering for one tiny moment, what my life would have been like had our roles been reversed.
But what ifs are another purely human conceit, so I turn to the others, smiling confidently like the guiding Queen I am supposed to be, and silently prepare myself for trying to corral three stubborn and clueless alien hybrids onto the path I need them to follow.
Speechless and frozen
Uncomfortable silence again
What did I do to make a scene so gory?
I'm no better than the ones before me
He stands silently before me, mind open and honest and ripe for the plucking and I hesitate only a moment before slipping inside, planting instructions and memories and compulsions, a suggestion here, an emotional response there, until he's ready, and only light maintenance will be required to keep the warp in place. It is easy, as easy as breathing, and I feel a brief glow of satisfaction when I disengage my mind from his and feel the tether of the now permanent bond between us. Nasedo would be proud.
It may seem odd, even human, but I am proud of my skills, unmatched by any on Earth other than Nicholas, and surpassing the abilities I possessed on Antar, the human DNA tainting my genetics serving their purpose of enhancing my powers. I have earned my mental prowess by training since I hatched and found not my 'family' but Nasedo waiting for me, and while it has served me well here on Earth, it is on Antar where I will rely on those skills to keep me alive.
Alex goes to his computer to begin creating the documents he will need to pull of his cover and I smile almost fondly at him before turning and walking out of the house and climbing back into my car, turning the wheel towards the desert instead of the Valenti house. I have other preparations to work on.
I'm in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you scream
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming at me
As soon as I see his tall lanky frame, radiating desperation I don't need our bond to feel, I know something's gone horribly wrong, that the pressure was too much, and that my time is running out while his has come to an end. I slip energy into his mind as he sobs brokenly, screaming about the things I've done to him, trying to heal it even though I know it's too late and that I shouldn't waste power I might need later.
It is too late and he falls, body thudding against the floor with a finality that echoes in my head like a prison door clanging shut and part of me wonders distractedly when I got so melodramatic while the alien side, the smart side, takes over and cleans up the mess, using Kyle, moving Alex, and plotting the cover up that will enable my plan to continue.
Because Alex dying isn't an end, not for me, it's just a speed bump, no matter how callous that sounds, and a speed bump that must be dealt with before more bodies start piling up, including my own.
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you'd have it your way?
And by the way
By the way
Don't say I didn't warn you
That I'll always stay the same
He stares at me, those beautiful amber eyes wide with that shocked, innocent look I've become so accustomed to, and I force tears to well in my eyes before I give into the urge to slap him across his perfectly chiseled jaw. If this had been anyone but me, if he'd impregnated his darling human love, he would have been utterly useless, and even though I've carefully kept him this clueless, the small sliver of me that's just a girl, a girl who now has an innocent life growing inside of her, wants him to be more.
This has been the plan all along, despite the mishaps, the losses, everything has finally fallen into place and I just have to play my part for a little while longer, but something about the baby being real, instead of just a concept, a bargaining chip, my ticket off this planet and my guarantee of survival, is making my human side stronger.
And, like my dominant alien side, that inner human girl is stubborn as hell. I find myself just connecting with the small consciousness inside of me, listening to the barely aware murmurings that don't even qualify as real thoughts, and smiling. It disturbs me and I focus on the plan, falling back on lies and my impeccable acting ability as I manipulate my clueless lover, as I 'suffer' on this planet that is killing me.
Battered and bruised
Broken confused
It's time we both knew
Can't stop what I started
This time we both lose
I am furious and ashamed that his human love, his damsel in distress who should be off having vapors or burning his picture or something, figured out what happened, after I've already lost Michael. The baby is still my bargaining chip, and Max is no more capable of keeping me here than he is of seeing truth when it's staring him in the face, but not bringing Khivar his anticipated sacrifice, or his anticipated lover, will seriously hurt my potential standing in the court, and although it had never been a part of my plan, I now want to be in my son's life for as long as I can.
So I lash out, words true and cruel and feelings more so as I pour my hate and disgust and pain down the link we forged the night we had sex, including every connection I've made with our son, before severing the bond viciously and permanently.
He stumbles back, eyes dark with anger and betrayal and pain and I feel briefly victorious as I am transported into the cone. But I know, that unlike mine, his anger and pain won't last, he'll go back to his love, to his family, to his normal, perfect life, and pretend that everything's okay until he actually believes it, which won't take long, not for him. If only I found self delusion so easy.
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you'd have it your way
And by the way
By the way
Don't say I didn't warn you
That I'll always stay the same
I close my eyes as the energy of the Granilith powered transport flows through me, so powerful it's painful, a soothing burn in my veins and on my skin. I feel numb, empty. Now that my plans have come to fruition, now that I am finally leaving the planet I have resented since my unusual birth to return to the planet I have dreamed of since before my eyes first opened, my constant need to act, to plan, to do, has faded, leaving nothing in its wake.
I know that some would take this moment for self evaluation, for a deep soul-searching revelation, but to me it is merely a moment to breathe, for the first time in eleven years, and for the last time in this life, however long that might be. I am strong, I am skilled, I am more alien than human, but I know that I am not prepared enough for Antar, for court, for intrigue and power on a scale that would melt the minds of those I am leaving behind.
But, prepared or not, I will survive, and more than that, I want to thrive, for my own sake, and in a twist I was definitely not expecting, for my son's sake. The steps I took in Roswell, the manipulations, alliances, murder, are the fumbling moves of a child, and the moment I arrive at my destination, I must become an adult. So I close my eyes and breathe, soothing my racing thoughts with the innocent warmth of my son's, erasing all traces of Tess Harding until once again I am Ava – woman, warrior, queen.
Somewhere, Nasedo is smiling, and when I open my eyes to see the vivid, crimson Antarian sky, I smile back.
I'll always stay the same
Battered and Bruised
The same, broken confused, the same
I didn't warn you that I'd always stay the same