Author's Note: The unfortunate result of spending the weekend touring a college and trying to get over my own sore throat in time for a musical audition on Monday only to get laid out with the stomach flu as soon as I got back. Ah, the ironic world we live in.
Season: Anytime after Jolinar's Memories/The Devil you know when Sam's a Major, Jack's a Colonel, and neither Daniel nor Janet are dead.
Spoilers: Thor's Chariot, Fair Game, Jolinar's Memories, and The Devil You Know
Pairings: Some S/J if you choose to look at it like that.
Jack's thoughts are in italics and his cue cards are in bold.
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Sore Throats
Chapter 1: Jack
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Beep, beep, beep, be-smack.
Jack stared at the offending alarm clock, highly annoyed. The force he'd put behind his attack at the snooze button had knocked the thing to the floor where it sat staring the time at him.
He had half a mind to go back to bed for awhile, but apparently he'd already done that twice, judging by the time, although he couldn't remember waking up before.
He sat up and yawned, scratching at his head, then stopped contemplatively. He opened his mouth, then closed it again and rubbed at the sides of his neck. He attempted to clear his throat but stopped when he realized just how much that hurt and settled for swallowing instead, which was only slightly better.
Finally, he called out "Testing, 1, 2, 3" to his bedroom, or at least he tried, all that actually made it out were some random, choppy sounds that didn't bear any resemblance to what he'd been trying to say.
He had no voice, none, whatsoever, nada. For crying out loud, no, not out loud…damnit.
A nagging voice at the back of his mind that sounded like a suspicious cross between Doctor Fraiser and his mother informed him that hot tea would help, but he chose to ignore it, he hated that stuff and this'd clear up soon enough. He showered and changed, all the time testing his voice, but to no avail, by the time he left he was even worse off than he'd been when he woke up.
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"If there's nothing else then, Colonel," General Hammond said, wrapping up SG-1's briefing.
Jack merely shook his head, prompting the General to look at him suspiciously. He'd been awful quiet all briefing. Come to think of it, Hammond wasn't quite sure he'd spoken at all.
"Are you all right, Jack?"
A nod, something was definitely up, and no one was leaving until he got to the bottom of it.
"Colonel?" the General asked menacingly, tactfully not making an explanation an order but simultaneously reminding the man of his rank.
Jack sighed. He'd managed to make it all morning without saying anything, a record for him. It was actually kind of fun glaring down anyone in the halls who looked like they wanted to talk to him, but he could go without staying holed up in his office.
The General was staring at him pointedly, and he knew there would be no getting out of this, so he opened his mouth in an attempt to speak; only managing a small squeak. He clamped his mouth shut and glanced around the table, attempting to quell the rising embarrassment. Hammond was still staring at him, along with everyone else, so he cleared his throat and tried again.
"I've got a sore throat, sir," he managed, barely.
The effect was instantaneous and not the one that Jack had expected. Everyone around the table tensed, looking at him with confused horror and the airmen stationed around the room all had their guns trained on his head and chest. It took Jack a moment to figure out what they were so afraid of; due to his sore throat, his voice had sounded considerably deeper than usual, enough that he might be mistaken for a Goa'uld, but only to the untrained ear. He chose to give his companions the benefit of the doubt and assume he had merely caught them off guard.
Jack cleared his throat again and croaked, "It's me, I'm just sick."
"Major?" General Hammond asked.
"I don't sense anything, sir," Sam replied.
"Escort him to the infirmary, just to make sure," the General ordered.
"Yes, sir," Sam said, getting up.
An airman followed them all the way there and remained posted at the door, gun in hand. Doctor Fraiser checked his neck for entry scars, gave him a CAT scan, and performed a throat swab, then came back fifteen minutes later to inform him that he had a sore throat.
Thanks, I never would have guessed that.
She then prescribed hot tea for him and, upon seeing the disgusted look on his face, assigned Sam to make sure he actually followed her orders.
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They ended up in the commissary at the exact time Jack preferred to avoid it, the transition between morning and afternoon shifts, where everyone on base seemed to be either coming or going and the room was incredibly crowded. If he'd been able to speak, Fraiser and Carter would have gotten an earful. Jack and Sam cycled through the buffet; Sam making sure that Jack actually got tea and not coffee, then sat down. They were rescued from their silence by Daniel and Teal'c, who arrived a few minutes later, although Jack soon decided that he would have rather been left alone.
"How's it going Jack?" Daniel asked, smiling impishly. "Glad to know you're not a Goa'uld. Very nice impression, by the way."
Jack glared at him.
Easy, Space Monkey.
"Honestly, I don't know if I've ever heard anyone who wasn't a Goa'uld talk that low, you should try going into a bar a talking like that, see what happens," Daniel continued, ignoring Jack's silent protests.
Bit too much coffee this morning?
"Daniel, you've been working on translating that inscription we found on P4R-358, right?" Sam asked, drawing the attention away from Jack. He glanced at her gratefully.
"Oh, yeah, it's coming along really well. It seems to refer to a meeting place where all the great minds of their culture used to go. They seemed pretty advanced before they were wiped out, if we find it, we might be able to gather some new technology," Daniel said excitedly.
Oh, of course, how stupid of me, the only thing that can get Daniel that pumped up was some human rights violation or an Earth shattering discovery.
Apparently, Daniel was not to be deterred and turned his attention back to Jack. "You know this is way more fun when you can't defend yourself."
Human rights violation!
"You might want to leave him alone, Daniel," Sam suggested.
"Just taking advantage of an opportunity," Daniel shrugged.
I've misjudged you, Danny-boy, all this time I thought you wouldn't attack those weaker than you. Guess I was wrong, I'm going to have to rethink my entire opinion of you.
"What do you figure he's thinking right now?" Daniel asked Sam and Teal'c. Jack smacked his hands to his head and rubbed his eyes and temples dejectedly.
Oh, for crying out loud!
"For crying out loud?" Sam suggested, observing his gestures. Jack stared at her
How'd she do that?
"He want's to know how I did that," Sam translated. Jack buried his head in his hands.
"What's that?" Daniel asked, looking at Jack.
"He's making a mental note to quit being so predictable," Sam replied. Jack sat up straight and stared at her.
"Now he wants to know when I became telepathic," Sam said. Jack attempted to make his face as impassive as possible but that didn't stop Sam. "A long but mild string of cuss words followed by the declaration to avoid thinking as much as possible."
Jack sighed as placed his chin in his hand. Daniel decided to take a stab at mind reading. "Is he thinking about getting back to work to avoid us?"
"Actually, he's still trying not to think," Sam said. Jack started scribbling on a napkin. When he finished she took the note, read it, and said, "Although I'm fairly certain he wants us to leave him alone."
"Oh, come on," Daniel said. "He does this to us all the time."
"I suggest we follow his request, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said stoically. "Although he may not be able to defend himself verbally he is still far your superior physically."
Jack gave Daniel a look which even he could translate correctly.
Excellent point, Teal'c.
"At least we don't have any missions for a few days," Sam said, once again trying to change the subject.
"That's true," Daniel added, catching on. "Then you'll have plenty of time to get your voice back before you have to be our fearless leader again." Maybe he hadn't gotten the hint.
Give it up, Daniel.
Suddenly, Jack was enveloped in a white light and disappeared.
"Irony," was all Daniel managed to squeak out as Sam ran and hit the alarm on the wall.
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Jack spun around in place, searching for the diminutive inhabitant of the ship. Instinctively, he made to call out for Thor to show himself, and the failed attempt earned him a fit of coughing.
Naturally, Thor chose that moment to materialize and stood watching Jack with a bemused expression on his face. When Jack had recovered sufficiently, or so Thor thought, the Asgard said, "Greetings O'Neill."
Jack clamped his mouth shut and waved his answer at Thor, who tilted his head and gave him a strange look.
"Are you well, O'Neill?" Thor asked.
Jack shook his head.
"What is the nature of your illness?"
Jack looked around desperately for a way to explain himself, then sighed and started trying to mime his condition to the alien. He didn't seem to understand; maybe the Asgard didn't get sore throats. Finally, Jack dropped down to his knees in front of Thor so they were eye to eye and whispered, "Can you bring Major Carter up here?"
Even this small effort sent Jack into another fit of coughing, where he remained as Thor moved to the control panel. A moment later, the room was bathed in light and Sam appeared, mid rant.
"-'re doing everything we can!" she yelled, then caught herself as she realized where she was. "Hey, I found you," she said happily, a little embarrassed.
"Major Carter," Thor said.
"Thor," Sam said, helping Jack up. "What's going on?"
"Colonel O'Neill requested your presence," Thor explained. "He seems unable to speak for himself."
"Yeah," Sam cringed, "he's sick, lost his voice, he can't talk at all."
"That is most unfortunate," Thor said.
"He'll get better in a few da…" Sam started.
"His negotiating skills are required," Thor informed them.
Jack and Sam looked taken aback, had he really just called the Colonel a skilled negotiator?
"Erm," Sam stammered, "are you sure you want him?" Ordinarily, Jack might have been offended by such a statement, but he happened to agree with her.
"Of course," Thor replied. "The Asgard council is in complete agreement; Colonel O'Neill is the best person for the job."
"What exactly is the job?" Sam asked.
"An Asgard protected planet has recently become advanced enough to solve the riddle of their Hall of Might and is now aware of our existence. However, the society was not ready for this knowledge. A civil war appears imminent."
"What do you need Colonel O'Neill for?" Sam asked.
"Since it was the Asgard who indirectly caused this conflict, it is our duty to attempt to prevent it," Thor replied. "However, we believe that having an individual of human form present during the talks will make those involved more receptive to our advice."
"You still haven't told us why you need Colonel O'Neill specifically," Sam pressed.
"As when we negotiated for Earth's inclusion in the protected planets treaty, I know O'Neill to be a skilled and strong leader and our preferred representative of Earth," Thor replied.
"That all doesn't change the fact that he can't talk," Sam reminded him. "What kind of timeframe are we working with here?"
"Speed is of the utmost importance," Thor said. "The situation on the planet could disintegrate at any moment."
"Is there anything you can do for him, then?" Sam asked.
"Nothing that has been tested on humans," Thor replied. "I cannot be sure of the results."
"Right," Sam sighed.
Jack poked her in the shoulder and caught her eye. Sam got the idea.
"Sorry, sir," she said. "What do you think?"
Jack changed his expression slightly.
"Good point, why don't I go report back to General Hammond and you can stay here and get caught up," Sam said. "If that's all right, of course," she added quickly.
Jack sighed, thinking no doubt of the fun he was sure to have getting reacquainted with diplomacy, but ultimately agreed.
"You can contact me with this," Thor said, handing Sam a crystal. "We will remain in orbit until we hear from you, but please make haste."
"Good luck, sir," Sam said. "I'll try to come up with a way to get around your little speech problem."
Sam was enveloped in a white light and disappeared.
"The planet in question is called Nameriat," Thor began.
Jack sat down and tried to get comfortable.
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Jack lit up when he heard Sam's voice over the ship's intercom.
"Thor, can you bring me and some gear up?"
"Standby," Thor replied.
A moment later Sam was standing in the center of the room, surrounded by a few cases. Jack's heart sank when he saw she was wearing her dress uniform and held a garment bag which most likely contained his own.
"Been busy, I see," she said, observing the piles of papers covered in scribbles occupying random places in the room.
Jack flipped through the pile nearest him, then held a paper up.
Yep
"Well, General Hammond approved the mission on the conditions that I come with you and that after the situation is resolved we see about trading with the planet, assuming we can find their stargate, of course."
"The stargate is in fact unburied and only a few miles away from the capital city," Thor informed them.
"All right, that was easy," Sam said.
Jack went through his papers again and pulled out another.
Sweet
"You know, sir, as great as this form of communication is, I don't think it will work so well on the planet," Sam said.
No
"Did you come up with anything else?" Sam asked.
Jack shook the sign pointedly.
No
"We did try the remedy I suggested," Thor said. "There was no improvement."
"Right," Sam sighed. "Well I don't think you're going to like my plan very much. You know those Tok'ra memory devices?"
Jack winced.
"Yeah, those," Sam continued. "They gave us one for study as thanks after the Netu incident. If we put it on you and hook it up to one of the display screens then you could communicate through your memories. If we keep it on a low setting then you should be able to prevent any random memories for being displayed, you'd just have to concentrate."
Jack went through his papers again, and, not finding what he was looking for flipped one over and wrote something on the back then held it up.
Fun
"Sorry, sir," Sam shrugged. "It's the best I've got."
"This is actually most fortunate," Thor said. "The way we can say that you are telepathic and incapable of normal speech, and that the memory device is the only means of communication between our two peoples."
"All right," Sam said, "but why bother? I thought the idea was to introduce a third party sympathetic to the Asgard but whom the indigenous people could relate to. It seems like this would only alienate them from us. Why can't we just tell them Colonel's O'Neill's sick?"
"Because the Nameriatans view illness as a sign of weakness. Even the most mildly sick are sequestered off from everyday society until they become well," Thor explained.
"Oh," Sam said, wisely keeping her opinions on the subject to herself.
"However, your concerns about further alienating the Nameriatans are duly noted. "Perhaps you could represent a portion of your population with the ability to speak. This way you could also explain anything Colonel O'Neill cannot relay through memories alone or explain any information he deems too complex to use the display for."
"I can do that, but I don't like how much we're going to have to lie to these people," Sam said. "We're supposed to be laying the groundwork for a diplomatic relationship."
Jack nodded his agreement
"A diplomatic relationship with a society that has destroyed itself will be impossible," Thor reminded them.
"Good point," Sam sighed.
Jack caught her eye and shrugged, Sam took the hint. "How am I supposed to communicate Colonel O'Neill's thoughts since we're not actually telepathic?"
"On several occasions now I have observed you and Colonel O'Neill carrying on conversations without him speaking, you would merely be required to do the same," Thor replied.
"But that's only general ideas," Sam said. "Sure it'd help, but won't talks like this require more tangible thoughts?"
"Do not humans have a means by which to communicate without words that would be suitable for this situation?" Thor asked.
Sam shrugged and said, "How's your Morse code, sir?"
Jack stared at her a moment then tapped out a rhythm against the floor.
"Mine too," Sam replied. "Although I'm fairly certain that S is dot, dot, dot."
Jack threw his hands up in despair.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Sam said with a smirk. "Daniel says to have fun."
I'm gonna kill that Space Monkey.
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They arrived at the planet an hour later then beamed down to a large meeting hall.
Jack narrowly resisted the urge to tug nervously at the collar of his dress uniform and fiddle with the memory device on his temple. Had the entire planet showed up? He hadn't expected nearly this many people.
Someone introduced Thor who introduced Jack and Sam. Everyone seemed to perk up at the sight of them and seemed even more interested when Thor said they were telepathic. For a group that was so xenophobic about the Asgard they didn't seem to have much of a problem with differences among those who were human in appearance.
The talk seemed to go on for hours, with Jack showing his memories of Earth's experiences with the Asgard. He learned to manipulate the device relatively well, but nevertheless still disconnected from it and asked Sam to explain about anything he couldn't get at without thinking of something dirty first.
The audience was finally starting to look convinced of the Asgard's benevolence when Jack sat back in his chair a moment, listening to Thor speak. Without thinking about it, he cleared his throat, then did it again. It didn't hurt! Unable to help himself, he spoke a few quiet words. They sounded just like normal. Thor's cure must have worked after all!
Much to the surprise of everyone present, Jack jumped up and cried out "Yes!" the display behind him jumping between memories.
Everyone, including Thor and Sam, were taken aback by the sudden outburst and it didn't take long for the inhabitants to become incensed with being lied to. It took all of Thor and Sam's skill and a few of Jack's best jokes to calm the situation down and apologize to their satisfaction, but they managed eventually. By the time the meeting was adjourned most people seemed convinced of the Asgard's honor and those who weren't didn't seem likely to take up arms about it.
Jack was almost ecstatic, although for different reasons. Now that he had his voice back, Daniel was going to get it, and he was never going to hear the end of it.