A/N: First of all, I highly respect Professor Tolkien. He started fantasy as a genre, he was a very imaginative man, and very influential in the world of literature. I love his works. He was a great author. I respect that The Silmarillion was his life's work. I'm warning any purists now, if all you plan to do is lecture me on the blasphemy of such a parody, don't even bother reviewing. I'm just having fun. And I hope you, dear reader, are entertained. Thank you.
Disclaimer: "The Silmarillion" and all related characters, locations, languages, etc. belong to the Tolkien Estate. I make no claims to it. This was not written for profit, only for my personal enjoyment.
Chapter One: Ainulindalë (Or, the Music of the Ainur)
In the beginning, there was only Eru. Eru was the one, the only, the head honcho.
And he was bored.
So he created the Ainur. Pretty much all the Ainur knew how to do was sing. So Eru had them sing. It sounded like an orchestra, because that was the kind of music he liked.
But there was one of the Ainur who did not like orchestra music, and his name was Melkor.
Melkor liked hip-hop. So one day he got it into his head that he was going to sing hip-hop music, instead of that boring stuff that the other dimwit Ainur sang. He started to sing.
Needless to say, Eru didn't like that.
As the other Ainur continued to sing, Eru started another chorus of music. It drowned out the hip-hop. Melkor's voice, however, gathered strength. The Ainur stopped singing as Eru made another wave of music sound through…wherever it was they were living. Melkor got louder. The third time, Eru succeeded in drowning him out.
Then, the music stopped.
"Now, come over here and look at what your singing made!" Eru said, leading his procession of Ainur to a big black hole called THE VOID. "That's what you guys did!" he said, pointing.
"Cool!" cried Manwë. "It's a little ball!"
Eru smacked his forehead. "That is Eä. It's a world and everything in it is mine. I want some of you to go down there to do some interior decorating so it will be nice when I decide to send some carbon-based life forms down there to live."
"Ooooh," said the Ainur.
"Yay," said Melkor monotonously, waving around a little flag with a ball on it that said "Eä".
"And no more trouble from you, little man," Eru said, pointing a finger at Melkor.
"Oh, no sir," Melkor said, grinning like a mischievous child. Except at that time, there was no such thing as a mischievous child.
"I hope so," Eru said. "So, who's going?"
"Me! Me!" cried all the Ainur, hopping around with their hands in the air.
Eru picked Ulmo (who was in charge of all things watery), Manwë (in charge of air, though he didn't realize that it was because he was an airhead), Aulë (who was in charge of all things made of rocks and dirt, otherwise known as earth), and Melkor (who was in charge of…actually, he wasn't really in charge of anything. He was just kind of…there.) because he was like a brother to Manwë, only a lot smarter. He also sent other Ainur, but they will be named in the next chapter.
The Ainur who went to Eä (or rather, the world shaped like a ball) were called the Valar. They set to work right away to make Arda (another name for Eä) as comfy as possible so that the carbon-based life forms – whatever they were – could have a nice, happy life.
Yeah, right.