Hi everybody! Mild Drapple here, and slightly crazed Pansy!
Oneshot
How to Break a Female Heart
In the wizarding world, there was a school named Hogwarts. And in Hogwarts, there was a house named Slytherin. And in Slytherin, there were many dormitories. And in one of the larger private rooms, there was a large, veiled four-poster bed. And on the bed, there were duvets and blankets. And under the mound, there lay two bodies
Two half-naked bodies, to be exact.
But it was all Draco could do not to leap out of bed, murder his girlfriend with a machete, and run naked around the school shouting "Eureka! Eureka!"
The main deciding factor in his restraint would be that he did not want any of his crazy fangirls to ambush him while he was lapping the schoolgrounds.
That would definitely result in them performing their most twisted fantasies on him. This was also one of the few things Draco feared. Malfoys were never powerless, but he would be bound and gagged. So, right now, Draco was praying to the Almighty Dick (his version of a holy being) to strike Pansy dead. Of course, his prayer went unanswered as The Dick must have been engaged in other activities(winkXD)
Draco felt like lying in bed all day. But his stomach had other plans. It growled. Very insistently. Groaning, he forced himself up and grabbed the first edible thing he saw, before flopping back onto the bed.
That foodstuff happened to be an apple. Lush, bright, crimson red, with spots of yellow here and there, it was perfect. Draco bit through the skin of an apple, revelling in the taste of the fresh juices pouring down his throat. Such a delicious apple…
"Draco Malfoy!" Pansy screeched. "How dare you perform intercourse with that bloody apple! Well, you bastard, here's a bit of good news- I BREAK UP WITH YOU!"
Pausing not to grab a towel to cover herself up, Pansy dashed out of his room.
From the common room came Blaise and Theo's anguished cries as they were forced to witness Pansy in her underwear, probably dashing back to her room. Such cowards, Draco thought. Do they know I have to endure that every day? Then again, her translucent bra and childish My Little Pony thong( Honestly? My Little Pony thong?) were quite a shocking pairing- literally. Their eyes are probably sizzling in hell by now, mused Draco.
Pushing thoughts of thongs and burning eyes to the farthest reaches of his brain, Draco grabbed a towel and dashed out to the Common Room.
"Mate, you shouldn't let your girlfriend loose! Look what she did to my eyes…" Blaise whined. His eyes had, incidentally, been rubbed red. "She's no longer my responsibility!" Draco managed to choke out before bursting into peals of laughter at Blaise's comical state. "What? Why?" Theo, not missing a beat, probed.
Draco grinned and announced, "Pansy broke up with me after I ate an apple…" The two boys faces contorted into near identical masks of confusion. Then Blaise got it.
"You mean she thought you were frigging the apple!" Draco nodded, causing all of them to break into guffaws.
That day, Draco Malfoy did not go to class. Why?
Draco was writing a detailed letter to a certain Almighty Dick, thanking him for the brilliantly underhanded method He had dealt with that issue.
And that is the reason why males think with their Dicks, to this day.
Done! Sorry everybody, this will only be a oneshot, but I do hope that you will consider pressing that little button down there to give me a review...
XD
-Tanzie