Title: Out of Sight, Never Out of Mind
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Pairing: Robin/Patrick
Category: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: I do this out of a love for this couple. No infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Today (4/21) episode and Monday's (4/24) episode. Picks up where we left off, include Monday stuff, then veers off into my own thing.
Summary: Following Robin and Patrick's encounter at his place and a discussion regarding their relationship, Robin makes a life-changing decision. Can Patrick do anything to change her mind?
Notes: Thanks to all who left feedback for "Wicked Games". I really appreciate it. This picks up where today's (4/21) show left off and has spoilers for Monday's (4/24) episode. Then it veers off in my own direction. It won't happen like this on show. Just something that I'd love to see. This started out as a one-parter but then got too long and flowed better as two parts. So, this will be my first Robin and Patrick story that's not a one-parter. Anyway, hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought. Thanks! -Steph
--- Out of Sight, Never Out of Mind: Part 1/2---
Patrick moved his lips to Robin's neck, smiling against her skin when he heard her moan in pleasure. She pulled back and looked down at him, her eyes clouded with desire. She undid the last button on her sweater and began peeling it off. He raised his arms up to help her, slowly sliding the sweater down her arms, their gaze never breaking. She smiled, as he took the sweater and swung it over her head. It landed with a soft thud against the closet and then slipped to the floor. She then dipped her head down and placed her mouth over his again, her tongue diving in search of his.
Although shocked by Robin's behavior the moment she walked in the door, Patrick had responded immediately. He felt like he couldn't get enough of her. He wanted to taste every bit of her. But it wasn't long before that little voice in his head that showed up every once in a great while began shouting at him.
He placed his hands on the sides of her face and then pulled back. His breathing shallow, he licked his lips and looked into her dark orbs. "What's gotten into you?"
"What's gotten into you?" she replied, surprised that he had stopped to ask.
She moved her fingers to the buttons of his shirt, but he caught her wrists in his hands and gently pushed her away.
He then moved out from beneath her and walked over to the couch to sit down. Robin stared at him for a moment, before following and sitting down beside him.
"What's going on, Robin?"
"I told you. I'm tired of hiding away from the world. I'm going to start living."
"And you decided this because of what I said to you this afternoon?"
Robin lowered her eyes. "Yes."
"So that's it then? Nothing else happened?"
"Why does there have to be anything else?"
"Well, for starters, no matter what I've ever said to you, you've never shown up at my apartment unannounced ready to tear my clothes off."
"Are you complaining?" she asked, as she took his hand in hers and laced her fingers with his.
He could feel the heat from her touch race up his arm. He shook his head to clear it. "I'm not complaining, not in the least. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've had a dream or two like this. I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Did you see your father?"
"I don't want to talk about him."
"I'll take that as a yes."
"You really want to talk about my father right now?" she asked, as her thumb traced circles on the skin of his hand.
"I think we have to."
"Well, I don't."
"Robin, you left to go see your father and the next time I see you your like a dog in heat."
Robin pulled her hand out of his. "Well, that's just lovely, Patrick."
"I'm sorry, but it's true."
"Fine, you want to know what happened?"
"Yes, I do."
"He's leaving again."
"I'm sorry." He shook his head. "But there must be more to it. What did he say to you?"
Robin blinked back tears. "Just really comforting fatherly stuff, that's all."
"Robin," he said.
She wiped at a tear on her cheekbone that had slipped by. "He said I don't live with passion. That I'm frigid and live a cloistered life."
Patrick's eyes widened and he rubbed at his mouth. "That was harsh."
"It's nothing you haven't said to me, but hearing it from my own father..." she said, her voice trailing off.
He smiled. "I don't think you're frigid. In fact, what was happening between us a few moments ago was the exact opposite of frigid."
She shook her head. "No, Patrick, it's true. It wouldn't have hurt so much if it weren't. It's just...I'm HIV positive. I can't afford to be spontaneous like other people."
"You have to be careful, Robin, but that doesn't mean you have to stop living. I don't think this is about your HIV. You've had a serious relationship since then, you even loved again. This is about taking a risk and the possibility of getting hurt again."
Robin nodded. "Maybe I just need to do it. Take the risk and forget about what might come after. I'm tired of worrying about consequences. I've lived with huge consequences of my actions for years. First, contracting HIV, then betraying someone I loved. It made me cautious. It made me scared to trust and it made me want to avoid getting hurt. I'm done, Patrick. I can't do it anymore."
She slowly leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips. Then she pulled back.
He met her eyes and asked softly, "And you think I'm worth the risk?"
Robin smiled and took him by the hand. She led him back to the bed. He lay back and then watched, eyes half-lidded, as she crawled to him.
She whispered, "Let's find out," before bringing her lips back down to his.
His tongue immediately plunged into her mouth, as he brought his hand to the back of head to deepen the kiss. He was just about to move his fingers to the buttons of her shirt, when he heard a knock at the door.
"Don't answer," she whispered against his lips.
"I had no intention of doing so," he replied, his voice muffled.
The knocking became more insistent. Then a voice rang out.
"Patrick? Patrick? Are you there? Did you forget we have plans tonight?"
Robin pulled back and glared down at him. "Who is that?"
Patrick squeezed his eyes shut and placed his hands over his face. "Oh God. It's Gwen."
"That gorgeous doctor? You had a date with her tonight? Were you even going to tell me?" she asked, her tone sharp.
"I.." he began as he looked up into her eyes, once dark with desire and passion, now clouded by anger and barely concealed pain.
And the side of him that he hated, the side of him that used one-liners in place of saying what he felt, overtook his mind. It was a defense mechanism. What a hypocrite, he thought. He was guilty of doing the same thing Robin does.
The truth was, he had completely forgotten about the date and had planned on spending the night watching television. Why couldn't he bring himself to just say that?
Instead he replied, "Well, I guess I thought we'd do this fast and be done before she got here."
The tears sprung to Robin's eyes and her lips curled in disgust. She shook her head. "Well, I guess I have my answer. Turns out, you're not worth the risk."
With that, Robin jumped off of him, grabbed her purse off the floor, flung the door open, and nearly knocked Gwen over in the process of storming out. Patrick dropped his head down onto the bed and squeezed his eyes shut.
---
Patrick sidled up to Robin, who was busy reading a patient's chart.
"So I can assume you're still angry with me."
"I'm not angry," she replied flatly, never looking up.
"I've apologized a hundred times and explained the situation, yet you've ignored me for a week. You'd think I'd be thankful for the peace and quiet, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment."
"If I were angry with you, I'd tell you so. I don't do cold shoulder."
"Actually, you do. And you do it really well."
Robin sighed and placed her pen down. "What do you want me to say, Patrick?"
"Say you'll give me another chance."
"Look, I may not have liked how you handled the whole Gwen situation, but, the truth is, I showed up at your place unannounced and I threw myself at you. I caught you off-guard."
"That's the understatement of the century."
"I'm sorry and I'm really not angry with you. At least not anymore."
"Then give me another chance. Have dinner with me tonight."
Robin shook her head, her eyes falling to the floor. "I don't think we should see each other anymore, Patrick. If that's even what we've been doing."
Patrick's mouth dropped open and his heart momentarily caught in his chest. "I don't understand. You just said you weren't angry with me."
"I'm not, but I can't do this. I realized something the other day. Maybe I do need to live more and take more risks, but there are some things that are just a part of who I am. I don't like casual. I like being in a relationship with someone. I like knowing that person is with me and only me. I understand that's not you, so I don't see any point in continuing something that won't go anywhere," Robin said, her eyes still unable to meet his.
Patrick could feel his throat tighten. How could it be he was losing something he never really had?
"So, that's it? Just like that, you decide I'm not worth the effort?"
"That's not what I said," Robin replied, her brow creasing.
"You didn't have to. You're right, I've never had a serious relationship before. And I have no idea what it takes to be a part of one. But that doesn't mean I don't have it in me."
Robin raised an eyebrow. "So, you're willing to stop seeing other women? You're willing to develop a relationship with me, one based on trust and respect? You can honestly say you're ready to do that right now?"
She stared at him, her eyes boring holes into his forehead. He licked his lips and lowered his eyes to the ground.
Robin pursed her lips, as she blinked back sudden tears.
"I didn't think so," she whispered.
She then turned on her heel and left. All Patrick could do was watch her go.
---
It had been over a month since Robin and Patrick's encounter. They carried on a civil and professional relationship. All banter and sparring was gone. They dealt with each other when they had to, saying as little as possible and making their points quickly and concisely.
Robin took a deep breath, as she turned to Patrick. They were sitting in the lounge doing some paperwork.
"I have something I need to tell you."
"Is it about a patient?" he asked, his eyes never leaving his work.
"No, it's about me."
Patrick turned to look at her, his eyes filled with concern. "Are you feeling okay? How's your t-cell count?"
Robin smiled and shook her head. "No, it's not that. I'm fine."
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I'm glad." He then lowered his eyes back to his work. "What then?"
Robin swallowed hard. "I'm moving back to France."
Patrick's head snapped up and his mouth fell open, as the air left his lungs. "What...what do you mean you're moving back to France?"
"About a week ago, I got a call from my supervisor at the hospital I worked at there. He offered me a grant in my field of research. I'll be able to do more than I was ever able to before."
"You applied for the grant?" he asked, his forehead creasing.
Robin nodded. "I heard about it and it sounded like a great opportunity."
"An opportunity that just happens to be in France," he said bitingly.
"Yes."
Patrick rubbed at his mouth. "So, you're moving back to France just like that? What about your position here? What about your family?"
"I'll miss my family, but we've always found ways to stay in touch. And General Hospital will do just fine without me. They've got you, remember?" she said, offering him a small smile.
"Right. They've got me," he said softly.
"This is a great opportunity for me, Patrick."
"I'm happy for you."
"You don't seem happy for me."
"If I knew how to do cartwheels, I would." He paused and then asked, "Just answer me one question. Did your decision to leave have anything to do with me?"
Robin's eyes widened. "God, you're so self-absorbed. This is about me. My life. My career."
"And I didn't factor into your decision at all?"
"No, not one way or the other."
"When did you apply for the grant?"
She lowered her eyes. "I actually applied late. I had to call in a few favors so my application would be considered."
"When did you apply for the grant?" he repeated, this time more sharply.
"About a month ago," she replied.
Patrick nodded and licked at his lips. "And you expect me to believe it had nothing to do with me?"
"Believe what you want, it's the truth."
"So, it just so happens that right around the time you decide I'm not boyfriend material you also decide to apply for a grant that would put you on another continent?"
"I didn't decide you weren't boyfriend material, Patrick. You did."
"You're running away."
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Of course it is. You took a chance and I hurt you. So, you decided I wasn't worth the risk. Now, you can't stand being near me if you're not with me. You figure the farther away you get, the easier it will be. Out of sight, out of mind."
Robin's eyes narrowed. "I didn't decide you weren't worth the risk. I gave you a chance, Patrick. I gave you a chance to let me know that you are worth the risk, that you are ready to grow up and be in a serious relationship, but you couldn't do it."
"And if I had said I was ready, what would you have done?" he snapped.
Robin opened her mouth, but didn't say a word.
Patrick nodded. "You wanted me to say I wasn't ready because then it put the blame on me and took it off you. It stopped being about your fear of taking a risk and started being about my fear of true intimacy. But even though you wanted it, expected it, hearing me say it still hurt. And then you couldn't live with knowing that's it for us. Seeing me everyday and knowing we'd never be more. So you decided to leave."
Robin sighed. "You know what? Just forget it. I'll obviously never be able to convince you that this has nothing to do with you, so I'm done trying." She paused and then added. "I leave in two days. I have a lot to do before then to get ready, so this is my last shift. Let's just make this good-bye."
She then stood up and walked out of the lounge. Patrick bowed his head and threaded his fingers through his hair, as he squeezed his eyes shut.
---
Elizabeth eyed Patrick, who seemed to be engaged in making notes on a chart, but, upon closer examination, was actually lost in thought.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
"I don't know, you just seem a little unfocused today I guess."
"Just tired."
Elizabeth nodded. "So, when does Robin's flight leave?"
She noticed his jaw tighten at the mention of her name.
"I have no idea," he replied.
"So you haven't spoken since her last shift?"
"We said our good-byes then," he said sharply.
"That doesn't sound like it went too well."
Patrick sighed in irritation. "I'm sorry, why do you care exactly?"
Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. "I can't help it. When I see someone who's miserable and not doing anything to make things better, I need to get involved."
"That's a nasty habit."
"Maybe so, but if I remember correctly you saw when I needed a little help and offered it to me. I'm just returning the favor." She bit at her bottom lip before going on. "Did you know that Lucky and I first met in high school?"
Patrick rolled his eyes. "I do now."
"We fell very much in love, but circumstances beyond our control pulled us apart. I then married one man and got pregnant by another. And even though we lived in the same town the whole time we might as well have lived thousands of miles apart. Except for one thing. I couldn't get him out of my heart. No matter how hard I tried. I used to tell myself that if it was meant to be, then it would happen. But then I realized that things don't just happen. The choices we make determine what happens in our lives. Lucky and I found ourselves reconnecting. We made a choice to try again. And here we are."
Patrick pretended to dry his eyes with his knuckle. "That was beautiful, really. An Oprah moment for sure. I just wish I could figure out what it has to do with me."
"You can make a choice to be miserable or to go after what will make you happy, Patrick."
Elizabeth pulled a slip of paper out of the pocket of her scrubs and handed it to him.
"What's this?"
"Robin's flight information. Like I said, the choice is yours."
Patrick watched her leave, before looking down at the piece of paper in his hand.
---
Robin taped the last box shut. She looked around at her bare apartment, shaking her head sadly. She had barely unpacked the last box when she had to start packing again. She hadn't even had time to make any memories in this place. Except for one, that is. Unfortunately, she didn't regard that memory fondly.
She could still see his face when he showed up at her door, looking incredibly handsome and holding flowers. Seeing him like that nearly made her lose her nerve, but she couldn't forget what she had heard. She had made a fool out of herself and insulted Patrick. She wanted to kick herself for her behavior. If she hadn't been so stupid and hadn't jumped to conclusions, then some wonderful memories could have come from that night. She and Patrick could have had a romantic dinner and could have learned more about each other. And who knows what else could have happened.
Maybe her lack of faith in him is what caused him to be so hesitant about starting something serious with her. The truth was she was scared to death to put her heart on the line again, to open herself up to the possibility of getting hurt. And every time she tried to take a risk with him, something happened to make her believe she was right to protect herself. That's why she had decided to end it before she got in any deeper.
He was right. When she asked him if he was ready for more, she knew he wouldn't be able to say yes...she was counting on it. Still, there was a piece of her that had hoped he might say he was and then, maybe, just maybe, she would have melted into his arms. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to help herself.
But he couldn't. And she couldn't stand the thought of seeing him everyday, watching him smile and flirt with every female he came in contact with, knowing that there would never be anything more for them. So she applied for the grant.
Robin sighed and stood up. Her landlord was going to send her boxes in a few days. She walked to the closet to make sure she hadn't missed anything. She opened the door, turned the light on, and stuck her head inside. Her eyes searched the floor and found it bare. She moved her gaze to the shelf above the rod. Her brow furrowed, as she noticed a small white envelope in the back right corner. She'd missed it the first time. She stood on her toes and managed to reach the envelope. She stared at the blank envelope, the flap tucked securely inside. And then it hit her. She remembered.
She pulled the flap out and stuck her hand inside. She took the item out and smiled fondly at it. It was the wrapper from the Fudge Mocha ice cream bar Patrick had brought her while she was recovering from the virus. It was probably silly, but she had saved the wrapper. It was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for her and to have it come from Patrick meant a lot. It said a lot. It told her that he paid attention when she thought he didn't. And it told her he cared. She just couldn't throw it away. So, when she got home, she took out an envelope and placed it inside. She'd almost forgotten about it until now.
She smiled as she put the wrapper back in the envelope and tucked the flap in. Then she walked over to her purse and placed the envelope inside.
She put her purse on her shoulder and picked up her carry-on. She walked to the door and gave the empty space one last look before leaving.
---
Patrick stopped in his tracks when he caught sight of her. She was seated, waiting for her flight to be called. Her back was to him, but he'd know her anywhere. He had a fleeting thought about turning around and walking away. But he'd come this far and he knew he had to see it through. He even had to buy a plane ticket in order to get to this point. There was no turning back now.
He took a deep breath and walked the remaining steps to her. He sat down beside her, not saying a word. She was so engrossed in her book that it took her a moment to notice him. She slowly turned her head, her eyes widening.
"Patrick? What are you doing here?"
"That good-bye the other day? It just didn't cut it."
"You came all the way down here to say a better good-bye to me?"
"No, I came all the way down here so I wouldn't have to say good-bye to you," he stated firmly, turning to face her for the first time.
Robin's brow furrowed. "I don't understand."
"Don't go," he said simply, his voice soft and his piercing eyes capturing hers.
Robin's mouth fell open. "Patrick-..."
"No, I'm not letting you go. It's as simple as that." He smiled and shook his head, "I know, racing to the airport to stop you from leaving is a completely Hugh Grant movie type of thing to do, but here I am anyway."
Robin fought the nearly overwhelming urge to fall into his arms.
Instead, her jaw tensed. "I'm leaving. There's nothing you can do to stop it."
"I don't believe that."
"Patrick, please don't make this any harder than it has to be...than it already is."
"Why not? Why shouldn't I make this hard? I'm not going to make it easy for you to walk away from me, Robin."
"You're acting as if I did something to you. I didn't do anything. We just want different things. We're ready for different things."
"You have no idea what I'm ready for."
"You've given me some indication." She shook her head. "Maybe there's a reason we could never get off the ground. Maybe we were never meant to be anything more."
"Well, then we have a problem."
She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
He met her eyes, his voice emerging huskily, "Because we already are more. You know that as well as I do." He swallowed hard. "Robin, I lo-..."
"Don't," Robin said, cutting him off, her eyes growing large and her throat tightening with emotion. Her bottom lip quivered, as she shook her head, "Don't say it."
Robin abruptly stood up and began to walk away, as tears sprung to her eyes. Patrick jumped up and caught her by the arm. He spun her around to face him.
"Damn it, I love you!" he said sharply, his eyes ablaze with passion.
The other passengers waiting to board were watching them with interest now, but neither of them noticed. They were lost in each other.
Robin shook her head, as tears streamed down her cheeks. "You don't know what you're talking about. We drive each other crazy half the time. We've never really been together. We don't even really know each other."
"I know everything I need to know." He licked his lips as he went on. "I never thought I'd fall in love. And I certainly didn't expect to fall in love with you. I'm not even sure when it happened. I didn't even realize it had until you told me you were leaving and I literally couldn't breathe." He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared. There's a reason I've never had a serious relationship and there's a reason I seemed to keep finding ways to sabotage any possible relationship we could have. I'm scared of having to trust someone completely and have them trust me. I'm scared of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable. I'm scared of the way you make me feel. I'm scared of not being enough and not being able to give you what you deserve. But nothing...nothing scared me as much as the thought of never seeing you again." He paused and took a deep breath, "And then I realized why. I'm in love with you, Robin."
Robin stared at him, shocked by his admission. Patrick raised his hand up and brushed a tear away from her cheek with his thumb.
He smiled. "I guess I finally figured out how to make you speechless."
She swallowed hard. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Say you love me, too," he replied softly.
Robin squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "I can't."
He could feel his heart begin to pound. "Why not? I know you feel the same. You wouldn't still be standing here if you didn't."
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is. Either you love me or you don't. You wanted to know if I was ready to be in a serious relationship with you, well, here's you answer. It took nearly losing you to realize that I am."
"What if that's all this is? Just a reaction to my leaving. Maybe you're not sure, but you've convinced yourself you are because I'm leaving and you may never get another chance. And then what, Patrick? What happens a week, or a month or even a year from now when you realize you weren't ready and this isn't what you wanted after all?"
"That won't happen."
"How do you know?" Robin wiped at her face roughly. "You can have any woman in this world, Patrick. Just walking through this airport, I'm sure every woman you passed couldn't take her eyes off of you. You wouldn't even have to say a word and any one of them would be yours. They wouldn't challenge you and they wouldn't fight you. And they sure as hell wouldn't come with my baggage. So why not them?"
"Simple. None of them are you." Robin squeezed her eyes shut as he went on, his voice filled with emotion. "I've never been with a woman who can drive me crazy in every sense of the word. Even when you make me want to tear my hair out, I find myself staring at you thinking how amazing you are. You don't let me get away with anything, which is a first for me. You challenge me, Robin. You talk about these other women as if they're somehow better than you, as if they're more worthy or deserving of me than you. Well, you're wrong. I'm the one who's unworthy of you."
Robin brought her hand up and caressed his cheek. "You're not."
He smiled. "Yeah, I am, but I'm hoping you'll overlook that fact and want to be with me anyway."
Robin lowered her hand and moved her gaze to the ground. "This isn't you, Patrick. This isn't who you are. You don't know what you're saying."
He shook his head sharply. "Yes, I do. For the first time, I can see myself being with a woman past a second date. I've never wanted to be with anyone longer than that. It's different with you. I can see it for the first time. I can see myself waking up to your face and falling asleep beside you. I want that and I didn't think I ever would."
She shook her head. "You don't really mean any of this. Tomorrow you're going to wake up and realize what a mistake you made."
He bit at his bottom lip. "We've been through this. You're scared. You're just as scared as I am. You've given your heart away twice and both times you got hurt, so much so that it made you want to protect yourself. It made you hide away." He took a deep breath. "I realize I haven't given you much of a reason to believe that things will be any different with me, but I'm here now and I'm asking you to give me, give us, a chance."
Patrick's gaze was so piercing Robin had to move her eyes to the ground. Just then, the attendant started calling rows to board. Patrick's pulse quickened. Robin raised her eyes and looked at her gate.
"They just called my row."
He shook his head. "You're not still going. You can't be."
Robin wiped at her face with the back of her hand. She then bent down to pick up her carry-on.
Patrick watched her with wide eyes. "Robin."
She looked up at him and stood on her toes, placing a soft kiss on his lips.
"Good-bye, Patrick," she whispered, her warm breath tickling his lips.
She then turned on her heel and walked away, never looking back. She knew if she did, she wouldn't have made it to the gate. For she would have been faced with the figure of a broken man, a lone tear rolling down his cheek, as he watched the best thing to ever happen to him walk out of his life.
-------
Part 2 of 2 coming soon...
Thanks for reading and please let me know what you thought! -Steph