This is a scene from a longer story that I have growing in the deep, dark recess' of my mind. I don't intend that story to be in the first person but for now I thought it worked well for this scene. So, without giving too much away, Murdock has been cornered by some people he knew in Vietnam and as a result is forced to make a difficult decision. Set between series 4 and 5.
How do I say 'I love you'? Those words sound so simple on their own, but put together with what I know now, I just can't say it. Her blue eyes are searching mine trying to figure out why I'm doing this. The tears streaking down her face don't make it any easier.
My fingers are twitching by my sides as I'm fighting the urge to wipe her cheeks, run my hands through her hair and kiss her until I can't tell where I end and she's begins. We could run away to some exotic island and hide from the world. For the briefest of moments I imagine that that's exactly what we've done; I can smell the ocean and feel the sun on my face…
The last few weeks are clearly beginning to take their toll. My heart sinks with the sudden jolt back to reality and the sight of the beautiful, broken woman in front of me.
I've done this to her. I promised something I could never give. I wanted something I could never have. My past reared its ugly head, bared its fangs and tore through the calm.
How do I make her understand that in the long run its better this way? How do make her see I'm sacrificing myself for her? How do I say 'I love you'?
I bite my lip and force myself to think of the worst possible scenario. She's dead. She's dead because of me.
Now I know I'm doing the right thing. The hurt now isn't as bad as the hurt would be later. I remember them, the people who have been watching my every move. I remember when they asked me if I knew someone by the name of Kelly Stevens. I remember the despair that filled me when I realised that I would have to stand here and do this.
How could I justify putting her in danger? How can I let her walk into that kind of life? How can I say 'I love you'?
With a swallow, my doubt is forced down somewhere so deep inside me, for a second I forget that it even existed. With as much conviction as I can muster, I say, "I'm leaving."
The sob that leaves her throat slices through my newly found assurance and the next words come out with a slight wobble to them.
"You're gonna have to forget about me. I'm just a stupid fool. I'm just a crazy man, seein' things that ain't there."
She's gone and I'm staring at a door. She didn't slam it, just turned and left, weeping as she went. I wish she'd slammed it in my face, or slapped me; anything to give me that physical closure. Instead I let loose with everything I've been holding within. My own tears fall, bile rises in my throat and before I realise what I've done my knuckles are bleeding. The mark on the wall from where my fist connected is faint. I feel compelled to turn that smudge into a bold, bloody sign of my rage. But as soon as my hand tenses again the pain shoots through my bones and I stop dead in my tracks.
Suddenly I'm tired and all I can think of is getting back to the VA and crawling under the starched bed covers to retreat from reality for a few days. It's tiring work breaking someone's heart.
Maybe Face will take me to a bar and we can get good and drunk. He'll tell me he understands. He'll put his hand on my shoulder and say 'There's plenty more fish in the sea.' And I'll nod and pretend that everything will be okay.
I raise my head to look at the door one last time before I leave. With a deep breath I prepare myself to turn my back on what could have been and quietly, without a trace of tremble, I whisper, "I love you."