A little fall of rain.
As usual I own nothing. I'm just playing with Holbys uber duo!
He doesn't know that I'm here at the window watching him; studying his sombre yet handsome face as he stands by the window in the darkened room, a little bundle safely ensconced in his arms. He's so immersed in the newborn boy who he cradles so gently that he has no idea that I've been standing here for at least half an hour, unable to take my eyes off him...barely able to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks as I think of all that I have let myself lose.
He looks so natural with his boy, the beautiful, tiny, blue eyed newborn that makes me ache somewhere deep inside for the missed opportunity that I created as soon as I slept with Joseph's father; something which I will regret for the rest of my days. All I can think of as I see him bring his baby boys head to his lips for a tender kiss is that his beautiful child should have been ours...the baby that we created, that I carried inside of my womb feeling him kick and move and hiccup inside of me until his birth...something that I didn't even know that I wanted until I saw his daddy holding him tonight, protectively in his arms. Arms that used to hold me too.
What I would give to be able to turn back the clock, to have stayed with the one man that I have ever truly loved and to have let us have been the ones blessed by the birth of such a beautiful child. A child who's daddy would have been involved every second of the pregnancy...able to talk to him as he grew inside of me, able to feel him move in my swollen belly, able to feel the bump grow and move under his hands knowing that the son I was carrying had been created in love, not during a moment of fallacy in a relationship full of pain. What I would give to be the one dreaming in that bed beside him, knowing that our child was in the safe hands of his handsome and dependable father; a man who would adore our boy until the end of his days, who I would adore until the end of mine...who I will adore until the end of mine.
He turns around and motions for me to enter; his eyes widening with the realisation that I had been watching him and then meeting mine, so full of sadness, yet love for his boy. Part of me is screaming for me to run away, to not let myself feel the pain that I know is threatening to break me and will take me to the brink if I walk into that room and see just what I deprived myself of, but he needs me. I can see it in his eyes, and so I quietly enter and take reluctant steps towards him and his child.
As I stand at Joseph's side and see his index finger clasped in a tiny hand I feel my chest tighten and my fists clench. He really is a daddy now, to a child that's not ours and my heart actually feels like it's going to break. He was made for this. He was made to be the protector of a child that he has helped to create; a child so clearly a part of him, with his daddy's nose and chin; a perfect little tiny human cooing softly in his fathers arms.
I look tearfully into his eyes and his face falls as he senses my emotion. He motions for us to sit down in a corner of the room where we can talk; carefully shifting the little bundle in his arms so that he can take my hand and lead me over to the seats. We sit down in unison and my eyes immediately fall to the child, her child; the woman who has caused him so much pain and anguish...the woman who I drove him to.
"I'd like you to meet Joshua." He says softly, pulling the blanket swaddling the little boy away from his face so that I can get a better look.
"Hey Josh..." I whisper quietly, gingerly reaching out and stroking his soft cheek with my fingertips. "I'm your Aunt Jac...I'm..."
I find myself unable to finish as Joseph gently places the little one into my arms. I'm barely able to breathe. As I settle Josh into my arms securely, my finger brushing his cheek and a smile forming on my lips as he looks right up at me with sleepy eyes so similar to his daddy's, it hits me once again that this should be us. It should be our boy, not hers. We should be the family in this room. I should be mummy and not Aunty Jac. Instead I'm on the periphery holding the son of the man that I love, thinking about what could have been and completely aching for it.
A tear rolls down my cheek and I tear my eyes away from the baby to see a tear rolling down Joseph's cheek too. My heart aches and I carefully reach out a hand and place my palm on his cheek. He immediately nestles his face against it, closing his tear filled and tired eyes.
"You have a beautiful boy here Joseph. You should be happy." I tell him, trying to sound cheerful but failing miserably.
Joseph sits in silence, his eyes falling to his child and my palm falling from his cheek back onto my lap.
Joshua starts to cry and I rock him gently to soothe him, singing a soft lullaby that I remember my mother singing to me when I was small...before life got a lot more complicated. As the little one settles my eyes again meet Joe's and I find him staring at me intently with such sadness on his face that it is palpable.
"I wanted to see what it looked like. You holding my child." He whispers and my heart breaks for him, for us and for the baby we never had. I would never begrudge Joseph, Joshua. That boy has been the apple of his father's eye since Faye told him that she was pregnant but still I can't help but wish...
"What does it look like?" I then ask him, not wanting to hear the answer but feeling compelled to ask all the same as my mouth betrays the need of my heart for numbness.
"Like you should be a mummy. Like it's the most natural thing in the world." He answers and a sob escapes my lips.
"I'm so sorry...for what I did to you Joseph...and to us. This has been so hard for me. Holding him now...is so wonderful but so hard..." I admit and Joseph carefully takes Josh out of my arms and back into his, rocking the boy gently to sleep
His eyes fall to Faye's sleeping form on the bed and then back on to his sons.
"It should have been you." He says simply and my breath catches in my throat. "He should have been ours." He adds looking down at the tiny child, bringing his sons head to his lips and again placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.
All I can do is nod.
"He should." I reply softly, knowing that the words I have uttered are the complete truth and that there is nothing I want more than to be able to turn back the clock so that when we were to meet this moment again he would be mine, I would be his and little Josh would be ours. A baby born out of love to a mummy who would finally know what it is to be at peace.
The End.