A/N-My last story for the year so I decided to do a Xmas theme even though I tend to obsessively hate theme stories. The theme isn't too heavy as a result so if you decide to read this story in July it'll be okay. This story was a bit of an experiment for me in dialogue and plot so tell me if everything flows nicely in those reviews. Have fun reading.
Disclaimer: I don't own L&O:SVU or any of the characters. I make no money off of this and this ff is done strictly for my self-improvement as a writer.
"Hello, Earth to Olivia Benson? If you aren't going to roll the dice then you should pass your turn to someone else that will, mainly me."
Olivia turned her head toward the expectant looking faces of Elliot Stabler Sr. and Jr. and began to frown in annoyance. She couldn't help but be annoyed at the both of them for not only rushing her while playing Monopoly of all things but for being dragged over here on her Christmas Eve to play mommy for a grown man and his child. It wasn't like she had a lot going on this Christmas but still…it was the principle that Kathy just assumed that she had nothing better to do. No matter how much Olivia would have loved playing house with Elliot she knew it would be next to impossible to repel the feelings she had for Elliot. How could she sleep in the same house as him without thinking about him?
It was hard enough acknowledging to herself that she even had feelings for her partner of over a decade but including the reality of his and her responsibilities was almost too much for Olivia to comprehend. From his kids and his marriage to her own job, Olivia knew they had no way of being together without one of those things getting in the way.
Elliot could never leave Kathy without leaving his kids and Olivia couldn't leave her job without abandoning the victims she had promised herself to help. She had spent years giving victims hope and rapists jail cells, she couldn't turn her back on that without feeling like she was giving a rapist one more chance to make more victims. Olivia knew it was next to impossible to stop all evil in the world but…she could damn well try. After all, no one else could do her job as well as she did every day except Elliot Stabler.
Looking at him and his son's goofy smile directed at her just made things so difficult. Why did Kathy ask her to watch over Elliot and Eli anyway? She had agreed to help Kathy because she desperately needed assistance but Olivia knew she should have given it more thought. Kathy didn't even like her that much except when she needed something but she hardly found herself stopping these constant favors.
Despite Olivia strongly disliking Kathy for having the one thing she could never have, she couldn't really bring herself to hate the woman. If anything, Olivia couldn't help but feel a strong sense of revulsion knowing that Kathy was oblivious to the attraction between the two of them which made her feel even more like the other woman.
Olivia always found herself wondering whether Kathy was really as oblivious as she seemed to be. She never once brought it up but there would always be…odd looks between her and Kathy like she wanted to talk about something but lost her nerve at the last second. A blind woman could have noticed the attraction between her and Elliot. It was always bubbling underneath the surface of every lingering touch they gave each other, every argument, and those smoldering looks…sometimes Olivia felt it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment to have so much unrequited attraction for someone.
"Umm… Auntie 'Livi? I can roll the dice for you if you don't want to do it yourself," Eli smiled shyly at Olivia. "I think Daddy is getting restless. When Mommy plays Monopoly she just lets Daddy win 'cause it makes him happy. Right, Daddy?"
With a frown, Elliot rolls his eyes toward Olivia. "Kathy hardly lets me win. She just,"
"Doesn't give one-hundred percent, right," Olivia smiles before rolling her eyes back at Elliot. "Fine, I'm rolling the dice, okay? I'm sorry my speed isn't as fast as everyone else's. It's been awhile since I've played Monopoly."
"It's okay, Auntie 'Livi. Mommy always says that Daddy lacks patience."
"Is there anything your mom doesn't tell you, Eli," Elliot asked with a smile while watching Olivia roll the dice.
"Nope, my turn now. I'm so going to get Boardwalk, Daddy. Just you wait," With a smile, Eli grabs the dice and begins shaking.
Olivia could feel herself slipping, slipping into this comfortable realm of having a family to turn to, having Elliot beside her to smile and comfort her.
He made everything better except her bleeding heart. The paranoid side of herself couldn't help but feel this was Kathy's plan all along; to have her come here and be among Elliot and Eli and tease her with the promise of what could have been. She could have taken Elliot away from Kathy when they were separated but she didn't. Instead of doing for herself for once she did everything in her power to keep Elliot and Kathy together and it frustrated her nearly every day.
How could she want what she couldn't even get the courage to take away?
"Hey, Elliot? I'm going to go to the bathroom and start ordering dinner," Olivia started moving up from the table before Elliot grabbed her arm.
"What…why? You can't just leave in the middle of the game, Olivia. It's not fair to the other players," Elliot said with a boyish pout.
Olivia stared blankly at Elliot. "Elliot. Only two people are playing and one of those people is under the age of five. I don't think I have to worry about player etiquette in this situation. Do you want Chinese or something else?"
"Are you really going to order food on Christmas Eve? Come on, 'Liv. Couldn't you try to, I don't know, cook something for once? It's a holiday. Get a little festive and wipe the dust off your unused Home Ec. skills."
"Do you want to eat," Olivia asked.
"Yes…"
"Then I really suggest you take ordering out over the blocks of burnt food you'll get if you allow me to cook. Unless you like regularly making a game out of figuring out what the burnt food is on your plate," Olivia smiled at Elliot before yanking her hand away from his grasp.
Olivia had hardly walked down the hallway before Elliot was running after her and grabbing her shoulder and pushing her into the bathroom before she even had a chance to think. It was next to impossible for her to breathe with Elliot's body firmly pushed up against her and his breath, dear God, it was like having tendrils of his little fingers running down her skin. Olivia wanted nothing more than to just look up at his eyes but…she just couldn't.
Her morality told her that this was wrong but her body was telling her fucking go for it. She wanted to go with her body's response but…the victims. If they did this everyone would know and Cragen would have to find them new partners, she would be moved to Computer Crimes again, and then the victims would have no one to speak for them.
If they did this…there would be no turning back to their tenuous relationship of partners. It would be impossible to return back to that even if they contained this attraction to just one moment of heated passion. She just couldn't give everything up for a one night stand. It wouldn't be right to her or Elliot.
"Elliot…as much as I'm flattered that you want to do this I really did come to the bathroom to, you know, use the bathroom," Olivia tried squirming a little to enforce her point and to get away from his warm hard body. "So could you let me go?"
Elliot blinks before shaking his head. "Oh…I just thought that maybe you 'going to the bathroom' meant that you were still thinking about the case from earlier today and I just thought that I would come and…you know, cheer you up."
"Last time I checked Elliot, cheering a person up doesn't consist of throwing your dick around," Smiling, Olivia backed up from Elliot's embrace. "Don't get me wrong, I would love to have your dick be the magical wand to all of my problems but the world doesn't work like that last time I checked."
"So…you aren't still thinking about the Santa's Helper case?"
"No, well, I wasn't until now. But it's only natural for me think about a case like that regardless of how I try to forget it. A Santa's helper giving out gifts at Mercy Hospital gets raped and refuses to disclose who the rapist was…if the victim would just talk about who did it we could have had the case finished before Christmas. Do you think she knows her attacker? I mean come on, El, why else would she be so coy?"
Elliot chuckles to himself and walks toward the door before turning around. "You know, Olivia, you don't have to try to bore me with work to get me to walk away you know. I'm sorry for bringing the damn case up at all."
Olivia grabs Elliot's shoulder before he has a chance to leave. "Wait, El. What just happened between us just now? Did you…"
"Olivia…you have been playing this dance around me for years. I was fine just ignoring your attraction for me for a while but I can't keep not noticing you forever. It's not fair to you or me. I've been thinking about this for a long time and when Kathy decided to leave with the kids I knew this was one chance to get me out of your system."
"So you think this thing that I have for you…is just a one-time thing? A fuck and run, right," Olivia asks before looking up at Elliot's eyes. "You honestly think I'd risk my whole career, my whole livelihood, for just sex? Elliot, I'm attracted to you and yes, sometimes it makes me want to go crazy but don't think so highly of yourself to just assume that all I want from you is a one night stand. I'm not some puppy from the pound that can't find love anywhere else."
Elliot turns himself around and grabs Olivia's hands before she has a chance to react. "Then why haven't you? Why haven't you gone and found someone else to pine over? You love me and that's why you stick around and you know it. Tell me if I'm wrong, Olivia."
"Elliot…of course I love you. You're my partner. If I didn't love you in some capacity I wouldn't be able to do my job and trust you with my life," Olivia said. "Unless you mean love in a different capacity? Because you know Elliot that's not protocol but I'm sure you know that already since you had no problem breaking protocol with Dani Beck."
Elliot slams him hand into the wall next to her. Before he has a chance to react again, Olivia pushes him out of the bathroom in frustration and the legitimate need for privacy.
She couldn't help but be surprised by Elliot's sudden interest in her attraction for him. He'd never been interested before so why now? Olivia couldn't stop herself from thinking that Elliot had finally realized his own feelings for her as well. It was immature to think those things, Olivia tried telling herself as she washed water on her face after using the bathroom, but she just couldn't help hoping for the one thing she had spent years fantasizing about.
Sighing to herself, Olivia wanted to just evaporate into the walls. Everything was so screwed up between her and Elliot and instead of making it better she was hiding in Elliot's bathroom like a child.
After much soul-searching, or as much soul-searching one can have in a bathroom, Olivia had come out the hiding to find that Elliot was sitting on the couch and lightly playing with Eli's curls. How long had she been in the bathroom? Looking out at the window, Olivia realizes how late it is and wonders how she could be so selfish to leave the two of them out here on the couch while she sat in the bathroom thinking.
"We already ate. I made some chicken nuggets and fries for Eli and I left some out for you if you want it," Elliot says while staring at the TV screen, watching some cop show. "Do you want me to take it into the bathroom for you since that's where you've been for the last couple of hours?"
Olivia began to frown but sighed sadly realizing the truth of his statement. "I'm sorry…about everything. I just needed to think and I just lost track of time. Honestly…I really just couldn't bear to be around you and all of this."
"All of what? Olivia, I know we're having problems but when has Eli ever done anything wrong? If you have a problem with me then fine but Eli is just a kid. Don't throw him into this."
"It's not Eli it's…all of this. You and me playing house with your kid," Olivia sighed tiredly before continuing. "It's hard enough for me as is to keep this façade up and Kathy's request to 'watch over you' isn't making it any easier on me."
"Then why did you agree to it in the first place?"
"I don't know. Maybe I hoped you would notice how I've been feeling for several years and take some initiative but now that you have…I just feel even more confused and lost. I can't help but want more but I know that it's impossible or more like improbable that 'more' will ever happen but I still find myself...looking for more."
Elliot stops playing with his son's hair to stare at Olivia. "Olivia, I'm not going to promise you something cliché like my 'undeniable love' because I can't and won't ever give that to you but you know that. I can only give you this one night and I know that's incredibly inconsiderate of your own feelings but…I can't have you watching my back out in the field and constantly worry if you're going to be thinking about how hot my ass is in those jeans or protecting my life so I don't end up in a body bag. This is all I can give you, Olivia. Take it or leave it."
"I can't believe you're doing this, El. Making me choose between being the other woman or…what? Would you really ask Cragen for another partner because of my attraction for you?"
"Don't make this into such an ultimatum. I'm letting you have your chance to get me out of your system so you can…we can go back to what we've always been, great partners that understand each other and work well together."
"I can't just go back, Elliot," Olivia crosses the distance between her and Elliot and sits beside Eli, who has started lightly snoring. "We can't just go back to the old way of doing things after we have sex, Elliot. It doesn't work like that. It can't work like that."
"And I can't work like this knowing you have this attraction for me. You're going to have to make a decision, 'Liv. Either your morals and a new partner or keeping me as a partner and setting your morals aside for one night."
Olivia closes her eyes before speaking. "Fine, when you put it that way I hardly have much of a choice but can you put Eli to bed first?"
While watching Elliot take Eli into his bedroom, Olivia can't help but feel like this is just one big mistake that she can't stop walking towards. How could she go back to being just partners after having sex? How could she go back to living in an unemotional haze every day, saving herself for the victims?
Olivia knew what they were going to do was wrong in so many ways but she had no choice. Elliot had practically forced her to choose, her job or her morals and she couldn't just throw away her job. Her job was her responsibility, her saving grace, and her life. As odd as it may have sounded to anyone else outside the unit, Olivia needed the victims more than the victims needed her.
"Hey…you sure you want this," Elliot returns from putting Eli to bed and wraps his hands around Olivia's shoulders. "I hardly want to force you into anything, 'Liv."
Olivia spins around quickly out of his embrace. "You don't want to force me into anything? How the hell can you say that when just now you were giving me an ultimatum about my job or my morals, Elliot? God, sometimes I just…"
"Just what? What, Olivia? What do you want to do about me? I bet I know the answer to that."
Rolling her eyes, Olivia couldn't help but giggle in excitement. Elliot was flirting with her in his house. On his couch. God, Olivia couldn't help but feel how wrong this was. She just couldn't turn her moral compass off which made it so difficult to concentrate on Elliot's words.
Sensing this, Elliot rose off of the couch and walked off. As curious as she was to know what exactly Elliot was planning on doing Olivia waited patiently hoping that whatever it was had some magical substance to make her relax and stop fucking over-analyzing.
Olivia tried telling herself that no matter what Elliot brought back with him she had to try and accept that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. It was her responsibility to not just her job but to the victims to get this attraction out of her system so Olivia could continue working with the partner she had such a rapport with, therefore solving more cases, and helping more victims move on from the awful experiences they had endured.
Once she had even told this line of logic to Fin when he asked why she was so hesitant to get involved with Elliot after he was separated from Kathy and he promptly said, "That makes absolutely no sense. My head hurts just trying to keep up with that, Olivia." And Fin was right. All of her efforts to support her crazy logic just made her seem even crazier in comparison but she couldn't stop herself. Her logic may be nonsensical but it was the only thing she could hold onto to keep her continuing onward day after day.
Seeing Elliot return back with a long piece of fabric in his hand and a smug look on his face made Olivia slightly uncomfortable and curious. She was not into any kinky shit like bondage and Elliot hardly seemed like the man that would get off on something like that either. What was he planning?
"Elliot…as flattered as I am that you would even think I would be turned on by being tied up to a bedpost…I'm not," Olivia said before subconsciously moving away from Elliot.
Elliot laughed quietly to himself. "I'm not going to tie you up. That would just make you even more nervous, 'Liv. This piece of silk is supposed to relax you enough to let go and actually use this night to your advantage. I don't want to have to do this again because the first time you were too wired to relax."
Oh no…Elliot was not planning on doing what she thought he was going to do. She couldn't let him do that to her. She couldn't let him have control like that…she just couldn't.
"No, Elliot. Please, not that. I can't do that," Olivia looked down at her arms and realized that they were shaking in fear. "Please don't take that away from me."
Looking down at the silk coiled around his fist, Elliot realized quickly that Olivia knew what he intended to do to her. With one small motion, Elliot set down the silk on the couch before sitting next to Olivia as he began to lightly caress her shaking arms.
"Olivia. You have to let go of your control in order to stop thinking. This isn't going to work unless you stop thinking. I don't see the problem, 'Liv. You're doing this with me, someone you've known for over a decade, not some guy you just met in a bodega. You trust me with your life just like I trust you with mine. Why should this be any different, Olivia?"
"Because, Elliot. Because, I'd be giving up a whole lot more than just control if I did that with you."
"Then maybe it's time you let all this meaningless shit go and just once, just once, Olivia, do something without thinking about what you should be doing, could be doing, or need to be doing. I'm not asking you to let your control go forever but just for tonight," Elliot gave his trademark grin and Olivia smiled in response. "I promise you it won't hurt. Hell, you may even come back after tonight and become the dreaded other woman."
"Your lame attempts at humor have been ignored, Mr. Stabler," Olivia said sarcastically before returning her gaze to her hands.
"So…should I take your acquiescence as a yes?"
Olivia sighed before nodding her head and meeting Elliot's eyes. "I've never done this before, given up my control I mean. How exactly will you do this since you seem to be such an expert on the subject of a woman giving up control? Do you frequently practice on Kathy because she doesn't seem like one to give up control of anything unless you count the amount of kids she pops out for you?"
"Cute. Real cute. You and Munch should really consider having a love child since you both have so much sarcasm in common. Your looks and Munch's paranoia…that's a winning combination," Elliot said while laughing in between words. "But if you must know Kathy doesn't really like giving up control that much. If anything she gets off on taking control. The few times she does lets me take control she asks me to tie this silk around her eyes."
"So you assume if it works on Kathy, the baby making machine, it'll work on Olivia, right?"
"Hasn't failed me yet."
Olivia playfully threw a couch pillow at Elliot. "Fuck off, Elliot. So…are we going to do this now or what?"
With one hard shove, Olivia found herself staring at the ceiling and feeling Elliot's hard muscles surrounding every part of her body. He hadn't even kissed her yet and her body felt like it was going to melt all of over his couch. Olivia couldn't decide if she should be embarrassed by her body's quick reaction to Elliot's actions or encourage him to continue his efforts. Deciding on continuation, Olivia clenched the couch and began thrusting her body into Elliot's for more contact.
Breathing had taken a back seat to the pure pleasure of feeling Elliot's fingers kneading and molding themselves to her breasts, almost encouraging her to feel. The warmth from his mouth and his nipping teeth on her neck was killing her mind's resolve over her body and for once Olivia could feel herself letting go of the responsibilities, the job, and those endless victims.
"Quick, Elliot…God, yes, it feels so good," A loud groan interrupted Olivia before she could finish. "Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop."
"I haven't even started yet, 'Liv," he said with a voice heavy with restrained passion. "Tell me what you want to do to you. I need to here you say it."
A frustrated moan reached Olivia's lips before she had a chance to stop it. "I want…to feel you. All of you."
With a pleased smile, Elliot lifted himself from her body and began to strip her shirt and jeans off with little fanfare. Olivia couldn't help but thrust her breasts outward to make his job easier. Elliot yanked her panties off in a rush and with a tug he began slowly moving them down Olivia's legs. She groaned after feeling the wetness that had collected in her panties slowly seep from her onto the couch and her thighs. Her panties now officially gone, Elliot sat back to revel at the beauty writhing in front of him.
Olivia could feel how much Elliot was enjoying this. His callused hands slowly traced secret patterns on her warm and wet inner thighs as if making it his and only his. Why didn't he just take her already? Why was he waiting?
"What do you want me to do now, Olivia?"
Feeling Elliot's hot gaze on her face, Olivia looked up and tried to figure out what exactly he was thinking. What did he want her to say? He knew she wanted him after seeing her body's obvious reaction…and then she got it. Elliot was waiting on her to ask to use the blindfold. Elliot was waiting on her to use her control over the situation to give up control to him.
"I want you to use the blindfold now," Olivia lifted a hand and began to lightly caress the stubble on Elliot's cheek. "Thanks, El."
With a smile, Elliot grabbed the silk blindfold and carefully lifted her head to tie it on her head.
It was such an odd sensation to be blind during sex. Even though she trusted Elliot completely she could feel her heart racing in response to not having her familiar sight to guide her brain. Her mind was basically shutting down completely and when Elliot took off her bra she moaned so loud she was afraid Eli would start crying as a result.
With several bites on her shoulder, Elliot chuckled. "If I'm not careful I might have to gag you, 'Liv."
"Elliot…could you stop giving yourself an ego rub-and-tug and just fuck me?"
"I don't know, 'Liv. This is too much fun seeing you give yourself over to me. I kind of like it."
With a firm thrust upward Olivia began grinding her hips into Elliot's fingers that had migrated from their position on her thighs to playing with her engorged clitoris. Olivia had no intention to wait any longer for her satisfaction and Elliot had every intention to give it to her.
"You want me to fuck you, Olivia? I don't think you deserve that much…I'm going to go slow with you. Take my time. Build you up and watch you crash all in slow motion."
Another loud groan reached Olivia's mouth before she could stop it. "I don't care how you do it just…do it, El."
As soon as she felt Elliot's fingers circling her sensitive clit once more, Olivia was tempted to take the blindfold off to see what he was doing there that was so important that it couldn't wait until after the fucking. She knew she had given Elliot control but it was ridiculous for him to sit and waste it away like it was nothing by not giving her the one thing she craved for so badly.
"Elliot…I don't know how many times I have to say please but…please, fuck me already. I'm too on the edge already to take any teasing," She turned her head away to try to stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks in frustration. "I can't wait any longer. It's killing me."
Elliot lightly moved her head toward him and frowned seeing the tears. "'Livy, I don't mean to make you cry. I'm not even trying to fucking tease you it's just…I don't normally keep protection on me since I'm married."
Olivia laughs and leans her head back onto the pillows. "Well, I could have assumed that since you have a basketball team of kids but I thought you said you had planned this all out earlier? Your plan didn't actually include the sex part because that's a really bad plan if it didn't, El."
"I did plan this out but when would I have bought condoms, Olivia, before or after my never-ending shifts at the precinct? And where would I have kept them? I think Kathy trusts me but I really don't want to push that trust with bringing home condoms," Elliot said with obvious embarrassment.
Hearing the embarrassment, Olivia couldn't help but start to blush in response. "Well…maybe we should do this another time then?"
"I don't think we have to wait. Kathy has always called my fingers magical and I think you'll be calling them the same after I'm finished with you."
Olivia couldn't help but agree after feeling his at first two fingers probing her sex eagerly and passionately. With each clever thrust of his fingers and the playful scissoring he did with his fingers between thrusts it nearly made her want to pass out. Even though she couldn't see Elliot or his actions the sound of her dripping and swollen center making those sloshing sounds as his fingers worked their magic or the feel of his warm mouth as it tried to seemingly eat her breasts with the amount of licks and nips he was giving her more than made up for the lack of sight.
Feeling the haze of her impending climax coming soon, Olivia grabbed onto Elliot's chest and back to keep him close.
"Oh…fuck…Elliot; I'm close, so close. Don't stop," As she felt the moan leave her throat as she finally got the release she had been waiting for she felt Elliot's body tighten in response. Assuming he had gotten his own release watching her, Olivia took the blindfold off hoping to see Elliot's reaction but what she got was completely unexpected.
"So this is what you do when I leave you alone, Elliot. First Dani Beck and now Olivia Benson," The woman intruder closed the open front door behind her before shaking her head in sadness. "I mean honestly, El? I'm hardly surprised you were fucking her but practically right in front of Eli? At least have the balls to get a room at some hotel, or better yet, go to her apartment and fuck her on her couch. God…I came home to check up on you guys to make sure Eli was alright with not having his first Christmas with me but I see…everything is taken care of on that front."
Elliot lifts himself from Olivia's body and gives Kathy the same look she had been giving him, sadness. "Do you want a divorce, Kathy? But could we make sure it's a real one this time and not just an excuse for you to run off to your mother for a couple of months like last time?"
This was exactly what Olivia was afraid would happen if her and Elliot opened the Pandora's Box by sleeping together. All it took was once. Olivia's one moment of pleasure had probably caused a lifetime of pain and suffering for Kathy, Elliot, Eli, Kathleen, Maureen, Dickie, and most likely herself. Why did she even say yes? Why did she honestly believe that she and Elliot could just drop all responsibilities for just one moment? Olivia wanted to blame Kathy for being a killjoy to her and Elliot's fun but honestly…she had no one to blame but herself for making a stupid decision based on her wants instead of her needs. This was all her fault.