Uh, hi.
I know, I know you don't even have to say anything. What the hell have I been doing these past few months? A lot of shit lemme tell ya and its been really stressful. I'm really sorry about being gone for so long and there are specifics as to what I've been up to on my bio if you really want to check. I promise to get to work on my other stories ASAP as well.
Thank you all for your patience, you're saints.
Without further ado, it is my pleasure to welcome you all to the much anticipated sequel to Crank Dat Uchiha!
Welcome to Prince of Crows!
I sincerely hope you all enjoy and that it fulfills all expectations!
Disclaimer: Yeah, definitely not...
"Mercy! MERCY!" Sasuke screamed, his voice getting more uncharacteristically shrill by the second.
"Eh, Sakura-chan, Sasuke-chan is turning purple."
"RIP THE BASTARD TO SHREDS SHANNARO! HE SHALL PAY IN BLOOD!"
Among Sasuke's pleads for mercy, Shisui's half concerned half amused glances, and her Inner's shrieks for blood, Sakura could feel it.
In this case it would be Uchiha Itachi.
Who was staring at her.
Intently.
It was starting to creep her the fuck out but nonetheless, she continued to diligently throttle Sasuke as some strange aware part of her mind tried to comprehend this anomaly.
Who said she couldn't multitask?
"When you finish here, the poster-boy for sex is inviting us to bed with his eyes." So she wasn't the only one who noticed then.
Emerald eyes narrowed at the purple face Sasuke was sporting. She mentally sighed and jumped off her friend. She grabbed his shirt and yanked him up none to gently to eye-level as she heaved an exasperated sigh mixed with annoyance.
"Listen here bastard. The rapping ends, now." The woman stated. Her chicken haired friend nodded rapidly.
"If I so much as hear you hum one of those atrocious songs, Naruto will find out about your so-called favorite song."
She saw Sasuke's eyes widen tremendously as the gears whirled in his supposedly smart head and a dangerous smirk etched its way onto her face. Oh sure Sakura could beat the snot out of her two friends any day of the week and had been able to since kindergarden but if Naruto were to find out about the song Sasuke had so carefully hidden from him, hell wouldn't even begin to describe the situation the whole city would find themselves in. Sakura's smile was saccharine sweet as she dropped her friend on his face.
"Glad we have an understanding Sasuke-kun."
Oh yes, death by obnoxious screaming blonde was never a fun way to go.
"GROVEL AT MY FEET PEASANT!" Inner shrieked with maniacal glee. As if he could hear her debatably sane other half, Sasuke murmured a nearly inaudible plea for forgiveness at her feet. Sakura merely smirked and patted the boy's head like a lap-dog.
"Of course Sasuke."
"A master always treats her slaves fairly, least they rebel in an uproar."
With that, the pink-haired woman sauntered back into the Uchiha mansion, all the while having the strangest feeling that there were two holes being burned into her ass.
"Ah Sakura-chan, I'm so happy you're back in town!" Mikoto tittered joyously as she washed a dish.
"As am I Mikoto-kaa-chan, it's so nice to see you again." Sakura responded pleasantly while drying. They chatted for a few minutes. Sakura happily babbling on about her work as a doctor while Mikoto-blessed saint she was- listened patiently to the scientific words that were spewing out of Sakura's mouth at a rapid rate. It was only when Sakura began to rant about neurology that Mikoto changed the subject.
"I am surprised this is your first time meeting Ita-chan dearie, you've known the family for so long."
"HA! You're such a nerd even Mikoto-kaa-chan couldn't take it!"
Ignoring the obnoxious voice with ease only years of practice could provide, Sakura thought back to the elder Uchiha and his creepy stares and decided she was glad she was just now meeting the weirdo. However she was positive that his mother wouldn't want to hear that so she chose to hum one of those universal hums of agreement that could be taken in any way. She felt the odd sensation that she was being watched but brushed it off until Mikoto chirped happily at a space behind her.
"Oh Ita-chan! Speak of the devil, come here, come here, come talk!" Sakura slowly turned, eye twitching, as she once again felt the strange feeling of two holes being burned into her ass.
"I knew our ass was good for something."
"Shut up."
As she made the one-eighty degree rotation, her eyes met the half concealed form of one Uchiha Itachi as he creepily peeked around the corner of the kitchen. He shook his head at his mother's invitation, continuing to lurk. Sakura swore the shadows were freaking moving with him.
Bending to his will.
Like a true creeper.
"I think it's kind of cute."
"Of course you would think that psycho."
"We can't all be little miss perfect doctor sweetie."
Unfazed by lack of response, Mikoto continued to try and coax Itachi out of his creepy corner much like one would try to coax a particularly stupid cat out from behind the refrigerator.
"Hahaha stupid weasel cat."
Eventually Mikoto gave up on her obviously disturbed son and went back to washing the dishes while Sakura stared with growing alarm.
Why was he still staring at her?!
"Because we are fiiiiinnnneeeeee!"
"No because he's probably a mentally deranged freak that keeps skeletons in his closet."
"But at least he's hot."
"... Touché."
She resumed drying the dishes with a vengeance, praying the creepy-hot- weirdo would go away. Five minutes later she chanced a glance.
AND HE WAS STILL FUCKING THERE!
"I just love a man with persistence."
She waited until Mikoto left before she pounced on him.
Not literally of course, the sick bastard would probably enjoy that.
"I know I would."
"WHAT!?" She exploded, nerves frayed from being under constant surveillance. Sakura swore to herself that she probably looked like the poster child for drug relapse.
But. the. fucker. didn't. RESPOND.
Eyelids doing a rather strange dance, the impulsive pink haired woman marched forward and decided to violently make her point.
"SHANNARO BABY! But don't hit his face!"
She raised a fist but upon seeing the interest suddenly appear in Itachi's eyes as if the holy grail had just been placed in front of him, Sakura decided against violence.
It was probably a turn-on for this asshole.
"Oooh sexy~"
"Your comments are completely unnecessary."
She was greeted with the image of Inner childishly sticking her tongue out while pulling down her eyelid.
"BLEEEEH!" Ignoring her, Sakura fixed Itachi with an annoyed look.
"Itachi-san, what the fuck do you want." Sure it was rude and not the most eloquent statement she'd ever made but what did she care?
Itachi however, just stared at her.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
Sakura was seriously beginning to wonder if Itachi was some retarded chimpanzee or something of relation when he finally spoke.
"You must be auxin, for you are causing me to have rapid stem elongation."
"...!"
"OMFG."
She gaped at him, her jaw becoming fast intimate friends with the floor.
It took her a moment. Not to figure out what he meant, because what kind of doctor would she be if she couldn't understand simple terms of biology? She'd be a shitty doctor that's for sure. Like that dumb whore Karin down in pediatrics. Dumb bitch wouldn't be able to tell the difference between penicillin and a pencil if she tried. Only reason she was apart of the staff was because she was blowing the supervisor of the branch.
...
"Damn straight."
Anyways, what took her so long to grasp was that Itachi used a pick up line.
On her.
Uchiha fucking Itachi used a pick up line on her.
This previously thought to be retarded yet undeniably attractive sex god of a man, used a muthafucking pick up line on her.
AND IT WAS NERDY!
Sakura couldn't help the slight blush that brushed against her cheeks as she delicately giggled.
It was like they were made for each other!
She conveniently ignored the fact that less than five minutes ago she had been completely positive he was a retarded, creepy chimpanzee.
"JUMP HIM."
From around the corner, Shisui slapped his head. Honestly his baby cousin was just so stupid sometimes.
Who uses biology terms to pick up a girl?!
Rapid stem elongation? What a nerd! Shisui didn't even know what that meant!
He could explicitly remember telling his dork of a friend that you were supposed to sweep the girl off her feet before her crazy ass temper kicked in. Now she would probably beat Itachi's ass for even thinking of using a pick-up line!
But then he heard a feminine giggle followed by a flirty response.
"Lucky for you I happen to be high in abscisic acid."
Shisui sweat dropped.
Those... Idiots.
Before he was subjected to any more of this ridiculous thing those two clowns were trying to pass off as flirting, Shisui decided to intervene.
He dramatically pirouetted into the kitchen, unruly hair flowing and dark eyes sparkling.
"Baby cousin," he tsked. "You're supposed to sweep the lady of her feet like so." Shisui decided to demonstrate with the nearby broom. He twirled the cleaning utensil around, tilting it down and sweeping-no pun intended- the bristles back like a man would gently brush hair out of a woman's eyes.
"Your eyes, are as deep as a forest. I feel like getting lost in them as I am drawn in by their gaze." He murmured sensually.
The loud man beamed up smugly at the two silent onlookers but faltered a bit at their identical apathetic looks.
Creepy.
"I do not follow your logic." Itachi stated bluntly.
"L-logic?! It's not logic you idiot! It's poetic and romantic!" Shisui spluttered.
"Romantic is a relative term Shisui." Sakura chided.
AS IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG HERE!
"Eyes are not an accurate analogy to a large mass of forested land."
"Oh my kami- Itachi I'm not trying to be literal here!"
"So you admit your logic is flawed."
"I'm not admitting anything!"
"But you at least have to concede that your chosen words were not reasonable." Sakura added.
Shisui sighed exasperatedly, dragging a hand slowly across his face.
"I give up. You two are hopeless."
With that, he exited the kitchen.
Sakura only had a moment to register Shisui's departure before she found herself pressed up against the counter, caged by a very defined male body might she add.
"I-Itachi-san?" She called breathlessly.
"Go to dinner with me." He stated in that sexy monotone voice of his.
Well it was a bit forward for her tastes but could she honestly complain when she was being bribed with a body like this?
Somewhere in her mind, Inner Sakura gave a piteous whine as she realized she couldn't touch the godly man in front of her.
"O-okay."
"This is your fault teme." Naruto hissed from his position behind the bush. Beside him, Sasuke stiffened in silent indignation.
"How the hell is this my fault dobe?" The usually bright blonde leveled him a look that sent daggers coated in shame and disappointment at him. Even the famously stoic Uchiha Sasuke had to inwardly shrink a bit at the stare.
"Because if you had just stopped listening to that stupid-ass rap music like I told you to, then Sakura-chan wouldn't have gone to your house that day to beat your ass and met your creepy, cradle-robbing, brother and then she wouldn't be on a date with him and we wouldn't be here waiting for her to find us and kill us!"
"Sakura's not going to kill us. And she didn't come over to beat my ass."
"Right that decision was made when she heard that stupid shit."
"It's quality music."
"What pyromaniac weirdo names a song 'Lighters'?!"
"It's about dreams!"
"It talks about dicks half the time! How is that about dreams!? The only person it would inspire is Sai!"
"You just don't understand."
"The hell is there to understand?!"
"Nothing someone with your level of intelligence could grasp."
"Teme!"
"Dobe."
"Ugh! Just never-mind you stupid jackass, we're supposed to be doing surveillance here!"
"That's what I'm doing unlike you, dead last."
"Argh!"
It was the first time Itachi could honestly say he was having fun, on a date no less. Sakura was everything he could ask for in a woman; smart, well-mannered aggressive, a sadist, and in possession of a great body. A perfect blend of contradictions if he may say.
Had he been an ordinary male, Itachi probably would have told her these things. Sadly, our protagonist was not an ordinary male and would therefore have to express his thoughts in his special brand of awkward.
Luckily for him though, Sakura seemed to be just as awkward and weird.
I find the cartilage in your nose to be most ascetically appealing." His eyes darkened as she giggled adorably whilst blushing.
"I'll have you know your biceps are most distracting Itachi." She mock-pouted. Itachi gave a wolfish grin in response.
From the table side, their waiter gave an awkward cough.
"May I take your order?"
"Teme I can't hear a damn thing."
"Then let's move closer idiot."
"Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test."
"Omigoodness Itachi, your sense of humor is wonderful!"
"This is the most pathetic thing I have ever had to bear witness to."
"Teme."
"Hn."
"This is so... awkward."
"Hn."
"Did you teach my precious Sakura-chan how to flirt?!"
"..."
"Well?!"
"Hn."
"Fucking knew it. Only someone from your family would flirt like a ninety year old man!"
"Hn."
"How could you let my poor Sakura-chan out into the world with such bad skills?!"
"Hn."
"You're a real ass you know that?"
"Hn."
"I wonder why that waiter keeps staring over here..."
"Maybe it's because he thinks we're funny." Inner droned sarcastically.
"Really?"
"No not really! He's probably staring at our chest, at least someone is appreciating this rack! Tall-dark-and sexy hasn't even shot a glimpse!"
"Because Itachi is a gentleman. Besides, I highly doubt our waiter is looking there, that would be unprofessional."
"When the hell were you born 1764? D'you really think he gives a damn about professionalism? He's probably a high school dropout."
"I was born in this current era!"
"Sure."
"It's true!"
"Whatever, next time he comes over I guarantee he'll look at our chest."
As the waiter approached, Sakura's apple green eyes subtly followed his movements, not noticing the intense dark gaze that followed her. The waiter placed the plates on the table and-
"THERE! He did look!"
"Told ya."
"THAT BASTARD!"
"SHANNARO!"
"Oi, Sasuke-teme. Sakura-chan looks- HOLY SHIT DUCK!" Both males flattened themselves to the ground as a waiter came flying through the diner window.
Unfortunately for them, the man happened to land on top of the two.
In another stroke of bad luck; Sakura appeared moments later, ready to finish off her prey.
And as Sasuke was quickly beginning to learn, where a vengeful Sakura was, Itachi was only seconds away.
"Shit."
Growling ferally, Sakura hoisted the waiter up with that freaky strength of hers. As she prepared to beat his ass, she noticed a splash of blonde and black.
She dropped her target.
"Sasuke? Naruto? What are you guys doing here?"
Sasuke knew they didn't have very long before their pink haired friend put the pieces together. He scrambled for an answer but upon seeing the black shadow that descended on the scene, he quickly accepted his fate. Wrapping and arm around Sakura's slim waist, Itachi practically purred.
"Why Sakura, I do believe these two were spying on our date." Fury lit up the woman's darkened emerald eyes and had it been any other situation, Sasuke would have scowled at his sadistic older brother.
"Oh really now?" Naruto gulped as Sakura cracked her knuckles but the blonde couldn't help but sneer at the elder Uchiha as he made himself comfortable by resting his head atop her pink hair.
Much to his eternal misfortune though, his rosette friend mistook the sneer as being aimed at herself. She raised her fist with a snarl.
"Teme."
"What."
"Your fault."
BAM!
Did you enjoy? I can't even begin to describe the adventure it was to think this up haha.
Also, for those who don't get it: the bechdel test measures the role of women in a movie/tv show, there has to be at least two women with speaking roles and they have to discuss something other than a male character for the show/movie to pass the test.
Please review and tell me how you liked it! Fav to read forever! PM me if you want anything specific written! Can't promise it will be in a timely manner though ^-^"