Title: The Hardest Addiction (1/1)

Rating: K+

Content: Slash, drug use (including involuntary), swearing, angst

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue

A/N: a tentative foray back into writing. This didn't go as I expected it to.

"I let him down."

There was a look of incredulity on John's face at Randy's words, and he shook his head. "What did you do, force that shit down his throat?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"No."

The fact was, Randy couldn't even bring himself to verbalise his feelings, because if he gave those thoughts air, they became real, and then it wouldn't just be Evan who despised him, John would too. He'd lost enough already; there wasn't much left to cling on to.

Randy was eternally grateful that Hunter knew him so well. Not that his anger and increasingly frail grasp on his self control hadn't been noted by about half the roster, but Hunter knew not to ask, but to offer: the two weeks off were grasped like a drowning man clinging to a rope.

He had anticipated having the door slammed shut in his face. He'd expected nothing less. Equally, the man behind the door had known it was a matter of time before this confrontation would take place, and had his excuses and barbs ready.

They were scant resistance to the Viper when he wanted something. He hammered on the door until the occupant had no choice but to allow entrance. Once in the small apartment, Randy realised he had no idea what to say.

As he always did in those situations, he sought to make the other person as uncomfortable as possible, his stare piercing and dangerous. Yet as his gaze took in its target, he started to realise the impact of his previous actions.

Evan's face was shadowed with stubble, exhaustion and resignation. He slumped against the wall, really not wanting this confrontation, not wanting... this. Whatever Randy was there for, Evan wasn't interested. He figured if he told himself that enough, then his heart might one day start to believe it.

"How've you been?" Randy cringed at how lame that sounded even as the words left his lips. The derision that crossed Evan's face told him all he needed to know. "I... I've been thinking about you a lot."

"Have you really?" The sneering tone in Evan's voice sent chills down Randy's spine. "I find that quite hard to believe."

"It's true."

"So what have you been thinking? About how you can take that final step and thoroughly obliterate what's left of my career? About how to distance yourself even further from me so that you're not tainted by the drug addict loser? Or thinking about what would happen if I dropped you in the shit the same as you did to me?" Evan's eyes flashed with anger as the floodgates opened.

"No..." Randy almost cringed, his heart beating faster in his chest than he had ever experienced before. "No, I've been thinking about how I fucked up, how I missed you, how I wish I could change what happened, how I could help you..."

"I've had enough of your help," Evan scoffed.

"I'll speak to Hunter, I'll make things right, I'll do whatever it takes," if he'd been a less proud man, Randy would have fallen to his knees.

"This is beyond what you can make right!"

"Then let me make us right," Randy exclaimed, unable to hide his heart. The sight of what he had destroyed had chilled him more than he had ever thought it would, and he knew he could no more walk away from the man in front of him than he could deny his own soul.

"You still think there's an us?" The anger in Evan's eyes drained away, replaced by something that Randy couldn't quite name.

"If you want there to be." With those six words, Randy gave Evan the one thing he had always withheld: control. What happened next would be entirely in Evan's hands.

Evan shook his head, "I can't handle this. You ruin my career, you break my heart, you screw me over and then you say it's up to me if we continue this fucked up thing we call a relationship? Screw you Randy."

"You're right. You've always been right. You're better off without me." Randy slumped against the wall, as if struck by a killer blow.

"I know." The younger man sighed, "I just don't fucking understand why you're the hardest addiction to quit. Even after everything, there's a nagging little voice in my head saying to give you a chance, that people can change. After all, I changed."

The Viper didn't dare speak; if Evan was going to throw him a lifeline the last thing he wanted to do was brush it aside.

"But then, it's easy to get clean when there's no one spiking your drink. And it's easier to move on with distance between you. And with help."

Randy's heart fell. Hearing Evan speak his crime aloud felt like the world crashing down on him. He knew, even if by some miracle, Evan one day forgave him, Randy would never forgive himself. His crime would always cast a shadow. He looked up at Evan, apology on his lips, and realised something. "Someone has helped you move on?"

Evan nodded, the smile that first captivated Randy crossing his face briefly.

"I hope he's everything I couldn't be. And I will try to make it right, I swear to you." Randy stood up, knowing that the battle had been lost, "I lost a friend through my own stupidity, but I hope that one day he might forgive me."

Evan closed his eyes, "I hope so too."

As they walked to the door, Randy ventured one last question, "can I ask who?"

"Don't make this any harder," Evan opened the door, "goodbye Randy."

As the door slammed shut, Randy knew that the damage he had done to Evan was pretty much beyond repair, in every respect. He only hoped that whoever it was who Evan had turned to was worthy of him.