AUTHOR'S NOTE:

FIC SQUICK FUN was an idea by Luvscharlie (on the HP_PORN IN THE SUN Livejournal site) where you mention the thing(s) that bug you about fanfic and then someone spoofs them in a short ficlet (under 1000 words).

THE CHALLENGE I ANSWERED THIS TIME: looneylunafan's fic squick to be cracked open required…

- I would have to say the first is the idea of all the members of Hogwarts being blessed with Greek God and Goddess like bodies - specifically with the phrase "curves in all the right places" - *barf* But really... There's no way ALL the girls have a flat stomach and creamy smooth skin while all of the guys have 6 packs and seeker-reflexes.

Hope you enjoy! Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter," nor any of its characters, nor do I profit in any way from the use of said characters and situations in this writing.

Characters (alphabetical order, last name): Lavender Brown, Millicent Bulstrode, Vincent Crabbe, Seamus Finnegan, Gregory Goyle, Hermione Granger, Astoria Greengrass, Daphne Greengrass, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Blaise Zabini

Genres: Comedy

Rating: PG-13(profanity)

FIC SQUICK FUN: WE'RE SO HOT

By: RZZMG

"Oh, my God… would you look at them!" Ginny sighed, staring slack-jawed at the feast of flesh laid bare before her. "They're all so… fuck me, I want!"

"Wipe the drool from your chin, She-Weasel," Parkinson snarked. "And stand in line, little girl."

Hermione elbowed her dark-haired rival in the ribs. "Shhh, both of you. I don't fancy getting caught staring. They've got big enough egos as it is."

All of the witches huddled closer and went silent, watching the cream of the Gryffindor and Slytherin wizarding crop flying about on their broomsticks without their shirts on, as they played an impromptu pick-up Quidditch game. Gods, they were gorgeous – Greek Gods every one of them, even Crabbe and Goyle! Six-packs and seeker-reflexes… it was enough to make a girl reach for her vibrator.

"Have you ever seen such perfection?" Lavender sighed with yearning. "Tight abs, sexy arses, curves in all the right places."

All of the girls agreed with a hum and a nod.

"Potter's mine, so hands off, ladies," Pansy arrogantly announced. Every face turned towards her in shock. The Queen of Silver and Green merely licked her lips and smirked. "I've already marked that territory – many, many times, in fact, so get over it."

Ginny was silent a moment, staring through narrowed eyes at the group. "Fine, but I get Zabini."

"I call dibs on Ron!" Lavender enthusiastically whispered, bouncing up and down and waving her hand in the air like it was her turned to be called on.

"Finnegan," Daphne Greengrass eyed the Irish wonder-bread like he was the only piece of toast on the planet and she a starving maiden. "And Nott." Her blue eyes shifted to the tall, dark-haired boy who flew past at amazing speed.

Neville's claim hardly shocked anyone – the boy had been 'out of the closet,' down the hall and around the corner for a while now. "Goyle's got the perfect abs, don't you think?"

Millicent cleared her throat. "Crabbe and I have been dating in secret."

"Malfoy!" both Hermione and Astoria Greengrass claimed simultaneously. They got into a nasty stare-off contest as a result. It was silent for a moment as everyone watched the two witches circle each other like vultures scrapping for the last bit of meat. Their foreheads pressed together and their faces turned puce.

"I called it first," the younger one bit.

"MINE," Hermione snarled.

They jumped for each other, claws extended, at the same time, and soon the fights broke out between all of them as they tried to break things up, only to end up sucked into the bickering and hair-pulling as well. Voices raised, screams bellowed and secrecy was blown all to shite in mere seconds.

X~~~~~X

From their perches up on their brooms in the sky, the two Quidditch teams stared down at where the pig pile of witches were bickering, punching and clawing now.

"Told you," Draco snickered.

Weasley tilted his broom downward and openly gaped. "Blimey, look at them go! Holy shite – 'Mione just popped the Greengrass girl in the nose!"

"Women are territorial," Zabini nonchalantly expressed with a shrug, his burly shoulders bunching up.

Theo nodded in agreement, wiping sweat from his brow. "Makes them predictable."

Finnegan ran his hands over his chest and abs, sighing with contentment. "Ya, well, can't deny we're hot studs. Girls'll be dumb not ta notice."

"Feels wrong, though," Vinny commented. "You know, to manip-… manip-… uh, fuck with them this way."

Goyle slapped Crabbe upside the head. "Don't even think about getting soft now. We've got 'em right where we want 'em! Malfoy's potion is working perfectly."

Draco laced his fingers and cracked them over his head, stretching to make sure he was giving anyone who looked up a good show of his flawlessly-proportioned, alabaster torso. "Yeah, that glamour draught is something else. One sip and you're good for a day's worth of sleek perfection. Shiny hair, shimmering eyes, and assures curves in all the right places. I should thank my old man for the recipe."

Potter ran a hand over his well-defined pecks. "Hmmm… I wonder if we could make it a permanent effect? Dark magic or not, I kind of like it."