Moments of Always
"Moments of Always" is a series of short stories describing single "moments" in the lives of the Castle Season 9 characters, in the first year after Lily's birth.
These stories have been written by various authors and curated/edited by members of the Castle Season 9 team.
Each story stands alone as its own "universe" - they are not intended to present a continuous narrative. They are not being posted in chronological order.
Think of them as little snapshots of "what might have been."
We hope you enjoy them!
Moments of Always: Stone Cold Fear
Written by EllaNight
Editing/Beta by The-KLF, Meg Moore, and acertainzest
Kate doesn't think she's ever been so panicked in her life. She's been through more near-death experiences than she can count on both hands; has stood in front of a bomb that was mere seconds from blowing the city to rubble; has faced serial killers and the wrath of a hungry tiger; but the terror that overtakes her now doesn't even compare.
She thinks the only thing that comes close is when she dealt with nearly losing Rick. But even that, she thinks, is nothing in comparison to the fear-inducing shrieks that escape the small body she holds to her chest.
Lily hasn't stopped crying since she woke from her afternoon nap and it's scaring the shit out of her. She isn't usually like this; her baby girl sometimes cries when she wakes but she lets herself be comforted whenever she or Rick pick her up from the crib.
It's been hours and the piercing wails haven't stopped. She's tried everything. She's tried feeding and Lily will have none of it, she's tried cuddles and playful distractions - even tried to replicate some of the silly faces Castle pulls that always manage to make their daughter laugh - she's tried the pacifier and even singing to her. Usually Kate's singing will lull her to sleep but it does absolutely nothing to soothe the cries her daughter bellows. She's been rocking her for the past half hour and Lily is clinging to her as if begging her to make it stop but god, she has no idea what her baby wants, what she needs.
Her chest constricts, feels like it's caving in on itself and Kate can't help the tears that escape and trail down her cheeks. She's failing her daughter.
She's tried calling Castle but her phone calls aren't going through. She never should have pushed him to leave on the book tour. He would know what to do. He always knows what to do. Unlike her. She isn't good at this, she doesn't know enough, can't even take care of her daughter alone for a couple of days.
Gina and Paula had been on his case to promote Heat Storm seeing as it would be the last of the series. He hadn't wanted to, hadn't wanted to leave her and Lily and to be completely honest, she hadn't really wanted him to either. But she knew this was important and she didn't want to be the coddling wife. Part of her also might have wanted to prove to herself that she could do this on her own, that she was good enough. A good enough mom.
Well, she'd been wrong. She can't do this, can't be what her daughter needs.
She doesn't blame him for not picking up his phone. He'd called her during his lunch break while Lily was asleep and she'd told him everything was fine. She regrets pushing him to go on the tour now, regrets not asking him to come home.
Lanie's gone, Ryan is probably home with his own family and Espo has to be busy with Marisa and Richie. She doesn't have anyone to call.
She's on her own.
Shaking herself, Kate wipes the tears from her cheeks and continues to rock Lily in her arms, hoping she might fall asleep. Lily doesn't need her to be a sobbing mess right now. No, she needs her to be an adult, a good mother and to figure out what's going on. She needs to get it together. Breathing in deeply, Kate pulls Lily from her body and notices her usually silky brown hair is sweaty and sticking to her forehead.
Her stomach drops like a stone and her heart rate quickens as it becomes strikingly clear that this isn't a normal tantrum. She takes her hand from Lily's back and rests her wrist against the smooth skin of her daughter's forehead.
She's boiling. Shit. Oh god, she's sick. No, no, no, this cannot be happening.
She rushes to the bathroom with Lily in her arms and rummages through the cabinets as quickly as she can, Lily's shrilling cries still piercing through her ears. It distracts her, has her hands shaking as she attempts to find the damn thermometer. Finally she manages to land her hand on the device to be placed on Lily's forehead. Kate brings her back to the couch in the living room and places her down on the cushions, tries to keep her as still as possible under the circumstances as she places the device on top of her head.
She chants soothing words, tries to get them both calm.
"I'm so sorry, baby," she whispers, attempts to reassure her with her tone of voice even though she knows Lily can't understand the words she says. "I know this is horrible. I know. We'll call Daddy and he'll come see you as soon as he can, I promise. And Mama will take you to see the doctor and they'll help you feel better." She talks, tries to reassure herself as much as Lily that this will all be okay, smoothing her hair back and rubbing her tummy.
The temperature device beeps and she looks over at the screen, insides clenching as she reads the number it displays. 103 F. She has a fever. A very high fever.
Shit. They need to get to the emergency room. Now.
"Okay, baby. We're going to see the doctor. But it's cold outside and you'll have to help me with the winter clothes okay?" She knows it's useless, knows putting on her coat and boots and scarf will be a battle as it usually is, only worse now that Lily is burning up and is already crying at the top of her tiny lungs.
Her cell phone rings just as she picks up Lily, heading to the front door and she almost whimpers when she sees Castle's face on the screen.
"Rick," she breathes into the receiver.
"Hey, is everything okay?" He already sounds panicked, must have heard it in the quality of her voice. There's also no way he can't hear Lily's screams through the phone. "Kate, what's wrong."
"She's sick, hasn't stopped crying since she woke up at two and I just took her temperature and she has a fever and oh god, I have no idea how I'm going to get her in a coat-" She's rambling and on the verge of tears again when he stops her.
"Kate, Kate, listen to me. You're doing everything you possibly can. Wrap her in the warmest blanket we have, you know the one we usually keep in the closet upstairs?"
Yes, she knows the one he's talking about. "Okay," she says, her breath shaky but she follows his advice and heads upstairs with Lily in one arm and the other holding onto the phone. He always knows what to do. Kate grabs the blanket form the closet and puts the phone down, hitting speaker so she can hear his voice, have him there to guide her through this. She lays Lily down on the bed in Alexis' room and rolls her up in the warm blanket, making sure it wraps around her tiny body like a cocoon. Lily's cries seem to grow even louder, probably now overheating her in the blanket due to her fever.
"I know honey, I'm so sorry. We're leaving right now," she whispers as she picks her up from the bed, grabs her phone and rushes down the stairs.
"Okay, get her to the nearest hospital. Don't forget to put on a coat yourself, you could get sick too, Beckett."
She doesn't answer, doesn't have time to worry about herself right now.
"It'll be okay, right Castle?" She asks even though she knows he can't reasonably answer that, he isn't even here. He can't promise her anything.
"Kate, I have no doubt you did everything you could. She's going to be okay, she just needs to see a doctor, that's all," he says, his voice reassuring.
"Yeah," she says, only half believing it. "Okay. I have to go. I'll call you when I have news. I love you."
"I love you too."
Kate pockets the phone, places Lily in her carrier and grabs her keys.
The cab ride is one of the longest of her life. The driver looks annoyed at the incessant crying and she has to resist the urge to punch him. Her daughter is sick, it isn't her fault for crying, it's the only way she knows how to express her distress seeing as she's not even a year old.
To his credit though, the driver does get them to the hospital pretty quickly and so she refrains from glaring at him when she pays the bill. She rushes into the emergency room and doctors are immediately there to assess the situation. Infants and children are usually a top priority.
"Did you take her temperature?" the nurse asks Kate as she touches the back of her fingers to Lily's forehead.
"Yes, she was at 103 when we left the house and I immediately brought her here."
"You did well," the nurse tells her and although she doesn't quite believe it, to hear the words from someone who isn't her husband makes her feel a little bit better. Kate takes Lily out of the carrier, uncovering her from the blankets, hoping to help her cool off. She's still crying but clings to Kate, her small hands balled into fists, holding on to the material of her coat. "Come on back to the examination room."
She nods, follows the nurse. Kate can feel how warm Lily's body is against hers and she curses herself for not realizing that her daughter was sick sooner. How did she not notice she had a fever? Lily is restless against her chest, still crying, and Kate does her best to try and soothe her without touching too much of her skin to avoid transferring more of her body heat. "It's going to be okay, Lilypad. The doctors are going to help you now, I promise. You'll feel so much better soon and you'll be able to sleep," she whispers in her daughter's ear.
"That's good," the nurse says as she closes the door behind them and gestures towards the chair for Kate to sit down. "You should keep talking to her, do your best to try and keep her as calm as possible. Usually hearing Mom's voice helps with that," the nurse smiles encouragingly. Kate nods, a small wave of relief washing over her. At least she's done one thing right.
"I'm just going to take her temperature again to see if there's been any change since you left home and then we'll bring the doctor in to check on this little one," she explains, and Kate has no idea how this woman is so calm and collected with a baby screaming her lungs out about five feet away, but it's damn impressive.
The nurse repeats the same procedure she did at home and she tried her best to keep Lily calm and keep her from writhing or twisting away from the nurse.
"Alright, it looks like she's still got a bit of a fever. I'll send a doctor in here to do some more tests; it shouldn't be too long," she assures them.
But she's so very wrong. The wait for a doctor to walk through the door seems endless.
Once the nurse is out of sight, Kate takes a seat with Lily still crying in her arms. She pulls her phone out of her purse and notices she has two missed calls from Castle and a text.
I'm on the next flight out, I'll see you soon. Hang in there.
Her heart lightens slightly at the thought of him being home, as much as it can given Lily's sharp cries. He'll be here soon. It comforts her, almost as though things will all be okay once he gets here. Realistically she knows it isn't the case but she basks in the feeling nonetheless. He might not be able to magically make things alright, but him being here will definitely make them more bearable. Kate tries calling him back but it goes straight to voicemail, figures his phone is already off for the flight.
"Daddy's on his way, sweetheart," Kate whispers to Lily, holding her close and swaying. "It's going to be okay," she repeats for what she thinks must be the hundredth time in the last few hours. She just wishes someone could confirm it.
She waits for what feels like an hour until the doctor comes in and greets her.
"Hi there, I'm Dr. Pearson," he greets them as he walks in, the nurse from earlier right behind him.
"Kate," she introduces herself, shaking the hand he extends. "And this is Lily."
"Nice to meet you. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. I saw Lily's temperature is at 103. Have you given her anything at home like Tylenol or Motrin?" Kate's eyes widen, the vice grip around her heart tightening, pressing down on her chest as she shakes her head. Oh god, she should have given her something before they left to come here. The doctor must see the look of horror on her face and cuts in before she even has the chance to answer properly.
"Hey, it's no problem. You did well to bring her here. Do you mind if we give her a dose of Tylenol here? It should help with the fever."
"Of course," Kate says quickly, nodding as she runs her hands up and down Lily's back in soothing motions.
The doctor pulls a new, plastic covered syringe from his white coat's pocket and quickly fills it with liquid Tylenol. Lily continues to cry, and it seems to get even louder when the doctor leans over to put it into her mouth. She struggles against Kate's arms but the doctor somehow manages to get her to close her mouth around the round plastic syringe and for her to swallow the medicine down.
"I'm just going to examine Lily, so if you could just hold her on your lap, that would be great." She nods, settling Lily on her thighs with her arms at her waist to support her. She's so small. How did she let her little girl get sick and not notice until her fever was so high? Kate focuses on Lily, wiping the streaks of tears from her cheeks and continuing to talk to her. She thinks the doctor takes a look at her ears and nose and maybe her throat despite Lily's very blatant protest but she's honestly too flustered to pay attention for long.
By the time Dr. Pearson steps away, Lily's cries have started to die down to soft whimpers, and she feels her small body sag against hers, hiding her face in Kate's neck. Oh god, the Tylenol must have started to kick in.
Kate exhales a long breath, holding Lily to her chest, rubbing her back with her hands and pressing soft kisses to the back of her head. She feels her heart rate finally start to decelerate for the first time in hours. Her baby's okay. She's going to be okay. She's still a little warm to the touch, but not as much as when she brought her in she thinks; she isn't sweating through her clothes anymore and she isn't recoiling from the skin to skin contact.
"What happened?" Kate asks, turning back to the doctor. She needs to know. If she did something wrong, something to endanger her daughter, she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to look at herself in the mirror again but she still needs to know. She can't let it happen again.
"From what I can see, this seems to be a pretty normal case of respiratory infection," the Dr. Pearson explains. "It's not really anything you can control, and actually normal given the lower immune system of children. It's due to a virus, like a cold or the flu."
This was normal?
"Her fever seems to be dying down, so that's a very good sign. I would suggest keeping a close eye on her for the next week. You can give her more tylenol if she needs it or if her fever comes back but I'm confident that she should be as good as new in a few days. You did the right thing bringing her in and at just the right time, too."
How on earth was this normal? She can't imagine having to go through this again and to think that this is something almost all parents have to deal with?
She takes in a shaky breath, collecting herself, running her thumb against the exposed skin of Lily's nape to remain calm. This was routine procedure and she managed to get through it. It'll be okay. Lily will be okay.
"Thank you," she says looking back at the doctor and the nurse hoping her eyes express the gratitude she feels.
"No problem at all, your daughter is pretty adorable when she isn't screaming at the top of her lungs."
Kate laughs, and it's watery but it feels good, feels like this nightmare is almost over and she'll be able to move past it. She looks down Lily, now sleeping against her shoulder.
"I'll just need you to come over here to sign a couple of forms and then you can take her back home."
Once the paperwork is done, she thanks the nurse again and heads over to the seat she took in the waiting room to set Lily down in the carrier again, wrapping her up in the warm blanket.
Her little eyelids flutter and Kate reaches to smooth back the hair from her eyes. "Hey there, Lilypad. We're going home," she coos in a low voice so as not to disturb everyone around her. "And Daddy will be here soon and we can all settle in for warm cuddles. It'll be a special treat." Lily looks at her blankly, she doesn't smile very often - and most of the time it's Rick who manages to coax one out of her with his silly faces - but she reaches for her hand and wraps her fingers around her thumb. Kate's heart swells in her chest and, god, she never thought she'd love such a small human being so much.
She taps her index finger to her button nose and Lily's face scrunches up adorably. And just like that, she begins dozing off again. Yeah, that much crying must have been exhausting.
Taking a deep breath and retracting her hand from Lily's fingers which have gone slack, Kate takes the carrier in her hands and heads out of the emergency room, easily hailing a cab to take them home.
They get to the loft and though Kate feels the exhaustion seeping into her bones, she's way too wired for sleep. She also doesn't want to take her eyes off Lily. Kate takes her straight up to her bedroom, taking her from the carrier and laying her down in the crib, making sure the blankets aren't too tight or over-heating her skin. She feels her cheeks and her forehead with the back of her fingers once again, just checking to make sure that her body temperature hasn't risen.
She breathes a sigh of relief when she feels no difference between the heat of her fingers and her daughter's smooth skin.
Pulling up the rocking chair in the nearby corner, Kate takes a seat beside the crib and watches Lily sleep, keeps tab of the cadence at which her chest rises and lowers with every breath she takes.
It's absolutely overwhelming, the love she feels for this child. She never thought she'd be able to love a human being the way she loves Lily. Castle also has her heart in an altogether not so different all-consuming way but this... This she never thought she'd have. And she does. Oh, how she loves her.
She sits and keeps watch for what feels like minutes but realizes has to be more when she jumps at the sound of footsteps just outside the nursery.
Rick.
"Hey," he whispers, doesn't want to risk waking Lily, and Kate rises from the chair without a moment's hesitation, wrapping her arms around his waist as soon as he's close enough.
His arms come around her and it's like a balm, an instant relief to the pain and fear and the overwhelming emotion she's been holding in since Lily woke from her nap, her cries piercing through the loft and baby monitor.
And suddenly, with him there, his arms around her, his scent enveloping her, the floodgates open, even though she thought she was done with crying for the day.
Apparently not.
Tears roll down her cheeks and soak through the material of his shirt but he doesn't seem to mind, only holds her tighter against him, his hands running soothing motions down her back as he whispers reassurances in her ear.
"Kate, you did everything right, you got her treated by a doctor and she's going to be okay." And then, as though reading her mind, "You're a good mom, love."
Hearing him say it feels nice, but she has a feeling this insecurity isn't about to evaporate so soon. She'll have to convince herself that she's good enough. Castle must sense that she's not entirely certain, that she doesn't fully believe him and he kisses her temple before pulling back.
"Look at me, Kate. It could have been anybody. It could have been me and I wouldn't have done anything differently."
"You don't even know what happened. How can you be so sure it wasn't my fault?"
"I see you with our daughter every single day. The way you take care of her, Kate. You're there the second she needs anything. You love her so much and I know you did everything any amazing parent would have done. Because that's the kind of mom you are. Please don't doubt that," his voice is warm and sincere and it's everything she wants to hear.
"I was so scared, Rick. She wouldn't stop crying and nothing I did was what she needed. I just- I couldn't be what she needed."
His confidence in her never wavers. "Kate, she needed a doctor. You aren't superman, although you come in pretty close," he smiles when he says it and it has the corner of her lips twitching upward. "All you could do was bring her to the emergency room and that's exactly what you did. It's normal to be scared. When Alexis broke her arm, I wouldn't let her out of my sight for a week. It's not fun, but it's normal. What did the doctor tell you?" He asks, his eyes turning concerned for their daughter and she realizes she practically tackled him in a hug when he arrived to cry on his shoulder, didn't even give him the chance to see Lily.
She twines their fingers and brings him over to the crib where their little girl is sound asleep. He smiles and smooths his thumb over their daughter's hair, unable to resist touching her. She can relate.
"They said it was a respiratory infection, similar to a virus from a flu. Said it was pretty normal at her age given her low immune system. They gave her antibiotics and I have a prescription for her. They said she'll be okay."
She repeats what the nurse had told her for him as much as for her, still needs convincing that their baby girl will be okay.
Castle pulls back from the crib, probably not wanting to wake Lily and pulls Kate over to the rocking chair that's big enough to fit the both of them. She sits with him, laying her head on his shoulder and finally lets the day's exhaustion knock into her. Every fiber of her body feels heavy, her limbs, her head, her eyelids. And so, lying against him with their daughter an arm's length away sleeping peacefully, Kate lets herself drift to sleep.
She wakes and bristles when the comfort of the sheets is too familiar. She's in their bed. Lily.
"Hey," she hears, and he must register that she's awake and already on the verge of panicking, but he's here.
The sound of his voice steadies her heart rate and Kate turns to her other side to face him. It's early, around the time she usually feeds Lily and this is probably why she's awake despite how tiring yesterday was.
"Hey," she answers and the smile blooms across her lips as she sees him sitting up against the headboard with Lily in his arms.
"I didn't want you to worry when you woke up so I brought her down. You also needed a decent night's sleep and that wasn't happening on the rocking-chair."
Lily is awake, but seemingly content to be in her father's arms, as her head lies on his chest, her arms tucked in close to her body as she happily sucks on the pacifier.
They make a heart-stopping pair, the two of them.
"Good morning, Lilypad," she says, sitting up, her arm reaching out to stroke her short brown hair. It's starting to be long enough to curl at the ends and Rick thinks it's absolutely adorable. She can't say she disagrees, only she knows how much may have to struggle in the future to tame them.
"She usually isn't this calm in the morning. They must have given her the good stuff."
"She isn't on morphine, Castle," she rolls her eyes but her smile never falters. "Thank you for coming home last night," she tells him, swooping in to press a gentle kiss to his lips. They're warm and soft against hers, a hint of stubble peppering his jaw and just a simple touch has her craving more of him. Later. Definitely later.
He hums into their kiss.
"Nothing to thank me for, Kate. You and this little one and the rest of our family will always come first. Thank you for taking care of her."
He's sweet, and she knows he means it. Kate scoots closer so that she too can lay her head on Castle's chest and twine her fingers with his, her other hand tracing patterns over Lily's back.
She'll be okay. They can do this together. As a team, they can nurse their daughter back to health.