Title: Cinderquinna
Fandom: Glee/Cinderella
Genre: Romance/Humour/Crazy
Status: Complete
Pairing(s): Mainly Quinderella/ Princess Rachel Bharming, some William Schuespear/ Emmas Pillsburith on the side.
Rating: T. Mostly crack, but very mildly implied sexual innuendos. Very, very mild swearing. Where did all my swearing go, I do wonder.
Words: 4,341
Spoilers: None, it's AU. Very, very, very, cracky.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Cinderella.
Note: Based loosely off Disney's Cinderella. Very loosely. Also, completely insane. Absolutely crazy. I don't know where the heck this came from. Wait, I do. From the flu and lots of paracetamol and coffee. Try to catch all the not-very-subtle references I made from other stories/tv shows/whatever popped into my mind. Answers will be revealed at the end of the story.
Once upon a time, there lived a submissive man named Russell Fabrayel. When he was young, he married the love of his life, Shelbias Corcorannias. Unfortunately, she got bored of him and fled to New York for a flashy career in something called theatre, which involved singing and dancing at the same time. Exceedingly ridiculous, he thought, but he couldn't do nothing about it. She did, however, before leaving, give birth to a beautiful blonde baby with hazel eyes, whom she named Quinnius Fabrayel. Even at a month old, he knew she would be the prettiest, most beautiful baby ever borne, but unfortunately, she had no mother. Submissive and tired of being a single parent, Russell Fabrayel foolishly decided to marry a well-known domineering woman- Judiath Biatchiath.
Judiath Biatchiath had a colourful history which shall not be mentioned here because this is a children's story and it involves lots of nasty role-playing in bed. And also, murder. Also, lots of inheritance money after the murders. She, a widow 5 times over, came with a set of twins, Brittaniath and Santaniath. She herself a blonde-haired, blue eyed beauty gave birth to one blonde and fair-skinned, one dark-skinned and brunette, child, both beautiful. But none of the three could come close to looking like Quinnius Fabrayel. Thus, by the time they (the twins, not the mother), were 5 years old, and the mother was older (she never revealed her age), they had come to despise Quinnius for her beauty, even though she could make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which the locals considered a great delicacy.
It came to be that Russell Fabrayel began to work early mornings and later nights. This left the woman, Judiath Biatchiath and the three children alone at home. Mostly, Brittaniath and Santaniath, who were often called Brit and San, lazed around making messes. Judiath Biatchiath spent most of her time hanging out in her room painting her toenails obsessively, changing the colour every few hours. Quinnius, who by then was 8 years of age and was often called Quin, spent much of her time cleaning up the messes of Cheetos and Doritos her step-sisters left on the floor. She also grudgingly cleaned up the spilled nail polish her step-mother so often spilled over the wooden sofa they owned.
Quin spent whatever free time she had sitting in front of the fireplace, getting soot all over her dress. She never told anyone why she sat there, but she was in fact talking to her imaginary friend, Puck the Duck, who lived in the fireplace. She did this until she was 10 years old, then she realized he didn't exist. Then she started sitting there just to piss her step-mother off, because Russell Fabrayel had demanded Judiath do the laundry when he came home to find 7 year old Quin scrubbing dresses twice her height and double her girth with a scrub the size of her head. Judiath Biatchiath had been furious, because doing the laundry damaged her nails, but she compromised by making Quin fix her nails on one hand as she cleaned clothes with the other. And then she would switch her hands.
When they were 11, San, the fiercer and meaner of the twins, dubbed Quin 'Cinderquinna' because she spent so much time in front of the fireplace 'cinders'. Get it? Cinders? Quin? Cinderquinna? She was covered in soot so much of the time no one could see much else. Well, at any rate, the name stuck. Davius Karofskius, the bully of the local school, spread the name and it soon became the only thing she was known by. Even the nicest teacher in school, William Schuespear, accidentally let slip the name once in class. Suella de Vester, the cruellest teacher in school who taught the kids how to kick people in the shins, made sure to mock Quin everyday with this name. The head of the school, Figginsson, a man who suffered from what the townspeople called 'oblivious', simply had no idea that Quin's actual name was 'Quin'. He had always called her Cinderquinna. Brit, who was busy dancing at the time, couldn't stop San from spreading the name, and after that she just didn't care.
In school, there were two boys who often flirted with Brit and San. One of them, an abnormally tall boy who hunched so often his back was permanently hunched, was called. Finnush Hudsush. He always had a foolish, blank grin on his wide face. He often forgot who he was talking to when Brit and San smiled at him at the same time. His friend, a shorter boy with a strange hairdo, was called Noah Puckah. He had taken a razor to his hair two days before school first started and slashed off the hair on both sides of his head, leaving only a length of hair in the middle. He called it a Mohawk; everyone else called it stupid.
The only friends Quin had was a measly lot of people. One, Tianna Cohenna, had trouble speaking and often couldn't say her name properly. She had described her problem as a stustustutehter, but Quin had no idea what that was. The boy she always hung out with had a limp leg, which meant he often walked very slowly. His name was Arthur Abramsus, but he was shy and seldom spoke. Another twosome who joined them in their solitude often were Kurtis Hummelum and Merce Das Jonas. Merce Das Jonas was a girl on the large side who spoke her mind very loudly all the time, which both offended people and made them fear her. The solved the problem of how to act around her by not hanging around her at all. Kurtis Hummelum, a smaller boy who was often picked on by dumb people like Davius Karofskius, stuck close to her side whenever he could to not attract attention to himself. Quin had her suspicions about him not liking the female gender, but hey, she did, so that made things in their mismatched group even.
When they were 16 and about to leave school to work in the same town they grew up, doing the job their parents did to marry the partners their parents chose to have children their parents had to repeat the entire process, it came to be that a Princess decided to visit their small, unimportant town. Her name was Princess Rachel Bharming and she was well-known for her singing skills all over the country. She had performed in countless venues to various types of crowds. She performed free for the orphans in the street, then charged double to the richer crowd to make ends meet. The people of that small town had only ever heard her name and her singing.
Riding a fine black horse, dressed in red pants and a yellow collarless jacket trimmed with gold, fringed epaulettes, the person who rode into town with an entourage of at least 10 people trailing behind her on smaller horses certainly did not fit into their visions of Princess Rachel Bharming. Especially when she hopped off her horse and barely came up to the shoulders of the other 16 year olds gathered in the town square. With flowing brown hair and deep brown eyes, Quin was immediately enchanted, but also devastated, as she knew she had no chance. Surely such a beauty would have a beau?
But wait, a wide-eyed woman who looked terribly afraid of the dirt on the ground was holding up a scroll and reading something out loud. "Hello, townspeople of Limia, Ohia! We come in peace! My name is Emmas Pillsburith and I represent the star of the century, Princess Rachel Bharming. It has come to our attention that at 16 years of age, Princess Rachel Bharing is immensely talented, but horribly single. As with every other town we have stopped in, we will be holding a party, and all those 16 years of age can attend, whether they be male, female or anything in between.' Her voice shook at that, but she plowed on in determination. "Tomorrow night at precisely 8 o' clock, all those who wish to court the Princess may come to the glaringly large tent we will set up and sing a song."
The townspeople looked around at each other, absurdly confused. Sing a song?
"The Princess will choose her husband or wife, as it may be, based on how well they can sing. After all, the star of the century cannot have a partner who cannot sing. The one she chooses will go with her to New York and live with her. Princess Rachel Bharming has riches beyond your imagination, and the person she chooses to wed will be taken care of very well in regards to comfort. But of course, the Princess requires no dowry and has no bride price. She will, however, handsomely reward the household her future husband or wife comes from so that they are not left to die without any means of support. That is all, although if you could give me a wet cloth to clean my shoes off it would be much appreciated,' she squealed the last part. William Schuespear immediately rushed forward, a wet cloth cluthed in his hand.
The townspeople nod and set off. Those who had children around the age of 16 began making plans to either make their unwed children look older or younger to be able to fool the Princess. Quin, a fierce look on her face, began to run back to her home to prepare her dress, but was knocked over by Brittaniath and Santaniath. Mostly Santaniath, because Brittaniath was busy staring at the ducks in the fountain.
"What do you want from me, Santaniath? I have no time to waste on you; I have a dress and a song to prepare,' she growled at the haughty girl in front of her.
Raising her nose as high as it would go, Santaniath smirked and said, "Why bother, Cinderquinna, when you know Judiath will give us her best dresses? You don't stand a chance. I don't particularly like the look of that Princess Rachel and her overly large nose, but I think I could put up with her for the riches I'd get in return. And I know you only have sooty, ugly, fashion disaster dresses in your wardrobe."
Quin felt her heart break at the words, but her face was still hard. "Get out of my way, Santaniath. I will make my own dress that will outshine yours by far."
A tinkling laugh came from behind San. "Oh Quin,' Brittaniath laughed, 'Oh San, neither of you stand the tiniest chance. I have this awesome yellow dress that ties in a ribbon behind to look like a duck. It's awesome. I'll be awesome. You'll both look terrible next to me because I'll look awesome."
Frowning at her twin, San said, "Uh, Brit? You need to sing her a song to win her stupid heart or something like that."
Brit giggled and said, "No you don't. Everyone loves ducks, okay? The Princess Bharming will love it. I forgot her middle name. C'mon, let's go home." Brit slipped her arm into San's and dragged her away, talking about ducks as she did. San just gave her a strange look, then shot an evil grin at Quin.
Quin sighed and sat down at the fountain. Santaniath had been right. Judiath Biatchiath would never lend Quin a dress, and without that dress, Quin had no beautiful dresses of her own, and without a beautiful dress, she could not possibly hope to impress the beautiful Princess, even if she was the best singer there the next night. Lost in thought, she didn't notice her group of mismatched friends creeping up on her.
"BOO!" they shouted in unison. Splash! went Quin backwards into the fountain. Coughing water, she glared at her sheepish friends. "What?"
Grinning, they just laughed for awhile. Then Kurtis coughed, and they immediately fell silent. "We saw the way you were looking at Princess Rachel Bharming,' he said, glancing around him as though afraid someone would hear him. Other than his friends and the ducks, no one else was around.
Quin's face fell and hardened. "How did I look at her, Sir Kurtis, pray tell?" she mocked.
Merce Das scoffed and butted in with, "You looked like you wanted to take her home to your bed and-"
"Mur-Mur-Mur-Ce-das-dah!" Tianna interrupted, blushing furiously, but not half as hard as Quin was blushing. She was red up to the tips of her ears and her nose. She looked like she was about to explode.
She jumped out of the fountain and succeeding in splashing them with some of the water. Raising her nose haughtily, she said, "Well I never. I thought you were my friends. I suppose not." And then she turned to walk away.
An exasperated Kurtis leaned over to grab her hand. "We're not going to exploit that, Quinnius, dear. I've always known you prefer the company of your own gender,' he remarked, shrugging. She squinted at him, then at the other three people, who were nodding. "And I told them, and they said it made sense. That's why the beautiful Cinderquinna had never had a boyfriend."
Looking in a different direction and still working off her embarrassment, Quin asked shyly, "How did you know?"
Kurtis smiled and said, "You stare at girls far more than you stare at boys. You barely look at boys. And of course, it takes one to know one." Kurtis winked, and Quin nodded, accepting the admission he had given her.
Arthur coughed. "So anyway, Quin, none of us are interested in the Princess. She's kind of pretty, but-" he choked. Quin had a death grip on his neck. Snarling, she said, "She is not kind of pretty. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and her eyes... Her eyes..." Lost in thought, she didn't notice her grip getting tighter until Tianna nervously tapped her on the shoulder.
"Quih-Quih-Quih-Quin. I thu-thu-think you-you shuh-shuh-shoh leggogogo of Ar-Ar-Art..."
Then Quin looked down at the red-faced boy in her grip. "Oh." Arthur fell to the ground, waving a hand around and gasping that he was fine. Kurtis sighed and grabbed Quin's arm again, shaking her to stop her from daydreaming. "I know your step-mother is a total bitch, which ties in very well with her name, by the way, and she won't lend you a dress. That's perfectly fine, because her dresses are all so last season." Merce Das nodded enthusiastically alongside Kurtis, but Quin had no idea what he was rambling about.
"I have no idea what you're rambling about,' she said honestly.
He exchanged a sad sigh with Merce Das, then told Quin, "Well, hon, we're going to make you a dress. We're going to make you this beautiful strapless cocktail dress, I'm thinking perhaps something silvery or maybe red? You have very pale skin... Sleeves... No puffy sleeves,' he added sharply at Merce Das, who was sketching a dress on a pad of paper she had gotten from who-knows-where. "God, I can't believe people are still wearing those... I think.. Yes, strapless and.. Short, maybe? Yes, short. Thigh length." Quin gaped at Kurtis.
"Do you want me to look like a slut?" she gasped.
Kurtis shook his head and tutted. "Allow me to teach you this phrase, Quinnius, darling. Repeat after me: It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Say it,' he commanded.
Quin blinked owlishly. She had no idea what that meant, but she repeated it. "It's all about the teasing, and not about the.. pleasing?" she winced.
Satisfied, Kurtis sat behind Merce Das and started pointing out details and muttering things like "No, shorter, Murcedas, not longer. Yes, yes, definitely, of course." Quin felt apprehensive, but also grateful, so she decided not to meddle.
Arthur, having recovered from his coughing fit, tugged Quin down to sit between him and Tianna. "We're going to help you with your song,' he informed her, slightly wary of her hands.
Quin cocked her head at him. She had had no idea he could sing. "My mother taught me. And Tianna doesn't stumble over her words when she sings. We're going to teach you this fantastic song and I'm pretty sure she'll fall for you."
Quin felt her heart swell and she just grinned widely at her friends, who began to stare at her. She looked like the Cheshire Cat for a moment, but then she pulled her friends into a hug. Arthur stayed away from her hands. "I love you guys,' she muttered, a smile on her face.
"Sentimental moment over, Quin. I have a design to finish,' drawled Merce Das, tugging herself out of Quin's hug.
The next night, at half past seven, Quin was locked in her room, dressed in an ugly blue dress with puffy sleeves. Her eyes were swollen and her face was tear-stained and dirty. Brittaniath and Santaniath had already left with her step-mother, dressed in yellow(with a duck ribbon), dark green and black respectively. Her father was working somewhere out of state. She sighed and stared into the fireplace in her room. She had cried and pleaded and argued, but three against one left her in no position to fight. She had slammed her fists against the door after it closed, but it wouldn't open. So, at half past seven, she sat there in front of the fireplace, waiting for a miracle.
Her miracle came in the form of a furious Kurtis Hummelum, Merce Das Jonas, Tianna Cohenna, and Arthur Abramsus. She could hear Kurtis banging at her front door, screaming something that vaguely sounded like, "Quinnius Fabrayel! I demand an explanation of why you were not at my house 2 hours ago! Do you have any idea how long Murcedas and I worked on this dress? Quin! Open this door this instant! I swear to the fashion lords, I will break this door down right now! Quin!"
She hollered back, a small smile on her face, "Break it down! I'm locked in my room!"
A soft squeak and the pushing of a wooden door later, a muttered, "Just pull, you fool," and then there were shuffling footsteps in front of her doorway. "I got this,' Merce Das said cockily. And then she kicked the door down.
The next thing Quin knew, Kurtis had sat her down in front of her mirror and was wiping her face patiently with a wet cloth. Merce Das and Tianna had pushed Arthur out to 'guard' the door while they changed Quin into the dress they had not yet allowed her to see. Kurtis backed away for a moment as she slipped into the blood-red dress and Tianna tied it up at the back. The dress was a red that contrasted sexily against her pale skin. Strapless, it came under her arms, hugging her chest tightly, tied at the back by criss-crossing straps, tastefully showing off her back before ending in a 'V' shape above the curve of her back. It came to rest two inches above her knees. Quin felt slightly uncomfortable about revealing so much of herself, but Arthur, walking back in, nodded appreciatively.
"Thank you, but I should go; I'm going to be late,' Quin muttered, already disheartened.
Shaking his head firmly, Kurtis pushed her back into the chair. "It's called being fashionably late, Quin, where have you been? And, if you're the last performer, your performance will be freshest, therefore she will have the best memory of you. Arthur, Tianna, you made sure she can sing that song?"
The two of them nodded, watching in fascination as Kurtis swiftly dabbed powder and colour on Quin's cheeks. He flitted from Quin to the table, smoothing here and spraying there, combing a little on top, blow-drying at the back. Quin was stunned when he was finished. Her golden locks had been curled at the ends and left on top to cover her eyes delicately. He had gotten her a simple necklace that went with the dress. In short, she looked stunning, even if the dress was much shorter than what she usually wore.
She turned to her grinning friends who all wore self-satisfied smirks. She hugged each of them, the Kurtis squealed and exclaimed, "Fashionably late, Quin! Not completely remiss! Shoes! Here!" He tossed her a pail of red heels which fit her perfectly. Stumbling slightly, she followed him out the door. His carriage stood outside. "Get in, get in!" Kurtis sounded far too excited than he probably should have been. He sat in the driver's seat with Arthur while the other two girls fussed with an increasingly nervous Quin inside the bouncing carriage.
"Has Kurtis even passed the steering test yet?' she yelled at Tianna and Merce Das over the noise of the carriage.
They shrugged and held on tighter to the seats.
Minutes later, they were in front of an ostensibly large tent set up in the main square of the town. Gold on the outside, the sound of something singing horribly off pitch drifted out of the tent. He was rudely and angrily cut off by someone who sounded very frustrated. "I'd say your chances are pretty high, Quinnius,' Kurtis remarked as he helped her out of his carriage. He swept a few stray hairs into their rightful places, then guided her to the flap of the tent. "Quinnius Fabrayel!" he announced loudly into the fairly quiet tent, earning himself three loud gasps from the Biatchiath's.
Quin glided in as much as she could without tripping on her rather high heels. Heads turned as they finally saw the usually scruffy 'Cinderquinna' as the very beautiful 'Quinnius Fabrayel'. One person gave her a very close look from bottom to top, then back, then stopped at her eyes. Quin felt her eyes bore into the deep brown eyes of the Princess. They stood there, locked in the moment, until Emmas Pillsburith tapped Quin on the shoulder, startling her. Quin watched the woman quickly wipe her hand on a handkerchief which she tucked away somewhere. "Are you going to sing or not?"
Swallowing, Quin nodded and followed the auburn-haired woman up onto a small stage. The stage faced the Princess directly. Quin allowed her eyes to travel along the black dress the Princess had on that looked even shorter than hers. The neckline dipped tantalisingly low. The Princess smirked, winked at her, then gestured for the girl to continue. Quin swallowed again, feeling something in her throat obstruct her air. She coughed, then began to sing.
In your brown eyes I walked away
In your brown eyes I couldn't stay
In your brown eyes you'll watch her go
Then turn the record on and wonder what went wrong
What went wrong
She was nervous, because everyone was staring at her like she was crazy, but Rachel Bharming was staring at her with an intense look in her eyes that told her she wasn't doing anything wrong, so she continued.
If everything was everything but everything is over
Everything could be everything if only we were older
I guess it's just a silly song about you
And how I lost you and your brown eyes
Brown eyes. Oh god, hers were so beautiful. Quin felt herself falling into them, but the lyrics kept spilling out of her mouth. Her audience was entranced, but the only person she wanted to impress was the Princess, who was staring at her with an inscrutable look in her eyes. She took deep breaths and kept her voice steady, willing the Princess to give her another sign.
Everything was everything but baby, it's the last show
Everything could be everything but it's time to say goodbye, so
Get your last fix and your last hit
Grab your old girl with her new tricks
Honey yeah, it's no surprise that I got lost in your brown eyes
In your brown eyes, brown, brown eyes
Your brown eyes, brown, brown eyes
Got some brown eyes, brown, brown eyes
Your brown eyes
Three days later, Quinnius Fabrayel and her wife, Princess Rachel Bharming, travelled to New York, where they were a success in theatre. Quin never looked back, except to give her tearful friends her new address and numerous reminders to visit. Her father was still out of town, but Rachel, never on to go back on a promise, left behind a rather large sum of money for the Fabrayels. Quin's protests could not stop her. Eventually, Quin realized the Princess she married was slightly eccentric, extremely fun, used big words, and sang like an angel. She quickly fell into a love that was very much returned.
Russell Fabrayel ended up living in a larger home with more expensive things, but he still had the Biatchiaths, and he began to realize that marrying Judiath Biatchiath after knowing her all of 2 days had probably been a bad idea. He started to look for a divorce lawyer. After all, he now had an awesome bachelor pad.
Around the same time, Judiath also finally admitted that Santaniath wasn't actually Brittaniath's twin. That was why they looked nothing alike. She was her illegitimate daughter. After cursing Judiath for all her lies, Santaniath packed her bags and set out to see the world. Brittaniath ended up following her, because she wanted to see what ducks in places like Arizona looked like..
Emmas Pillsburith, after settling things will Bharming, stayed behind and married William Schuespear. They lived happily ever after, had lots of children, etc etc.
The End.
But not really, cause I didn't tell you about the part where Quinnius and Rachel have lots of crazy hot lesbian sex in New York after their theatre success. Like, every goddamn night. Their neighbours complained, but Gary never did anything about it. And they argued too, but lots of couples did that, so they couldn't complain.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End.
So. I don't know what that was. Are you traumatised?
I probably should go back to writing Mad World...
Plot bunnies. They bite me.
The answers- they are here.
Judy Biatchiath, obviously, bitch. I couldn't help myself, since I don't know her maiden name.
Schuespear - Shakespear - Schuester
Suella de Vester - Creulla de Vil - Sue Sylvester
Slight Hunchback of Notra Dame thing going on
Bharming, Charming. And Rachel's got a bit of Robin Hood thing going on. Sing to the poor, charge for the rich. Or something like that.
No matter what story, Brit will always, always, always, had a duck obsession. Your argument= non-existent.
Oh, and Gary. Avenue Q Coleman, Gary. R.I.P, man.
I think that's everything. Congratulations if you noticed them all.
Review, maybe? I might continue this crazy fairytale Faberry world some other time. I just had to get Cinderquinna out of the way.