AN: Sometime after Spike is chipped and starts helping them but before Buffy dies in Season 5, (not 4, thanks to Anthropormorphia for pointing out the typo. Pure dialogue, one-shot. Tad AU.

...Speaking of "Die"...

"Lemme go! Bloody hell, luv, geroff!"

"Shut up, Spike, you'll wake the whole neighborhood!"

"Din't know you were quite so kinky, Slayer, but this'd be a helluva lot easier if you'd untie me bloody hands!"

"I am warning, Spike. Shut up or else."

"Or else what? I think I like the sound of—Ow! Bloody hell, what was that fore?"

"I warned you, you idiot. Now be quiet and for the love of God stay still!"

"Then give a fellow a little warning before you pet 'im!"

"Spike—"

"What do you wan' me 't say? 'fore tyin' 'im up 'in running yore hands through his hair?"

"Spike!"

"What? All right, bloody hell I'm comin', woman, just get off me ear! Where're we goin'? The bathroom? Tad unsanitary, don'tcha think?"

"Bend over. And no more innuendo, please!"

"Innuendo? Innuendo nothing, that's blatant, luv. Damnit, that was cold, woman!"

"If you'd cooperated—"

"Cooperated? What the hell is goin' on?"

"Look in the mirror!"

"Smirk all you like, Slayer. I've got no reflection."

"Oh. Right. Well, we were playing truth or dare—"

"Yes?"

"Dawn dared me to dye your hair pink."

Beat

"What? What? Bloody Bit is bloody—"

"Don't you dare threaten—"

"My hair—"

"My sister! If you so much as—"

"Dead! Dead I say! Limb from limb! Scattered to ashes! Burned! Murder! Kill! Blood!"

"Spike? Spike? Are you all right? You look—you look—"

"My hair! My—my—a pox—limb from—"

"Spike! Spike, I was joking! Spike, your hair is fine, I swear! Spike? Spike, can you get up? Spike?"

"I hate you."

"Spike?"

"Loathe you. Detest. Intensely dislike."

"You're still not forming complete sentences…"

"Shut it, Slayer. You wouldn't recognize a complete sentence if it bit your bloody blonde locks."

"Do you think you can stand up?"

"Bugger off! I don't need your bloody help!"

"You're still hyperventilating."

"Evil dead, 'member? Don't need t' breathe."

"That's my point."

Beat

"Right. Untie me, will you?"

"Right."

"Bit's dare, weren't it"? Bloody malicious one, in't she? Takes after you."

"Could've had me actually dye it couldn't she?"

"Not with Red there and her lady friend."

"Willow laughed."

"I hate 'er."

"Spike, you hate everyone."

"Your point?"

"You still help us."

"So 'm a bloody idiot. Your point?"

"Spike, shut up."

"Bite me."

"Look who's talking!"

"'m neutered, 'member. Now I've got preteen girls outwitting me. Bloody pathetic if you ask me."

"Where're you going?"

"Kitchen. Want a beer."

"We don't have any."

"You make me come and stay here and don't buy beer?!?"

"Underage."

"Yore the bloody Slayer!"

"Yore a vamp staying in her house. Yore point?"

"Don't mock me."

"Don't be stupid."

"Can't 'elp it, luv."

"Can you be more negative?"

"Yes, I can. Bloody awful hospitality, see if I bother to help you bloody scoobies out again."

"You seriously need to get out more. Build up some more self-esteem. Why don't you get a job?"

"Sun?"

"Work nights!"

"Sounds like a delightful eternity."

"And fainting because of pink hair is respectable?"

"I din't faint! Get back here! Slayer? Slayer!"

"Truth or dare, Spike?"

Beat

"Dare!"

"I dare you to apply to Target and work for a month."

"Slayer! That doesn't count!"

"Tell them you have a condition and can't be out in the sun, but you'll stock during the nights."

"Slayer! Wipe that bloody smirk—Slayer!"

"Your turn, Spike."

"Where's that bloody bit? She got hell comin' fer ruinin' me night!"

Beat

"I'd pick Truth if I were you, Dawn."