Twilight Discovers Germs
It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. The sky was cloudy and the air was damp from the recent showers, perfect for sleeping in, which was what Twilight Sparkle did on a regular basis. A lone sunbeam made its way through her window onto her face. Reluctantly, she stirred.
"Twilight, so you're finally awake," said Spike, standing next to her bed. He did not seem happy. "Princess Celestia sent you a package. Through me. A very bulky, thick-looking package. That tastes of postage glue. I mean, if she wanted to send it via dragonfire, what does she need postage glue for?" he grumbled, adding hastily, "not that there's anything wrong with that, all glory be to our glorious leader Celestia."
A package? Twilight immediately perked up. Her mentor did not normally send her gifts outside of her birthday and Celestimas. She got up and saw the package, wrapped in brown paper and twine, and magicked it to her. With a telekinetic tug, she undid the knot and opened the package to find a book with a letter attached to it.
"Wow, it's a book," said Spike.
"Yes, it is," replied Twilight, giggling a little. "Isn't this great? I can't wait to read it!"
"Oh, yes, books are awesome," said Spike nervously, "and so is Princess Celestia, hail Celestia. By the way do you think you could close those curtains? I think I saw the shadow of a spy outside."
"Oh, Spike." She opened the letter and had a read. "My faithful student Twilight Sparkle, this is a gift to you for stopping Discord. I know I have thanked you and your friends officially at the ceremony, but I feel that I should commend you personally as your mentor. I am very proud of you, Twilight, at your growth as a friend to others; now, I wish to help you in your growth as a student and academic. This book contains unreleased research from Equestria's own R&D team, and I hope that you find this an interesting topic to pursure. Sincerely, your loving mentor, Princess Celestia." She put down the letter. "Spike, isn't this wonderful? I can't wait to get into this! Imagine, the R&D team's own labours in my hooves!"
"Yeah, great, huh? I'll just go and clean somewhere not under the watch of the Pony Police," said Spike, taking his leave. "Breakfast is on the table."
Twilight shook her head and washed up. Spike could be so funny at times. She was very excited about the book. It was not bound like old tomes, and had a plastic, clinical look to it. The pages were bleached white and new. She wondered what it was about, as the cover page had no title. Bringing it next to her food, she opened it up and began to read.
The introduction was long, and consisted of thanks (and praise) to the royal sisters for their support for the project, recognition of a few pony philosophers who came up with the initial idea of "microbes", and a list of the members and methodology used in the project. Then it went on to address the now-itching question: What were microbes?
"Microbes are tiny creatures, invisible to the naked eye. We believe they are the main reason for diseases, from the common cold to life-threatening cancers, and not because of a failure to pay taxes and due homage to the royal family, not that there is anything wrong with doing those, glory to Celestia. These microbes are the most basic form of life, and reproduce at a shockingly fast rate."
This was news to her. Tiny creatures too small to see? The cause behind sickness? This was worth reading alright. She took a bite of hay as she read on.
"We believe," continued the report, "that these microbes are in fact everywhere and on every surface, as all of the areas, ranging from the fields of Appoloosa to the steps of the royal court in Canterlot, have tested positive for these creatures. Dirty areas have a greater density of these creatures, but even generally 'clean' areas are not exempt from germs."
A sickening feeling crept up on her. Everywhere? Surely there was something wrong.
The next part continued to prove just the opposite, going into technicalities and the nature of tests, showing that the tests were good and accurate. Twilight, who had a degree of education, could follow through and appreciate the thoroughness of the scientists. But this was worrying. She had to take their word for it. But microbes everywhere?...she was suddenly aware of the hay in her mouth. She looked at the plate in front of her. The hay was fresh from the barns that made them. Spike had not washed it thoroughly, and there was a bit of chaff on them. Normally she did not mind (Applejack said they gave the hay more texture) but now, she was not so sure. The idea of little creatures like bugs in her mouth overwhelmed her, and she spat it out, rinsing her mouth with some water hurriedly.
"Spike? Spike!"
"Yes, Twilight?" asked her assistant, coming into the dining room.
"What is this?" She picked out a bit of chaff and waved it in front of his face.
"Oh, that's chaff. Applejack says they're good for your digestion. And they add texture-"
"No, no, Spike! Chaff is full of germs!"
"Germs? What are germs?" frowned Spike. "I don't see any of these germ things. And I don't think I'm interested. They do sound a lot like gems, though, which, by the way, do you have any?"
"Just...uh, it'll take too long to explain. Just, next time, I want you to wash out the chaff, okay? All of it. From everything." Twilight felt her stomach grumble, and she looked back at the plate of hay. Using her magic she lifted the chaff out and tossed them through the open window, devouring the rest.
"I gotta go out into town," said Twilight. "Help me keep an eye on the library, will you? Thanks, Spike."
"Sure thing, Twi." With that, she went out, carrying the book with her in a saddlebag.
She tried to run through her list of things-to-do, but the idea of germs everywhere kept popping into her mind. She suddenly realized how much dirt there was on the dirt roads, and the amount of dust everypony kicked up when trotting along. Above the sky, a few pegasi were kicking clouds, and she wondered whether there were germs up there, too. And if they were, were they falling all over Ponyville?
"Yes!" squealed Pinkie Pie, popping up suddenly next to Twilight.
"Oh! Pinkie! Wait, what?" said Twilight, caught off guard.
"What huh? Yes, Pinkie's my name, and you seem distressed! Being distressed is bad, like that one time when Discord discorded all of us and you went all gray but then the princess had this Star Wars-like ceremony party for us and we were all happy again! Which reminds me, you wanna come to my party?"
Twilight stared blankly at the pink pony. "Uhh..."
"You know Twilight, for a smart pony you sure are slow sometimes," rambled Pinkie. "Like that one time when-"
"Pinkie! Sure, I'd love to come. And it's okay. Actually I just need to get some reading done," the unicorn said, laughing the rest of Pinkie's sentence off. "And I don't think I'm slow, it's just you who's fast."
"Ohohoh! That reminds me of that relativity thingy by Einstein! It went something like there's no fixed frame of..."
Twilight walked on, leaving the pink pony to her own random thoughts. Somehow that encounter had been pleasant; it had taken her mind off the germs. But now they were back. She sat down in the town garden, trying hard to ignore the amount of soil around her (it was a garden after all) and flipped hurriedly through the index.
"Germs everywhere, huh. This could be serious. How to get rid of them, how to get rid of- Aha!"
"Germs are killed in a variety of ways," read the book. "By experimenting we have found a large list of things that kill germs." Twilight sighed with relief. "One good way is to use heat; by cooking most foods, the germ content is reduced very significantly."
So, cook everything, thought Twilight to herself. "That should be okay. There are books on cooking, aren't there?" But how could she deal with non-food items? She tried to imagine cooking a book, and shuddered. No, there had to be a better way.
"Another substance that kills germs is salt." All was well; salt was easily available. She headed down to town and bought a large bag of it, bringing it home. She set her teeth and with a raise of her horn, began spraying salt all over the library.
"Uhh...Twilight? What are you doing?" asked Spike.
"I'm cleaning this place of germs!" replied Twilight brightly. "Just have to get to those hard to reach corners..."
Spike shook his head. Twilight could be so odd at times. He faintly recalled the sprinkling of salt as some old tradition of purging evil, and wondered whether germs were an evil of sorts. Or, Twilight could be seasoning the room for a parasprite dinner. He had no idea, and did not feel that he needed to know. He went back to business.
"Okay," sighed Twilight, and looked around her. The whole floor was now covered in a fine layer of salt crystals. It was certainly a new look, and she felt cleaner already. "Now for myself."
She splashed the rest of the salt over herself, and regretted it instantly. The salt grains became caught in her mane, and the rest simply fell off her. When she stepped forward, some of the grains almost fell into her eyes. Squeezing her eyes shut, she shook herself and got rid of the salt. She would have to clean herself from germs another way.
"Another substance that cleans germs is alcohol," she read aloud. The rest of the items had long names even she did not recognize. Alcohol it was, then, and there was only one pony she knew of in Ponyville that had the stuff...
When she got to the shop, she was relieved. The infamous owner was still upright and coherent at this time of day.
"Well, mish librarian, welcome," said Berry Punch, slurring the words slightly. "What brings you here?"
"I need some, er, alcohol," said Twilight.
"That's a funny thing to call booze," said Berry, grinning. "And I'm not sure I can sell it to you, sweetie, even though you're as purple as the grapes I juice."
"I'm of age!" protested Twilight, blushing. "And I don't want to drink it! I just need to wash in it."
"Well, well," said Berry, lifting the counter flap, "looks like you'll needta come with me down into the cellar." She made a wobbly motion for her to follow, and led her through a door down the stairs into a dark chamber. The smell of wine and fermentation immediately hit Twilight's nose, and she reeled; to Berry, though, the smell was bliss, and she actually took a deep, satisfied breath. She lit a few lamps to reveal rows and rows of caskets, and two large vats at the end of the chamber.
"My brewery," said Berry proudly. "Finest wines this end of Equestria. Country stuff, you know, tastes more earthy than the thin posh stuff they make in the cities. Rich people love 'em. I love 'em. Say, wanna sip?"
"I don't think-" Berry was already helping herself to a glass, sniffing it before downing the lot.
"Well, I'm afraid I can't afford to let you use the good wines. I'd love to sell 'em to you, but I have a massive order to fill, from the royal palace no less. In fact I coulda sworn I had enough barrels a few days ago, but I don't have enough now...meh, anyhow, you can use the fermentation vats down there." Berry pointed to one of the vats. They were as tall as Discord standing straight, and just as wide. The smell was even stronger, and Twilight was beginning to feel dizzy.
"What do you put into the vats?" asked Twilight, staggering.
"Hmm? Well, lemme see." She took a deep sniff once more, and Twilight felt herself gag. "This batch is apples. Left 'em here for around two months now. Yep, apples and yeast and water and sugar."
"Wait, did you say yeast?" said Twilight. "Isn't yeast, like, a fungus?"
"No, it's a germ," said Berry proudly, and Twilight felt the confusion kick in.
"But..but..aren't germs bad? Causes of diseases and everything?"
"Silly pony, not all germs are bad," said Berry, putting a comforting arm around the shaking unicorn. "I think you need to get out for some fresh air first, though."
When they were seated back upstairs, Twilight told her the whole story, and Berry continued with a smile. "You're right that germs are everywhere. Even inside of you as we speak." Ignoring Twilight's look of shock, she went on, "But really, it's okay. You don't have to worry. While some germs inside of you cause harm, most are good. They help you with digestion, they help you to break down the food we eat. I mean, think about it, if they were harmful wouldn't everypony be half-dead by now?"
This made sense. Twilight listened intently.
"Some are even beneficial," said Berry. "Like yeast. Bakers use it in bread. And I use it in making wine. You're right that alcohol kills germs, and that includes the yeast, but the thing is they die for a greater purpose."
"To get ponies drunk?"
"To make beautiful wines," sniffed Berry in a dignified manner. "So really, sweetie, there's nothing wrong with germs." She went over and gave the unicorn a hug. "You can relax."
"Yeah...yeah, I guess you're right," admitted Twilight. "But it's still hard for me to grasp this. I've only just learnt about them, and now you're telling me more things about them. It's a lot to take."
"Well," said Berry with a wink, "why don't we clean you up inside once and for all?" She walked over to a cabinet and took out a dusty bottle and two glasses. "This is a fine bottle. Red grape, ten years. Sweet, a bit green around the edges, but still growing. Just like a pony I know. One glass should do the trick, don't you think?"
"I...thank you, Berry," said Twilight, blushing again at this unexpected kindness. She downed the drink. It was rich, both sour and sweet, and very warming. She met Berry's eyes, looking at her with a strange appreciation she found enthralling. She could feel her body burning. "Wow."
"I'll say," said Berry, already on her third glass. "You took that down like a champ."
"I haven't had alcohol before," admitted Twilight, accepting another glass from her host.
"Oh. Oh my," giggled Berry, drawing closer to the purple mare. "How're you feeling, sweetie?"
"Amazing. Light. Happy..."
"Well, I know something else that'll make you happy," murmured Berry, nudging her off her seat. Twilight wobbled with Berry's aid to a bed. Berry tucked her in with a pat on the fringe. "Sleep it off, Twilight. You'll wake up with less of a headache, dearie. And when you wake up, your troubles will be gone..."
With that, she left the room, leaving Twilight alone, and made a note to get Spike over to pick up the librarian after another round of drink.
THE END
A/N: Thank you for reading and making it this far! =) As mentioned, this is my first fanfic posted up here. We've all had that moment when we first realized that there are germs everywhere, and that's what inspired me to do this. (Twilight is best pony) This is just a warm-up to get into the gears of fanfic writing; what I'll be focusing on (if I ever get to it) is something completely different. Even so, writing skills are omni-applicable; so please do read 'n review!